I'm not sure where I am.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Thank you Fluff. I'm lonely but I won't drink today or tonight and I hope I feel better tomorrow. I didn't realize until I stopped drinking that I drank to feel warm and fuzzy when I felt lonely. It doesn't work. Well, sometimes it does... but it's when it doesn't when I get really scared.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

90 days AF

Well, things have been going fairly well since I started this AF journey. It's not easy that is for sure. But life isn't as hard as it was when I was drinking. The best thing in the beginning was to have a plan to get through the first 30 days. After that, I've been sticking to staying sober not necessarily sticking to how I adjusted my plan... but staying sober. Things have gotten much better with my partner and he is now AF and happy about staying that way along with me. So that's good. I've stopped smoking and don't have any desire to smoke again after reading Carr's book. I've lost 16 pounds. All wonderful victories.

Here is what I am thinking. I think the time has come for me to go to my first AA meeting. I don't know how I feel about it but it seams like a positive step. I'm getting tired of the pressure from drinking people to have just one... tired of explaining or having creative excuses, tired of just dealing with what I see as ignorant. I'm not taking it as personal as I was and don't really care what somebody might think about me not drinking. I'd just like to meet some people who understand and support my decision not to drink anymore. I have some fears about going to AA and I'm not sure why. I use to go to Al anon years ago and started to feel defensive so stopped.

I told myself once I'd hit 30 days that if I thought I was ever going to pick up a drink again that I would put myself in AA. Like this was some kind of bad thing I don't feel like drinking again, but I feel like kinda stepping out and coming out of my AF closet I'm not really sure what my thinking is on this... just thoughts. Thank you for listening. :h I guess I'm interested in peoples good and bad experiences with AA. I haven't even looked up where to go in my neighborhood yet. Really on the fence about it.

[Accountable for Me]

I'm not sure where I am.

Congrats on your 90 days! That is awesome, Choice!

AA can be a good thing. I know that life gets pretty lonely sometimes when you don't drink. It would be nice, for me, if I could meet people who don't drink at all. I can handle being with people who do drink, but it seems that is the only method of socializing amongst my friends and family.

Anyway, congrats again!!

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Thanks Accountable,
I hear ya. I'm getting where I'm fine being around people who drink and kinda forget about the whole thing once I'm comfortable, I'm finding the main trigger is when someone annoys me... that's when I miss sipping booze. Now I just cut those conversations a bit shorter. It does seam to be the only way to hang out or socialize. My fiance and I go for day long hikes and keep inviting couples who keep asking us to go out for drinks to join us but no takers. Fair enough, not that long ago I'd think getting up early on a Sat or Sunday to go for a hike was hard core and insane. :H

Well, I took a step. I at least e-mailed the AA site. Whew!! I can't believe I'm really doing this. I hope I can find one close to home because I'm without a car. I'm kinda feeling happier just thinking about this. I really want to meet people in my community who support my not drinking instead of question it. I hope I find a nice meeting soon.

:h

[flygirl_65]

I'm not sure where I am.

My story EXACTLY. i just joined yesterday too. I dont drink very often, but when i do drink, i drink way too much and i black out. I am a happy drunk, and people always tell me all the funny things i did, but i am increasing embarrassed. I pretend like i remember, but i don't and its getting worse. I have decided on the 30 day AF and go from there. I don't know for me, that moderating is an option. I just wanted to reply to your thread so that you know that there is someone else who has exactly the same story as you. I find there is comfort in not being alone. Good luck!....OOPS..im obviously new here... i saw your first entry was a few months ago...i didnt realize that it was so long ago. I will get this eventually! haha

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

:welcome: flygirl :l

While I wish you had no idea what I'm talking about, it does help to feel less alone knowing someone else who is worried about their drinking. Good luck on the 30 days AF and good for you!! Those first 30 is where I learned SO much.

Take care,
Choice

[Choochie]

I'm not sure where I am.

I have had these exact thoughts about going to AA. The principals don't really resonate with me (i.e. I don't feel like a victim or that I have a disease). But I would like to meet people who don't drink and understand the struggle of having given up alcohol.

Just wanted to remind you that there is an AA thread -- believe it's under Monthly Abstinence. The people there seem to benefit greatly from AA. I read it periodically.

