I'm not sure where I am.

[techie]

I'm not sure where I am.

I suffered the blackouts too. With me, It was always that one extra I didn't need that put me in the badlands. I wish you well. This site has helped me and so many others!!!

[witchywoman]

I'm not sure where I am.

Welcome Choice.
as you get more AF days under your belt, you will find it easier to find yourself again, i found after only 3 AF days i was looking forward to my life & even better waking up in the morning, not hating myself but with a smile in my face.
Welcome to NZ. Where are you in NZ, I live down south in Dunedin.
Good Luck

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Thinking about drinking "hangover"

I think everyone here is so brave! I'm still not sure where I am because I've been thinking so much and reading so much going through a bit of denial... being hard on myself easing up... I have been thinking about if my drinking is "normal" for so long that it's just come down to it doesn't really madder if it is or isn't. I black out after 3 drinks that's why I can't keep count. I only enjoy the first half hour to hour... during this time... so much that I keep trying to stay there... keep drinking... it doesn't work and the price and hours paying physically, mentally is high for that quick buzz. The black outs are dangerous places in my mind and I cringe at how I have physically put myself in harms way so many times.. only to be relieved but horrified the next day remembering how vunerable I was, and how I wasn't keeping myself safe. No fun at all. I'm not a teenager who is finding booze to help her with being shy, I'm a grown woman and will hopefully find the confidence to deal with some insecurities. Thanks again everyone and good luck on your paths today!

[gertrude mcfuzz]

I'm not sure where I am.

Welcome, and glad you found your way here.
Blackouts are not normal, and like others have said if you think your drinking is a problem thats when it is time to do something about it.
It is a hard path, good luck with your journey

[brightlite]

I'm not sure where I am.

Choice,

Welcome, you have found a good place to learn and discuss your alcohol problem and yes, I believe you have one.

Note all the bad feelings, danger, guilt, remorse, loss of self-respect, depression that you experience when you are drinking. Is that first 1/2 hour of drinking really worth days and days of those continued feelings. That is what you will be trading in when you become AF. You will trade all those horrible feelings in for.....at the minimum normalcy...maybe even happiness and increased self-respect.
If you continue down the path of alcohol abuse...those horrible things and events will increase. It's like a spinning merry-go-round of hell. I know...I'm still trying to jump off that ride!

Anyway, keep coming back and read as much as you can. You will make your realizations about how to deal with alcohol!

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

I know more about where I am.

Day 7 AF. I didn't crave drinking at all. I did think about it A LOT!!! I hope that will ease in the upcoming days. As far as a plan, I am for now sticking to the 30 days AF. I have already learned so much in these first 7 that I can only assume I will learn heaps more in the days to come. I know more about where I am. I have never questioned my drinking before, or talked about it. When I asked my sister a week ago about it I am so glad she was truthful. I went hiking yesterday and was surrounded by the beauty here and kept thinking stopping drinking felt like breaking up with a bad boyfriend. I was remembering the things I liked that I needed to let go of because it wasn't healthy. Breaking up is HARD! Mostly, I was thinking of all the BAD effects. This week I am greatful that I could pick myself up like rock and look at whats under it... all the worms and slugs and not think they were ugly. This is a wonderful sight, I am so thankful for all of the incite and learning it has brought me. Thank you! I'm so glad I found you guys.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Tool Box

Thank you Sheri and everyone who has led me to the tool box. I feel like I'm on this sight all the time right now just reading and reading, thinking and thinking. whew!!!! Today was my first time exploring the Tool Box. All I can really say at this point, is AMAZING!! I am so thankful for all the hard work people have put into such an informative link. I'm not craving AL (AF day 8) but really want to make some serious decisions by the time I reach 30 days AF. I'm still figuring out so much and want to strive. I don't want to kid myself and take any of this lightly. The mind games are starting a bit so I am so glad I committed myself to the 30 days. It's really ironic that now that I'm feeling better I feel like I have a grip on this... only after 8 days?? NO. That is way to good to be true.

So more about my plan. (it's not organized yet but it's a work in progress)

While I don't miss AL, I think the better and better I feel I will be feeling so confident that I'll believe one drink won't hurt. So I'm noticing from all the reading that I need to really build strength to stick to something that will work for me during these learning stages.

I started an exercise plan a week before I found this sight. I've been working out with a trainer once a week at the gym. She has helped me come up with a work out plan. Today was my third session with her and I am beat up... but my head is clear.

There have been two upcoming events presented to me where AL will be involved. One is at the end of Sept. and the other is in Nov. I'm saying NO to both. Right now thinking that far a head stresses me out and I just flat out know I am not ready to be around heavy drinking situations. I'll be bored not drinking and if I drink I won't be able to moderate. I just think neither event is worth it and right now I don't care if I offend people by not going. They will get over it and it will take me to long to recover if I go.

