24 Hours

[Paula2010]

2am - wake with a hangover because the wine has worn off - stay awake for hours despising myself - I am hopeless, why do I do this, I am so pathetic - lucky if I get another hours sleep before I have to get up for work at 6.30am.

Morning - having a shower saying to myself - I am so sick of this - not going to drink tonight- don't have to, I am strong.

Lunchtime - craving fatty takeaway foods - know this isn't helping me get my life in order but it is easy and will have it anyway.

3pm - starting to think about wine and that hey I feel pretty good now - its not that bad if I drink again tonight.

5pm - on the way home - wrestling between whether to have some wine or not. Knowing deep down there is no choice - I can't stop myself.

6pm - at home heading for the fridge - little voice saying you don't have to do this - but it is so weak and pushed aside for the uncontrolable urge to get that bottle open and in the glass.

8pm - drunk a whole bottle of wine and comtemplating opening another - just one glass from the second bottle won't hurt - right? Past caring about this anyway.

9.30ish - had enough to turn off the light and pass out.

2am - ......

This endless cycle is destroying my life one day at a time. I don't want to stop drinking socially but I do want to stop drinking by myself and relying on wine so much. It is ruling my life and I want that to stop. Not sure if it is even possible for me to drink socially? I have the MWO book - and will continue to read this. I also have the hypnotherapy CD's. I don't want to go to the dr for pills - too embarrassed.

I would really like to have a buddy who can help me stay on track - someone that has been there and is living my dream. Is there anyone there that can help me with this?

I'm not sure what else to do and even now that it is 11.30am I feel ok and wondering why I am even writing this - do I really want to change? Yes - but old habits are so comforting and hard to break.

[Lillypond059]

24 Hours

Hi Paula
I'm not sure if I can help, just wanted to say Hi !!!
I'm pretty new here too, I'm only on day 23 AF, but I now exactly how you you feel, I to am too embarrassed to go to my doctor for pills, but have been taking most of the supps they advise In MWO book, I have been taking one day at a time, don't feel on top of the world or anything yet, but at least I'm not having that self hatred feeling, guilt etc. I'm sure there will be others along soon that can be of more help to you.
Take Care

Lillypond x

[Paula2010]

24 Hours

Hi Lillypond,
Thanks for your reply - well done on day 23!!

It is good to know there are others that understand - last night my husband said, no wine tonight - it is only Tuesday - I told him to mind his own business - but waited until he went back outside and then hid the bottle and glass that I was using. It has become a chore to drink - something that has to get done. Just awful!

[mere]

24 Hours

Wow Paula and Lillypond - I can totally relate! I'm only on day 4 AF! Paula your life sounds like mine 4 days ago! Got that wine and that vicious cycle - "I'm all alone.....drink wine!"
So sick of that cycle, the hurt I felt, shame, guilt, lies. Just 4 days and I'm starting to remember who I am....
Glad you both are here. Reading these threads all weekend and posting has really helped. You might want to check out the Newbie thread - it's the Newbie nest and all the senior members are uber helpful and comforting.:new:

[enja]

24 Hours

Welcome, Paula! :welcome:

I'm a newbie as well and sure do recognize that vicious cycle, the 'hiding', and resentment. Wine was also my 'poison', I'd been drinking nearly two bottles a night (except for a memorable period a few months ago when I switched to vodka - because I thought I would only have a couple of shots and that would be better than the copious amount of wine I'd been consuming....yeah, right.... before too long I was drinking nearly half a bottle of vodka a night so switched back to the wine....)

I echo what mere said and encourage you to join in the Newbie Nest and also check out the "What I Hate, Loath & Just Can't Stand About Drinking" thread - under Goals > Monthly Abstinence. Many of our stories are similar - it's sad but also comforting knowing that so many others here 'get it'. "The Tools" thread is also invaluable and inspirational, plenty to read there to distract you while you're not drinking!

I'd been wanting to give up AL for ages but like you, just couldn't seem to make it through that first evening without wine. Finally registered here whilst suffering a hangover from hell - I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired - decided I'd commit to Sunbeam's "Sober September Challenge", bought a bunch of the OTC supplements (I find Kudzu, L-Glutamine and "True Calm" really help) and so far I'm 10 days AF. I see that Change has started a Five Day Challenge thread, maybe you might want to think about trying that for starters?

Good luck! :l

[mollyka]

24 Hours

Good morning and welcome Paula. Recognise your 24 hrs very very well - I lived it and worse for the last 5 years of my drinking. It does become a chore to drink - when I realised I wasn't greeting my kids with a kiss in case they smelt the booze off me was another low point.
Personally I found that once alcohol became a real problem reverting to social drinking became impossible. I also needed my docs support, for years the thought of going to him with all this was nigh on impossible till I reached an even lower point and thought 'what the hell' and went to him. It is great support having him in my corner and he helped me with meds at the beginning and anti-d's when it became apparent that I was deeply depressed as well or because of alkie probs.
Good luck to you all - actually, Changes 5 day thread is a great idea - 5 days is manageable yeah? you've no idea how well you will feel after only 5 days and then will prob want to go on and do more. Do come over and visit the nest as well folks - it has saved more than one of us!!
Molly

[hdb]

24 Hours

sounds only to familiar

Hello Paula

Welcome to MWO, Geez your daily cycle looks just like mine has been for years! including the pounds of guilt, sadness and permanent disappointment... it?s so frightening isn?t it? I have also started working from home so start even earlier - sneaking some before my husband and kids get home - it?s so very sad This site is very good and I hope it will help you in your journey, I see some great advise been given already above, the people on this site are so very supportive.