I'll watch for your posts should you decide to go and will let you know if I ever take the plunge.

Choochie

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

AA

Thanks Choochie, good suggestion about reading the AA thread. And congrats on your 50 days!! :goodjob: it is wonderful to see you embrace a sober life with such gusto. :h

I'm not to sure AA members see themselves as victims with a disease. Or do they? I'm not sure I understand that. All I know is there are meetings, a prayer, and a book. I am totally ignorant about it. I'm not religious so I'm not sure about that aspect if that even is one. I am coming to terms with and finding some peace in realizing I am powerless when it comes to my own drinking and other peoples drinking.

All I can do is not drink to keep some ground on this. I'm finding I'm getting really tired and isolated with my internal soap box keeping me on the strait and narrow. What I like about MWO is that when I came here no one said, ""Awww, don't worry your fine.. everyone has their blurred nights... it's good to let loose every now and then...just try and control it,,, you'll be fine.. we have real problems here.. you don't seam to be as bad as others... "" etc.. stuff like that... "" I've even had doctors tell me not to stop drinking, personal trainers.... Sometimes? Most times? I could control my intake but too many times I can't control it and I'm becoming more and more lonely defending my choice not to drink. Also I'm concerned that given the circumstances and with enough pressure... internal and external... I just might say, "f*** it"

It feels like something is just out and out wrong with me when it comes to AL. I'm not sure how to get my head around the word disease. Is it a disease of the mind?? Like how a person thinks?? an addiction is a disease?? I never went though withdraw, but I think a hangover is withdraw. I didn't crave when I stopped but I had head games. Are those the same thing?? I'm not physically addicted to AL but might be mentally... I have that problem that when I start I can't stop so I pretty much think I have that allergic reaction. I'm not really too concerned with labeling myself a victim because I think when I drink I fall victim to the effects. All self inflicted but once in a blackout, I'm in no way in control. This is so confusing.

Actually, I have reached another phase where I am scared. I am not sure why?

[Choochie]

I'm not sure where I am.

Choice, my understanding is that the brain chemistry changes and that our brains actually start to need alcohol like it thinks it needs food - you know, sends the same signals. That's why I want to quit now - I'm afraid eventually we get past the point of no return.

You know, people would not have pegged me as someone with a drinking problem either. But, I knew because of the way my sleep was disturbed and because of the way it made me feel the next day. I also felt I NEEDED alcohol - people not dependent don't give it a second thought.

I think I'm like you in that I didn't have withdrawals - I did have sugar cravings which have calmed down. But, I think the mental addiction is much worse than the physical - the physical is gone in a few days is my understanding.

Don't be fooled by other people trying to talk you into drinking. Many of them will ultimately have a problem and just aren't there yet. Really, if you think about it, it's crazy to have to defend why you don't want to put poison into your body.

I hope you don't decide to say F*@# it, because you're better off without alcohol. Just because everyone else is going down into the quicksand doesn't mean you have to go with them. And, if you keep starting and stopping I think it will get harder to quit.

I would arm myself with all kinds of books on addiction. Not trying to tell you how to live your life, but would hate to see you give up your hard-earned days (unless of course you just aren't ready to be sober.....we do have to want it, I think).

Try to get some nondrinking friends - AA would be good for that. Don't worry too much about all the definitions. I hope you can find a meeting in your area.

Hugs,
Choochie:l

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

The brain chemistry theory has a ringing of truth to me as well. I also read that if one continues to drink if they are an alcoholic their will power becomes less and less to a point where they are unable to stop completely. My last drunk it was all I could do not to pour a bottle of wine down my throat after consuming an insane amount prior. I was scared I'd die. I had never experienced that urge and fought it so strongly ever before. I never want to challenge my body that way again. I agree with getting as much information about AL as one can. It's funny... if you were to see my book shelves and flat... it looks like a recovery center. I guess I've made it one.

I've never stopped drinking before so I don't know what starting and stopping is about but I've been scared for people when they slip. When I was a child my father was sober for a year he thought he could have a one drink of bubbles on NYE. It didn't take long for him to get into real trouble with in weeks. So I want to stir clear of that. He drinks again now after 20 years sober and seams to be OK with moderation. I can't understand that or entertain that for myself. And I think he is torturing himself trying so hard to drink "normal".

