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just starting out again!!!!

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    #1

    just starting out again!!!!

    OMG!!! Will I ever get this thing licked? The longest I have been without alcohol in the past 11 years is four days. I get to day four and I am sure I suffer severe withdrawal hence me going back to the stuff. I start my committed mission to be sober then stop again after four days unable to deal with the need to get drunk. I go get my drink and hide away, pleased that no one can see me. Like a little rat running around my house with the booze, smiling, hiding it, feeling the warmth and then feeling stupid and weak. I went to narcotics anonymous on my day four, crashed the car, sober I may add, such was my panic. Went an hour earlier, sat there with severe anxiety, came out of the meeting and went straight to the off licence. Blaming NA for my failures... now it was not them, it was me... Should I be honest with my doctor? I am reluctant as I shall lose my driving licence, I am already on a yearly probation and one of the constant questions is 'when did you last drink?' I am a liar. I say not for many years. I tell such lies, but the truth only to myself. Oh and my kids know but only the half of it, I have become so amazing at hiding this condition. So I guess that is some sort of mad start. Even though I am bloated and fighting this condition. I go to AA but I am so not sure what to make of it. I find many people so unhinged and deranged, but maybe that is me looking in the mirror and I am the one who is unhinged and deranged!!! In honesty I do find a lot of AA members too needy for me. Too wrapped up in politics, even though there should be none. But is that just me, looking for an excuse and finding it.

    Seriously, I do not want to end up dead. I am 44 not yet over the hill, but suffering from severe alcohol addiction. Scared, annoyed with the drink and disappointed in myself. I am alone and feel very alone, they do say alcoholism is a lonely disease and it has cost me more than finance over the years. I do not mean to do it, honestly I do not. I just cannot seem to be in control of myself and everything seems ok when I am drunk, trouble is, it is far from ok. I have been barred from many things due to this disease. I have been kicked of here before, but use a different name and come with love and openness in my heart. Help me please I have a problem and I cannot afford Rehab although I would gladly go and stay the course. It is a real mess.

    thanks
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    #2
    just starting out again!!!!

    Hopeful,

    You have been here before so you know the support and caring you will get on this site. You sound ready but scared, it is a long, hard journey and many speed bumps along the way. For me, I went for 30 days to start so it wouldn't be so overwhelming, now I am on Day 52 and do not miss the agony of drinking one bit. Thoughts of escaping in a glass (bottle) of wine cross my mind, but I combat it with thoughts of the day after.

    Stay strong, keep coming back and be true to yourself...welcome.

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      #3
      just starting out again!!!!

      Hi hopefull welcome back to a great community with lots of advice & support,but you already know that so jump back in here and let yourself be helped ,give yourself a chance,


      :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

      Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
      I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

      This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

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        #4
        just starting out again!!!!

        Hi there,

        I understand how hard it is coming back here. I really do. I was up in the air about it for a long time.
        The good thing is that you've been here before so you know to take the good and ignore the bad, don't let anyone with a hidden agenda ruin your opportunity to kick this thing for good.

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          #5
          just starting out again!!!!

          owwwwwwwwwwwwwww thanks

          today is a bad, drunk day, should I lie. No be honest. Thank you so much

          Comment

            #6
            just starting out again!!!!

            all i want to ask is how?

            Is it just me who finds this so hard? I find it so hard that I could jump readily into my grave, indirectly and misguidedly I think I am, so no need to turn this alcohol site into a suicide site. Without doubt am committing suicide under the influence.... I hate those suicide sites and this is about recovery. It has to be. I do wait for the punchline, but maybe that is the synic in me. Thanks. I read each message and read again, looking for weirdos, looking for crap. I found goodness. We cannot all go to AA and we cannot all admit what we have become, not necessarily what we are!!!! I think the word is powerless over addiction but do we all need to sit in an AA meeting to suss this out? Somehow, I find that very debilitating to my soul. I still will not buy into rubbish, but thanks for being there today. I needed a friend and via cyber it came. May not be here for a while but at least we connect.:h

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              #7
              just starting out again!!!!