I to don't want to give up totally but can't continue this way, I would be happy to buddy up with you Paula (and anyone else) if you would like to do the program suggested in the book for 6 weeks? I ordered the supplements yesterday but am in the UK so the All in One may take a bit to come (I to haven't consulted my GP and don?t want prescription meds yet so will be just doing with the vitamins and supps). I was set to begin on Monday 13th Sept but will start earlier if you prefer?
You have taken the first step in coming here which is good, good luck.

HDB

[tired of this addiction]

24 Hours

Paula, your 24 hours is exactly as mine and it seems so many others here. Since I just made it through my first 24 hours AF I really dont have any words of wisdom but I do take comfort in the amount of us that go through this vicious cycle. It's always good to feel not alone. Giving up the alcohol, wine, vodka, whatever we have been poisioning ourselves with is like giving up a friend. Someone that has been a constant compainion for so long. I turned here for help and although my 24 hours without alcohol is very small, it is still a big step and a great feeling of accomplishment. Hang in there, you can do it and will feel better in a very short time!

[mere]

24 Hours

Paula hope you are hanging in there. I'm on my 5th AF day. One day at a time. Just keep coming back. I'm a newbie and that is a great "nest" to start out with. Everyone is so helpful, understanding and supportive.
I hope you'll keep reading the posts and posting. Lots of great people here to help you.

[Chillgirl]

24 Hours

Paula - I could have written that exact script myself!! What always amazes me is how similar we all are and yet before I found this site I felt so alone with this as I didn't dare admit it to anyone else.

If you would like my help in any way please let me know, I have been af for 8 months, the cycle broken long ago and I'm loving my new life! You CAN do this......

[Doggygirl]

24 Hours

Paula, I too could have written that description of your 24 hours a day viscious cycle.

For me, attempts to drink moderately were an exercise in frustration, and simply prolonged my depression and frustration with life.

The important thing is to get the journey underway and then see where it leads for you.

Strength and hope to you.

DG

[spuddleduck]

24 Hours

hi paula and :welcome:
yet another who can identify with your endless cycle. ITS AWFUL isnt it. you are definately not alone here. all i can suggest is to try one day at a time. waking up without a hangover is the best. good luck and let us know how you get on

[K9Lover]

24 Hours

Welcome Paula!
Your cycle sounds like mine too! Although I never woke up at 2am, I usually drank enough to stay "passed out" until my alarm went off in the morning. But I can defintely identify with the feelings of guilt, shame and remorse after drinking...yet by 3:00pm planning where I was going to go to get more alcohol on the way home. It just doesn't make any sense...yet to the alcoholic mind it sure does! I also can relate to your statement "It has become a chore to drink"....yes, it sure did for me too! I was putting so much thought and effort in to where to buy it, when to drink it...all the planning was just too much!

We're glad you have joined us. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you...there's a lot of support and wisdom here!

K9

[dorsetdude]

24 Hours

Hi Paula, I echo everything you and everybody else has written, this is my first night without wine in so many years, I finished 3 bottles last night and can't believe how guilty and ashamed i feel. I hope to moderate my drinking and take back control, I wish you all the best and hope to read many more posts from you and others x

[Paula2010]

24 Hours

Wow you guys are fantastic - thank you so much for your replies! I didn't manage to stay off the wine last night but have decided that it was the last time I am doing that! With the weekend approaching it will be harder because it is "almost" ok to drink on the weekends right! Wrong. I don't have any social plans so I have no excuse to drink. I have only a little wine left at home which is getting thrown out tonight - and not down my throat! I think i had more than I usually do last night because I slept till 4am and then nothing after. And you're right - waking up without a hangover is the best. I have gained 4kgs over the last 3 months which I attribute to my drinking - because if I'm drinking I'm not exercising, I'm eating more rubbish whilst drinking and the next day, I am unorganised with my food too. It all just makes me feel worse which makes me drink more!

I am going on holidays at the end of this month staying at a friends house - we have already planned to catch up with a few drinks! Eeek! But I am thinking that this will be a good test for the moderation thing - so from today until I arrive on her doorstep I promise myself not to drink at all! Then I will see if I can return to the non-drinking at home when alone. That is the habit I NEED to stop - I know it is a craving and I do worry about whether having drinks with my friend will make the craving return.

I would like to purchase the vitamins - what is a good mix to buy? I am in Australia so it will take a while to arrive so would like to order today if possible.

It is great to know I am not alone and if I come here I am hoping it will give me the strength I know I am going to need.

Paula
xx