Here goes... Until 36 hrs ago I have never had a violent episode from drinking. I have never thought I had a drinking problem before this. I need to step back and take a good long look at my habits.
College was the typical binge drinking. My first marriage was with someone who drank everyday and liked to party and in the beginning I did too. Within the first 2 yrs of our marrigae he got 2 DUI's and I started marriage counseling because the drinking was becoming a problem between us. He didnt want to change his ways so I eventually left.
I still continued to drink socially and again did the occasional binge drinking. Met my 2nd husband who in 11 yrs only ever saw him drink excessively two times. Alcohol and drugs were just never part of his life. We got into wine and would have a glass or two with dinner. At parties or social functions I would have more. Only once in 11 yrs did I lose control of my emotions and it was with jealousy. For other reasons this marriage ended.
Then I immediately met the man Ive been living with for 2.5 years. This is where the real story begins.
All my life I have dealt with insecurity issues concerning my looks, body and not feeling like #1. Typical older sister growing up was always viewed the beauty while I was told I was the ugly duckling who eventually became the swan. Boyfriends cheating on me, all the normal stuff that happens while growing up. The man in my life now has never cheated on me and started out loving me with all his heart. I was his high school crush and we crossed paths after 25 yrs. I fell head over heals in love with him and as he says, has loved me all his life. The one that all others were compared. The only part that didnt work for me was that he had been single all this time and has quite the past with women. Even has 2 children with 2 different women. I didn't pass judgement. I had an abortion after college, that was my choice. His was quite honest and today feels he should have kept some things to himself. Maybe. His past and my insecurities became an issue almost immediately. Then we have to throw in the discovery of porn on the computer and now i have a constant storm inside myself.
This is finally where the drinking doesnt mix. I could have total control over those insecurities until the glasses or bottle of wine come into play. Every time I drank more than 2 glasses and something related to this topic came up I would lose control. Get mad at him, yell at him, beg for reassurance of his love. Our good times the best ever in my life with any man, our lows the worst feeling in the world. They don't make me very proud and and from every episode I tried to learn from it. I realized the wine didnt help so I would put ice in to dilute and try to limit to 2 glasses. For some time I've been working on my insecurities and have made lots of progress. But still when I've had too much to drink they sneak back to the surface. So 36 hrs ago I was having one of the best days with him until the evening ended up involving way more alcohol than planned. At the end of the evening I lost control in an instant. I mixed alcohols, didn't eat very much and got bothered by something stupid. He also had too much to drink and it turned into the worst night of my life! I tried to stop him from leaving and grabbed his arm, we fell down the stairs and I hit my head. It then turned into quite the yelling session full of mean, very hurtful comments. He threatened to call the cops to settle me down but I wouldn't stop. In this state of mind I don't know just to get out of his face. I followed him and tried shoving him. He did call the cops so he could leave peacefully. I don't blame him at all for doing this. The saddest thing is that I couldn't remember much of this the next day. Not sure if I've ever been this scared before. Frightened of my behavior and that I lost this man for good. I have never ever been violent in my life. My closest friends are shocked. Just not in my nature to be mean or hurtful. So I ask? Is this a drinking problem, an emotional problem or the bad mix of both...
College was the typical binge drinking. My first marriage was with someone who drank everyday and liked to party and in the beginning I did too. Within the first 2 yrs of our marrigae he got 2 DUI's and I started marriage counseling because the drinking was becoming a problem between us. He didnt want to change his ways so I eventually left.
I still continued to drink socially and again did the occasional binge drinking. Met my 2nd husband who in 11 yrs only ever saw him drink excessively two times. Alcohol and drugs were just never part of his life. We got into wine and would have a glass or two with dinner. At parties or social functions I would have more. Only once in 11 yrs did I lose control of my emotions and it was with jealousy. For other reasons this marriage ended.
Then I immediately met the man Ive been living with for 2.5 years. This is where the real story begins.
All my life I have dealt with insecurity issues concerning my looks, body and not feeling like #1. Typical older sister growing up was always viewed the beauty while I was told I was the ugly duckling who eventually became the swan. Boyfriends cheating on me, all the normal stuff that happens while growing up. The man in my life now has never cheated on me and started out loving me with all his heart. I was his high school crush and we crossed paths after 25 yrs. I fell head over heals in love with him and as he says, has loved me all his life. The one that all others were compared. The only part that didnt work for me was that he had been single all this time and has quite the past with women. Even has 2 children with 2 different women. I didn't pass judgement. I had an abortion after college, that was my choice. His was quite honest and today feels he should have kept some things to himself. Maybe. His past and my insecurities became an issue almost immediately. Then we have to throw in the discovery of porn on the computer and now i have a constant storm inside myself.
This is finally where the drinking doesnt mix. I could have total control over those insecurities until the glasses or bottle of wine come into play. Every time I drank more than 2 glasses and something related to this topic came up I would lose control. Get mad at him, yell at him, beg for reassurance of his love. Our good times the best ever in my life with any man, our lows the worst feeling in the world. They don't make me very proud and and from every episode I tried to learn from it. I realized the wine didnt help so I would put ice in to dilute and try to limit to 2 glasses. For some time I've been working on my insecurities and have made lots of progress. But still when I've had too much to drink they sneak back to the surface. So 36 hrs ago I was having one of the best days with him until the evening ended up involving way more alcohol than planned. At the end of the evening I lost control in an instant. I mixed alcohols, didn't eat very much and got bothered by something stupid. He also had too much to drink and it turned into the worst night of my life! I tried to stop him from leaving and grabbed his arm, we fell down the stairs and I hit my head. It then turned into quite the yelling session full of mean, very hurtful comments. He threatened to call the cops to settle me down but I wouldn't stop. In this state of mind I don't know just to get out of his face. I followed him and tried shoving him. He did call the cops so he could leave peacefully. I don't blame him at all for doing this. The saddest thing is that I couldn't remember much of this the next day. Not sure if I've ever been this scared before. Frightened of my behavior and that I lost this man for good. I have never ever been violent in my life. My closest friends are shocked. Just not in my nature to be mean or hurtful. So I ask? Is this a drinking problem, an emotional problem or the bad mix of both...
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