After 30 days AF I'm promising myself that I will not drink alone again or on special occasions for 6 months. Essentially I won't be drinking.... obviously my brain still needs to get my head around more concepts and I'll adjust this one as I reach 30 days.. but for now this is where I am... This one is hard. I know I'll succeed though if there is a 6 month limit on it. I can always change it and go another 6 months... etc.. forever is freaking me out. At least at this stage in figuring out where I am.

Thanks again everyone for all the sharing and support!!

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

panic attack

I feel horrible today hearing about the truth from people I love about my drinking. My mother doesn't even think I should consider moderation after the 30 days. I'm shaking because I don't want to hear this. I don't feel defensive but I do feel weak... sick... my ears are ringing... the truth is my drinking HAS hurt people I love and I'm just now being told this???? I feel so awful... I almost want a drink but I can't bare the thought of the consequences now that my secret (that was not so secret) it out. :upset:

[Rusty]

I'm not sure where I am.

Choice,

My family noticed that I was drinking way too heavily for almost 2 years before they told me. They didn't tell me because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. They knew I drank essentially to drown out the sadness and loneliness I felt after the sudden deaths of my father and my brother, the death of my very best friend and the break-up of a long-term relationship. They didn't want to add to my pain. They finally told me because they believed I was endangering myself and others. Yes, I know you feel badly and that is normal.....all you can do is apologize to the people you hurt and regain their trust by being AF. Examples they will instantly notice: if you're AF, you will show up for family events on time and they will see that you are reliable. If you are AF, you won't have to worry about hiding the AL on your breath (I thought I was fooling my family....I wasn't)

Just a few thoughts.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Rusty, I'm sorry you went through such grief. That is a lot of people to loose in a short period of time. I think my family hasn't said much about my drinking because they didn't want me to suffer more then I already was and have been worried as I find out for a few years. Right now we are talking about a ton of AL abuse in my extended family and I feel like I've been in a haze at every wedding or funeral bonding with other alcoholics in my family from teen age years on. I cringe that my drinking has been a topic of concern behind my back. I really thought I was blending in. So eye opening that I wasn't. I would be more ashamed today if I hadn't stopped drinking over a week ago... It is kinda spooky how much strength being AF is when dealing with bad news. Or maybe all of this is good news??

[neart]

I'm not sure where I am.

Hi Choice, how are you doing today? Sounds like you had to deal with a lot the past few days, hearing from family - it's hard when people are being honest about your faults, and it's painful to go through. But when you do go through it, you usually come out the other side a stronger person... You are doing great, you really are. I am taking a leaf out of your book and going for a big walk now, to clear the head. Hope you have a good day :l

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Thanks neart :l I am doing better today then I was yesterday. It was so hard to hear the honest truth about how my family felt about my drinking. When I first posted I wanted to avoid hurting them and was going to try and fix myself so they would never know what was happening. It turns out I've made them very happy because I've addressed my AL abuse and trying my best to do something about it. I was so scared and felt really remorseful. Also it made this process more real. I felt a responsibility to stick with being sober not only for myself but for people who love me. It overwhelmed me so much. I checked in on my mom again today and her voice sounded so happy on the phone. I listened more to what she wanted to talk about more then I normally do. My sister sent a video of her baby son learning how to crawl and I really watched it over and over again. I don't want to cause my little sister any more stress worrying about my drinking... she doesn't deserve that. whew! I have to say it was good motivation to stay on track for sure. They are behind me 100%. I feel more loved and less lonely then I have in a long time.

Oddly tonight was the first night I almost forgot that I don't drink anymore. My boyfriend got a promotion and I felt so happy for him that I almost said lets go out and celebrate!!! I was almost drooling like a dog... then I remembered I don't drink. One will hurt me, One will hurt everyone who is supporting me. He didn't even feel like going out anyway... and has taken all AL out of the house... I still can't believe this is really happening, but I can't stop something I started. My brain feels weird.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Oops I hit send reply before I asked how you where doing neart? Did the walk clear your head? I hope you had a good day too :h

[neart]

I'm not sure where I am.

That's great that you are making such an effort to keep in touch with your family properly - actually listening to them - something I need to work on myself. And your boyfriend sounds great - so supportive to get rid of AL in the house. Somebody here said recently that it's like on an airplane, when they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first - look after yourself first, and then you can look after others properly. Hopefully, bit by bit we get better at looking after ourselves and we grow stronger, and then we can be there more for others.
I went for a beautiful walk today for about an hour all along the coast, then sat up on this place on the cliff where you can look out over the ocean - one of my favourite places in the world... it actually reminded me of NZ a bit - the ruggedness and the waves and the fresh air This evening was gorgeous too, so I went to a different beach to watch the sun set (couldn't see it though cause of the cliffs in the way!), but the light on the water was gorgeous. I need to concentrate on these things that make me happy and fulfilled.
Hope you're having a good day - must be Thursday where you are now :l

[Pride before Fall]

I'm not sure where I am.

stopping drinking felt like breaking up with a bad boyfriend. >>

I love that line! My mother said that when I quit smoking: "think of it as a friend you will miss but who wasn't good for you."