Death by boredom

[tantangra]

Death by boredom

Hi Molly,
I have been back and forth to the site often. Cricket season starts here soon, Yay. For now we are consumed with rugby league finals. We have had so much rain here I'm sure it looks alot like Ireland!
Take care
Tant

[Mish]

Death by boredom

tantangra;966441 wrote: Hi Molly,
I have been back and forth to the site often. Cricket season starts here soon, Yay. For now we are consumed with rugby league finals. We have had so much rain here I'm sure it looks alot like Ireland!
Take care
Tant

Ah, tant, an east-coaster. Dry as a bone over this side, and I'll be glad when the AFL Grand Final is over and the cricket begins.

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Hi K9lover and Dewdrop, Tant, Mishmash, Mollyka and choice!

I've been out of action for a few weeks, turning 35 and trying to get my head around drinking less. I've experimented with moderation and have realised one definitive thing - I suck at it.

My mood is pretty low right now as I'm still fighting the whole "why can't I just drink like everyone else" mindset. Got a pretty wicked internal struggle going on which is doing my head in so I won't bore anyone here with it, just know please that I so appreciate your kind words of welcome and will make an effort to engage with everyone once I have my act together a little more. It helps a lot to read here and know others have been through the same.

Thanks again everyone and so sorry for the long delay in replying!

[Peacefull]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje,
:welcome:

As a mom myself, I know the guilt and shame that goes with drinking. Thank you for sharing.

What you are going through right now is very typical in the early days, the bargaining, the anxiety, the questioning. It all comes with giving up something that has been a part of our life and in my case a coping mechanism, escape. It's like we are grieving the loss of our beloved alcohol. Believe me, and many others on this wonderful site will agree, it gets better and better. If I get a thought of "I'm not that bad" I think of my last drinking episode and realize, yes I am. If we weren't that bad we wouldn't be here trying to conquer this beast.

Welcome, looking forward to getting to know you.

[Doggygirl]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje. I too spent a long and frustrating time getting past the "why can't I drink like everyone else" thinking (and resentment) and the "I'm not that bad" stuff that Peace mentioned. For me it took a very hard relapse to FINALLY accept 100% that I just cannot ever drink safely. I can drink if I want to, but it will never be a safe decision. Once I start, I have no control over how much I will drink. And when drunk, who knows what will happen.

99% wasn't enough for me to stop. Once I finally surrendered to the idea that I AM "that bad" when I drink, and that I CANNOT control my drinking like some people can, I could truly start my recovery.

I hope you find that place. I know what a mental struggle it is.

DG

[mama bear]

Death by boredom

racing to work, but nice to meet you and ditto whay everyone else says...xoxoxox
Mama

[greeneyes]

Death by boredom

I totally agree about 99% not being enough. 1% may sound like a tiny bit, but it takes up a HUGE amount of head space, time and energy. 100% is a tremendous relief and allows you to totally focus on your life VS your non-life

[gyco]

Death by boredom

i wish

kaje;992172 wrote: Hi K9lover and Dewdrop, Tant, Mishmash, Mollyka and choice!

I've been out of action for a few weeks, turning 35 and trying to get my head around drinking less. I've experimented with moderation and have realised one definitive thing - I suck at it.

My mood is pretty low right now as I'm still fighting the whole "why can't I just drink like everyone else" mindset. Got a pretty wicked internal struggle going on which is doing my head in so I won't bore anyone here with it, just know please that I so appreciate your kind words of welcome and will make an effort to engage with everyone once I have my act together a little more. It helps a lot to read here and know others have been through the same.

