New Here

[shesellsseashells]

Hi everyone. First of all thank you all for your honesty and presence on this board. I have been reading for weeks now, trying to gain courage to post.

Long story short, I'm a high-functioning alcoholic and totally miserable. I have been drinking +/- a bottle of wine almost daily for about 18 years (minus pregnancy time of course) and am so sick of being on this treadmill. I have a wonderful husband, son, family, home, job, boss, friends...you name it...and yet I still go on and on and on with this, risking it all. What a complete waste. I used to think I had a lid on it but in the past year I've missed work once or twice due to hangovers, have felt crappy every day, and have increasingly chosen to alienate myself from friends because I feel like a fraud or that they'll find out my dirty little secret. I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself and am sick to death of feeling this way - waking up at 3:00 a.m. feeling like crap...waking up a few hours later wondering how I ended the night, what I said, etc. To make matters worse I have some health complications that drinking is most certainly not helping. I just feel so out of control!

I've tried to stop in the past and will make it a few days, feeling soooooo great about everything and really proud of myself. But of course I will then slip up saying work was hard or I'm fried or something, and that I deserve that drink - that reward. Well, it's never one drink is it? And one night of "reward" drinking turns into 14...30 and I'm back to square one.

Anyay, I'm going to try again starting today and am planning on being here every day. I want to feel good again, reclaim my freaking life, make myself and my family proud. Thank you all again for sharing your stories. I salute you all!

SSS-:new:

[FancyC]

New Here

Welcome. There are tons great people with great advice here for you. I am new, so not much advice here, but Good luck on your journey!

[marmaduke]

New Here

HI
I ditto what you shared...although I haven't really quit or tried to seriouslu. So much of my social and cultural life involves having a glass of wine. But my tolerance is high and a glass of wine leads to more glasses. I have looked into this sight for a couple years, bought the hypnotic tapes, but haven't stopped. I think I have lacked a true committment to stop, I want to be able to drink in a healthy way, but maybe that is not an option for me. Just making the move to come here and read and poist is a good move I think. So here it goes...

[K9Lover]

New Here

Hi SSS and a huge welcome!
I could have written your story...minus the husband, and exchange wine for beer
The "treadmill" as you said is such an exhausting place to be! I was on it for about 15 years, gradually working myself up to 12-14 beers per night. Waking up exhausted, bloated, with no memory of the night before. But come 3:00pm, I'd be ready to do it all over again. Now that is what I call insanity!
You should be proud of yourself for taking the first step by coming on here, and posting. We have all been where you are, some not as bad, some much worse. Please read around and get a feel for the place, and keep on posting so that we can get to know you better. I look forward to sharing in your journey!!
K9

[shesellsseashells]

New Here

Thanks all. I am very teary today. Don't need to tell any of you that this is hard. Being this honest with myself is totally necessary but so emotionally hard.

marmaduke;979951 wrote: HI
So much of my social and cultural life involves having a glass of wine.

Marmaduke...truer words...truer words. It is the same here with endless get togethers with friends and family. Friends and family who CAN stop at just one or a few; live a normal, put-together life that's not enslaved by the bottle. Sigh...I try to pretend that I can too. Wonder how many of them see through my facade. I bet more than I'm willing to admit.

"But come 3:00pm, I'd be ready to do it all over again. Now that is what I call insanity!" - K9Lover - Yes, indeed. I think I've done that nearly every day since hitting my early 20's. SO sick of that; all the rationalizations and lies I tell myself. Trying to figure out which liquer store to go to on my way home, careful to make sure it's not the one I went to last. As if the guys that work there aren't on to me! Hah!

Thanks again everyone. Stay strong.

[Pride before Fall]

New Here

Sea, welcome! Your story is so similar to mine and to so many here, particularly women. This is one of my favorite threads for reminding myself why I quit:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ing-22609.html

I also recommend "Drinking: A Love Story" and "Lit"; both biographies--a lot resonated for me in these two books.

There doesn't seem to be any "right" way to do this, so experiment if necessary to find what works for you and stick with it. You're doing the right thing for your family, your job, your community, and most of all yourself. No discomfort being the only one at a cocktail party with a soft drink (let me tell you, the ironic thing is, almost no one cares!) is worth the shame and physical and emotional toll of being dependent on alcohol.

