Introducing myself...

[angelsmiles]

hello all! i am (obviously) new to the site...trying to figure out some next steps...a bit about myself..

i drink everyday-but ive never thought of myself as alcoholic. i work full time and am also a masters student...and do well in both. presently, work have been slow and i took the semester off of school--i am drinking everyday...3-5 glasses of wine...depending. And nearly two bottles a night on Fridays and Saturdays. but there are also times when life takes over and school starts back up and i don't drink everyday..and instead i'm spending my saturday nights hunched over school books and its 11pm and im just finishing and have that one glass before I fall asleep. i dont crave alcohol during those times and i certainly dont miss it or even really think of it.

my issue. obviously i drink a lot when i get into that pattern. but more than that--i have been getting mean with my SO...and even sometimes..by best friend. but more so...my SO. i become argumentative and competitive and easy to lash back. and then these fights turn into these screaming fits where i'm just drunkenly screaming about nothing and saying horrible things..and then finally just pass out and then wake up feeling just horrible....these times happen most on fridays/saturdays..as those are the nights i am drinking most..and, we are normally in social situations those nights and that tends to "trigger" my mean-ness. if that makes any sense.

i can tell when it is coming too---once i start that 4th glass...its pretty much a given if we are out with friends or in a social situation. if its just the 2 of us at home enjoying a romantic dinner on a saturday...it never seems to be a problem. something about a social setting just triggers me to drink more-fast-and get mean.

i am so embarressed by my behavior the next day. My SO has had many conversations about this with me (more like yelling at me for it versus a conversation but i digress)...we have been together 6 years..and have probably had the "you drink too much conversation" about a 15 times. i change for a week or so--then its back at it. i should add--he has been sober for quite sometime..where i still feel im in my mid 20's and its "normal" to get wasted every weekend. when in realtiy---its not "normal" to get drunk and turn into a mean person no one wants to be around.

its not fair for him. we are talking about getting married and spending a life togehter..and im finally at that point where im starting to HATE waking up on saturdays/sundays feeling like sh*t..and i HATE the way i become when i drink too much and i dont find it attractive and just feel ugly about myself....and im starting to wonder when I'll reach that point where i can start drinking like an adult and dont need to get wasted every weekend. and maybe i just need to kick myself in the butt a bit to get there? who knows.

thats my ramble. i'm not looking to be AF....i just want to moderate my drinking and change my patterns and realize my triggers. i feel like im young and this is something i can nip in the butt before it gets even more out of control. I am going to work on being AF this week--and go from there...

thanks for any support and advice, guidance etc. you may be able to provide.

[Quit Quitting]

Introducing myself...

Welcome Angel

I can definately relate to lots of things that you have posted. MWO is a great place as you will soon see. Try reading the book. Lots of people will be along and you will soon see you are part of a big happy community - some doing well - some like me at the moment not doing so well. Keep coming here reading and posting it really does help.

Good luck

QQ.

[Lavande]

Introducing myself...

Welcome to MWO angelsmiles!

This is a good place, glad you found us

It's good that you've identified your problems with AL now, while you are so young.
Breaking a habit or pattern now is the best thing you can do for yourself & loved one. The problem will only get worse unless you take control now.

The MWO book is downloadable from the Health Store above. It is full of useful information. If you can afford them, I highly recommend the CDs as well. They really help you change your thinking about AL.

Take a look in the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html for good ideas to help you make a good plan for yourself. Mostly what you need is a strong desire & commitment to making a better life for yourself.

Do it while you are still young & before you run into serious health/relationship problems.
You won't be sorry!

Wishing you the best on your journey.

Lav

[techie]

Introducing myself...

Welcome Angelsmiles. I'm please to meet you and want to wish you luck as you begin your journey here. John

[JustJoan]

Introducing myself...

Wow, Angelsmiles, I read your post and thought to myself "did I write that!?" The drinking pattern is exactly how I started but I'm a WHOLE LOT older than 20! I've been a member all of one day now and the encouragement here is awesome. I wish you the best.

Joan

[angelsmiles]

Introducing myself...

thanks for the warm welcome everyone! i appreciate the support.

[tlrgs]

Introducing myself...

welcome angelsmiles

[sulapeace]

Introducing myself...

Welcome, Angelsmiles...

I'm Sula Peace. We sound a lot a like. Let me hasten to add that I only have six days AF under my belt, so please feel free to treat what I've got to say with a big ol grain of salt! There are wonderful experienced and kind folks on here like Cinder and DoggyGirl and Lavande etc who have way more to tell you than I do but I think we have a little bit in common...

I finished my PhD a year ago and am just about to begin my second year in my first academic teaching job. My pattern was a lot like yours. School and work (teaching), couple glasses of wine a night that slowly increased to four or five... And then, a bottle a night. Often 1.5 - two on weekends or out at the bar drinking cocktails. Manhattans were my thing. Though a chick sitting by herself drinking Scotch at the bar is some hot shit so I've been known to do that, too. I've long been single and live alone. So, I don't have a partner to attack but I've certainly made a real ass out of myself in front of people I'd prefer to see me in a better light!!

