Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Well shortly after I posted my last entry he told me I have 3 wks to find a place to live. We can fake it well this week for his daughter's sake. Told me he wasn't drunk. yes had maybe 6 beers but not drunk. The name calling was because I put a pillow, phone charger etc. in the rec rm for him. Thought I was telling him to sleep on the couch while I stayed in our bed. I have stayed in our bedrm and not gotten in his way because he didnt want to see me. Thought I was being nice to place those things out for him. I pray this is the hardest part. Funny, every time there has been a big event in my life, last thing I want to do is drink. I actually have no desire for wine or anything else. Just so sad...

[Mish]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

soulsearcher, I'm so sorry this isn't going to work out how you would have liked. I have a feeling this guy is going to end up the loser in this relationship though, as you sound absolutely wonderful.
Seize this opportunity to find your own place and start working seriously on you. You're in an amazing position to be able to focus entirely on getting AF without any distractions. Go for the brass ring, sweetie, and think on this as the chance of a lifetime to get well without anyone else's needs to try and meet. Sounds like you're still in the early stages of alcoholism, so if you can get a grip on this now...wow!!! Everyone on this site would love to have the opportunities that are before you. Conquer the beast now and watch a joyful life unfold.
You will attract the right sort of man when you're AF, confident and glowing with self-esteem. Your ex will still be a jerk and a loser. I'm at that point with my ex and it's the ultimate victory. He knows what he's lost and I wouldn't take him back and live in disfunction again if you offered me all the riches of the world.
Following your story with love and hope.
:h Mish :h

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

thanks Mishmash for all your kind and caring words. Made it through the day and no wine! My boss took me out to talk after work and it was odd to be sitting at a bar and not having a glass of wine. Cranberry and club I guess is my new cocktail. To make this short my head is spinning and not sure what to think. My fiance"s good friend contacted me today and asked if I was willing to talk to him about starting AA. He is recovering and thought that the 12 steps would be a great place to start. I told him about this program but he seems to think the meetings and a sponsor are crucial in the beginning. He also told me that the 12 steps can benefit anyone not just alcoholics. He went on to explain classifications of alcoholism. I have to admit I feel awkward going and attending but Im willing to give it a try. He talked with my fiance at length today and without promises said he was willing to try and work through this with me. His #1 concern is his daughter. Doesn't want her to be raised in a dysfunctional setting witnessing fights. I get that but I said in time I hope that he will follow suit and also join to evaluate his drinking habits. Not sure how to feel. Part of me doesnt want to jump through hoops for anyone yet I know much of our issues stem from my inability to control jealousy and insecurities when I drink. I think I need to maintain the mindset that this is for me. If he is there at the end fabulous, if not ill be better than before and eventually find that person to share my life with. Off to bed I'm mentally exhausted....

[Mish]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Wow, Girl...Great attitude. Many here do AA as well. You can do AA online...someone will help you find the link, I'm sure. The thing is, we do whatever it takes to get AF. You really don't have any responsibility to anyone at this moment in time, except yourself. Carpe diem.
You can't be right for somebody else if you're not right for you.
:h Mish :h

[Doggygirl]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Hi Soulsearcher. I started with My Way Out but MWO alone didn't get me personally where I wanted to go in sobriety. I started AA (in person locally) a bit over 1.5 years ago and it has really changed my life for the better. I am not only healing emotionally and spiritually, but am learning great tools that help me in all areas of life - not just the "not drinking" part. If you are so inclined, I highly encourage it. I got over my fear of "seeing someone I know" (we are all there for the same reason) and now gladly go and connect in person with others like me. If you do it, do it for you.

We can't control what other people do (or think or whatever) but we can learn to control our reactions to it. And we can learn that alcohol serves no useful purpose in our relationships and lives.

Strength and hope,

DG

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Well much has changed since last that i posted. I went and spent time with my fiances' friend and learned more about the 12 step program. Im definitely going to give it a try especially since it focuses on living a clean life in all areas. He made me hopeful that becoming AF would probably be the easy part for me, he not so sure about the emotional issues lying within.

