Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Hi Mollyka, I'm not sure if it's too late for us. My hopes are that he can see the steps I'm taking to work on myself. Biggest one was taking wine out of the equation. Without that, I can have total control over my actions and if a situation should arise I won't be impulsively reacting due to alcohol but have a clear and focused thought process.

He is looking for guarantees from me. But how in life do you give anyone a guarantee on anything? Can he give me that when it comes to things he has done to me or said to me? NO. He told me that before.

His belief is that actions speak louder than words. Well, that's all I can do is show him with time that I'm making the changes, taking the steps needed to heal the emotional wounds inside and believe in myself. There are times I wonder that if I grow and become the person I know I can be, will he still fit into MY life... I hope...

AF 18 days

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Advice wanted!!! Breathe in, breathe out... Just went another round of "talking" with my fiance. His anger with me runs sooo deep. Today seemed worse than others. Everything I did annoyed, bothered, agitated him. I asked if this is all anger I'm seeing and feeling or is it that I disgust him that bad, he replied it's anger, frustration, disappointment, and disgust with the whole situation. Few moments later he walked back and said that's not entirely true. He is also that disgusted with me. He can't believe he can't stand to be in the same room with the girl he adored all his life! It didn't have to be this way.

Today was worse for him because he had more time to think about it all. It's also 3 wks ago tonight that the horrid night took place. While he knows the girl that night is not who I normally am, he is afraid to let his guard down and I have a bottle of wine and Dr. Jekyl comes back. Once again I tried to reassure him that i don't ever want to be that girl from that night. All I can offer is to let me show him day by day. Sure do I want a glass a wine, yep. Could I handle a glass of wine, yep. But is it worth it? Nope!! Just not worth it.

Monday is suppose to be the day he wanted me to leave. I asked again tonight if he still wants that and he couldn't answer me. He finally said he just not sure because of his daughter and how much I mean to her. I've been an excellent role model for her and he has seen so many positive changes in her since I've been in her life. But he not sure what is left in his heart for me. So much anger and doesn't know if and when that will fade.

SO MY QUESTION IS: Do I also wait this out for "our" girl, for my hopes, see if time does ease the pain for him or do i make the decision and leave them to move on with their lives...
But hey, 21 days AF!

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Well made it through my first social gathering without drinking. Have to say it wasn't sooo bad. Thank goodness I was exhausted from the day out that I just didn't have the energy to drink. What was sad was that my SO stayed and drank quite a bit with his daughter around. She came running to me the next day upset and concerned about her dad being drunk. I tried to cover for him and say he was just really tired too. Made me think though. If he is so concerned about ME doing something to have his daughter taken away from him shouldn't he start worrying what he is doing himself?

Had another wonderful session with my new therapist and we are starting to identify all my emotional triggers. Proud of the progress I'm making with keeping my life AF. Some day I'll enjoy a glass of wine again but not until there is emotional rest within. Ever since my last therapy session I been trying to answer a question posed to me, "Why am I fighting to save this relationship? Is it true love or fear of rejection? And the other I found interesting was did my SO love me for who I was? Emotional scars and all? If you choose to love someone and are aware of emotional wounds why would you do anything to poke them? Thats what my gut has been telling me along...

Needless to say, lots more soul searching to do!

24 days AF

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Just wanted to post quickly and celebrate that today is 29AF and can't wait for tomorrow being my initial goal of 30 days AF.

Originally I was thinking about trying modified drinking after my 30 days but I believe I will reset my goal for another 30. I definitely have been able to see a tremendous difference in my thought processes without being under the influence of alcohol. Situations that use to bother or upset me before I now just shrug off and think I have choices to engage or disengage from this scenario.

Now with that being said, I still experience lots of emotions but now I'm just able to work my way through them with more control. In the past those emotions influenced my almost every move.

Still loving my new therapist and he really has me thinking hard about what I want for myself in this life. Learning to stop doing for others and start doing for me first. Stop worrying about what others are getting out of relationships with me but what am I getting out of these relationships with them.

