How Much Did/Do You Drink

[sunshine_gg]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

:H:H:H DG

Fine... slinking into my corner now...

[Doggygirl]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

:nutso:

[momof3]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Doggygirl;1013938 wrote: 2 Bottles of wine? Only 2????

LIGHTWEIGHTS!!!

:H:H:H:H:H

Okay, Fess up. How much?

[Sarasmiles]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

I agree with Doggygirl that the amount one drinks is not nearly as important as the way one drinks. (I know that's not exactly how you put it, but I think that was your point.) When I read about really heavy drinking, I often have the (unhelpful) thought,"I was never that bad". This thinking is a big part of what keeps me going back to trying moderation. After being AF for most of November, last week on Thanksgiving I had one glass of wine. I didn't even want any more. Then I didn't have anything Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday. But last night I went out with friends and had three...too much for me. I drove home, but was nervous the whole time. I woke at 3 am with anxiety. I look back on last night and think how stupid it was to drive with a buzz. I regret that I exceeded my self-imposed limit of two drinks, and never more than one when I'm driving. Today I am a little depressed, a little anxious, and can't seem to focus on getting things done. So, by many standards, I didn't drink a lot. But do I have a drinking problem? Absolutely. It's a problem for me.

In the past I typically drank 2-3 glasses several nights a week. But sometimes I'd go way over that limit, drinking 6 or 7. The last time I really over did it was last February, when I had three glasses of wine and two shots of bourbon. That was enough for me to black out. That kind of drinking happened about once or twice a year. Is that a problem? Absolutely. For me, it is. Lots of people would say getting drunk a couple of times a year isn't bad. But what if one of those times ends in tragedy? Then it is bad. I haven't drunk like that since, but I can't help wondering, if I keep allowing myself the occasional drink (or 2 or 3) will I inevitably end up exceeding the limits by a dangerous amount?

One more thing. I know that virtually everyone says alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it seems it typically is. But for me, drinking has always been a problem - since college, some 25 years ago. The problem has waxed and waned; faded and then darkened. I didn't drink during three pregnancies or much at all during years of breast feeding. In the years since I've had children I've drunk much less than I did before. It has not gotten progressively worse, perhaps because I'm so committed to not letting it. But that "progressive disease" model is yet another thing to make someone like me think, "maybe I'm not an alcoholic...it hasn't really progressed, it's just always been a problem".

Sorry to go on and on. I guess having had three drinks last night has thrown me back into my never-ending cycle of angst over this stupid problem. I know, of course, that most MWO readers will think, "if it's such a problem, just don't do it at all. Commit to abstinence". But sometimes it just seems like it's not a big enough problem for me to commit to quitting. Then again, if making that commitment is that daunting, that in itself is more evidence of the problem being real...

I would love feedback.
:l Sara

[Wagoneer]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Hey Sarah - so sorry you are feeling bad, but it certainly seems like you know that this is a problem for you. WIth me, I simply cannot moderate. Tried it before, and each time I end up "having one" which leads to even more wine than I drank before I tried to moderate! It is a slippery slope as you are well aware. I was like you - never ever drank when I was pregnant or breastfeeding, never drank and drove, but just drank too damn much when I was home! I just had had enough. It's so easy to say things like "well, I am not as bad as that person..." but I found that since this is so personal and not about the amount you drink, but how it effects you, I was certainly as bad "as that person"...in my own way. This beast sneaks the hell up on you. If you have an inkling that this is a problem, trust me there is a problem. For years I dismissed it until 31 days ago. And now my life has changed in amazing ways. Try to abstain completely and you will see the difference, I promise. There are many more people here much, much wiser than I who have helped me and continue to help me every day. I hope that you give sobriety a chance. It really does feel great.

Good luck to you,

Kat

[Pride before Fall]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

GREAT post, Sara, thoughtful and thought-provoking.

For me, all the angst and AL hyper-awareness that goes with trying to moderate aren't worth the (debatable) payoff of appearing to be a 'normal' drinker (I use quote marks because I'm not one--wherever I am, I know where the alcohol is, how much there is, and who's drinking it/to what extent.). I tried many times in the past to moderate, and I just don't have the bandwidth. I haven't enjoyed having just one drink in years; why would I start now?

Would I love to be someone who couldn't care less if there were alcohol around? Sure. Do I think I'll ever be that person? No.

I'm just happier, in the end, being done with it altogether.

xoxo Pride

[mylife]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Hi Sarah,
You couldn't have said it any better! I think the problem doesn't involve the VOLUME of drinks -- it's the internal angst we experience when we know there is a problem. I have aloways "contolled" my drinking and I've never lost a job or a relationship -- my family doesn't even think I have a problem because I hide it so well! Inevitably when I'm "controlling" my drinking at some point I drink too much or have drinks that include vodka or something stronger than normal (I usually only drank wine) and I then black out and wake up horribly hung over and wondering why I did that? I did it because I have a problem. And I drank too often -- maybe 2-3 glasses but why every night?? I saw a counselor who said there are many "highly functional" alcoholics. But that doesn't mean they're not alcoholics! I just don't want to have this thing hanging over my head anymore! I don't drink! Period!

