I can't moderate - dilemma over

[bear73]

have decided I can't drink - removing the tiring debate will be a relief.
I have struggled with the 'do i need to stop totally/AA approach' idea because i binge drank socially, held down my job, am not yet physically damaged from alcohol (as far as i know)etc etc

To be honest i felt like i would have been seen as a fraud if I had gone to an AA meeting - as I wasn't at rock bottom - compared to others my problems seem minor.
BUT they escalate - do I carry on - stop now when there are some warning signs - I have decided what my old approach meant was that I was waiting to get seriously ill/jobless before I stopped - that makes no sense!

So far alcohol has caused me to smoke/put on weight/miss out on exercise/feel low/possibly caused my depression/keep me stuck/spend too much money. I realise that's not liver damage/drinking all day YET but it's not a happy way of life.

I also cannot control it - and if I do it's a real effort - when I drink there is always a part of me that wants to get blasted.

Two weeks af/nf before went to see friends other week - i was sick through alcohol for first time in years - 4 guinness,almost bottle of wine,quarter bottle of whisky.
I was alcohol free next day but 3 pints/wine next day - then 2 days af - went to see friend this weekend large glass of wine,1 rum, 2 pints - felt awful next day.

This dilemma /seesaw has gone on for too long - yes I love smell of wine/idea of a nice glass with a meal. I am exhausted with the 'did i lapse because I can't go af' internal debate - or 'because I can and should mod'.
No one will ever truly 100% know how the future will pan out - but there are enough indications that if i carry on drinking it will not turn out well.
Hey my friend loves bread but can't have it due to her gluten allergy - I can deal with it.

[mollyka]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

I remember when I made that decision Bear, and yes it was a relief - sad in a way, sort of a whole way of life having to be put behind me, but as my drinking escalated it wasn't fun anymore, it became more like maintenance.
It IS easier just saying 'no, I don't drink' than 'well maybe Sat. week' etc. Best of luck!
Molly

[Guitarista]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Congratulation's Bear.

I finally realised i couldn't mod also, after many fruitless attempts at trying. There is no more debate in my mind now, and that makes staying stopped a lot easier. I don't know whether i'll ever drink again to be honest, but i do know, that for now, being totally af is the way for me, and will continue to be for a long time to come yet. I'm loving my new life too much, and for me the benefit's of a sober life are too obvious to ignore.

Go for it friend!

(would you like a song?...a song for the lady?)

[one2many]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Nice one Bear....things are so much easier when the decision is made....takes the "will I/won't I" dilemma out of it......

Good for you x

[gyco]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

hi 73,i am very happy for you,will the decision be rt for you,you xplain your drinking habits,i dont think it takes a genious to see where the addiction mite take you,forever my dear is a long time,and here youll get much of the needed support,remember theres parties,hallloween,get togethers,weddings,and christmas,will see how you are in 1 month or 2 0r 3,but to feel guilty that you werent as low as the members of AA, trust me ive been in and out of AA for almost 12 years,out rt now,lerning how to mod,dont have a problem stopping,staying stopped and wanting to,is the question,t would be the least of there cares,how much you drank,i remmeber a story a lady said ,thyve never seen a persn in the rooms that didnt belong there,as youve shown with your own well being,and really that is the person that has to be concerned,you,,it is not how much you drink,it is about how one preceives to drink,i wish you well gyco where theres a will,there is a way

[rebirth]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Bear. I came to the same decision three months ago...I struggled for years to moderate because i thought I had not reached my rock bottom. Still had the career etc. but mentally i had nothing and i was merely functioning.
My world is completely different since giving up the drink. I am energized, focused and a much better person to myself and others. x

[Peacefull]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Hi Bear,

Sounds exactly like me, except I feel that I finally did hit my bottom last weekend .

Welcome, this site has helped me soo much this past week..

Peace

[mere]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Hi Bear,
I've just started with the supplements and on MWO but can totally relate to your story...I have a good career, two grown wonderful children, pay my bills.....BUT I started drinking wine last week during work hours had to go home I was so tired. Yeah I played with moderation for the past 4 years and no can't do it. Like you I've spent so much money when I'm feeling OH SO GOOD! And then awake then next morning and realize I didn't need any of the crap I bought and it's things I wouldn't have bought had I need been drunk.
So hang in there. We all have to come to our own realization but I gotta tell you the posting here, reading the threads and checking out the tool kit are great ways to start.
Best of luck!