Loving my journey, loving myself more and more everyday!!!:h

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Just checking in. I had originally thought I was going to do another 30 days AF before trying modified drinking but I changed my mind as I was out to dinner having sushi. Talk about breaking old habits but I have never eaten sushi without having a glass of white wine. My partner and his daughter were there. My partner said I'm an adult and can make that decison for myself and his daughter said you can handle just one glass of wine so I did. Had it poured over a glass of ice and pleasantly slowly sipped that one glass. Sure could I have had another but I know better than to go down that road. I felt proud that I handled it well.

Friday nite we had a family Halloween party to attend and over a course of 4 hrs. I had 2 glasses over ice. When a friend poured me a third I went to the kitchen sink and poured it down the drain. A close friend of mine was there and told me as I left how proud she was of me and what she witnessed that nite. The only sad part was that my partner is still drinking more than i think he should and that night he had to walk home before us so his daughter wouldn't see him stagger home. It truly disappointed me to see that. I will not be an enabler for his drinking. I will not lie to his daughter. First thing she asked is why didn't Daddy wait for us. I said he was tired. She said no, how much did he drink again tonight. I couldn't answer her. Was not going to lie to her.

As my therapist explained to me, she is turning to me for verification of what she already knows and sees. She knows the sky is blue and the clouds are white, if I lie to her she will not believe in me and trust me. She knows what she sees. I have tried explaining this to him and I thought he got it. Then on Halloween night he drank again and she questioned me. Why does Daddy have to drink again tonight? Again I did not answer. Not sure how to handle this. I just keep hoping he will follow my lead...

Any way, I'm enjoying my AF days and when in social situations my modified drinking....Working on myself is getting better and better with my therapist. The "best version of Me" is in the works and I have a world out there to take by storm. It will feel so good to be the one who gets to pick and choose who and what I want in my life. Especially who brings out the best in me, supports me, believes in me and who I need to leave behind... I pray the one I want the most makes the changes that have to happen and goes down this road with me....

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

research on rats indicates that the most potent cause of readdiction is exposure to the addictive substance. I hope you realize what you risk when you drink at all. You have a constitution which has already shown its vulnerability to this disorder. Think it through.
All the best. Really, choose the best chance for yourself. IMO that means abstinence.
Sunny

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Hi Sunny, thanks for your thoughts on my attempt at modified drinking. You are not of the belief then that if you've had trouble handling alcohol in the past that you can move on modified or controlled drinking? I agree that it is very easy to be AF when at home and in the company of people that don't drink. I do realize I cannot go back to drinking any more than 2 glasses of wine but I was truly curious if I could at this point have just 1 or 2 and walk away from it. In all honesty, I will rethink this decision to try modified drinking and please keep your advice coming. I truly appreciate it!

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

I am so glad you took my comments in the intended way. I know we all would love to think we can drink like normies. In my experience of over 40 years I have NEVER had a normal relationship with alcohol. While there were times that I appeared to be in control by limiting my intake I always knew it wasn't "enough". I pretended to be a social drinker for many of those years. Again at great cost over time. I am now comfortable in presence of those who choose to drink. In time it becomes "no big deal" to pass on the libations. New habits feel uncomfortable only at first. The book "Rethinking Substance Abuse" has allowed me to understand the neurophysiology of addiction. Knowing exactly what is going on when we drink has helped me maintain my resolve for permanent lifelong abstinence.
While I am sure there are some here who can achieve a goal of negotiated moderation I believe they are in the minority. The risk taken to find out if I (or you?) are one of them seems not worth it to me considering the benefit of the freedom from this addiction.
Again, All the best
Sunny

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Addendum,
Please read your first post on this thread and ask yourself if you ever want to risk feeling that hopeless again.

