Looking inside...

[Time to change]

Hello, So I decided to put pen to paper and write what came in to my head last night and actually got very emotional in the process. Just wanted to share with you what I wrote. . I just want to quiet my brain for a little while I feel like I can't get away. I'm constantly irritated by the most trivial things. I'm exhausted, even when I sleep. I'm exhausted by my dreams. I would love, for one night, not to be chased or chasing, not to have the life or death task of being solely responsible for something or someone. Most of the time I'm close to tears, the only way to get away from that is sleeping. My will power not to drink is so weak at times it scares me. I have caved several times and hidden it, giving out the pretence that I am living a sober new life. The truth is that, yes I am doing better and living a cleaner life most days. But, I keep slipping up. I'm not winning. I hate letting people down but I always do where drinks involved. I want to be a writer but I haven't written in ages. I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, I don't know what. Sometimes I can't catch my breath. I feel so overwhelmed. I can't imagine how people cope with Kids and stressful jobs when I feel like this now. That makes me feel guilty. I watch TV, read, spend hours on Facebook just to avoid thinking. I avoid my emotions and I don't know why? Nothing has happened to me to make me this way, I wasn't abused, No one died. I'm generally a confident, social person. I can handle myself in most social situations. I don't drink for confidence. When I do drink I tend to drink alone, It's an event for me. Almost like a worship of some kind. Its a little party on my own which at the time I totally justify. I like to romanticize about the future but rarely actually do anything towards it. I live in the now, but not in a good way. I live a Groundhog day. Even when I'm not drinking, which is most days now in fairness. I am still stuck on repeat. I want my life to change. I want my brain to slow down give me space to think clearly. I want to be focused, together, rational and motivated. I want to be successful. I want to stop feeling so down that I can barely move or speak. I want to do things other than sleep. I want to start again. I want a normal brain, whatever that may be! I want to be able to close my brain down, just for a minute or two. Just to get a break. Writing helps me escape but even as I write this my mind is whirring with thoughts that essentially amount to nothing. Just white noise, but they fill my head constantly. I feel very alone right now, In a mental sense. I feel isolated from those around me. Like they are living their lives and I am a bystander, an extra, rather than the star of my own. People are there for me and that means a lot but at times it also seems so distant. I'm making it distant. . Thats all, it ends abrubtly because thats how my thoughts naturally came to a head last night. I hope people can relate to my thoughts. Just wanted to share as it came straight from the heart. Thanks for reading guys xx

[Time to change]

Looking inside...

P.s I don't know why this has come out in one massive paragraph!!! thats not how I wrote it so sorry if its hard to read! xx

[Guest]

Looking inside...

I've had a quick skim-read of your paragraph and scarily enough it all makes a lot of sense - because those are exactly the thoughts I had when I was still drinking. I occasionally still get periods just like that but without AL they are ten times less debilitating. This morning I had a 'what's the point, let's just stay in bed and hide' moment. Now if I was hungover I would have done that, being 5 months AF I was able to say "come on let's get going".

Something else jumped out at me, its something that's been bothering me and I might go into it in more depth on a thread. It's the phrase "caved in", as if you were under so much pressure you just said "come on, walk all over me AL, I'm useless". My feeling is that it's ourselves that makes an active decision to drink in the first place, and we have the choice not to take that drink at all times.

Take care.

[Liverbirdy]

Looking inside...

Hi TtC,
firstly congrats on day 3!!!!
As I read your thread it sent shivers down my spine....it totally mirrors how I am feeling with or without al...pretty scary when you see it written down. But thanks for sharing :l

[Chillgirl]

Looking inside...

Time2change - I too can totally relate to your feelings. That groundhog day of waking up feeling like shit, vowing not to drink that day, then by lunchtime convincing myself that a few drinks would just take the edge off that hangover... then it would start all over again!

We are like mice on the treadmill, caught in a never ending cycle of misery. The good news is you CAN break that cycle, and once you do, your brain will quickly get used to the new norm of waking up feeling great! You will have the energy to make the changes in your life, the freedom to make good decisions with a clear mind and move your life forward. What you describe is the typical feelings that AL give us and once you experience longer AF you will see what amazing things lie ahead of you!

[fennel]

Looking inside...

I know what you mean. My dreams, for the first three nights AF were very like the ones you describe. In my dreams, I was exhausted, trying to find rest...and waking up feeling as if I'd had no sleep at all! Your drinking is similar to mine, as well...it's a ritual. I'm an artist at heart, and my urge to create doesn't return until I've been AF for a while. Funny how some artists need A to create, but for me, it kills the creativity.

It does take some time for the brain chemistry to return to normal...can you keep up being AF for a while to see if your writing ability returns? :l

[jodiex]

Looking inside...

WOW!!

That so describes how i feel sometimes. What a powerful piece of writing.

[choice]

Looking inside...

It's hard to look inside and uncomfortable too sometimes. This is a strong post. :h