              You're drinking now? Do you want to stop?

              Comment

                #8
                just starting out again!!!!

                Hopeful Lady..I know there are numbers around here to talk to someone if that's what you're thinking about doing. I really hope you put what you're drinking down.. suicide is not the answer, to anything.

                Comment

                  #9
                  just starting out again!!!!

                  Hey Hopeful,

                  AA is not for everyone, Meds are not for eveyone, we must find what works for us...

                  I would urge you to read The Toolbox Thread which is located In the Monthly Abstinance section.

                  We have all struggled with this addiction, we know the score.

                  We are here for you whenever you decide you want to stop.
                  "It's not your job to like me, it's mine!"

                  AF 10th May 2010
                  NF 12th May 2010

                  Comment

                    #10
                    just starting out again!!!!

                    Hi Hopeful - You have indeed found friends here, we understand what you are going through.
                    If you are drinking at the moment best to pour it down the sink and get some water down you?
                    What country are you in?
                    "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
                    AF - JAN 1st 2010
                    NF - May 1996

                    Comment

                      #11
                      just starting out again!!!!

                      Hi Hopeful,
                      You are not alone, you're somewhere on the path that most of us here recognise- either from a way back on our travels or from where we are right now. A couple of years ago I could've written your exact same post.

                      AA does not work for everyone- I have never been a to a meeting where I haven't gone straight to the off licence afterwards. Hence I stopped trying that. What else could you try? An alcohol worker? A counsellor? Groups? Therapy of some sort? Meds? There are a lot of things out there.

                      I can see that a part of you the 'little rat' enjoys the drinking - I liked that too, my safe, little, warm, comforting secret. It is important to acknowledge that. But also to compare and contrast that with the rest of the crud it brings. I can truly say that although 2 years ago I resented trying to give up drinking, today there is almost no part of me that ever wants to drink again. There will always be some little tiny percentage somewhere (I am an alcoholic after all), but really I never thought I would come to thinkof it in the way I do know.

                      Try all the tools you can, and when you find the ones which start to work, keep at it and hopfully you can experience how wonderful sobriety can be. Four days doesn't even give you a proper taste of it.

                      Good luck,
                      K x
                      Recovery Coaching website

                      "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." - Carl Bard wl:

                      Recovery Videos

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                        #12
                        just starting out again!!!!

                        hi hopeful, sorry your feeling the way u are, im new here so lets do this together

                        Comment

                          #13
                          just starting out again!!!!

                          thank you

                          I had to say thanks, you all understand. I have been quite good and had a few alcohol free days and then when I have drank, not really done it as bad as I used to, so I am weaning myself off. I note all your comments and am really grateful for them. I do not dislike AA or NA and I am sure they have their place, but somehow I am not really this 'people person or clickey' and I sniff it out and that can put me off. I do recognize I am a difficult person but simple as well. A contradiction in terms, I just want to find out why the hell I drink, for what void am I trying to fill? I honestly do count my blessings, it is just sometimes my mind gets fuzzled and I can think being intoxicated and not caring a blessing, when really my mind knows it is making me unhappy. I think I may probably be a non stop party girl, trouble is the party finished ages ago!!!!!

                          It is a pleasure to be a part of this community.

                          God bless you all,,,,,,,,,,,,,:h

                          Comment

                            #14
                            just starting out again!!!!

                            I am not suicidal!!! not yet anyway!!!

                            Just an aside, after reading your comments and what I posted it may have been misinterpreted that I wanted to commit suicide or die. I do not, I want to live. Drink is a depressant and my god I can be happy before that stuff reaches the spot and then I get all morose and soppy. I think the official word is a silly cow!! Thanks though, but I am not suicidal, I just think this drinking when we know the harm it causes us is somekind of self inflicted suicide mission. What else could make us harm ourselves in this way???

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