Realisation.

[Time to change]

So,I posted yesterday to tell all about how I slipped on Friday and subsiquently pulled a sickie at work yesterday. I then spent all day yesterday trying to sleep just to avoid thinking as everytime I thought I felt down...Kind of like using sleep like AL!
Today I decided to call in sick again as I couldn't face it, I work in retail which means I have to talk to people all day and I don't feel like talking to anyone right now. I've come to the realisation that depression is at work here too.....I have had depression in waves before but some how, this time I missed it. I genuinely thought I was doing ok but now I realise I wasn't at all. I think I was concentrating on the physical side, how many days AF etc and neglecting my mental state. To the outside world often come across as the life and soul, which when I'm feeling happy I am but I've also learnt to put it on to mask my true feelings. However over the last week or so I have become increasingly withdrawn and quiet and have felt unable to disguise this. So this morning I've explained this to my employer who was fantastic, she suggested I get a Doctors note and take some leave to get my head together. I cannot stress how great my bosses are, I am blessed to work for some good ones! Anyway, I've kind of lost the trail of what I was getting at here but the jist is, its funny how you can genuinly think you're ok then suddenly realise you're not. And I mean that as a good thing, now I realise depression is a factor I can begin to deal with that too. I hope this message isn't too rambling as I think it may be!! xx

[patrice]

Realisation.

Hi Time to Change.. I totally understand how you are feeling and yes it does sound like depression and I like you used to count the AF days and not look at things holistically.
Like you, I have had a lot of sickies recently but I work in a place where every day off needs a doctors certificate. You are very lucky to have great bosses and have the chance to take a bit of time off to gather yourself. I really think it will make a big difference, sometimes we need time off work without worrying if we will get into trouble (which I always do- adds to the stress)
Take Care
Patrice

[Anjicia]

Realisation.

Hope you feel better soon. Alcohol is a depressant and i've been in ur situation even tho i had a few af days the depression creeped back and i go on meds again. I'm not working at the moment but i need a part time job soon not just finicial but to get out there and meet people.

[babysteps]

Realisation.

Hello Change, FF, Sheri and SB.
I guess it really is a depressant; for me, I've been on an anti-d since last Oct., but no doubt it cannot work properly with me drinking away the proper results 1/2 the time. But it did help as I was in a terrible state of anxiety due to work and al; so when I get my 30 days I bet it will be much better. I'm up for a Sober September!

[Liverbirdy]

Realisation.

I'm up for that too....

[Time to change]

Realisation.

Hello Patrice, Sheri, Fire and Baby, Thanks for the posts. I've taken tomorrow off work too and will hopefully be able to get a docs app on tuesday morning, although it's bank holiday so it may be busy. I've found I've become highly irritated to the point of tears at the silliest of things for months now, and have been gradually withdrawing from daily life without realising. I still talked the talk and put on a pretence to my friends and family but all I've really wanted to do, in the absence of drinking, is sleep and then sleep some more, so all through these days that has been my goal....to get back to bed asap! I've only been going out anywhere if I absolutely have too -Work, shops for essentials, etc. On Friday I chose to drink alone in my bedroom rather than go to a meal I had organised, I almost decided to go after my first bottle of wine.....Thank Goodness I saw sense, that would have been an embarrassing disaster without a doubt. Instead I confided in a friend who knows about my AL problems and asked her to tell people I couldn't make it due to illness. She's been very worried about me this weekend, I avoided her calls on Saturday which was a horrible thing to do as that made her worry more! I now realise this is the depression at work. I can't believe I didn't see it happening as, like I said I have been there before, surely I should know the signs? A lot of the time I wish I could switch my brain off, just for a break from thinking. I've always been prone to worry and to analyse EVERYTHING and I know thats who I am and I'll never be a laid back type.... I really don't mind that, but lately I've felt like I can't escape my own brain!!! I'm probably rambling again but its helping me to get it down and out of my head. I really hope I don't sound like I'm all me me me, moan moan moan!? I really don't want it to come across that way, it just helps to let it all out to people who understand where I'm coming from and who've been where I am right now. Thanks Guys xx

[Time to change]

Realisation.

Hello LiverBirdy x

[Liverbirdy]

Realisation.

Hi TtC....I know where are exactly coming from....I have been there and am still there...sometimes I have good days sometimes bad (with the depression)....at the moment I am okay-ish....I too have refused to answer the phone...a few times from my mum and a few times from my dad....I most regret the ones from dad...I lost him a year ago on this coming 8th Sept...and have so many guilty feelings. I too have gone days and days in bed sleeping my time away....not washing, eating properly etc...I have had to get up to get my gorgeous son ready, fed and off to school....but once back home have gone straight to bed and stayed there till he came home.
You dont come across as moan, moan, moan, but help, help, help. There are great people on here and I am sure we can all get through this together. I have mostly been a lurker, but this last week I decided to try and participate a bit more....hopefully my input might just help someone.

take care
LB....x

[Guest]

Realisation.

I suffered/suffer from depression too and, all I do know is that alcohol made that depression absolutely crippling. Depression is very difficult to treat if someone is drinking heavily and/or sporadically, so although it is difficult staying AF can only help in the long run.

[witchywoman]

Realisation.

Dear T2C,
I was almost in tears reading your story, I have been made redundant & although it will be difficult finacially, I know it is the best thing for me at the moment, I too worked in retail, customer repairs (not the funnest job in the world) incredibly stressfull, which eventually was a big part of why i had a breakdown, so not working fulltime now gives me time to look after myself, which is what I am doing at the moment. Which is what you need to do, take some time, go to your doctor, but look after yourself, being AF will help, especially if you are on AD's. I got to a stage were I was having panic attacks if work rang me during my weekends, or would almost physically not be able to get out of bed to go to work. Please look after you, talk to us, your friend, write how you are feeling in a journal.
For me i know that stress is a mjor contributor to my drepression & emotional state, so now I am working toward finding a job that I can do, go home & not have to think about, if I am to remain AF, I cant let myself be in such a emotionally draining job.
anyway what i really wanted to say was I understand, & wish you all the best.
XX

[Time to change]

Realisation.

Witchy, Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. I actually started writing in a journal last night and posted my first entry on here as I wanted to share my thoughts. I was amazed how emotional I got reading it back to myself and wanted to share that, It was very cathartic. Definatly something I'm going to keep up. I think stress is a major factor too, although I find I'm stressed about feeling lost and not being in the job I want to be in etc. rather than stressed over work. Its great you're looking for a less draining job hun, Let me know how that goes. Thanks again for the kind post xx