I'm not sure where I am.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

I really like the air plane mask concept. We do have to save ourselves in order to help others. Thank you for writing about your walk I feel like I almost was on it and I loved hearing about it!!!! :l Ireland does sound similar. I love living near the sea. I can't leave the house. Right now I am skipping a print making class that I enjoy. I have plans to meet a friend after for coffee and I am going to try to make it. I feel pretty sick. I really do feel like I'm going through a terrible break up with an abusive boyfriend that I love. Last night he called and I resisted temptation. Ah! I feel like a Debbie Downer!! People who stick to AF are truly an inspiration!!! As are the people who keep trying and trying to string those days along. I read how things get better. I'm learning so much so fast that I feel like I've been slapped in the face and shaken. There is a reason denial exists whew!!! I'm going on blind faith right now. I have learned from dealing with other problems in my life that it works best for me to go strait through it. I have so much respect for everyone who is on this sight!!! I hope everyone has a good day today.:h

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

Bad boyfriends, bad friends... I think we had the same thought at the same time pride

[neart]

I'm not sure where I am.

I'm sorry you're having it tough at the moment - but aren't you brilliant for saying no last night... I love the comparison with breaking up - it's so true. And you know when you break up with someone, and you know it was the right thing to do, and then you waiver and go back for break up sex? And it's always such a terrible idea, cause you're lying there in the morning remembering all the many reasons you broke up in the first place :H
You're the only one to decide whether to get up and go out of the house for a while, or whether today is a day for hiding - sometimes we just need to hide, but then sometimes getting out is the best thing. If it helps at all, I found that the first week wasn't so hard, but it was week two that I struggled a bit more. Be kind to yourself, recognise that you're doing a fantastic job taking everything one step at a time - you don't have to be sociable and happy and full of laughs on top of all that!!
Maybe think of one or two gentle things that relax you, like taking a bath, or watching a favourite film in your pj's, or get a massage - whatever works for you - just resolve to do one nice thing for yourself today, and to not beat yourself up one single bit :l:l

[Chillgirl]

I'm not sure where I am.

Choice - likening AL to an abusive relationship is what I did too, AL was my security blanket and even though he was smothering the life out of me, he was familiar.....
It's like when as a baby we had our dummy taken from us and how we screamed!! But we got over it, we had to or we'd still be walking around with one stuck in our mouths....:H

People stay in abusive relationships because it's all they know but once they have found the courage to leave they realize they should have left years ago, that life is wonderful on the other side and the sense of freedom and being alive is more than they ever dreamed it could be... It's going to feel difficult because it's what you know but our brains very quickly adapt to the new norm.

You are doing great, just keep ignoring his calls and he will get the message

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

break up sex is so hard to resist!! Too funny! Or then you start again and feel like your on cloud 9 only to realize a few days later that he is still a jerk and your kinda one too. Ahh.. oh boy!! yuck-o. I think week two this is really sinking in and I do feel like hiding out. I'll take your advice and stop cracking this mental whip.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

So true Chili! Life on the other side of a bad relationship is freedom. I've also learned the sooner I get out of an abusive relationship the better. Because there is all of this dang healing time!! Re-programing time, Re- building the self time. Time. Ahhh.... deep breath.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

I'm certain of where I am.

I took myself out to see my friend for coffee. Oh my god, as i walked down the street I felt like I had a huge red sign on my forehead that said I'm an alcoholic. 1 2 3 I'm an alcoholic. In a way it's kinda a relief to know where I am. I am like my dad he is one too. It's really simple. I hoped I wasn't one but I am. I wish I could change my name from "choice" I didn't choose this. Oh well, how do I change my name??? I guess I'm not sure what to call myself now. Humph. It did feel good to get out of the house. Rough days folks. But it is a relief to just accept my circumstances. Now I really can't drink.

[Chillgirl]

I'm not sure where I am.

Choice I know what you mean about the sign, I felt like that when I had 1st been to AA, as if it must show somewhere on the outside that I was "one of them"'. However, fast forward a few months and I can honestly say I'm glad to have been an addict, I could never have gained the insights I have about life had I not been one nor could I ever had the same compassion I now have for others and their struggles in life.

As for your name, I think it's great, CHOICE, you made a choice not to continue the way your life was going. I think you will look back and be proud of that name and the choices you made to change your life. :l

[Pride before Fall]

I'm not sure where I am.

1 2 3 I'm an alcoholic. >>

{{{{Choice}}}}, you're a lot of things. From what I've read here, you're articulate, lively, and thoughtful. You're close to your family. You have a great sense of humor. I'm sure there's tons more great things. And without AL, you're actually free to develop and enjoy them. Such a better roller coaster!

xoxo Pride

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

my name choice

Well, I have to say it out there to anyone in there first couple of weeks that it has been very worth while to sticking to a 30 AF challenge. My third week sober has been much easier and my mind has been able to think things through with less fear. I'll admit that I do get tired of constantly thinking about not drinking. The first two weeks I was obsessed with it. I wanted the fear to sober me up forever. Scare myself strait.