[aspman]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

hi there soulsearcher, i just read your thread so far. WOW, i am a guy but so much of your last few weeks i have been through. all i can say is after time, the idea and apeal of AL reduces and it takes on a 'normal' proporton in my life. I feel like i am alergic to al, and sure i could go out and drink some, but there would be a horribul reaction, which i may no recover from. Some people cant eat nuts or shelfish,that would suck way more.

i am so very impressed with the work you have done so far, and I am sending you positive thoughts.
ODAT.

asp.

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Thanks again Sunny, and I did indeed go back and reread my first post. You are correct in that I never want to have an experience like that ever in my life so I will think long and hard about modified or controlled drinking.

Hi aspman, It always helps to know you are not alone in going through events like this in your life. I do feel like I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks. I can say for sure I am not the same person I was then thanks to removing and limiting alcohol in my life. I am still unsure as to continue with modified drinking. As I referred to in my thread title, I believe I was battling both drinking and emotional problems. Taking alcohol out of my life for awhile has definitely helped me deal with the underlying emotional wounds. I fully intend to continue on with my therapy and heal those wounds as best possible so they don't cause more damage in my current relationship or any other I may have in the future. I am also well aware that alcohol can never play the same role it did in the past.

So, this brings me to a discussion a had last night with my partner. Many mention "normal drinking" or drinking as a"normy". This set off a debate between us as to what is normal drinking and who or what determines the criteria.

Looking forward to more constructive comments from all!!!:thanks:

[Sunnyvalenting]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

IMO abnormal (addictive) drinking means I wanted more than I knew was safe or prudent under any given circumstance. It tends to get worse over time. The first time I drank (at 15 or so) I way loved and overdid it. I have an idea that for "normal" non addictive drinking it is a take it or leave it sort of neutral issue. They enjoy it but never or rarely to excess and don't get into trouble such as fights, illness, legal, work problems and are not even tempted to drink at inappropriate times or inappropriate amounts. This was never my experience tho. I doubt it is the experience of anyone on this site. Otherwise why would they be looking for a way out?
Sunny

[Soulsearcher]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

Haven't posted in a bit so I thought I'd update. I did decide to try controlled drinking. So far so good. One or two and that's it. And this is not daily. It's out to dinner, attending a party etc. I have family and friends helping me. Everyone is aware of what I'm going through and all are giving me incredible support. It's freeing not to have to hide the fact that I'm trying modified drinking. Even while I'm out at an affair I have friends texting me to have fun but don't mess this up, you're doing so well! Not only do I not want to disappoint myself but everyone else who believes in me.

Now the status of my relationship is another story. Bottom line: He would love for this to work out but he is not going to put any more effort into it. He will simply play the wait and see game for the next few months. The holidays are here and he will not disrupt anything for his daughter. I understand the need to have to see the changes in me and start to feel the changes are permanent but I don't agree with the I'll just do what I want when I want till we get there. In some ways then none of this is real. I see a man that is becoming increasingly depressed. As I am day by day finding myself again I feel like he is day by day losing himself. I see him going down a dark hole that has the ability to destroy his daughter if she discovers any of it. It saddens me but I can't help him. I can only help myself right now. I say my prayers and hope for his daughter's sake he takes a good look at how he is handling this before there is damage done.

Just living life one day at a time...

[Doggygirl]

Newbie: Is this a drinking problem, emotional problem or both?

One day at a time is a good way to live it. It sounds like you are doing well focusing on what you CAN change - you. The rest of the chips will fall where they fall.

I guess in reading your posts my thoughts run along the lines of ..."and what positive is AL contributing to this situation?" I look back on my own drinking and see clearly that AL never contributed anything positive to my life, my relationships, my problems. AL introduced potential risk and negative consequences into everything. It took me a long time to see that though.

The good news is that if you are successful in your goal to drink moderately (i.e. you can decide in advance if you will drink, and how much you will drink, and stick to that all the time) then no harm, no foul. If things don't work out that way, you know where you can come!

I wish you well with your counseling and other positive life changes!

DG