It is really, really easy in academia to do this. Don't think you are alone. In fact, yesterday I was out in the courtyard of my apt building chatting with a graduate student in the mfa program at my university... She said, half jokingly, that she was going to try this semester to broaden her life beyond "writing papers, grading papers, and drinking alone..." She laughed. I laughed. But I knew she was serious. Because I remember how we all used to roll in grad school. Study hard. party harder.

The "pattern" you describe is a powerful one. At times, for a long time in fact, I would "break out of it" too. But then, in the last few months, suddenly I realized that I hadn't broken out of it in a long long time. I realized that I had better stop it. And so I tried. And I realized, oh shit. I CAN'T. I mean, I couldn't stop thinking about drinking. I wasn't drinking during the day. But I was thinking about it all the time. Waiting for the first drink. It happened all of a sudden. I couldn't believe it. But all of a sudden all I wanted to do was drink. And all of a sudden on week nights, in stead of four to six drinks, I'd be opening up a second bottle of wine before the night was through. And the next day, I was either hung over, or just so tired out and weak and vaguely dizzy that I wasn't nearly as productive as I could have been or needed to be.

As I said, I've only been doing this MWO thing for six days. I tried an AA meeting. But that just ain't my thing. I tell you: I haven't felt this good in three years! I'm not kidding. The topamax, vitamins and supplements have reduced the cravings I experienced to almost nothing. (I've two momentary twinges, which I attacked by walking around the block and reminding myself how much I don't really need a cheap wine hangover.) I'm eating healthy foods and drinking plenty of water. I feel more focused, like I can manage better. I have not decided whether I will remain AF forever (I'm not thinking about it right now). But I do feel an enormous sense of relief, like I've got my life back on track.

The hard part is that I live alone in a new "city" with no friends. Alcohol has been my buddy, shoulder to cry on, entertainment, writing crutch, sparring partner, and bitch session organizer extraordinaire. So far, I've replaced it with jogging and Netflix but well, how many movies can you watch? (I can assure you I can't jog that much!) But well, I'd rather be bored and sober than bored and sloppy.

I'm thinking of you Angelsmiles... If you'd like a fellow academic traveler (i.e.: someone who knows what fine bedfellows research and drink can be) to talk to, feel free to PM. You can do it!

Be well,
Sula

[K9Lover]

Introducing myself...

Hi Angelsmiles and Welcome!
I could definitely relate to your post! Towards the end of my drinking I was becoming so MEAN...I just couldn't stand the way alcohol turned me into this "monster"...then waking up the next day and just groaning before checking my text messages, emails, etc....not remembering what I said to who.... It just became such a vicious cycle that I KNEW I had to stop. I had to quit completely, I knew for myself that I would never be able to moderate.
We're glad to have you here, please keep us posted on your progress!
K9

[mario]

Introducing myself...

Hi & welcome to mwo Angelsmiles, your in a great place with lots of great support & advice,hope you stick around,

[greeneyes]

Introducing myself...

:welcome: angelsmiles, sulapeace, & justjoan! As you formulate your plans, you may want to read this thread https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...lan-41280.html Best to you!

[southernbelle47]

Introducing myself...

Thirty days.....................go AF for thirty days. Let us know how you are doing.
We care..

Belle

[Unwasted]

Introducing myself...

Angelsmiles, alcohol changes your brain chemistry and it's a depressant which says something about why your personality changes after drinking. I wish I had figured all this out early on. I would have run, not walked away from alcohol.

I can recommend two books that would be of value depending on which route you want to take. If you're having problems now, the only thing you can count on is that they will get worse. After all, alcohol is a drug. Just read the posts on this site and you'll see the years of struggle and heartache it causes.

How to Change Your Drinking - A Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol by Kenneth Anderson is a good book in that it teaches you how to set goals for cutting back or controlling your intake if that's what you want. Kick the Drink by Jason Vale is excellent for helping you see alcohol in a different perspective. Both can be purchased on Amazon.

I know you're young, but most of us here would probably say we wish we had figured this out at your age and not wasted our life on alcohol - there is nothing in life it makes better than the way we are naturally. It's not natural to put ethanol (a poison) into your body.

Whatever route you go, I am wishing the best for you. At least try to open your mind and get educated about the harmful effects of what you're doing. Even if you choose to reduce the harm you're causing, that would be better than not doing anything. And, in the best of all worlds (IMHO) you would realize alcohol really sucks and that your life would be much better without it.

Sorry to sound preachy - you probably don't want to hear a diatribe -- but it's hard not to preach when one has been down the road and sees where another is headed. The natural instinct is to want to save them from themselves!

Best to you.