I think one can decide to be sober and still have to work at it and change their plan if need be at whatever phase they are at. I'd like to know more about AA. I've noticed that when people hit the 3 month mark sometimes there is a new struggle that can begin. I didn't think it would happen to me but I'm noticing some strange thinking starting and think if I wasn't a member of MWO I might not have known about this phase. My fiance is sober now too so that has helped feeling less alone. I don't want to give up my AF time. But I need to be real honest with myself about what's next on protecting it.

I am scared about taking this next step of going to my first AA meeting. I can't believe I'm really taking this next step. It's like when I started. First I came here, then I told family, then I told friends, now that I'm really thinking about going to AA it's all just getting more and more real. Only alcoholics go to AA. I keep reading that last sentence, I can't believe that this far along I am still coming to terms with where I am. It's not the label it's just the honesty about it that is so humbling.

[Doggygirl]

I'm not sure where I am.

Hi Choice. First, CONGRATULATIONS on 90 days AF. That is fabulous! It's so nice to read that your partner has decided to join you. It doesn't sound like he is a problem drinker so doesn't *have* to be AF for the same reasons we do. But what a wonderful support mechanism. Mr. Doggy has never had a AL problem. When I quit drinking, he stopped having any AL in the house and doesn't drink at all when he is with me. When he DOES drink, it's only one beer ie. with his guy friends after dog training. I really appreciate the changes he has made to support me.

I can really relate to what you are saying about AA. I swore I would NEVER go. I thought AA was for those people who were REAL alcoholics - you know the ones - they are living under bridges and peeing on themselves and stuff like that. I also thought it was for religious nuts. I also thought it must not work very well since people kept going for years and years. (:H)

What finally took me through the doors was my fear of drinking again. My AF "time line" was 60 days AF in 2007, then a decision to try some moderate drinking. (:H) That relapse took me down hard. I knew right away it was a mistake but I couldn't seem to get back on the wagon. After about 8 months of struggling with it, I finally managed to get AF again. But after about 8 months of AF, I still had this nagging fear that I would somehow drink again - that I wouldn't be able to stop it. And then I might never be able to get back on the wagon again.

Anyway...that's what made me finally decide to go. I'm glad I did. There are millions of people in AA from every walk of life you can imagine. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. The rest is whatever you'd like to make of it. I hope they get back to you (is there a phone number?) and that you decide to check it out. Going to a few meetings to see if you find it helpful is such an easy and free thing to do. If you don't like it, you don't have to keep going. What have you got to lose? I have made several new friends where we now do things together both in and out of AA. That has been a tremendous benefit of going. (one of many for me)

Anyway..since you asked, I figured I would share my experience with it. Different meetings can have a totally different vibe with different people. IMO it's worth checking out more than one meeting time/place.

Strength and hope to you. Congrats again on 90 days!

ETA: I have never felt that AA people believe they are victims. I sure don't feel like a victim. There are a wide variety of beliefs about the disease theory. In my experience, not a lot of time has ever been spent discussing whether alcoholism is a disease or whatever. The thrust of the discussions I have been part of have to do with staying sober one day at a time. I always find the "science" very interesting, but whether my addiction to alcohol is a disease or not, or there is a genetic connection or not doesn't really matter at the end of the day. I still have alcohol dependence and the only solution to that problem for me is to not drink. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep my sobriety and as an added benefit, to keep the fear of relapse at bay. AA has worked for me in terms of removing that fear.

DG

[Choochie]

I'm not sure where I am.

Choice,

I'm so glad DG stopped in here - I was actually going to recommend that you PM her since she's active in AA.

You can see that she tried to moderate after a stint of being AF and had a hard time quitting again. That's what worries me -- for all of us -- that the stopping and starting will make it much more difficult to quit again.

I'm glad to hear your fiance is supportive of your not drinking. My husband will have an occasional drink but doesn't drink at home which helps me a lot.