[Doggygirl]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Bear, I can sure relate to the sense of relief you describe finally accepting that moderation is impossible. It took me a long time to reach that point too.

The only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking. That's all. If it's something you want to check out to see if it would be helpful for you, just go. We are all encourage to seek our similarities - not our differences. Even though I have never had a DUI (can't imagine how I missed that, but I'm grateful!), never was fired from my job for drinking, didn't lose my husband, I cannot control my drinking once I start. I'm an alcoholic (or if you prefer, I am addicted to alcohol) just the same as the guy living out of a box under a bridge drinking MD 20/20 out of a bottle wrapped in a paper bag.

I'm happy for you because now the REAL journey can begin. (instead of the can I / can't I viscious circle debate)

DG

[momof3]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Hey Bear,

I was thinking about you the other day. Good to hear from you.

I never hit what people often describe as "rock bottom", i.e., I never got a DUI, lost my job, etc. However, I was losing my soul. My life was empty because everything revolved around drinking.

Once the ambivalence around whether to mod or abstain is gone, it becomes easier. I suspect that in your heart of hearts that you've known for awhile that you cannot moderate. Those who have been successful at abstaining will tell you that it has to become your number one priority above anything else. When I was in the early stages, every decision I made was based on whether it was going to bring me closer to or further away from relapsing.

If you haven't already done so, please check out the "4 Stages of Alcoholism" and the "4 Stages of Recovery" threads started by Mario in the Long Terms Abstinence Section. They will provide you will alot of insight on where you are and what it means to recover. The "4 Stages of Alcoholism" really captures how slow and insidious the disease can be. While for others, progression can be quite rapid.

Put a plan together and go for it!!

M3

[choice]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Hi Bear,

I totally agree with wanting to stop now and not waiting until there is a bottom. I've been trying to moderate the past year or so. Nobody told me to stop completely. Well Doggiegirl did after a post I'd put somewhere when I was a few days AF. :thanks: The fact is I really hated modifying because I kept failing. Oh sometimes I was "good" but it was always a struggle. When I wasn't it was a blackout. I kinda think trying to moderate got dangerous for me.

Blackouts were getting closer together and with less AL. Once in a blackout I was told I was drinking faster and couldn't get enough. Scary. I think I was making up for lost time. I labeled myself an alcholic last week sometime after a disturbing panic attack where I was still trying to debate in my head if I could moderate and reaching out to family...

The fact is one drink will hurt me. I only drank a bottle of wine a week and had drinks out on weekends maybe two times a month. Perfect moderation plan. Not for me though. I drank that bottle during the week in under an hour and suffered the rest of the night wanting more. And once I got to "let loose" on a weekend night I'd loose count after 3 drinks and wake up the next day barely able to pick my head up off the pillow. What's the point of keeping this routine up for years? Yeah a drink of wine at dinner sounds nice or does it really?

[hillsidetime]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Hey Bear, I am right there with you. I know in my heart that I cannot moderate, and I am so glad that I am now living alcohol free. Your statement about not knowing the exact future, but having a pretty darned good idea how it would turn out with drinking, was so true for me. I also felt it was a relief to finally make this decision, it is tough work - especially the first few months - but it is worth it. All the best,
Hill

[angel77]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

Hi Bear, I have the same debate in my mind as well. Although, I guess I just remind myself that alcoholism is a progressive disease and I have already lost enough to make me try and stop altogether. Try being the operative word there. I think it is great that you have enough foresight to stop before there is liver damage or drinking all day. I also understand how hard it is when you go and see friends and they are all drinking and you want to join in and have fun but there is that voice in the back of your head saying no. I also watched a documentary on youtube yesterday about alcoholics. It is very confronting but I really think you should watch it. It is called "rain in my heart" and was on BBC or something. I really wanted to have some wine yesterday, although watching this doco made me think twice. Good luck with everything!


Angel

[greeneyes]

I can't moderate - dilemma over

bear, that indecision and uncertainty is a bear, isn't it? The mental discussions can drive you crazy. I too think you know deep down you can't mod. We've watched your attempts, talked about it, tried new plans and it just isn't working for you. As has been pointed out, acceptance (and yes, you can even embrace it) of abstinance makes the path so much easier. You'll see!