I was surprised and relieved to hear him say that he truly believes it takes two to create an unhealthy relationship. Knowing my fiance since childhood, he wanted to be honest and say he's not so sure our personalities are the best match. Our communication styles are very different. Im sensitive and have a tender heart, speak to me gently. He is direct, no nonsense and brutally honest. Many times coming off as cold and insensitive. This friend believes that I do have difficulty controlling those insecurities when I drink but my fiance has to accept some responsibility in stirring the pot. He also warned me that he has been a loner all his life and has real commitment issues. When things get complicated its easier for him to just leave. The worst thing I could do is press him on issues and talk it to death. But that is exactly what I would do. I'm a talker.

My fiance told him I turned out not to be the girl he thought I was. Well he held me on a pedestal since high school without knowing who I was as a person. He fell in love with my looks and who he THOUGHT I was. Sorry to disappoint but thats not my fault... Sorry I developed insecurities and they all came to the surface with knowing his past. I did my best to manage them. Learned a little too late that I shouldnt be drinking with so much uneasiness within myself.

Needless to say when I returned home he told me I was misinformed about trying to work through this and I am a loose cannon that he doesnt want in his life anymore. Wow. hurtful. He also said it will take years for me to ever heal and that it will take a man with a lot of strength to ever love me. He just has no more time in his life for me. It was one too many reactive nights after drinking and this one became physical. Will always love me but he should have never gotten involved with me. So if I want I can blame this all on him.

Funny, we went to dinner with his daughter and actually laughed and had some fun but I sat there knowing that this will never be again. I watched him drink 5 beers and then drive too fast home in a heavy downpour. It hit me again, he won't change but I can, I will come out the stronger person. I will keep hoping that I will find that person some day who will find it easy and enjoyable to reassure me and love me for who I am flaws and all!!!! Exhausted. Needed to get that off my chest.

Oh yes, he not letting me say goodbye to his daughter after 2.5 yrs and he is telling her Im moving to the south. ??? are u serious? How about teaching her that sometimes people just need to go their separate ways and can still love each other very much. Tell her we will stay close friends... it eventually will just fade.

[Mish]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Soulsearcher, you sound so very lovely inside and out that I shouldn't think the "right" man will have the slightest problem in loving you.
You have an amazinly mature attitude, and I have to share my favourite definition of "A Jerk" with you.
A Jerk: A Jerk is someone who teaches you something you wouldn't have learned otherwise.
Keep working on yourself, and when you are AF and confident (you have every reason to be from what you've shared) in how strong and phemomenal you are, you will attract real men. You have learned (from 'the jerk') that even someone you liked/loved/respected turned out to be shallow and ungiving. He was also unable to be honest with his daughter or, I suggest, even himself.. You won't fall for someone like that again.
:thanks: to the jerks who have taught us well which mistakes never to repeat.
Great going, and keep it up.
:h Mish :h

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Wow Mishmash! You just put the biggest smile on my face and made me laugh. How long has it been since I did that?

Even though my heart is breaking and the tears keep flowing, I know this was probably never meant to last a lifetime. It did start out as the makings of the perfect love story. All who heard it thought it should be a movie. The stars had to have been aligned for our paths to cross and he walk into my life. It happened at a time when I felt my soul had gone to sleep. There is no denying our chemistry or the fact that he brought me back to life.

What I wasn't willing to admit was that most of his personal life choices just didn't fit into my value system. I didn't sit in judgement but I was never at ease with those choices.

They brought all that was broken inside me to the surface. Had I been whole maybe just maybe this could have worked. I try and be fair and realize that much of what he is saying and doing is out of frustration and pain. He may have started out loving me unconditionally but did that allow for flaws and all....

A part of my heart will always love him, for in the beginning, he made me feel beautiful and amazing. I now need to learn that I always have been and that I don't need the love and attention of a man to make me feel that way. Stop allowing others to determine my selfworth. I have to learn to love myself at all times. This is something that he actually did try telling me. What's broken inside me no one else can fix.

I have to believe that all things happen for a reason and that all people come in and out of your life with a purpose.

Think I can pretty much figure this one out.... Its time to FINALLY work on me and fill myself up with love.....

Thanks again. Your words are so kind...

