Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

[katy0601]

Hi there

Im new to this site - just joined today.
My boyfriend moved in 4 months ago and we were going out for 16 months before that.
His behaviour was strange when we were going out but he always managed to explain it away. However in the last week Ive noticed he brings a bottle of wine and secretly drinks it in the eve and also whole bottles of spirits ..he doesnt appear drunk but seems tired etc
I cant understand how he holds it together.

Also he iis always very hot and has a high metabolism.
Im 40 and hes 46.
When I think about his mood changes over tha last year and his temper it all seems to fit together now

When I discussed it with him and said I thought he was drinking he admitted having 'a drink' now and then and said it was because he missed his friends and going out with them etc I asked if he missed the single life and he said he wanted to be with me more than anything but sometimes missed goign to the pub. .....

he also seems to be get more intimate with me when hes had a drink.

I went out with someone in my 20s who had a drinking problem so do know about about it.

We are meant to be trying for a child.

Can anyone help? Please be up front and honest however painful teh truth is .
Katy:new::thanks:

[Doggygirl]

Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

Katy, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I am the alcoholic in my family and I put my husband through a lot when I was drinking.

Nobody here can really say for sure whether your BF is a problem drinker or alcoholic or not. It doesn't sound good though, and it seems your concerns are well founded. I hope that HE will decide to take an honest look at his drinking habits and do something about it.

Here is a website that you might find helpful, and a specific link to an article of interest: How to Help an Alcoholic A poster here Sheri originally linked this and has made some helpful posts on this subject.

Here are some of the things I used to do that I have since decided are NOT normal:

* Lie about how much I drank
* Hide bottles / receipts
* Attribute my "personality changes" to outside issues (somebody made me mad, somebody made me sad, etc.)
* Try to carry on as though everything was normal with me when it was certainly not

If your BF is doing stuff like that (or other stuff - the possibilities are endless) then he might have a serious problem.

I wish you the best.

DG

[mollyka]

Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

Hi Katie, I wrote a couple of replies to your post and deleted them both, I am the alkie and I think my point of view may be blinkered, so I just want to echo what the others have said - well done on facing up to a potential problem and gather all info you can before you deal with the situation - one thing I do know, if my hubs had even one detail wrong about me, like he thought once that I had drunk more than I had, I would use that as a complete 'out' and ignore all the other facts of the situation. Best of luck, and the one thing I would say is don't even THINK of trying for a baby till you are clear in your mind what the situation is. Thinking of you
Molly

[lil.michelle]

Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

hi hunni,
To be honest, i'm not sure you can do anything until he himself realises and admits that he has a problem. To be sober and live a sober life is challenging and it's something he WANTS to do. If he's forced into something it'll not last and could make things worse.
I'm just saying this cause my dad has a drinking problem. Everything you've said is what my mums said and my mum is ALWAYS confronting him,begging him to stop and it will not. NOT until he wants it for himself.
I have no idea if you can fix things but we're always here for you. I'm sorry i haven't posted something positive. I'm just bacing it on my experience with my mum and dad.

I hope he listens to you and he stops.
Xxx

[lil.michelle]

Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

I was just reading the other replies and i have to agree that i too used to:
~ Lie about how much i drank
~ Hide bottles. I used to hide them EVERYWHERE,under towels, under the bed, in my wardrope under clothes, in my boots, behind the sink, in the garden under bushes, to of cupboards... The list is ENDLESS.
~ secretly drink (hide glasses full of drink and down them when hubby wasn't looking)
~Rip us all reciepts or evidence that i had drunk.

When i drank i used to get REALLY tired, not eat much, cause fights or get REALLY emotional and talk really deep with my hubby.

When you think he's had lots of drink, talk to him about something.. maybe buying some expensive shoes or doing something together like go out for a mean and the next day say you've ordered them or ask what day he wanted to go to the restuarantand see his reactions. If he remembers then he's not drunk but if he doesn't then you know.

not that i'm saying trick him but it's nice to know if he is or isn't drinking.
Xxx

[hillsidetime]

Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

Hi Katy, and welcome. You have received some earnest and truthful thoughts from our friends above. I think back to how much booze I would drink, and hide a lot of it from my wife, and somehow keep it together - most of the times.

I have two children, and being a parent is a wonderful, amazing, tiring, hard, etc experience. It looks like addressing the alcohol issue is a good first step, before starting a family. It took me a long time to face my problem, after hitting rock bottom, and if your boyfriend has problem, it is hard to say when and if he will be willing to change.

All the best to you,
Hill

[Kimberley]

Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

Hi Katy,

Well it certainly sounds like your bf does have a drink problem - although I must say I am suprised that you had not got to the bottom of it this far down the line. Not your fault, alkies can be sneaky, but it still suprises me as I never managed to be that sneaky over the long term. I definitely wouldn't think about kids at this stage.

But what is interesting is that I can kind of come at this at both angles for you. I have been open for many years with my partners about my drinking problems (no way I couldn't be in later stages as it was blatant) and now I am trying to get sober for the long-term, I have ended up with a partner who has drink issues of his own.

I don't think I would call him a full-blown alcoholic, but he has been open with me that he drinks too much, he usually drinks every day (even if it's only a couple of cans of beer) and drinks to block out problems.

He also admits to being quite a guarded person and, like your fella, seems to need a bit of lubrication to tell me how he feels or get close.

Well he had about a month where he was being really good and not drinking hardly at all, but now he has had several stresses appear in his life, he has increased the drinking slightly. I have found cans in the outside bin, as if he was chucking them away and only drinking a smaller amount directly in front of me. I haven't mentioned this to him, but I have expressed concern that he seems to be drinking more these days, which he kind of acknowledges but doesn't seem to want to do anything about.

Luckily he is a really decent guy, and does not 'turn' in any way when he's been drinking, and he doesn't drink neat spirits or anything, so I'm prepared to be patient with him and see how things turn out when some of the stresses have passed.

In your situation, I guess you have to figure out whether you can put up with this situation, whether he is actually willing to cut down or stop and if he chose not to, whether you would want this person and his behaviour in your life for good- as a partner/husband/father.

Ultimately you need to think about this and discuss this with him before you go any further down the line. Be prepared for some lies, excuses and defensiveness if he really does have a problem. And be prepared to make some difficult decisions. And remember if he really does have a problem, alcoholism is a progressive disease and hardly ever 'improves'. I am bearing this in mind for my own relationship.

All the best,
K x

[Samstone]

Can someone help - my boyfriend is secretly drinking

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