Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Hi Waterboy and thanks so much for your perspective.

I would have to agree with you. I do believe that I cannot manage my emotions under the influence of moderate or heavy drinking. I do believe the jealousies and insecurities are the real issues I need to work on and manage. I first need to take alcohol out of the equation and have a clear and focused mind to deal with the rest.

I also agree the act of viewing porn is not a breech of trust, it is the giving of your word not to do something and then lying about it when asked the actual breech of trust. My point to him was if you were trying to help me with my self-confidence and body image issues then why be looking at porn and other erotic pictures while Im sitting in therapy sessions, out to work or out running errands. But it was me who allowed it to become a paranoia. To say I made him so frustrated with my jealousies that he used it as an escape? That I can understand. But not because if I broke my word to him about getting upset then he can break his word to me about porn.

BTW, I did do a lot of reading on the subject of porn and finally, finally after a year understand that it has NOTHING to do with me. It has nothing to do with him being unhappy and unsatisfied with me. It was a perceived threat on my part....

*Its been a week since that horrid night and no alcohol That I am proud of!

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Yes, Soulsearcher,
You have every reason to be proud of your sober week. You have learned and faced a lot. This week has been pivotal for you. Good luck on the coming days as you learn even more about yourself.
Sunny

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Morning to all, Yesterday was another rollercoaster day. Trying to just concentrate on what is best for me right now. I'm taking the verbal blows as they come and have to remember that my jealousies and insecurities hurt the man I love. I am worried about how his daughter is going to handle my leaving after the next week that she is with us. She became the daughter I never had and opened her heart to me from day one. My wish is that her father will allow us to continue a relationship when all is said and done. Don't want her to think I'm leaving because of her.

So I went to the bookstore and purchased 6 books. Everything from jealousies and insecurities, emotionally absent mother, try to see it my way, and the male brain. I know, way too much to take on all at one time. I just want so badly to fix what's broken inside me so I can understand why it all comes to surface when I drink.

Yesterday HE said to me that he hopes I regret this because we could have had it all and it didn't have to be this way. So it got me thinking about regrets in life. My one true regret right now is that I have never taken time for me. I have spent my life being a people pleaser and everybody else's cheerleader. I never took care of my own needs. Never spent the time nurturing myself. Well I'm actually looking forward to living by myself and only having to worry about me (and the new kitty I'm going to get).

I was reading another's post this morning and she commented that the only time she happily gave up drinking was when she was pregnant. Got me to thinking. I was pregnant this time last year and ended up miscarrying the day before Thanksgiving. It was all that I ever wanted. But was it really? Because being given the gift I had longed for, I continued to have a glass of wine every night. Filled the glass with ice and poured. My wine had become such a part of my everyday routine that I didn't even give it up for the miracle that was inside me.....

The clearer thinking has begun.

[mere]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Hi Soulsearcher-
I've been following your post and threads from a week ago! Wow you are truly inspiring! You have been through so much in one week. I'm with Mismash though if it's over you can do or say anything you want. You are trying to get healthy and talking about it is what you need. Although I think it's hysterical he is concerned with how he is appearing to us given we don't even know his or your real name!!! LOL!
Keep strong and keep doing what you are doing - you are on your way!

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

I am so glad that you are on the path to self growth and understanding. Incalculable miracles are in store for you and soon at the rate you are going.
Your grace under fire is truly inspiring to me and likely to others on this site.
Keep us posted and "go for it". You deserve every good thing that happens to you, and you can learn from anything.
Sunny

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

I am so grateful I found this site!

Mere, very nice to meet you and your kind words just blew me away. To think that I can be inspiring to someone at this point in my life is unimaginable.

Sunnyvalenting, I logged on because I needed to read some healing words and yours were there. Thank you.

I figure I have no where to go but up from here. It is not easy laying out all your ugly for the world to see. I believe I was just given the biggest learning opportunity of my life and I want so bad to get it right...

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Well I made it through an emotionally difficult weekend. Couple times when feeling stressed I thought how nice it would be just to have a glass of wine to relax and unwind. So I realized thats it! I have used it as my relaxer. Bad day at work, tension with my partner, feeling overwhelmed, I turned to wine to make me feel better. But in the end all it did was cloud my thought processes and made my emotions intensify.

My partner's parents came to see their granddaughter so the spare bedrm went to them and I ended up having to share our bed together again. It felt so good just to be back in our bed. Just to know he was right over there.... Giving him up and this family we created with his daughter is the hard part. I don't want it to be over, I just want it to be better. I ask myself, doesn't he know my heart? Doesn't he know I would never do anything to hurt him or his daughter. Can't he stand by me and see how things could be without alcohol in my life? Doesn't true love mean standing by that person when they are at their all time low?

Just thinking out loud....

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Morning, what a beautiful day. After so many days of rain it's nice to see the sun. Still focusing my energies on healing me. Searched out 2 new therapists to begin work on my insecurities. Not really sure why I ever stopped. Over the past 2 days I've been trying to digest the words my fiance used to describe how he has felt over the past 2.5 yrs. He worded it to his mother as living his life imprisoned. Wow! Whether justified or not that is pretty sad. To know that my insecurities affected someone else's life to that degree is not something I feel good about.