Thanks again everyone and so sorry for the long delay in replying!

hi kaje,famous last words,i wish,:goodjob:at least at your age you recognise the problem b4 its to late,ive said to many who hav just started,were tot eveything in are life, but , how to drink the rite way,doesnt make sense, a kind of insanity about it,K ive been doin this stop start thing for many years,reverse psycology,ive finally as i said to someone in another thread,think ofyou lookin at you,how would you feel,what would you do,i dont beleive its all about stopping,FOREVER,as much as we were tot,it is not normal to drink ?by the way :thanks:withut people like you and yhe rest of MWO,I WOULDNT BE WHERE I AM TODAY,content in my own body,whether i drink or not, gyco

[Choochie]

Death by boredom

Kaje,

Just wanted to say welcome.:welcome: I am day 25 AF today and attribute my success to the people on this website. If you read all you can and post your questions you will be amazed at what you will accomplish. I have never slept better or felt better in my adult life. I knew alcohol was affecting me in a big way, but I didn't realize that it was the sole cause of my anxiety and inability to sleep. My anxiety is now totally gone.

My history is like yours in that I started drinking at age 14. I progressively drank more and even though I never had a d.u.i., had problems on a job because of it, or had any overt family problems because of it, I felt horrible every single day because I was hung over.

I don't have kids but I do want to mention something I have observed. Your daughter might be critical of your drinking now but at some point later in life she might very well model herself after you. When she gets around peers who are drinking she will certainly think it's ok. And, even though now she might protest and act like she would not ever drink like you're drinking, that won't necessarily be true later. I absolutely hated the fact that my parents smoked and swore I never would. But, sure enough, I did. Thankfully I've given up smoking, but you see my point. Your daughter really does need for you to be a role model. I can tell from your post that you know that.

Anyway, I am glad you're here. You're in a very good place and I hope you'll "live" here for a good while. This site can be an invaluable tool to help you become free of alcohol!

And, best of all, if you can keep stringing together AF days, you will soon realize that your AF life is much better than drinking. Eventually you will realize that your are losing nothing and gaining everything!

Big hugs and welcome,
Choochie

[mollyka]

Death by boredom

Thanks for letting us know how you are getting on Kaje. I reckon most of us spend quite a long time in the mindset you are in now. Like DG and Sheri and others say, the 100% attitude is not only necessary but it can be (it certainly was for me) a huge relief. No more 'maybe' or 'just today' or 'just a few' - just NO MORE. It is a progressive disease, it keeps getting worse and worse and harder to give up. Don't waste anymore of your life - I begrudge every minute of the nearly 40 years that I drank yuck!
It's not always easy - just so happens today I am having a rotten day - nothing major, just fed up, but unlike previous times I felt like this I KNOW alcohol would NOT improve my situation or my mood - and that's a great realisation. Keep in touch, and let us know how you are getting on
Molly

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Thanks so much to everyone for your insight and well wishes. I?m looking forward to getting to know all of you also!

I am at the stage many of you have described as a type of ?bargaining/anxiety/questioning if I?m really ?that bad?. I already know the answer, but I?m pretty terrified of who I?ll be without alcohol in my life! I?ve never known any different excepting the year I was pregnant with my daughter. It feels surreal and unattainable to aim for true sobriety.

I am pretty broke this weekend, spent the last of our money on food from the market so I have no easily available option to buy alcohol (I don?t keep it in the house as when I do have it I drink it all ? that?s why I?ve never had a home bar!).

Guitarista posted a link to the tool box in the commitment to a week AF thread I joined and there was a particular post in there that has been helping a lot: riding the waves of cravings.

I had a wicked craving about an hour ago that actually had me in tears, the frustration and WANT was so bad. I read the tool box thread and the post about riding the wave and knowing it WILL end was just what I needed. Still have a knot the size of the ocean in my stomach, but I can see it for what it is and it?s just my anxiety and my muddled head playing tricks on me.

I have been thinking back to my last major binge (two and a half bottles of red) and the patchy memories of the night. Falling over and hitting my head, riding the porcelain bus for a few hours, waking up and being so glad my daughter was asleep for the worst of it - but scared I could allow things to get that out of hand and not stop drinking more and more, hoping I hadn?t called/emailed anyone in that state and trying to piece things together wracked with guilt and anxiety? then living with a body that felt like hammered shit for the next few days.

