Old Demon's

[hillsidetime]

I was thinking recently about how strong thoughts of "old demon's" can really be. The regret and guilt that accompanies some memories and thoughts of my drinking days, in particular of some really really stupid things I did, are so vivid and powerful.

I am presently feeling very comfortable with not drinking, and I really enjoy living life sober. My battle, at times, is from the haunting thoughts of how I dissapointed others, and let myself down, and permanently changed my life - all things I did while drunk.
I find it takes a great deal of will power to work through these feelings, and try to make myself a better person, and realize the gift of being sober, that most likely I would not have if I had not hit rock bottom.

Do some of you experience this, or have you been more able to move on from the past and leave it there.

Hill

[Sunnyvalenting]

Old Demon's

We all have done a lot of damage to ourselves and others along the way. Never intending to we hurt the people we loved the most. Of course there will be regrets, shame, remorse, guilt. These are normal human experiences. I sometimes feel as tho I have awakened from a bad dream. But it wasn't a dream. It was real. I did those things and hurt those people and myself. I must bear the memory with as much dignity and grace as I can muster and I must NEVER blame the people I hurt for what I did or try to rationalize my poor behavior. I can, however, understand the nature of chemical dependency and alcohol abuse and this helps me put things into some perspective. The people here on these forums who have also succeeded and gone on to good redemptive lives also help, It helps, too, to know that I won't do those things ever again now that I am well.
All these emotions are now open to us and we to them now that we are sober. it is actually, IMO, a good sign that you feel this way as it means you are coming through with your conscience intact which is a good thing.
While we cannot "fix" the past we can live well today. If we do our past present and future can look much brighter in time.
Good, thoughtful and humbling topic
sunny

[beagle]

Old Demon's

Good posts Hill & Sunny.
I especially like the reference Sunny to now being "well". Truly then impacts to me that alcohol addiction is a disease, & it's not my FAULT. It is my problem, but not my FAULT.
Does that make sense? Would any of you then say : but beagle, you CHOSE to drink like that, so surely it IS your fault! Is it like that? So the guilt that I feel & the shame that I feel are enforced by the CHOICE I have inadvertantly made when I began drinking to excess? Thus it would seem to me as a subsequence that by merely CHOOSING to not drink, makes me a better person? What was wrong with the person I was before? Even when drinking to excess, surely I was & am still a decent human being?
Hmmm. Just ramblings.
Thanks Hill for provoking these thoughts.

[Wally22]

Old Demon's

Wonderful posts!!! Great thoughts.
Thank you all. I will have much to mull over today.

[Dewdrop]

Old Demon's

Some very thought provoking posts here and some of it really resonantes with me, like Wally22 I will need to take some time to think this through.

Thank you Hillside for starting this thread.

Dewdrop :h

[hillsidetime]

Old Demon's

Hi Sunny, Beagle, Sheri, Wally, Dew, thanks for your thoughts and reflections. Just talking about this, and reading your posts, is helpful for sure. I appreciate your candid ideas and honest feedback.
Hill

[Peacefull]

Old Demon's

Hi Hillside,

This is huge for me. It is getting better the longer I go without AL, but do I ever beat myself up. I quit drinking for a long time before and started up again (whole other story) but anyway, after I was sober for awhile I had no more guilt and anxiety and once I started again BAM it was right there at the back of my mind ALL the time, like I was punishing myself for starting to drink again.

I am getting better at not thinking about my past shameful drinking episodes, it's still early in my recovery - 7 weeks. The past year I made a fool of myself more times than I have in 3 years - I was going through some real stressful times and resorted to binge drinking to escape. Well, I started to spiral and my last binge I blacked out worse than ever and it scared the urge to drink right out of me. Trying to move past that night and it is getting easier. I apologized where necessary and am moving on, it does get easier. Thinking about regret, shame, guilt, etc...can set us up to drink again to forget. I think we need to feel it, resolve it and move on. As my dear hubby always tells me, "It's over, let it go"

This is a great post, I suffer from ruminating over "bad" things, but I am getting better and really starting to live in the moment.:thanks:

[SoFlo1]

Old Demon's

Great, though as Sunny said, humbling topic. What to do about the past, and specifically those I've hurt, is probably one of the biggest things I struggle with. At first I was pretty disheartened about the whole thing. These days, my thinking is a lot like Sheri's. I now try to view my amends as a process - a continual series of acts, small and large, that hopefully show love and deliberation where there was previously confusion and chaos. It seems to be working, not only have others begun to forgive me but I've begun to forgive myself.

