I need to get this down because on Friday night I had the worst nightmare I have ever had, except it wasn't a nightmare it was real. Something that happened to me 11 years ago that I have thought about occasionally but as though it happened to someone else.
The reason I write this down is because for me this event symbolises everything that is bad about alcohol and the choices I have made due to alcohol.
I remeber the night so clearly now. I was with my good friend Mark at some council flat in London with some other guys, none of whom I really knew that well. I was drunk of course. Really drunk. There was one guy there who I was talking to and he asked me if I wanted to go back to his flat to take ecstacy and hang out. I said yes. Mark told me not to go but I was insistent. I had that determined, invincible feeling that only alcohol can give you.
There was no fear in my mind. As I said. I was invincible!
I remember sitting on his couch and even the music. It was an Everything But The Girl Album that I really love. I can no longer listen to that album without being reminded of that night. It has ruined the music for me. We talked, he was nice and I felt safe even though I really had no idea where I was. I remember him giving me the little white pill with my beer. Then nothing.
I come round and I am in a bed and he is on top of me. He is sweating. I feel scared but am so out of it I must go unconscious again. I come around again. God knows how much later and he is still on top of me. I feel so sick. I am being raped and there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot move. or speak. When I wake in the morning. He has his arms around me. I ask him why he did it. He asks me what I'm talking about. I leave feeling ashamed and dirty.
This is so vivid in my head now and I couldn't stop crying yesterday morning. I felt desperately sad and regretful. I want to go back and save that silly girl who made so many bad choices during her twenties. Who didn't look after herself and who had no self respect. I made a lot of bad choices because of alcohol. That was only one of them. I don't know if the demon is that man who took my choice away from me or alcohol who created a very bad situation.
I hope everyone understands why I had to share this. I feel extremely vulnerable rigt now.
ELx
On a positive note: 20 days AF
The reason I write this down is because for me this event symbolises everything that is bad about alcohol and the choices I have made due to alcohol.
I remeber the night so clearly now. I was with my good friend Mark at some council flat in London with some other guys, none of whom I really knew that well. I was drunk of course. Really drunk. There was one guy there who I was talking to and he asked me if I wanted to go back to his flat to take ecstacy and hang out. I said yes. Mark told me not to go but I was insistent. I had that determined, invincible feeling that only alcohol can give you.
There was no fear in my mind. As I said. I was invincible!
I remember sitting on his couch and even the music. It was an Everything But The Girl Album that I really love. I can no longer listen to that album without being reminded of that night. It has ruined the music for me. We talked, he was nice and I felt safe even though I really had no idea where I was. I remember him giving me the little white pill with my beer. Then nothing.
I come round and I am in a bed and he is on top of me. He is sweating. I feel scared but am so out of it I must go unconscious again. I come around again. God knows how much later and he is still on top of me. I feel so sick. I am being raped and there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot move. or speak. When I wake in the morning. He has his arms around me. I ask him why he did it. He asks me what I'm talking about. I leave feeling ashamed and dirty.
This is so vivid in my head now and I couldn't stop crying yesterday morning. I felt desperately sad and regretful. I want to go back and save that silly girl who made so many bad choices during her twenties. Who didn't look after herself and who had no self respect. I made a lot of bad choices because of alcohol. That was only one of them. I don't know if the demon is that man who took my choice away from me or alcohol who created a very bad situation.
I hope everyone understands why I had to share this. I feel extremely vulnerable rigt now.
ELx
On a positive note: 20 days AF
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