Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

[waterboy]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

Thanks

I appreciate everybody's encouragement to try and stop. I don't know if I can but at least I have some place now to come and immerse myself in something more positive. The hardest thing about life is how things all seem to conspire against you when you want to do the right thing. I understand that alcohol can make circumstances look more desperate than they really are but in my case circumstances are genuinely difficult. Thank you to everybody who responded. It was nice not to feel like I was being assessed.

[Anjicia]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

Welcome Waterboy i hope things get better. keep posting. I hope this site can be of some help to you. :l

[mollyka]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

Waterboy, I know what you are saying. I went thro a couple of really hard years with family problems and culminating in my mothers death. I dealt with it with alcohol. I went to my counsellor last Friday and we were discussing this. Even now I don't know how I would have dealt with everything without a crutch. The problem is that I used the wrong crutch - alcohol just brought on oblivion and then double hurt when I sobered up. Still don't know what the right crutch would have been tho. Luckily for me my situation is sort of in the past but you are obviously still in the middle of something. Perhaps try and think of something else you can use (sorry, as I say I never found the solution) to get you thro your problems?
Molly

[Mish]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

:welcome: Waterboy. I have been here under a month and I am still finding my way around the site and forums, and I am happily confident to state categorically that finding my way here and opening up, as you just have, is the biggest step I have made in my life. If I (or anyone here) could have given up by sheer force of will it would be a matter of self control, but it isn't - it's a disease.
Ten years ago I was like Doggygirl was, unable to take a day off Al. My life became a mishmash as I began to drink myself into oblivion every night to cope with the nightmare of holding down an 84 hour a week pressure job, going through a marriage breakdown, menopause, facing bankrupcy, watching my 14 year old daughter (who chose to live with her father) leave school, take drugs, drink and become sexually active. I was also being threatened and blackmailed by a disgruntled colleague. I had severe pain which led me to doctor after doctor, resulted in a hysterectomy and the pain continued. I look back now and marvel that I lived like this for 2 years until I finally burnt out and had a nervous breakdown. It was a relief! The pain, as it turned out, was psychosomatic!
I somehow pulled myself out of the everyday drinking but fell into a binge drinking pattern. I could go weeks sometimes without Al, but eventually the stress got to me and I'd relapse. I was soooooooo ashamed. For the last 8 years I have been stuck. Then I met a new friend who is a recovering alcoholic. She picked me "like a snotty nose." She made me want to get well even more than before without judgement or comment, and so it was that I found this wonderful, life-saving site.
On the first day I found the link "Rain in My Heart" and watched all ten segments end to end. Wow! I picked my username and password and joined in straight away. Those 4 people featured in the videos touched my heart. "Mark" in particular, when he was weeping from the emotional pain you, I and everyone here know all too well.
I was really doing well, and then WHAM, out of nowhere, the relapse. I had been a bit on the smug side because I had been doing so well...hahahaha. Won't make that mistake again!
Since last Thursday I have been AF. 5 days. In that time I have been researching and have learned something I never knew before and which, when I read your courageous post, made me wonder if you know.
I thought I had no withdrawl symptoms when I binged because I never thought about Al or wanted it between binges. HOWEVER I did have terrible symptoms due to my Panic disorder, my ADHD, my OCD, my depression,my headaches, my borderline anorexia and my insomnia. OR SO I THOUGHT!!!!
The paralysing anxiety which made it hard to remember to breathe or move, the pounding headaches worse than any hangover I've ever had, the 3 to 4 nights in a row where I wouldn't sleep at all (I read the complete works of Jane Austen in two days), the lack of appetite...I found that these are the symptoms of alcohol withdrawl. Yes!!! I couldn't believe it. Joy. I finally turned on the light and saw the monster.
The booze I thought was helping me cope with the monster was actually creatingit!!!!
Now I know what the monster looks like I know better how to arm myself in the war against it. Yesterday I had an upset which would normally propel me into a binge. Instead of a bottle of wine I chose to talk to a counsellor. I won that particular battle. I am in for many more battles, I know, but I am proud of that first little win.
Right now I am in serious withdrawl. No sleep, a belly full of adrenalin, sense of impending doom, and major brain pain. I have picked up the weapon of "endurance" to get through this one. And prayer. Soooooo powerful!