The story about your dad is something to think about too - you can see his struggle trying to drink normally. That's it in a nutshell for me. If I moderated I would have a constant battle going on inside and it seems to me that not drinking is easier. I would rather be a nondrinker who had an occasional desire to drink rather than a drinker who continually had to struggle not to drink too much or wished she didn't drink at all.

I really hope you can find an AA meeting. I hear so many positive things (some negative but mostly positive) that, like DG says, it sure couldn't hurt to try. I have your same qualms about the reality of saying to yourself that you're an alcoholic - I think I developed into someone with a drinking problem for sure, but don't necessarily think of myself as an alcoholic. But, if an alcoholic is someone who got to where they couldn't control their drinking, then that's me.

Anyway, I hope you can sort through this funny feeling you're having. I know it happens. It sounds to me like you're really just working things out. I know you'll come to the right conclusion of what is right for you.

And, if you haven't seen these:
51 Things You Should Know About Addiction Recovery

The Top 10 Excuses that Addicts and Alcoholics Use to Justify Their Addiction – and Why it is All BS


Hugs,
Choochie:l

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

:l DG and Choochie,

DG, I've missed you. looks like I should go over to the Ab's side of things like I'd planned to do.. :thanks: for what you wrote about AA. It's funny because I always thought it didn't work because people had to keep going. But when I found MWO I'd see people on here that had been here for months and thought hmmm.. that won't be me. :H I'm sure glad it is me. I think I'm needing to go for the exact same reasons you mentioned. I just don't ever want to drink again and I'm willing to do anything to achieve that goal. I'm looking forward to the experience.

Fiance is doing well with staying sober he is surely one of "us" though. Whatever "we" are. :H We have always had more fun together sober, and never were very good drinking buddies. We sure don't miss all the chaos we were creating in our relationship. At first he was the main reason I stopped, I was treating him terribly during blackouts. I honestly thought he was making stuff up.

He's been somewhat successful with moderation and kept on drinking for a few months once I'd stopped.... Got drunk once and well, sober me just wasn't having it. So he did the 30 days AF and now I have no idea what day he's up to. He's logged in 6 months AF time a few years ago and been to AA a few times throughout the years. Not by his choice though (DUI) or he went to support a friend. It's challenging not to make my path his path... so I haven't mentioned going to AA with him. (yet)

I'm proud of him and I don't know how I could possibly do this without him. I could, but it sure would be harder.

Choochie, I think your exactly right this funny feeling is working SO much out. Thank you for your support. There was an article you'd posted about delayed withdraw or something that I found SO helpful. I think it actually brought me to this phase of where I'm at. You are doing so well, it's really outstanding.

[Choochie]

I'm not sure where I am.

Choice, you sound better - so glad. Hang in there hunni.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Checking in

I'm not really sure where to post today as I've been away for a while. Mostly I really wanted to see how all my friends here where doing. Hi guys I can hardly believe that I am still sober. It's becoming strange but I'm sticking with it. I've been home for almost a week, my fiance is 3 months sober today and has a strong resolve. I'm proud of both of us our relationship is SO much better.

Here is the thing, I'm 7+ months AF. I am doing so well. My life has practically turned a 180. I am in a hotel by myself tonight because my fiance is a groomsman at a wedding we are going to tomorrow so he's with the groom and other grooms men. He's checked in with me and is happy drinking his diet coke and looking forward to being sober at the wedding. I am too. This is what I've worked hard for and want. One small problem.... I have a bottle of red wine sitting in the mini bar and a bottle of white in the mini fridge. I won't open them. Truth be told I want to. I won't. I'm pretty much brain washed into not drinking now. And I'm craving smokes. I won't do that either.

I think mostly I'm nervous for the wedding tomorrow. I haven't been to one of those sober ever. My fiance is in the wedding and I barely know anyone there so I will be alone for most of it. That's okay, it is it really is... Well, I won't be doing any drinking. I think it is critical that I not even hold any type of glass with AL in it. I think I'll cross my arms behind my back when they pass out the bubbly and smile and say no thank you. I really think I need to not even touch the glass. My plan is to say "I don't drink" when ever offered AL. I really get to flustered when I come up with any other reason.

I hope this will be easier then I think especially because of the months I have under my belt. Whew!! AL is such a tricky head trip. Thanks for listening :l