Day 1 AGAIN

[big mo]

Hi all Big Mo here, AGAIN, waking up with another hangover , What the heck am i doing wrong , I come on MYO or go to an AA meeting ,listen to all the advice given thinking i will remember this or that because i need to stop drinking, get a couple of days AF and things start getting better, try and get a plan in my head for when the cravings to drink come ,start going for walks and doing those things i have been putting off for a long time, next thing i'm using all the old excuses in my head to justify drinking and thats it, back to square 1 with a bottle of vodka, I can go all day thinking how good i feel and how good life is without drink and then i just ruin it all and go buy a bottle, i put it in the fridge and kid myself i wont drink it just leave it but really i know i will finish it and not remember most of the evening, I dont even enjoy it any more and being honest the first couple of mouthfuls i have to force down, And then i wake up feeling like crap as i do now and promise todays going to be the day i change things, go to an AA meeting and sort my life out but as the day goes on i put off going to the lunchtime meeting telling myself i will go to an evening meeting and by teatime and the hangover has faded i'm making excuses again, this daily routine goes on for a few days maybe a week until i feel really ill and then, Back here or AA, couple of days AF start feeling good and the cycle continues. I really am frustrated with myself as this has been my life for a long time and i am slowly killing myself, I know it is me and only me can change things but why can i not just wise up and not lift the first drink, I have a great family who continue to stand by me and a nice homelife but i just can't stop drinking. My doctor referred me to an addictions councellor who accessed me and recommended i go to rehab and told me to think about it until our next appointment but the day before our appointment her office called to cancel as she was off ill, great that was fate telling me to carry on drinking, Sorry for whinging and moaning but can't make my family listen to another poor me , i'm gonna change, you can stop me, rant. Day 1 again i just hope this is the start of a new life for me and not the usual crap, thanks for listeninf and again sorry for moaning. Big Mo

[mollyka]

Day 1 AGAIN

Big Mo, welcome back and don't worry bout whinging, we all whinge on here from time to time - no point in this site if we are all 'happy clappy' all the time, it's the challenging pain in the backside times that mostly we need to be here to get thro.
I have had two major cock ups in my 'road to survival' and when you say you don't even enjoy drinking anymore I can completely identify with that. Both times I drank I really felt rotten while drinking - went from headachey to blackout with very very little in between - I just thought I was feeling guilty but maybe our bodies aren't 'enjoying' the booze?
Its obvious you really want to do this - just put your determination rate up to 100% and you can get there - noone lifts the glass to your mouth except yourself. Next time before you raise it remember what you said here 'I don't even enjoy it anymore'. Imagine screwing up our lives for something we don't enjoy
Stick around, loads of us all in the same boat
Molly:welcome:

[Mish]

Day 1 AGAIN

Hi Big Mo, and welcome back. I think you're being a bit hard on yourself when you ask "Why can't I just wise up?" It's not about wisdom, it's about addiction. You're wise enough to be here, where others relate and care, you're wise enough to see what it's doing to your health and your life and you're wise enough to have made arrangements to see a counsellor. Don't let her being ill let you continue to ruin your health. This beast AL is going to take a lot of work to control, so grab hold of everything that's on offer to fight back. Make another appointment...even if you have to lie down and roll over broken glass to get there it's got to be better than just continuing drinking.
I believe in you!!!

[Dewdrop]

Day 1 AGAIN

Hello Big Mo,

I'm new here so not that experienced in all this but I can feel your frustration and despair and it was exactly how I felt. I can relate to so much in your post. You will get lots of advice from others I'm sure but all I can add is my own exprience that things started to change for me as soon as I got through a few days AF and although they were tough it was so worth it to get to a more balanced and controllable life. Its by no means perfect but I'm tackling the alcohol first. I am only 25 days AF today so still in the early stages but I am determined not to go back to the way I was as I have too much to lose.

The only way we can get out of this cycle of drinking is to stop and unfortunately no one can do that but us. Try and think just one minute at a time, one hour or one day whatever it takes in the beginning, I found days 3-5 the hardest, and keep posting. I am confident that you can get through this Mo just lean on us as much as you need to. I wish you well.

Dewdrop :h

[big mo]

Day 1 AGAIN

Hi All went to a lunchtime AA meeting and got a lot out of it, plan to go to another tonight and as many as possible over the next week or so, really need to make this number 1 priority in my life at the minute, Thanks for your replies and advice its both appriciated and needed Mo:thanks:

[FancyC]

Day 1 AGAIN

Welcome, and sounds like you are feeling much better. Lots of advice here to help you. Just keep on going, one day at a time. Each one is a victory! Good luck!

