Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

[patientgirl]

Hello all, I'm new here. The partner of a man who I love very much, and, in fact will become my husband in 10 days.

A bit of background on my situation...I'm in a relationship with a man who suffers from depression and bipolar disorder and who is, in my and his family's opinion, an alcoholic. He drinks so frequently and so much, apparently to "numb" his emotions...and doesn't alcohol just solve every problem??? No, of course not. He is a binge drinker as well.

I'm struggling at the moment and really want him to get help. I told him last night after yesterday's events that there is no room for alcohol in our relationship. I love him without alcohol and told him that. I also said to him that he's an a-hole when he drinks and I don't like that "him".

Anyway, will post more in the family support section. Thanks for listening.

[southernbelle47]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

Hi patientgirl,

DON'T marry this person.........He needs help and you can't fix him. Get as far away as you can as if your life depended on it! It does! He has to want to help himself. Wait.....wait........wait...........

[pansy]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

patient girl

Dear Patient Girl,

Please think about what Southern Belle said. At this point in time, your fiance seems to be self-medicating with booze - as opposed to getting treatment from a qualified mental health professional. Bi-polar is very tricky - and if he chooses to not pursue treatment (which is often a journey in itself - good doctors - undertreaters, overtreaters), then you cannot expect any meaningful changes in his behavior. Ultimatums won't work if he is really sick - he needs to get help.

Please keep coming back and asking questions. Sorry to not be too upbeat here, but it sounds like you need to take care of yourself first. Imagine if he does not change - can you be happy with that in 10 years?

Take care,
Pansy

[lushy]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

Marriage will not change his addiction. In fact it could worsen it because he could get complacent. Please reconsider getting married right now. He needs help beyond you. Marrying him will not "fix" his addiction. Alcoholism, like dieting or quitting smoking, is a very personal thing that no one else can force us to do. You told him alcohol has no place in your relationship? You need for him to prove to you he can do that, and 10 days is not enough time to prove that. It is easy for you to throw out that ultimatum and expect him to quit just like that. Alcohol is a very addictive substance; one that most find that cannot give up easily. Do NOT marry him right now. My sister-in-law did not listen to me last year when I begged her not to marry by alchie brother and now she is in a living hell because once they got married he ramped it up even more. As Pansy said, you think you love him now, can you love him being like this 10 years from now? I am sure the answer would be no. Best of luck to you. Introduce him to this site; maybe that could be a good start.

[Paddy]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

Well, frankly, what you see is what you get. Unless the guy loves you, and proves over a period of time that he's willing and able to go alcohol-free, then he's worth it. But right now, I hate to agree with our other friends here, you're moving slowly but surely into a disaster. My bet is too, let him sort himself out, otherwise you will either suffer in the relationship, or worse become alcoholic as well.

Rgds

[trishinnebraska]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

PLEASE THINK THIS OVER CAREFULLY!!!

Patient Girl:

Can only add to what all the others have said. Please consider postponing this marriage until some major changes can be made.

16 years ago I married the most charming, funny , sexy guy...who had chronic depression and drank heavily. I married him anyway.

He refused to see that he had a problem with either depression or alcohol and his mother, father and brother agreed with him. I was "odd" man out.

I scattered his ashes at his favorite fishing hole four years ago. He died of acute liver failure at the young age of 54. The last 5 years of our marriage were a living hell. Watching someone die of this disease is one of the most awful things I've ever seen or experienced. He was only 54.

Please, please think! Especially if you're planning a family in the future.

Trish

[Guest]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

Can relate

I agree with the other posters, I married 10 yrs ago to a great guy (when he was sober). He said things like he was lonely, had a rough day, family issues and etc was the reason he was drinking. Wrong he's an alcoholic and I'm not the great white hope, go figure. This year he has fought with me 92 days to date, yelled. berated and generally blame for the way his life has turned out. I don't know you or your fiance, but I know you can't fix somebody else, they have to do it on their own.

[changemylife]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

From a man's point of view. I agree with the women. If your and his whole family know he is an alcoholic, Then everyone will understand why you are putting off the marriage. It will get worse and no one will be able to change him. He can only make the decision to stop. You may be having a big wedding and it will be terrible to cancel... But in my opinion, it will be worse in the long run not to cancel. You must think of the future and not the next 2 weeks.

I have been in your fianc? shoes, It took a horrible personal experience for me to stop drinking.
Keep posting and good luck

[gateway]

Frustrated, oh and hi, I'm new!!

funny thing happened to me today.. patient girl. i was at the gym and a new girl came in that i had never, ever seen before and we started chatting..... LONG STORY SHORT. she did a long distance relationship with her boyfriend. SHe lived in Florida and he in St louis. THey married and moved to Minnesota. they lived here for 10 years. Little did she know he was a big boozer because of the long distance relationship ( he supposedly cleaned up his act) about 2 years into the marriage - out came the booze and you can figure out the rest. now they are getting divorced.
Patient Girl......be what you are PATIENT. Think this thing thru.
good luck and keep us posted