Death by boredom

[Choochie]

Death by boredom

Kaje, I so feel your pain. Please don't worry about the I/Me. That's where you have to be right now - it's a process. I so hope you can string some days or weeks together. If you can do that, you will start to reap the rewards. After that, you'll be reluctant to compromise your good feelings.

Every time I've been tempted and held out I was so thankful the next day.

Just know that we are here for you. If you need to PM some veterans, I know that Sheri and Doggy Girl would be glad to help you. They are wonderful and always available for others.

I'm kind of new (28 days AF today) so I'm not real up on how to guide someone. Just really thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Hugs,
Choochie:l

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Thanks Choochie. A huge congrats on your 28 days! What an achievement and you must be so proud. How have you done it? How to avoid the crazy-headedness and get past the initial one week hurdle? :h

I'm failing dismally at all this: went out for dinner and had three glasses of wine, then proceeded to lose the plot. Have not had a cigarette for 5 days and the urge for one was overwhelming, I had to get away from my daughter and literally walk in the opposite direction home as my frustration was absolutely insane. Out of nowhere, irrational, seething and desperate for a ciggy! I felt like I was 14 again!

This is all doing my head in at a time when I can't afford to be out of whack. Can't sleep, can't concentrate, but my design output at work is fucking fabulous right now - so what gives? Tortured artist syndrome? Blah... I hate this.

It's payday tomorrow and I'm already arguing with myself over buying alcohol and cigarettes, or maybe just cigarettes, or maybe sleeping pills to knock me out of a night to avoid the issue all together, or maybe just one bottle of wine, or maybe... whine, whine... wine.

Maybe I should come back here when I have myself better sorted. I'm reading around and it seems most folks have their shit together in one way or another. It's pretty embarrassing to be flailing about like such a mess and having heated arguments about addiction in my head for all to see. New to all this and utterly terrified of what is going on, what a mess.

[Choochie]

Death by boredom

Kaje - I wouldn't wait until you "have your shit together" to come back. If you just need a break, I understand that - have seen several people do that lately. But, if you think about it, we come here to try to keep our shit together. Every single one of us has experienced what your going through - the absolute torture of constantly trying to figure out how much we can drink because we desperately want to be able not to have to give it up totally. Remember, none of us really thinks we have our shit together at all. Or, if we do, we know it is a tenuous position at best. I see people who have long sober periods relapse and then come back. Unfortunately it may just be that we have to fight the beast forever. I do know of people, though, who after a good bit of time finally get away from obsessively thinking about al. So, that's what I'm holding out for. I just want it to be a non-issue in my life. To me, it's worth a try.

For years I tried different combinations of things - different types of alcohol, etc. Bottom line, though, is that I always got back up to an amount that ruined my sleep and my next day until at least noon - and often beyond. My sleep now is incredible and is the single most compelling issue that keeps me from drinking. I don't want to start the craving up again and have to start over. I don't want to ever have a bad night's sleep again and from what I've experienced sober so far, it looks like I won't have to -- a completely different world. My husband can't believe it. Every day we used to talk about my sleep problems - every day! Now I sleep better than my husband (who is a good sleeper).

I just finally decided that the struggle was an enormous fucking hassle, torture - so what could be worse? Now that I have 29 days (yea), my whole attitude has changed. Now being sober seems like a gift rather than deprivation.

I hope you'll keep trying because it is so worth it. I never understood until now how much better life can be. Yes, I have times where I really crave alcohol. I either eat something (usually sweet) or force myself to go do something to get my mind off it. I read voraciously which helps me too.

I hear you too about how difficult hangovers make work - you may be in a creative mode, but I would bet that you can get there sober too. I've heard many artists say that they used to think they had to be high to create but after getting sober went on to still be very creative!

Sending you peace and strength,
Choochie

[lil.michelle]

Death by boredom

Hi hunni, i don't think you rambled at all! It was a good post which let us know about you and your issues. Thank you for being soo open to all of us. It's great that you want to be AL free. It'll be great for your daughter. The last thing you want is for your drinking to rub off on her and hopefully you've still got time to change it so she doesn't think drinking is acceptable.