[paguy]

Day 1 AGAIN

Welcome Back Big Mo.

How you described your experiences clearly resonated with me. Everytime I would wake up hung-over, I would tell myself that today would be the day when I would stop drinking. But, by 3PM I was already planning my first drink later in the evening. This is not uncommon at all.

I, too, hated drinking and because of the addiction, my drinking really became more of a habit. It was completely engrained in my daily life and actually took over my life. It wasn't until I had a very honest and direct conversation with myself that in order to beat the addiction once and for all: 1) Becoming AF had to become my number one priority over everything else; 2) I was becoming AF for ME and ME alone; (3) I had to make a 100% commitment to see this through.

Don't beat yourself up. This is all part of the process and we've all been through it.

I wish you the very best - you CAN do this!

[AAthlete]

Day 1 AGAIN

Big mo, you appear to be on the right path, but as you and others have said it really does take 100% commitment on your part. You mentioned going to AA meetings and getting a lot out of them, but do you have a sponsor and are you working the steps?

Our brains have a crazy way of finding loopholes in everything, and until we truly believe that we cannot drink PERIOD, we are always at risk of picking up that next drink. The saying that 'half measures availed us nothing' in AA really does ring true no matter what our sobriety plan is.

Best of luck to you and keep up the hard work!

[OverIt2007]

Day 1 AGAIN

Hi Big Mo.

Your not whining or moaning at all, and I read your whole post. I totally relate to everything you wrote. I do the same shit.

It sounds like your ready to hit a turning point as you seem really sick of the cycle your on. I guess you have to ask yourself, are you ready now to make some changes? Remember, that if nothing changes... then nothing changes, meaning you will just stay on the merry go round with this for ages, and be less and less happy.

Coming here is a great idea. Vent your frusterations and get advice and let others listen and help. I will tell you what I do besides that, I also take Antabuse which you might be familiar with. Is that something you would consider?

Admiting there is a problem of course is number one. It seems your there. Second is figuring out which course of action to take to fix the problem. I hope you find what works for you very soon!

[big mo]

Day 1 AGAIN

Hi all Day 4 and i have been going to AA meetings and feeling good, I am trying to get more involved in the meetings and share rather than just sitting at the back and am enjoying them, Thanks again for all the advice and kind words just need to keep this no 1 in my priority list.

[mollyka]

Day 1 AGAIN

Good on you Big Mo! Sounds like AA hits the button for you. It's like others say on this site, whatever it takes to get sober - do it!
Molly

[fluff]

Day 1 AGAIN

If AA is helping you -stay with it- it sounds like it's a major help for you. Try to pick up something else to drink instead of the booze-and throw out the booze instead of putting it in the fridge. You are sounding great Big Mo- stick with your plan!
Fluff

[jodiex]

Day 1 AGAIN

Hi Big Mo
Just saw this thread, you could have been describing me,well done on your AF free days,look forward to getting to know you better

[big mo]

Day 1 AGAIN

Hi All , day 7 AF and feeling good, MWO and AA are really helping me this time, I missed thursday nights meeting and nearly slipped last night as it was the weekend and that always justified my drinking, the old excuses started to spin in my head and i found myself switching between wanting to drink and not wanting to , thankfully i went to an AA meeting even though it was half over and got my head sorted. I watched the first 4 parts if "rain in my heart" this morning and it shocked me , scared me to because parts of my story are so similair being sober for a short time and promising myself and all close to me never to touch alcohol only to slip at the first hurdle, thankfully i have not been that sick and hospitalised through my drinking but there but for the grace of god go i . Good luck to all and thanks for all your help and wise words.:h:thanks:

[Doggygirl]

Day 1 AGAIN

Big Mo, :yougo: CONGRATULATION ON 7 DAYS AF!!!! That is such wonderful news. I too found my keys to sobriety in My Way Out and AA. The thing with both of these great tools is that we have to USE them and fully engage, especially when we have that feeling of wanting to drink.

I'm so glad to read that you are engaging more in the meetings and sharing, rather than just sitting back. Like AAthlete, I really encourage you to get a sponsor and work the steps. That's the heart of AA and is so important to my own sobriety.

You can do this!!

DG