Come for support when you need it! : )

Pride

[K9Lover]

New Here

shesellsseashells;980061 wrote: Trying to figure out which liquer store to go to on my way home, careful to make sure it's not the one I went to last. As if the guys that work there aren't on to me! Hah!

So true! I thought I was soooo sneaky! Never mind the fact that I NEVER went in there unless I was buying a 12 pack and cigarettes! Once in a while I'd buy a candy bar or something for my daughter so that I'd look more "innocent"....like that works? lol Or I'd wander around pretending I couldn't decide what to buy...like I didn't know EXACTLY what I was going to get? Arrrggghhh, the alcoholic mind is not the sharpest tool in the shed is it? (Seemed like it at the time though!)

SSS - I think someone before me directed you to the "What I hate, loathe, just can't stand about drinking" thread....you should really read it. There are some stories in there that will just make you cringe. I know I posted one of mine where I was in the liquor store in my jammies, and I fell right in the beer aisle...had a bruise on my left knee for 2 weeks, but I managed to get that beer! Ugh. Nothing to be proud of...

Hang in there! :h

[Choochie]

New Here

Welcome

SSS - your story is a carbon copy of mine (and many others). All I can tell you is that this time feels different because of the support I'm getting here. I was always missing having the component of people I could "talk" to who understood addiction.

Keep reading and posting - great people will come to your aid.:welcome:

[Doggygirl]

New Here

:welcome:!!!! No, I will not try to say your screen name 10 times fast....

shesellsseashells;979835 wrote: Hi everyone. First of all thank you all for your honesty and presence on this board. I have been reading for weeks now, trying to gain courage to post.
Glad you did! That's a big step for most of us.

Long story short, I'm a high-functioning alcoholic and totally miserable.
I think we all start out "high functioning." Then it moves to "sometimes high functioning" then "rarely high functioning" then "barely functioning" then "not functioning" if we care to take it that far. "It's" progressive and if you have "it" then there is (IMO) no escaping that fact.

I used to think I had a lid on it but in the past year I've missed work once or twice due to hangovers, have felt crappy every day, and have increasingly chosen to alienate myself from friends because I feel like a fraud or that they'll find out my dirty little secret. I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself and am sick to death of feeling this way - waking up at 3:00 a.m. feeling like crap...waking up a few hours later wondering how I ended the night, what I said, etc. To make matters worse I have some health complications that drinking is most certainly not helping. I just feel so out of control!

That is the progression.

I've tried to stop in the past and will make it a few days, feeling soooooo great about everything and really proud of myself. But of course I will then slip up saying work was hard or I'm fried or something, and that I deserve that drink - that reward. Well, it's never one drink is it? And one night of "reward" drinking turns into 14...30 and I'm back to square one.

1. For people like us, drinking is not a reward, it's a punishment. (and we need to stop punishing ourselves)

2. For me, there is no "one drink." Ever. In my case, there never was. I chase the buzz until I can't stand up. Good that you are looking at this honestly. That will help you.


Anyay, I'm going to try again starting today and am planning on being here every day. I want to feel good again, reclaim my freaking life, make myself and my family proud.

Excellent goals. Especially that "reclaiming your life" part. Love that! You can. Have you made a written plan yet? I have to make sobriety my #1 priority each and every day. That's just how it has to be. I love my life now and I know I can lose it all in a flash if I take the first drink. I have a plan and it's somewhere around here in writing, along with a bunch of other people's plans. I'll try to find it and link it.

Strength and hope to you!

DG

[Seethepony]

New Here

Hi Seashells (and Marmaduke)

It's not just women who are lousy at concealing their alcoholism! When I first got into the habit of purchasing crates of beer, instead of a bottle or two, I'd put the caps back on the empty ones so my girlfriend would think I'd just had one or two instead of nine or ten. Worked great until some buddy came over, helped himself to a beer, only to find I that promising crate contained nothing but empties. I probably blamed evaporation or termites.

Anyway, have fun reading about other people's efforts, screw ups, words of wisdom. There's something for everyone, as well as a lot of empty beer bottles rattling around the floor...

[marmaduke]

New Here

No kidding! Masking the truth doesn't change it!

[witchywoman]

New Here

Welcome Seashelles,
stick close & well done for taking the first step, I have tried & failed so many times but keep picking myself up, cause I know one day it will stick & I will be free
Good luck
XX