One thing that i have realised recently with my drinking is that i drink because of my depression, as a realease which it IS NOT and it acctually makes depression a lot worse as AL is a depressive.

Are you open to suggestions on getting help? for both your depression and AL abuse? I would suggest Antabuse to get you on the sober path FAST. You can not do drugs or drink on it without being VERY ill and you could even be hospitalised if you do. By taking these, hopefully, your depression will start to ease up a bit as you'll not be adding the depressive to it. Maybe taking it until you have a hold on your depression and feel slightly more in control....

[TrappedDad]

Death by boredom

Kaje, I am in the same position as you. I am 38, I have drank since i was young, I have children, I am an executive at a software company, and I too wonder why I can't just drink normally like the rest of the world. The only difference between you and I is that I am a father, and I have only ever had 1 AF day in over 20 years. I am still battling. I am still crying. I am still screaming. I am still coming onto this forum at work, at home, in my car via my iPhone, and posting, posting every stupid little feeling in hopes that one day I will have the strength to beat this demon strapped to my back.

One of the things you said that caught my attention was that you felt you needed to "figure it out first". Girlfriend, the exact opposite is true. The only thing you need to do right now is learn how to type faster and more often!!!!!!!

Let these people help you drive the bus! In your state, and in mine, we can't do this without them. Keep posting, keep fighting and when all else fails, keep posting and keep fighting!!!

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Hi guys and THANK YOU so much for giving a shit to reply. Wow.

TrappedDad - far out - why didn't I come back sooner? I've been through a world of hurt this past month and I'm so amazed that you called me on my shit, straight up. I wasn't checking in to see it, but if you are around, please - feel free to do it again.

Sorry I haven't checked back in - took a while and a blood result with elevated liver enzymes to freak me into action.

I think I'm ready for a good stint without this poisonous shite in my life.

Where do I start? Yes, the toolbox is great and I sussed that earlier - I mean... WHERE do I really start to get on the kick? I've kicked weed, codeine, speed, coke... surely I can do this. The simpler things are always the killer. I think I'm underestimating the power of the bottle.

[madmans]

Death by boredom

hi Kaje you start by taking it ODAT, and keep going . this is a great site with a lot of good people ready to help, i'm not long here myself but by reading and posting have made it 26 days.

[kaje]

Death by boredom

madmans - congrats on your 26 days!

I'm very much into the idea of ODAT as I think that is more realistic for me. I don't want to aim for the moon and shoot at the stars.

Thanks for the pep-up!

[sapphire1]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje,

Good for you for getting back here. Elevated liver enzymes are pretty scary business. Two years ago , mine were through the roof and my doctor was thinking that is I continued drinking at all, I could end up with a transplant. I have been al free since 21st July (except for one binge)and my readings are back to normal. I have adopted a very rigorous vitamin and other supps regime and a strict diet. Got rid of all stimulants 0coffee, diet coke and sugar) and concentrated on bringing my poor injured body back to health. You mentioned anxiety/depression issues. Years of al abuse really stuffs up of biochemical status. We become deficient in just about every vitamin, mineral, amino acid that there is. I have followed a very comphrensive diet and supplement plan from the book 'Seven weeks to Sobriety'....by Dr. Joan Larson. You can buy it at most major bookshops. The basis of the plan is to repair the damage with a tailor made plan and mega doses of vitamins. Who would have thought that the humble Vitamin C in doses of up to 15,000.00 would absolutely obliterate anxiety/depression. I havent felt this well physically, emotionally and mentally for over 20 years. I am so releived, grateful and astounded that I am sober and loving every second of my life. I take no prescription drugs although for a while I took Antabuse to get me a few months free. I still have a bottle on standby and will use it without hesitation if my brain decides to threaten and sabotage my sober life. I have a little trick that I will share with you for when the cravings become unbearable.......drink about 1litre of water fairly quickly...it seems to switch off that knot in the gut craving immediatley and gives you some relief fast...worth a try and harmless to boot. This journey is worth persevering with.....life is much more than endless craving, hangovers, guilt, shame, remorse, sadness, depressions, anxiety, madness etc. etc. Al has a massive hand in producing all of these conditions...take it away for long enough and you will really see that it is true. Love, strength and grace, Saff

[sapphire1]

Death by boredom

Another supplement that I find fabulous for cravings is L--Glutamine. It also clears the foggy head, sharpens up the thinking and the memory and calms down the manic thinking. Marvellous stuff!!!!!!

[gyco]

Death by boredom

hi kaje ? it is not about putting you in your spot,alchoholism is not the lesser of many evils,like you ,i to have battled this for many years,[40],it never stops,i never stop,im not stopped,but i can stop ,any time i want to,but you have to want to stop,it is about staying stopped which is the difficult thing to do,and theres the FOREVER thing that plagues many,just read the articles here,you battle the booze and drugs,and then when you stop,your battling sobriety,,many cant srop and DIE,we ve had a few here,as dad said,when it bites you,it will bite you,again i wish you well gyco welcom back

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Saff - thanks for your incredibly informative post. I do eat well but I could defo do with a more 'liver' orientated diet. I've been Googling and have found a treasure trove of info on the subject, so I'm going to stock up this week on shopping day.

I do drink water, but not nearly enough. I will up my water intake considerably. 2 litres sounds doable. I know when I have not drank in the past it's not unusual for me to get a good 4 litres in a day.

I have been reading that L Glutamine is good for those in recovery and I'll get some this weekend.

I need the knowledge of those that have been there and done that... and persevered. Thanks so much for this Saff. You're gold!

xoxo

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Gyco;1010990 wrote: hi kaje ? it is not about putting you in your spot,alchoholism is not the lesser of many evils,like you ,i to have battled this for many years,[40],it never stops,i never stop,im not stopped,but i can stop ,any time i want to,but you have to want to stop,it is about staying stopped which is the difficult thing to do,and theres the FOREVER thing that plagues many,just read the articles here,you battle the booze and drugs,and then when you stop,your battling sobriety,,many cant srop and DIE,we ve had a few here,as dad said,when it bites you,it will bite you,again i wish you well gyco welcom back

Thanks Gyco

I know it goes in circles. Have been on this merry-go-round for a while. I just need the help of people here to guide me to sobriety. I think I can do it. I want to do it. It does bite, and bite again, but I think this time I want to get off and work hard to stay off.

I will read all I can and work hard at it - i know I can do it. Best

[Peacefull]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje,

This is a real roller coaster of a journey. I went 5 years without AL and thought I could moderate and after a year of successful modding I went down that slippery slope and am back to square one. It is a bitch of an addiction, I am now dealing with the psychological part of the addiction which I don't think I really did last time.

There will be moments of absolute elation at the beginning ( Pink Cloud) then reality kicks you in the gut and the thought of never drinking again creeps into your mind. Again the spiral of bargaining with yourself starts, maybe I will only drink beer, maybe I will only allow myself 2, maybe this maybe that. I don't want 2 drinks - I don't know how to have 2 drinks - I want to escape my pain and not feel, but that will put the drinking cycle into motion again .

Keep coming here, this site has literally helped me make it to 90 days today and it is not always a walk in the park and it helps to hear the challenges along with the successes. Remind yourself why you are quitting, it makes it a bit easier.:l

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Peace! So funny you say that -

I'm reading Ant Kiedis (Red Hot Chilli Peppers) book Scar Tissue at the moment and he mentions such a similar scenario:

"when you've forgotten how bad it was and you don't have that pink-cloud sensation of being newly sober... there's a concept in recovery that says "half measures avail us nothing". When you have a disease, you can't take take half of the process of getting well and think you're going to get half well; you do half the process of getting well you're not going to get well at all, and you'll go back to where you came from. Without a thorough transformation, you're the same guy, and the same guy does the same shit."

I'm not gonna be that girl (guy).

Time for big change. I may fuck up along the way but I need to do this. My body gave me a warning and it's time to pull finger.

I will be using this site like mad - I'm grateful - so much info and such incredible people.