[Sunnyvalenting]

Old Demon's

I find an attitude of humble acceptance, acknowledging my responsibility, & acknowledging my humanity help. It is one of those things we cannot change ala the serenity prayer. We all make mistakes. There are qualitative differences but there is no scale against which to measure them except our own human values. I don't "try to forget". I try to learn and do better. Not drinking is huge there because when I drink I OFTEN do things which are against my values- so much so that I have now chosen permanent abstinence. The other thing to remember is that you cannot really "make up" for a lot of these actions. You can only move on from the only place and time you find yourself (here and now having done this and that). It is not as though there is an accountant's ledger which tells us how much "good" we owe for how much "bad" we did. The good part is that there are likely people in our lives who may learn how to forgive and trust us in time. If not go find some! We here are all in the same boat. Good luck and good days to all. Live today well and tomorrow will be better. It is called perseverance self knowledge, and discipline, qualities which were sorely undervalued when I drank.
Sunny

[hillsidetime]

Old Demon's

Hi everyone, thank you very much for your thoughts and ideas. I have re-read your posts, and the ones above many times. They are really helping me try to make sense with my guilt. Sometimes I think I need to focus on the fact that I am an alcoholic, and I was at rock bottom. I have now gone 8 and 1/2 months without drinking (which I could not have done withot the help of so many of you), and I plan to stay sober. For me, abstinance has not worked, and I know it won't. So, I am doing better (like Sunny says), every day, as a father, a husband, at work, for myself. That perspective can help when guilt and shame slam down on me.


Soflo1,mentions forgiving one's self. Man, that is a tough topic. I am not sure that I will be there for a long time. I live most days in peace, but forgiving myself, somedays the dissapointment in myslelf burns like hot iron. Like Peace says, though, "let it go" may be appropriate during those intense waves of guilt, and then I can think about them later with better perspective. Sunny I like the idea that there is no way to count, how much good we owe before it outweighs the bad - I guess only we can make that decision in our mind - but it must take time.

Hill

[mollyka]

Old Demon's

Hey Hillside, this is a very thought provoking post. My situation is that like most of us I railed against the idea of being an alcoholic. Even in the early days coming here, underneath it all I used to think 'I'm not like that'. Until I hit rock bottom, I was NEVER going to get where I am now. Rock bottom made me realise 1/ Yes I am an alcoholic - I can never ever drink again safely. 2/ that yes, I have put the people I love through a very bad time, they have not exaggerated, and they deserve loving care an reassurance that they won't have to go through that time again and 3/ There is NO misunderstanding (see pt. 1) I am an alcoholic.
Thank you 'rock bottom'
Molly

[Kimberley]

Old Demon's

Thanks for starting this discussion. I think one of the hardest things to deal with for me is that I always want some kind of immediate effect to 'prove' that I am better/things are better/I have sorted everything out. Something concrete. It doesn't seem enough to just be working on things gradually. I need closure to validate what I have done. And yet I know that this is impossible in this situation. It just doesn't work like that.

I know I have not forgiven myself for many of the things I have done. I have asked the question many times of counsellors, alcohol workers, peers: "How do you (learn to) forgive yourself?" Sadly most of the answers involve the words: "Time", "patience" and the reassurance "you will get there". Really?

It's not like I want loads of plaudits for the progress I have made, but I want SOMETHING. Like an end product so I know I have "got there". Closure. An ephiphany. Something! And yet all I seem to get are airy nominalisations. It is hard for me to move on or feel proud or to feel like it is all worth it and I am going down the right route if I don't get this - it feels disappointing and pointless in a way. Does that make sense?

I know this a horrible instant gratification, needing validation', impatient personality flaw that I have, but I wonder if there is anything I can do to reassure myself. It would make me feel a lot better about things. I want to be better, properly healed (and yes, I want it now!)

K x

[hillsidetime]

Old Demon's

Hi Mollyka, it sounds like you and I share a great deal in common. Rock bottom, and the risk of losing my wife, kids, family, respect...that would have accompanied me being just one more inch down in rock bottom, one more horrible alcohol involved bad decision...that made me face my demon. Once I realized that facing my alcoholism, and the fear I had of living life without alcohol, and the social aspect of going sober, meant saving the life and person that I wanted, I somehow made my decision. Of course I had tried to quit a thousand times. But in my rock bottom state, I, like yourself, also made the decision. It is interesting, because my first post was titled rock bottom. Many people from here, in my early days, helped me so much. I am glad that you are very honest about your alcoholism, and that you are living a life that you want.


Kimberley, thanks for your thoughts. I can understand what you are going through. I don't know how to forgive myself either. In addition, the real pat on the back seems to have to come from within ourselves. The guilt from past demons kind of messes that up for me. But like you say, perhaps we just need to give things more time. I suppose every day that you live sober, if that is your choice, adds another day to your total. That is instant, and gratifying. Every time you are up early and enjoying life, not sleeping hungover, that is instant. Perhaps you can find little every day things to remind you of the daily gifts you are giving yourself.
Hill