[Mish]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

I am honoured and humbled by your expressions. :blushing:
I had a love story with a major Jerk. That was the problem...it was a story that my brain thought was real. But I do understand how your 'loss' is very painful right now. You're articulate, intelligent, sweet and vulnerable (for the moment), so you can pick and choose when you're AF and well. Keep up the good work.
:h Mish :h

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Mishmash, To know that others have traveled down the same road brings comfort.... hoping for a peaceful day. The search for a new home starts tomorrow. New beginnings....

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Not so sure if I can remain on this site.... My to be ex-fiance just read this thread and confronted me that he is having a poorly painted picture of himself portrayed by me. How do I feel right now? You can't imagine. My safe place to share, reflect, vent, seek advice and find some comfort has just been destroyed.... Needless to say this is another confirmation as to why it didn't work! I guess I was suppose to have included every detail of every fight and do more than just admit I created most of the situations due to my insecurities especially with drinking. I guess it wasn't enough in my opening post to state that it was my fault. He can say what he wants, think as he wants, but no I will not accept TOTAL blame for the demise of this relationship... any one wanting to help me through this one please do. Either publicly or privately....

Thanks!

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

You are still allowing this fellow to "script" you as the outlaw here but each of you know what happened and why. You were both under the influence of a substance which reduces inhibitions. You each have said and done things you regret and would have done differently had you been sober. There isn't a "balance sheet" that sums it up and allots blame "fairly" and love and life must be lived forward letting go of the blame for yourself and for others. You don't owe him anything more than an apology and a quick and as graceful exit as you can manage. You will be fine and healthy if you can stop drinking to excess or at all. You may or may not be more lovable by others but you WILL love yourself and have your dignity and self agency back. It is only from there that a mature relationship can bloom anyway.
These boards are anonymous so his "reputation" among us is not important to us, you or him or even to the situation. You have asked for help. We are sharing our strengths and ideas. and trying to help you put this whole matter into a perspective.
Get yourself to a safe and private place where you can post here in privacy. Focus on yourself for now. Good luck and keep posting even if he "objects" and wants you to edit.
He can tell his own story. You can tell yours.
Best of All
Sunny

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Sunnyvalenting, your words of support are always inspiring. You're correct in that he can tell his own story.
Thought I was being fair and revealed all my ugliness. Regardless how many times my jealousies and insecurities came into play there was almost always the presence of alcohol involved. Isn't that the biggest truth to tell. I'm sure that all who are reading my posts understand what kind of ugly scenes can occur with that volatile mix of alcohol and jealousy. He was loving and supportive in the beginning and I acknowledged that to him numerous times. He gave me so many times to settle down and trust his love. I know he felt beat up and I caused hurt and pain, I know I need to make amends for what I did. I know I ruined his fairy tale ending as well but somewhere along the line other factors on his part came into play that were not helping me overcome my issues and our issues.

You're right, this script has to stop. I cannot control what he thinks or feels. I'm sorry if this story is not written to his liking. This is my story to tell. This is me trying to learn not to ever have another violent night again. This is me trying to learn about jealous behavior and the role of alcohol in my life. This is me trying to forgive myself. This is my recovery story...

[waterboy]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

alcohol or emotional?

Early in your post you mentioned that you were unsure if you had a problem based around alcohol, or emotional, or a combination of. I think it is important (based on my own experiences) to question the validity of your perceptions under the influence of alcohol.

In my past experiences I have became overly emotional under the influence of alcohol. As I have become more aware of these responses whilst being under the influence I have learned to trust them less as valid observations.

Alcohol doesn't solve problems but it also cannot be considered the cause of all insecurities. I really think you should look at how you communicate with your partner and try to express my fears and insecurities so that he can alay some of them. Porn on the net does not consitute (in my eyes) some kind of breach of trust; it more conveys a healthy imagination and passion for a full sex life. Try and relax about these things and communicate when you don't like things instead of bottling them up and letting alcohol being the catalyst for them to surface.

I'm not saying your not facing your own issues but it is so easy to blame alcohol for all problems we have instead of it holding partial responsibility.

Good luck and express yourself always.

[Mish]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

I would hate to add fuel to the fire, but he told you the relationship is over. What you write here, how you write it, if and when you write it is entirely up to you.
You owe him no further loyalty, especially as he cut his daughter out of your life. It would appear to me that not only is he a jerk, but an immature one as well.
Excellent advice in the other posts.
:h Mish :h