[42cat]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

At my worst, about a quart-and-a-half (5th-and-a-half) of rum or vodka per 24-hour-day, around the clock, any time I was awake, including overnight wake-ups and throughout my day at work. I'd keep a mixed drink by my bedside overnight, and one for the morning, which I'd usually throw up but it got me started for the day. I'd take my drinking paraphernalia to work in my drinking bag. It got ridiculous.

I didn't drink to get drunk toward the end, or even to relax or escape ... In the end, it was not enjoyable at all. I was drinking only to function, because if I went too long between drinks, I'd get shakes and get sick. I couldn't keep food down. It was scary. I drank by myself, in my bedroom, away from anyone, with my alcohol and mix stored under the drawer of my dresser and my plastic drinking cup living in my top drawer. Nothing was seen, but I was barely surviving, all the while putting on a big pretend "I am a happy, normal working mom" show for the world around me.

Then, I turned yellow after not having eaten for months, and spent days in the hospital. I haven't had a drink since the first week of July.

But it all started when I was 16. I am 45 now. And I don't think it matters how much or how long you drink. Different bodies handle it differently. Luckily, mine took a huge beating and survived. Someone else's may not have survived even a fraction of the amount or length of time that I drank.

So, to anyone reading this thread ... please don't think that because some of us drink more than you do that you are "fine" ... Your body could decide that enough is enough at any moment.

[Doggygirl]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Sarasmiles;1014459 wrote: But sometimes it just seems like it's not a big enough problem for me to commit to quitting. Then again, if making that commitment is that daunting, that in itself is more evidence of the problem being real...

I would love feedback.
:l Sara

If YOU think it's a problem, then it's a problem. If you are spending time today angsting over yesterday rather than living TODAY, than AL is robbing you of part of your life.

That's my 2 cents on it anyway. :l Onward and forward, right?

DG

[j-vo]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

How much did I drink? Enough to cause pain in my liver, create relationship problems, neglecting my responsibilities, and just existing.

Great post Sheri. The obsessive thoughts and cravings are what makes me know that it's not ok to pick up a drink anymore. And I need to live that ODAT.

Hi Sarah,
I know this has been a struggle for you. And most people would say that, "no, she doesn't have a problem." Like DG mentioned, if it's creating the anxiety in you, then it's not worth it. But only you know how much anxiety it creates. Everyone is different, but ultimately, you know what your answer may be. It's the acceptance of who we are and what we need to do that we fight. Good luck!

[mylife]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Thanks Sheri for your post. It really gave me a sigh of relief and a ray of hope to think that I might feel that way again in the future! Right now I'm feeling strong, but I find myself thinking 'what about next year, will I be tempted to try again?' I really hope to feel exactly as you do, I don't drink and I don't miss it. And J-vo you are right, obsessive thoughts mean it's NOT okay to drink anymore. I never want to wonder "who's going to finish that last glass of wine?" again.

Thanks guys and have a great evening!

[Sarasmiles]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. Doggygirl, I know you've seen me go back and forth with this for a long time now, and I wonder if sometimes you'd like to just virtually strangle me! You always seem patient and understanding, though. You too, j-vo. I'm very grateful to have this place and all of you to listen and understand.

Sheri, I just love your story about Thanksgiving and your joyful perspective on sobriety. I'm so happy for you! Congratulations on 20 months!!

Mylife, I was so glad to hear from someone else who just feels the presence of the problem, regardless of how others see you. As others have said, what matters most is how we feel ourselves.

Wagoneer, congratulations on 31 days! Your experience is inspiring, too.

Pride, you are right, the angst isn't worth it. I don't think I will ever be able to comfortably drink again...I have spent so much time thinking, worrying, writing about it...How could I turn back the clock and ever really, deep down believe that I'm okay with alcohol in my life?

42cat, that is an amazing story, and I'm so glad you survived to tell it.

It feels good to have had an alcohol free day today!

Sara

[woody14]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

I was binge drinking since I was 15 years old and now 47. I could have one glass of wine or one beer at home most nights but as soon as I was out with friends 3-6 hard drinks per night was easy. It is the anxiety it creates for me thinking about it and beating myself up after. When I reviewed a journal that was nearing it's end and for two years I had been writing that I needed to drink less or not at all but still hadn't done anything about it....that was a wake up call! I'm tired of wasting time,money and never feeling well mentally or physically. There is so much more I can do with my life not drinking. That's why I am back to day one today. Kind of glad last night did not go well now I really know that moderation is not gonig to be an option for me.

[ZORBA SKOTSEZOS]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Every evening for probably 30 years,usually about 16-18 units per night,plus many years of daily cannabis use,more lsd trips than i can remember,morphine use when i could get it and after 4 al detoxes in the past 2 years and recently 55 days al free ,bought a bottle of voddy 5 nights ago ,drank it that night and have been back to square one again.I see a psychologist weekly and have a very understanding GP.I know i have to nip this in the bud very soon and get back to being al free.

[Doggygirl]

How Much Did/Do You Drink

Strength and hope to you Zorba, Woody, and anyone else who needs some today. Freedom from the grip of AL is worth doing whatever it takes to get there. At least that's how it is for me.

Sara, no I do not want to strangle you. If what you decide you want is sobriety, then all I want to do is provide whatever support I can to help you get there. The only person's drinking that I am responsible for is mine.

DG