That?s no way to live and just like many of you, when I ask myself ?Am I really that bad? if I want to be totally honest with myself, I think I can safely answer YES.

I need to adopt this 100% attitude many of you have mentioned. It sounds so much easier than the internal struggle. Just don?t know how to get there right now as my social life is dead as the result of having moved to a new city and adopting the habit of staying in and drinking, making excuses not to meet people, not keeping track of old friends. Unfortunately getting out and meeting people involves drinking for the most part and I?d only meet more people that would exacerbate my already awful habits. I can?t see this getting any easier.



Sorry for the downer, felling really blue and not seeing the positives right now.

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Was just reading the article Sheri posted from Spiritual River and found the following which some may find useful: 6 Things that a Recovering Alcoholic Needs to Learn in Order to Stay Sober

[Kimberley]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje,
I didn't see this thread when you first posted it but it has caught my attention now. Some of the things you have said are more than familiar, especially some of the stages you are going through - and I feel I want to reply and encourage you. I have only had 3 hours sleep so I don't think my words would come out as potentially useful as I'd like so maybe I'll save my 'insight' for a bit later.

For now I just want you to know that you're not alone and some of the horribly frustrating and upsetting elements of this that you are going through will get much easier - even though you might not believe it now.

All the best for now - I'm off back to bed for a bit!
K x

[Choochie]

Death by boredom

Kaje,

I just wanted to chime in here in the hopes that I might be able to help. I'm really new at this - 26 days AF for me today. I have had these exact same feelings you're describing. I've been drinking since I was 14 and would have to say that I've finally become a problem drinker, alcoholic, whatever the term. For the last solid 5 years I would say that I absolutely could not even entertain the idea of not drinking. It was as much a part of me as any other single thing in my life. But, of course, I was experiencing the painful after effects of all my "fun" in the form of very poor sleep quality and feeling like a zombie in my waking hours because of the two-fold whammie of no sleep and residual alcohol in my system. But until I got to I guess what was my bottom (it wasn't nearly as dramatic as some describe but was certainly bad), I just told myself that I would really prefer even dying 10 years earlier if that's what it meant to have alchohol in my life. If I skipped a day of drinking occasionally, it was like my life turned to black and white and all the color drained out of it.

But, finally, after endlessly struggling with the vicious cycle of getting toasted, not sleeping, being hung over day in and day out, I bottomed out. I also had two incidents fairly close together that helped push me over the edge. First, because I couldn't sleep from the alcohol, I would take a very small dose of an antidepressant. One night the combo of that pill and the alcohol had a potentially really frightening result. I woke up on my bathroom floor - had obviously gotten up in the middle of the night to pee, missed the commode and was flat on my back. This all happened within seconds. I won't go into the other details, but suffice it to say "I had lost control." I was sore all in my back and ankle area from the fall which really scared me. I thought, shit, what if I've just set myself up for daily pain/problems for the rest of my life? Then, one more episode after that: we had friends in from out of town and got really drunk two nights in a row. I didn't think I was going to have to work either "day after" but something came up and I was asked to do a project. My brain was so fried that I absolutely could not concentrate. I had to redo everything I worked on. Luckily I ended up having the time to edit the work. It was so bad, though, that struggle.

So, that weekend ended up being my last drink. I found MWO the next day, and have virtually lived on this website. I read everything I possibly can, I go to the chat room when I can, and I post whenever I have something to say - even if it's something little. The connection to people here has made the difference for me. I had tried to quit a couple of times and had tried to moderate on other occasions too. I would back off my drinking from time to time and be able to limit myself to 2 drinks. But, eventually, I always got back up to more -- too many to not have interrupted sleep, and then the cycle would start again. Interestingly, what I know now makes me realize that even the smallest amount of alcohol was compromising the quality of my sleep.

I didn't mean to write a novel here - just kinda got going. I can just hear and feel what you're going through. I can sense that you cannot imagine your life without alcohol because it's as big a part of you as it was for me (and I'm sure everyone else here). But, I want you to know that it can be different.