You can do this, Waterboy. :goodjob: for your post.
Mish

[mollyka]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

Mishmash, I love your expression your 'weapon of endurance', sometimes we can try all the tools the tricks the hints and nothing seems to work and sometimes we just have to - bite the bullet and endure a bit of 'mental torture' (not QUITE that bad , but you get my drift!) when the urges come unannounced! They always go away again, that is the biggest trick to remember with urges and cravings
Molly

[greeneyes]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

Hi waterboy and welcome! It is true that drinking will make a difficult situation worse. And you say.. but my situation is genuinely difficult. I'm sure it is. I'm also sure it wouldn't SEEM as bad if you were sober. I was a 24/7 drinker. I experienced the isolation I can sense in your initial post. And the fear and shame. And the guilt. To be free of that is a wonderous thing. It is worth giving it all you've got to push through. Do read the MWO book as a start. Best to you!

[waterboy]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

making it worse

Thanks for your input green eyes. My situation is not helped by alcohol yes. But it certainly does not shape my initial perception of it being bad. I understand I am providing little details to base your judgement on, but blanket statements don't really help when they aren't accurate. I mean this in the most benevolent way (smiles).

[Pride before Fall]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

"I drink nearly everyday, lots. I drink at work, at home, outside."

I can't speak for Greenie, WB, and I get that you're frustrated, but nobody this neck deep in hooch has an accurate perception of his or her situation or anyone else's. It might be better; it might be worse. You must be a little curious to find out or you wouldn't have posted.

[waterboy]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

defensive?

I wasn't being defensive. I was stating a fact. I can see I've already been misunderstood and if anything other people are being defensive. Anyway, I'll not bother the clique anymore.

[Guest]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

WB

All I can say is that I myself had a whole hoard of problems over many, many years and AL only compounded if not caused all of them. It also made it impossible for me to deal with (a) current real issues and (b) address ongoing as well as historical concerns.

So many times I said "If anyone had my life they would drink". I also understand about not wanting to, or being able to share specifically. This week at a recovery group I was asking for help with some deep personal matters, but for some very good, personal reasons could not go into specifics with the group. Made it very difficult and even the stuff I did discuss was extremely deep, complicated and made me feel like I had the worst problems going. Tell you what though if I had resorted to drink - which is what I wanted to do to ease it all then I would not have had a chance to try work through it all. I'd have lashed out, made bad decisions and probably told a few people where to go. Now I don't want to do any of that because it would mean more problems and more rubbish in my head. I want to be able to face things, and to do that I have to be sober.

If people want to come over all funny it's probably because they are only concerned. No one is any better, nor any worse than the next person on here. But we have generally all been in the same place.

[waterboy]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

assumption

UKb,

I understand everybody has issues here but Green Eyes post assumed that the circumstances that acted as a catalyst for my problem could be unversally interpreted as not so problematic if I were sober. This is a generalisation and that is all I was trying to point out. My problem does not look better when I am sober, hence the reason I drink.

I am sorry about the clique comment but I feel people sometimes need to listen more before applying their own criteria and wisdom to somebody elses they don't really know.

Anyway, I am sorry if I offended anyone.

[Doggygirl]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

Waterboy, what type of support are you looking for?

It took me a long time to see that drinking really DID make my problems worse. I started from a viewpoint that "if you had my life and my problems you would drink too." What I am seeing in this thread is that many of us started from that point. We thought our troubles were unique. We might have been to a point to see that drinking wasn't helping, but we sure didn't see it was making things worse. "We" are not a clique. "We" are individuals from all over the world, from all different backgrounds, who have realized that our perceptions coming in were not accurate.

Maybe your circumstances really ARE unique. If so, then nobody here will have much to offer you. If on the other hand, you can open your mind to the possibility that as alcoholics, we DO tend to percieve things in a skewed way, and we DO tend to think alike, then maybe you can take another look at the feedback you have recieved, and see that you are not so different from the rest here after all. And if you really are NOT that different, then there is hope. If "we" have faced what you have faced and have somehow stopped drinking, then maybe you can do it too. I hope you take another look around.

DG

[Guest]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

One of the reasons most problems CAN look better sober is because sober you generally have a better chance of sorting them out, or feeling better about it. Might not make it go away. For instance say someone was about to demolish my house, drinking might help me forget, sober they are still going to knock my house down - that doesn't change. However if I stay sober I have a chance to find another place to live, whereas drunk I can just wallow and feel rubbish about it, end up not able to go through what I need to to find a decent place for myself and become homeless as a result.

[waterboy]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

apologies and thanks

I just wanted to apologise for not realy communicating my needs. It was wrong for me to adopt a vague position and expect people to get me. Thank you for your patience. Maybe this is the wrong place for me because I can't disclose more details of my situation. I just know that life feels unbearable with and without alcohol.

[Guest]

Not sure what to say but I'm stuck

That's a point almost all of us have been at at some point or another, I was for so long.