Still a conscious decision not to go for my wine when I'm feeling low or even just because it's 5 o'clock. I'm fully aware that alcohol in my life became too routine and fueled my fears. I keep thinking why couldn't I have figured this out a long time ago. Why does it take a crisis? I pray every day I get it right this time....

[mere]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Hi All Newbies -
Off for a week to my daughters and grandson;'s baptism's with my ex-husbands! But wish me luck and I'll hold you close for all the inspiring, wisdom and invoking messages of support you've given to me and to everyone who comes here!
Thanks so much and I will be thinking of you and sending support and good wishes to all on this journey!

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Thank God for another sunny day. Still spending most of my time reflecting, thinking, reading, studying my past actions, reactions. Wondering how it got to this point. Why couldn't I trust fully, what made me so fearful, why couldn't I believe in his love for me.

Discovered the forum for family members yesterday. I only made it through a few before I was crying uncontrollably. When you're the one who is in an alcohol induced state, you don't see the pain and hurt you are inflicting on your loved one. It inspired me to write a letter to my partner. He read it. He said if it were just him he would stand by me while I work through this. His concern is for his daughter. The way to hurt him back was to threaten to use things against him to have his little girl taken away. I crossed the line. I know that now!! So he asked what guarantee does he have I won't have a bad day, drink and actually carry out such a threat. All I could say is that I never kept focus of his daughter. I was too wrapped up in trying to hurt him the way I was hurting. I know now that taking just 1 drink is enough to lose my family for good. What do I want more; that drink or my family? That's an easy answer for me. But he asks, "What guarantee do I have?"......

If I could only turn back the hands of time, but then I wouldn't have had my wake up call. Looking forward to starting with my new therapist. Time to finally slay the dragons....

Out of habit I think of having a drink, almost automatic to reach for certain drinks to have with certain foods, to have while watching a movie, a baseball game, while cooking dinner. Looking back it just was always there....

Day 13 AF...

[Doggygirl]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Congratulations on your progress both with AFness, and with sould searching. The only guarantee I feel as though I have is this. If I don't drink today, I am 100% sure that my life will be better than if I drink today. Other than that, I just have to roll with it. Considering what happens to me when I drink, (it brings out the worst in me) I am just grateful to be able to make the choice to stay AF today. There was a time when that decision seemed impossible.

I think you will never regret sobriety.

DG

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Congrats on day 13, Soul searcher
There are no guarantees. It doesn't work that way. He has to take care of himself and his family. Right now he has to limit his risk. Time will tell for both of you. Keep your side of things clear and good. Be the best you you can be and don't obsess about what "might have been". That doesn't work either. It is and was what it is and was. We cannot change that. But today well lived, as DG says, can make for a future of better memories and hopes.
All the best
Sunny

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Morning, And thanks Sunny. You're quite right when you say it is and was what it is and was. Had one heck of a breakthrough day yesterday. As Oprah would say, an "aha" moment!

Had my 1st session with my new therapist and I have a good feeling about him. Have spent the last 15 yrs on and off with a therapist who helped me tremendously get through 2 divorces and wake to see better days. My last one was female and this one is male. Due the nature of issues in my present or almost past relationship I thought I'd like to see what his perspective would be.

After listening to my ramble of childhood relations with my family, experiences with old boyfriends, the termination of 2 marriages, and of course my current (almost ex) partner he talked about "attachment and abandonment" theories. Sat there with tears slowly falling as I realized 1) I'm not crazy for all the feelings I have inside, 2) clear reasons why I "freak out" every time my fiance says he's leaving when we discuss too much or argue, 3) my overwhelming need to be held and loved, and 4) why I feel threatened by other attractive women and constantly compare myself to them.

We came up with a very different exercise to help me overcome my insecurities about my looks and body image. I need to learn to love the "Girl in the Mirror", the one who is looking back at me. Embrace her for who she is, imperfections and all! So I went about the rest of my day and once home got out the camera and took about 60? self-portraits of me in the mirror. Played my favorite music, danced around (that felt SOO good), imitated the model posing expressions and just had fun... And then towards the end as I was really staring in the mirror, the tears came. They fell fast and furious and I kept shooting the camera. It just all clicked for me. I am beautiful inside and out, why did I allow others to determine that for me? I felt like I found myself again. All the years of pain and insecurities came flowing out. I just let it go. I realized I wasted so much time and energy trying to compete with these images that my partner would spend time looking at and I never believed him when he told me, "Yes, they are attractive, sexy, but they are not you"... And you is what he had wanted to spend his life with... They are not perfect either until they are enhanced by today's digital technology.

So now this girl is getting her groove back, standing tall and proud, believing in herself, and realizing that come what may she is going to be alright!!!!

AF 16 days!

PS. Made a DVD slideshow of my self-portraits and picked the song "Beautiful" by Patrick Nuo. Awesome words....

[mollyka]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Well good for you Soul, that sounds absolutely amazing, wish I could go to your therapist!
I often look back at photos of when I was in my teens and 20's, I always thought I was so plain and gangly (I'm very tall) always wanted to be one of those small bubbly people that men would want to mind and pamper - I was lovely, why didn't I know that?
Get your groove girl, is it too late for you and your partner? Whatever is best for you I hope happens
Molly

[Doggygirl]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Sounds like you had a fabulous breakthrough!! Good for you. Keep forging ahead.

DG