The people on meds here talk about "hitting the switch" which from what I can gather means suddenly your craving for alcohol is gone. I didn't do meds, so I do still have some cravings, but they are lessening. I take L-Glutamine, drink lots of water with lemon, and eat more than I did when drinking. I think the food cravings will subside some too - have been told that the first month is pretty bad for food cravings but tht it gets better.

I can't remember if you've talked about having purchased the MWO book, but from what others say, it is a big help. I just got mine and have started reading it. However, before that (on my own) I read many, many books on drinking - everything from moderation books to "you're kidding yourself if you think you can moderate" books. One thing to keep in mind, though about the MWO book. It is geared toward moderating. I know I can't moderate but want to read the book anyway. I feel like to understand the big picture of MWO, I have to read the book even if I already know I have to completely abstain from drinking. I know others who are AF who said that the book got them off to a good start.

So, you could educate yourself on the meds and try that route - many people here seem to be having success with them. I've read others who say the side effects are problematic for them. There is a thread about the meds so you could read about that (front page of site). Or, you could go cold turkey and possibly supplement with vitamins, etc. There's lots of information on the site about the holistic approach too.

OK, I really am going to shut up now. I hope that something I've written (or that someone else has) that will help you start thinking about the transformation that can occur if you can give up alcohol. For me, I now feel like I have lost nothing and gained everything (my definition of "the switch" for someone who went cold turkey).

Just know that I and others are here to help in any way we can.

Sending you peace and strength,
Choochie:l

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Hi Kimberly, Choochie and Sheri,

I really appreciate your posts - such brilliant advice and I am so grateful for you sharing your stories with me.

Choochie I have not bought the book or supps but am considering doing so. I think I need to get my head together first and I'm not a fan of medication as I was on Zoloft for 8 months and it sent me completely loopy. A very dark time indeed. I'm wary of any meds as a result but may consider the herbal supps after I read up some more on them. Thanks for sharing your experience and the zombie state of poor sleep and hangover has become a staple for me that I'd certainly be glad to see an end to.

Sheri your list of truths is amazing and definitely something I need to do myself. I will re-read it in a less manic/panic state and set to making my own list, and you are so right about the fear of failure and the inability to see what COULD be without alcohol. I'm right in that at the moment and it's sure is doing my head in.

thoughts are all over the place right now: headache, aggravated beyond belief, bursting into tears at the drop of a hat - physically, emotionally and mentally drained. A right messy state to be in.

I had two glasses of wine out at dinner last night and immediately felt like a failure. I don't feel I'm ready for the 100% yet, I can't imagine never drinking again, even the thought of going a month AF frightens the hell out of me. Excuses, excuses.

Currently it seems I have two choices (dilemmas):

1. Attempt to mod my drinking over the next month and see how I go. I've tried before and failed dismally. I also can't really see the point in having only one or two drinks as that won't even get a slight buzz on for me. I drink for the buzz, not for the taste! I'm sure to end up talking myself into buying a bottle, then two, then...

2. Aim for a full month without ANY alcohol. I've had nothing to drink today (1st Nov), no drugs except caffeine and a few aspirin for my pounding head. I feel I'll be setting myself up for failure aiming for a whole month. Again, excuses? I have this fear that I'll talk myself into a binge at some stage as going flat out cold turkey has never worked for me (longest I've lasted is 6 days other than pregnancy).

Don't know what to do and have a huge couple of months (busiest time of the year) coming up at my work. I need to be on top of things in a major way and today was a complete write-off. I couldn't concentrate and lost my cool very easily over minor things on two occasions. I have a senior position in a large company which means a lot of responsibility with a hell of a lot of people relying on me to do the right thing consistently. I don't have any time off coming up until Xmas so can't go on a break to get this all under control. I'd laugh at the craziness of this ridiculous situation if it didn't make me so sad!

Apologies - in a bit of a trapped mental state and feeling super selfish with all this "I" and "me" talk I'm carrying on with. I think it's time to put this day to bed.

:upset: