Death by boredom

[kaje]

Hi Everyone,

I've been dropping in here to read your threads, read your wisdom and do some research into alcoholism which has been a huge part of my life for the last 20 years. Today I viewed the "Rain In My Heart" documentary and I've gotta admit it blew my mind. I see myself in Mark (minus the self harm which I thankfully have never had a problem with) and Toni's admission of drinking through boredom and loneliness (I do this regularly) really struck me. How crazy to kill yourself in the name of boredom! I know for us all there is more to it than that, but it really hit me hard and made me think not only of fighting this disease, but also the many emotional associations I have with drinking.

I'm turning 35 in a month and something's got to give. I have a 13 year old daughter and she has always known me to be a drinker. We have had our many ups and downs over the years but our relationship is rock solid and truly beautiful. I honestly don't know how I've been so lucky in my life considering the booze and drug addictions I have carried for so long.

I don't want to ramble on too much so will give a list as insight into how I have come to be posting here today:

• started drinking at 14 and smoking pot
• added speed and various hallucinogens to my regular intake at 16
• steadily drank and smoked until 21 when I fell pregnant and quit everything outright for 12 months
• depression saw me placed on a multitude of anti-depressants that made matters worse and the drinking was light but smoked a lot of pot until age 25drinking intensified to up to 3 bottles of wine in one sitting- bingeing each few daysaddiction to codeine at 26 whilst still drinking heavily that wound me up in hospital with pneumoniaresumed drinking heavily and have done so since - I would binge (2+ bottles of wine) at least two to three times a week and drink at least a bottle a night

I have made a few inroads in the past few weeks. I have monitored my intake more and have been able to string 6 alcohol free days together consecutively (sleeping pills helped me to sleep at night but make me terribly bitchy and I become quite reliant on anything chemical). Over the last decade that is a record for me and probably sounds silly to be proud of that but it is a huge improvement.

Strung together three AF days this past week and drank a bottle of wine last night. It made me feel awful and today my anxiety levels are through the roof so i took a day off work *guilts*

I'm hoping to meet some people here who can help me get on track to be totally AF. I don't want to turn 35 and still be a boozehound.

Sorry, I did ramble on, didn't I? :thanks: if you took the time to read!

[tantangra]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje,
I like to just drop in here and read. I don't always post, just let the wisdom and support wash over me. I congratulate you on your 6 days AF. It's not easy. It is something to be proud of. Each tiny step forward is something to feel good about. You might have drunk a bottle last night but you didn't have three bottles this time, good for you. You will find people here who will help you while you get on the tracks and support you while you roll along them. I love a good ramble and the joy of this sit is you can go on and on and no one interrupts they all wait politely until you hit the Post reply button and then they tell you what they think. It's like having a conversation with a perfect freind.
By the way Kaje, how do you start a tthread of your own. Iv'e been coming here for almost a year now and have never really worked out how to do it. Any help is received gratefully.

Tant

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Thanks for the reply Tant. It feels kind of weird writing out the "drug history' for all to see. I think after having read posts here for a bit I've come to the conclusion that it's safe to post without feeling like everyone will pass judgement on my myriad bad habits!

To make a thread you use the New Thread button at the top left of the forum. It has a little icon of a note of paper and an inkwell.

Thanks again for your kind words

[Mish]

Death by boredom

You have come to the best place for help. kaje (love the username). I was drinking like you for a long time, then cut back to just the occassional fortnightly binge and maybe a bottle here and there, but "Rain In My Heart" and Mark in particular, made me pull my head out of the sand.
Best wishes here, and in your life journey
Mish

[mollyka]

Death by boredom

:welcome:Hi Kaje and:welcome: (Hi Tant - haven't seen you around for a while!). Like Tant says this is the best place in the world to air your thoughts and deeds - nothing you can say or do hasn't been experienced here by dozens before here! Good on you getting a handle on stuff before you're 35. I'm 54 and can honestly say I wasted 4 of the last 5 years of my life with booze. Also the fact that your daughter is 13, when she gets a bit older she might be less forgiving - when they hit mid-teens anything less than perfection in a parent is considered a battering tool:H It's good you've been reading over the site, it's great to get a handle on it before you start posting, it can be a bit bewildering at first! The newbies nest was a great comfort for me at the beginning - it needs a few newbies to put life back in it - some of the folks with a bit more time here pop in and out from time to time and will answer any questions you may have. Good luck with this and lovely to have you around
Molly

[mollyka]

Death by boredom

Hi Mishmash, cross post. That documentary hit me in the face at a very bad time in my life, it really does hit home doesn't it!
Molly

[Mish]

Death by boredom

Yes, Molly. Terrified me. Only consumed one bottle of wine since 26th Sept (in one go, of course!!!) since I saw it.
You're going really well, too, girl. Well done. XXXX

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Hey Mish,

Thanks for your reply. Yep, that doco sure hit home and was good food for thought. Mark drinking himself stupid to the point he was spending the day vomiting and shaking... I couldn't count the times I've been there. I also thought it was powerful that he said how he just wanted 'someone to notice how sick he is". I hate to see myself as some sort of attention grabber, but maybe the self-inflicted punishment of overdoing it consistently gave me some warped idea that someone should be worrying for and taking care of me. Doesn't work that way of course.

I've managed to be antisocial enough over the past 10 years to keep people at bay and drink without distraction of other adults. Only my daughter and Mother know I have problems with alc... and even then I hide the extra two bottles from my baby girl when I have a big night


Hiya Molly

You are so right about kids being so much less forgiving the older they get. I have had the "I've heard this story before Mum... Mum, you're drunk and not making sense... If you don't like feeling panicky Mum stop the drinking!" And really, why should she be forgiving of such blatantly self-destructive behaviour?

I had a scare when she was very late home one night recently. I warped myself into complete panic mode and the realisation dawned on me that my baby has never known me without drink being in my life. She has never known "me" without the influence of alcohol being just around the corner. It escalated my panic and made me so fearful that the person I love most has never been given a chance to enjoy me for any great length of time without booze being a part of the equation. Shameful.

Thanks so much for the welcome and Newbie Nest suggestion

[kaje]

Death by boredom

Hey Mish,

Thanks for your reply. Yep, that doco sure hit home and was good food for thought. Mark drinking himself stupid to the point he was spending the day vomiting and shaking... I couldn't count the times I've been there. I also thought it was powerful that he said how he just wanted 'someone to notice how sick he is". I hate to see myself as some sort of attention grabber, but maybe the self-inflicted punishment of overdoing it consistently gave me some warped idea that someone should be worrying for and taking care of me. Doesn't work that way of course.

I've managed to be antisocial enough over the past 10 years to keep people at bay and drink without the distraction of other adults. Only my daughter and Mother know I truly have problems with alc... and even then I hide the extra two bottles from my baby girl when I have a big night


Hiya Molly

You are so right about kids being so much less forgiving the older they get. I have had the "I've heard this story before Mum... Mum, you're drunk and not making sense... If you don't like feeling panicky Mum stop the drinking!" And really, why should she be forgiving of such blatantly self-destructive behaviour?

I had a scare when she was very late home one night recently. I warped myself into complete panic mode and the realisation dawned on me that my baby has never known me without drink being in my life. She has never known "me" without the influence of alcohol being just around the corner. It escalated my panic and made me so fearful that the person I love most has never been given a chance to enjoy me for any real length of time (like a weekend) without booze being a part of the equation. Shameful.

Thanks so much for the welcome and Newbie Nest suggestion

[K9Lover]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje and Welcome!
I can hear your love for your daughter coming through loud and clear in your posts. And I can so relate to you. I also have a 13 year old baby girl that is the love of my life. Since I've quit drinking, our bond has grown even stronger. Your daughter deserves to know her Mom sober. What better motivation could you ask for?
Please keep posting. I'm glad you're here, and I look forward to getting to know you! :h
K9

[Coco-Nut]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje - welcome!

I think you've made a GREAT start - 6 days AF in a row! You may think that doesn't sound like an accomplishment, but believe me everyone here knows just how tough it is, so congratulations! The broken sleep issue when I first started was definitely a huge problem for me - I finally got something prescribed, which I used for the first couple of weeks - it really helped.

Once again welcome - I think you will find this site extremely helpful!

:h

[Dewdrop]

Death by boredom

Evening Kaje & Welcome

You have come to the right place and will get loads of advice, and you have the added motivation of your daughter because you really don't want to mess up that relationship and that comes over strongly in your posts.

Good on you for getting some AF days under your belt on your own because it becomes easier with the support of people on this site. I've been Af 30 days now for the first time in 25+ years only because I joined MYO but I am still having problems with my sleep, I guess that might be something that's going to take a while to work out for me. It is much better but I've yet to sleep a whole night through.

Looking forward to getting to know you better.

Dewdrop :h

[choice]

Death by boredom

:welcome:

I think it just feels amazing to read and post. I didn't know how much I had bottled up in bottles.

I look forward to getting to know you.:l

[Mish]

Death by boredom

[QUOTE=kaje;965834]Hey Mish,
Mark drinking himself stupid to the point he was spending the day vomiting and shaking.... I also thought it was powerful that he said how he just wanted 'someone to notice how sick he is". I hate to see myself as some sort of attention grabber, but maybe the self-inflicted punishment of overdoing it consistently gave me some warped idea that someone should be worrying for and taking care of me. Doesn't work that way of course.

Wouldn't it be great if someone had noticed our plights and wanted to help instead of condemn? My self esteem was already at rock bottom and the last thing I needed was the "Talk to the hand," attitude I received. My daughter said that she had been thinking about an intervention for me. Hell, all I needed was an invitation and I'd have attended myself. I think Mark's anguished weeping got to me the most. Nobody ever saw me do that, as I was often on night shift and would get out of the work car and weep into the heavens. Strangled, tortured cries I hardly recognised as my own voice...
We're in the right place, kaje. No condemnation here. No "Whatever..." if you need to unburden.
I'm always here for you.
Mish :h

[tantangra]

Death by boredom

Hi Kaje and everyone,

There is so much wisdom and so much experience among he people I find here on My Way Out. I told my doctor at my last check up that I was off the grog for five months now and she was stunned. I showed her the book and told her about Topamax nine months ago and asked her to prescribe it for me. She wouldn't prescribe off label drugs for me so and I pleaded with her weeping in her office, "WHAT ELSE CAN I DO!"
Now I am giving her advice for her other patients about using this website, the book , the supplements and the hynotherapy. She was amazed thatI had been al free for five months.
It means a huge mindshift but it happens little by little. Cry as much as you want.
The shame has not dissapeared for me. Just posting on this site ain the first few months always brought tears of shame. Now I can handle that, talking honestly to my husband about the shame of being an alcoholic always causes me to cry. It's OK. It's natural, however nowadays It is closely accompanied by tears of pride that I am slowly overcoming this disease.
You are taking such a brave step. Keep strong.
Tant