This third week just feels more comfortable and calm. I am more mobile and taking things slow. I've decided to embrace the name I choose so impulsively when I reached out for help on this forum. My choice is to live a sober life.

My plan is to stick to the 30days, and to stick to the sober September challenge which will bring me to 40 days. After that I'll see where I am and what I need then to stay sober. It has really helped me to check in with MWO everyday. Sometimes I feel like I am on the sight too long but for now I have found it comforting.

Other things that have helped are:

1) Going to the library
2) Window shopping
3) Working out with a trainer once a week
4) Cooking healthy meals every night
5) Saying NO to situations I'm not comfortable attending
6) Wondering bookstores
7) De-activating Facebook - I'm not sure why this has helped but it has.
8) Watching movies
9) Not allowing myself to entertain thoughts of moderation.
10) Taking black outs seriously
11) Loving my brain and not wanting to hurt it anymore.
12) Telling Mom and hearing the joy in her voice at my decision.
13) Visualizing a skull and cross bones on AL bottles that "glow"
14) Viewing AL as poison for me and taking the lie of glamor it use to have away.

[Doggygirl]

I'm not sure where I am.

:yougo::yougo::yougo:

I love your plan and your strategies. As far as feeling like you are on the site too long, how much time did you used to spend drinking, planning to drink, nursing hangovers, worrying about what you said and did that you remember, worrying about what you might have said and done that you don't remember, etc. etc.? THAT was my all consuming set of tasks at the end of my 30+ year drinking career. Any time I spend here and at AA is paltry compared to giving AL my entire life and most of the time in it.

Keep on doing what you are doing! Life will improve.

DG

[Mish]

I'm not sure where I am.

:welcome: Choice. Sheri really nailed it with her reply, but I may be able to add something I just realised about myself.
When I was researching alcohol help sites and looking for definitions to see if my drinking habits were a "problem" or not, it was because I knew it was. I might not have admitted it, even to myself, but I was trying to justify and minimise. I seized anything that might even tell me I was a "problem drinker," but never, oh never look for wording that might suggest I am an alcoholic. I would rather have been diagnosed with a brain tumour than alcoholism. However, who but an alcoholic would be searching alcohol sites for themselves?
I was having the "problem drinker/compulsive drinker/alcoholic" talk with my psychiatrist. He told me (not in so many words) to stop intellectualising it so much, that they're just labels, and to focus my efforts on getting sober.
Denial might seem comfortable but it kept me in the binge cycle. Admitting I'm an alcoholic was uncomfortable for about a week, but it was so amazingly cathartic and the time I spent on looking for loopholes in definitions is now spent on this site looking for help to deal with the fact that I am an alcoholic.
:goodjob: on your post.

[choice]

I'm not sure where I am.

I couldn't agree with you more Mishmash!!! We all know somewhere in our hearts that we have an addiction to AL that causes us and others pain. Taking too much time to try and label what that's called does distract from really getting serious about a sober life. I've found it more peaceful to just realize I can't have a drink... not even one ever. By closing that door, it's opened doors that I didn't even consider... Having the door open just a crack distracts me and all I want to do is see what's inside.

It's like being told I couldn't watch a rated "R" movie when I was underage... All I could think about was "Why can't I see Nightmare on Elm St.... It's not fair!!! All my friends parents let them see it!!!!!" Well I can't see it because it's a really fricken scary movie. When I did see the movie (behind my parents back at a slumber party)... It disturbed me for months and I had to sleep on my little sister's bedroom floor. I was embarrassed.

As adults it's up to us to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves from harm. I guess I thought because I was an adult it meant I could drink even though I couldn't handle it. Just because it's rated "R" doesn't mean I can handle it. It's too scary.

:thanks: Mishmash

[K9Lover]

I'm not sure where I am.

Hi Choice,
I love your list of things to do...and not letting yourself forget things such as blackouts. Those became a nightly occurance for me. The shame, anxiety and guilt the next morning was more than I could take.

I love your story of the 'R' rated movie too...sometimes we have to learn things the hard way, like the fact that guidelines are there for a reason.

I know for sure now that I can't handle alcohol...it's WAY too scary.

K9

[neart]

I'm not sure where I am.

hi Choice, so glad that things are coming together for you I, too, love your list and I think your analogy with the R rated movie is brilliant. Makes so much sense, and you put it in a way that I hadn't thought of before. That there are some things in life I have to protect myself from, including AL.

There's a line from a Patrick Kavanagh poem which says something like "through a chink too wide there comes in no wonder". I don't know if you've read Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes (it's really funny, one of my fav books) but it deals with addiction and she quotes that line in reference to drinking. For me, too, that door needs to be firmly shut.