I guess alcohol has always made its presence very clear in my life. I still have very clear memories to this day of how it effected my father /my childhood. My mother left him because of his alcohol addiction and took my sister and I with her. I was about six or seven the last time we were allowed to stay with him. I remember we were in a caravan park. We went out for dinner at a restaurant/pub. I remember being there for age?s hours on end. While he was inside. He came out and wasn?t walking straight. He picked my sister and I up and started to walk back to the lodge.
We walked for a while, then he tripped and fell over and I remember falling and hitting my head on the cement and crying hysterically. I guess looking at it through adult eyes now I didn?t understand what was happening and what was wrong with him. I remember trying to calm my sister who wasn?t hurt but was also crying.
We got back to the room and he put us into the double bed. There was a curtain that divided the room and he shut it. I could see through the crack. He then sat down in front of the little TV and started drinking beer after beer. It surprises me as I write this how vivid and clearly I can remember it all.
I then recall telling my mother what had happened when I returned home. She didn?t let us stay with him anymore. He used to call every few years and I could never understand him as his voice was always slurred. I would ask mum why he didn?t love us and why he didn?t call on my birthday. She would say Darling. He loves you very much and he is a good person he just doesn?t feel he is ?good enough? to come back into your and your sister?s life.
Fast-forward a few years past my mother?s new boyfriend and the horrifying abuse towards her and us, leaving there in the middle of the night. Being woken and sat in the car, watching him force her t come back inside.
I don?t want to write about the abuse as I cant really bare to drag up all of that hurt again. Honestly don?t see the point. Then she married my now stepfather. I went away to boarding school, as I didn?t get along with my stepfather. I was very depressed and didn?t know why. I had suppressed all of these memories until about year 12 when I realised why I couldn?t trust anyone and why I was so sad all of the time.
I started to drink heavily, only socially at parties with friends etc in about year 10. I was quite popular at school and was doing well in class. But I was still desperately unhappy and in year 11 started binge drinking on my own, my close friends knew and wanted me to stop, but I couldn?t.
I finished school. Did my HSC and went overseas to the UK for a year and travelled Europe where I proceeded to party and drink heavily. I remember thinking holy f**k I am in PARIS I can see the Eiffel tower I am young and have a place at university when I get home. Why aren?t I happy? Why do I persist in killing my body slowly with poison? I guess I kept moving (still do) thinking I will be happy when I am at boarding school away from my step father, I will be happy. When I go overseas, I will be happy. When I go back to university I will be happy, and so on. I realise now this doesn?t make sense and that I need to find peace with myself. I came back to Australia and went to Uni. Proceeded to drink and make an absolute idiot of myself. Ruin lots of potential relationships and become behind in work etc. I left uni. I really don?t know what I am going to do. But as of today, Sunday the 12th of September. I am 13 DAYS ALCOHOL FREE. I want to put a stop to all of this. I want to be a better person. I want to end the cycle so that in ten years time I am not looking into my child?s disappointed eyes and trying to justify my actions. I want to be better so I can help others you know make a difference in this mad world we all call home.
I hope this doesn?t seem like a ?poor old me? wallowing in self pity story. I just wanted to be recklessly honest. A snap shot of my past if you like. So sorry if it doesn't make sense and is a bit fragmented.
We walked for a while, then he tripped and fell over and I remember falling and hitting my head on the cement and crying hysterically. I guess looking at it through adult eyes now I didn?t understand what was happening and what was wrong with him. I remember trying to calm my sister who wasn?t hurt but was also crying.
We got back to the room and he put us into the double bed. There was a curtain that divided the room and he shut it. I could see through the crack. He then sat down in front of the little TV and started drinking beer after beer. It surprises me as I write this how vivid and clearly I can remember it all.
I then recall telling my mother what had happened when I returned home. She didn?t let us stay with him anymore. He used to call every few years and I could never understand him as his voice was always slurred. I would ask mum why he didn?t love us and why he didn?t call on my birthday. She would say Darling. He loves you very much and he is a good person he just doesn?t feel he is ?good enough? to come back into your and your sister?s life.
Fast-forward a few years past my mother?s new boyfriend and the horrifying abuse towards her and us, leaving there in the middle of the night. Being woken and sat in the car, watching him force her t come back inside.
I don?t want to write about the abuse as I cant really bare to drag up all of that hurt again. Honestly don?t see the point. Then she married my now stepfather. I went away to boarding school, as I didn?t get along with my stepfather. I was very depressed and didn?t know why. I had suppressed all of these memories until about year 12 when I realised why I couldn?t trust anyone and why I was so sad all of the time.
I started to drink heavily, only socially at parties with friends etc in about year 10. I was quite popular at school and was doing well in class. But I was still desperately unhappy and in year 11 started binge drinking on my own, my close friends knew and wanted me to stop, but I couldn?t.
I finished school. Did my HSC and went overseas to the UK for a year and travelled Europe where I proceeded to party and drink heavily. I remember thinking holy f**k I am in PARIS I can see the Eiffel tower I am young and have a place at university when I get home. Why aren?t I happy? Why do I persist in killing my body slowly with poison? I guess I kept moving (still do) thinking I will be happy when I am at boarding school away from my step father, I will be happy. When I go overseas, I will be happy. When I go back to university I will be happy, and so on. I realise now this doesn?t make sense and that I need to find peace with myself. I came back to Australia and went to Uni. Proceeded to drink and make an absolute idiot of myself. Ruin lots of potential relationships and become behind in work etc. I left uni. I really don?t know what I am going to do. But as of today, Sunday the 12th of September. I am 13 DAYS ALCOHOL FREE. I want to put a stop to all of this. I want to be a better person. I want to end the cycle so that in ten years time I am not looking into my child?s disappointed eyes and trying to justify my actions. I want to be better so I can help others you know make a difference in this mad world we all call home.
I hope this doesn?t seem like a ?poor old me? wallowing in self pity story. I just wanted to be recklessly honest. A snap shot of my past if you like. So sorry if it doesn't make sense and is a bit fragmented.
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