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[K9Lover]

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[K9Lover]

The Truth

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[tiptronic_ct]

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Hey, K9

Yeah: the realisation that life doesn't magically getter better all by itself after the "honeymoon" period of being sober hits hard, huh?

I came crashing down about 30 / 40 days after getting sober. It was then that the realisation hit me: in my case, becoming sober was the very 1st step only. I had an entire journey to face. Dealing with the issues that set me on the path to excess in the 1st place, dealing with damaged relationships, discovering who the hell I really am, etc. etc. etc.

When I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, he diagnosed major depression. That set of a series of events which saw me going through a process of psychotherapy for over 14 months. Today I'm a totally different person. Life isn't perfect, but I don't think I would want it that way in any case. But life IS eminently better than when I was simply chasing a short and ultimately disappointing "buzz".

Have you considered options like CBT, or even anti-depressants?

[mario]

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Well k9 my life got very significant better as it was going downhill slowly but surely. I dont expect miracles and i dont expect the world to change but i can certainly live and deal with it from a much better place, sorry your having such negative thoughts about your own sobriety but may i ask what were you expecting to get from being sober ?

[anon]

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So sorry you feel this way K9. Having had 40 years of excessive drinking being hangover free is such a joy. I still have bloody awful things in my life but for me drinking did not change stuff for the better.
I always get so much from your posts as they are always seem so honest.

[sapphire1]

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K9 Life sure is short and problem drinking is one way to make it even shorter. Damaged health, damaged relationships, drink driving and being unreliable is no way to live.

[madmans]

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it depends what you consider as wonderful. wonderful for me is the fact i can mind my kids sober ,the fact i wont drive drunk and either kill someone or myself and leave mine/other peoples kids with out a parent. being sober is not like winning the lotto but i bet if you asked someone who has lost a child,wife or husband because of drink to have them back would be like winning the lotto. sometimes we cant see what we have untill it gone .

[stirly-girly]

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K9Lover;1023465 wrote: Sorry to be the one to say this, but everyone here preaches the benefits of being sober, how life improves, things get miraculously better. I've been sober for 9 months. It doesnt happen. I'm sorry, I just dont get it anymore. I've been sober for the majority of the year, and frankly, I liked it better when I got a buzz. I just cant preach about sobriety anymore, I'm sorry.

K9Lover;1023470 wrote: Nohing wonderful happens when you quit drinking, there's no light that leads the way. Life is short...if you need to drink then so be it. sorry.
I'm sorry to see that you're struggling again but I just have to remind you of a few things you posted recently.

K9Lover;959887 wrote: Ugh. As I was getting dressed this morning I saw all my bruises from my last relapse when I fell in the shower. Then these posts from a thread you started November 26th with the title "AAArrrrghhh". I've simply copied and pasted your words from that thread. Is this what you mean by missing the buzz?

K9Lover;1011125 wrote: I completely messed up. I've been drinking for the last 6 nights. Feel like crap!

Even worse is that I drove around last night completely hammered. I'm hating myself right now, but thankful nothing "bad" happened.
K9Lover;1011150 wrote:
I posted some mean messages on Facebook so I had to deactivate my account to get rid of them.

The worst is the driving though. My daughter was asleep and didn't even know I was gone. Thank GOD I came home.

K9Lover;1011169 wrote:
Oh and last night while I was out and about in an inebriated state, I apparently took $200 out of the bank, I have $45 left in my wallet (????). I probably gave it away or something.

It's good that you posted what happened and I just wanted again to remind you of your thoughts after you got back on board. This is what you need to concentrate on, not that "buzz" that always leads to disaster.
K9Lover;1011186 wrote: Thank you all SOOO much. I knew I just had to unload and get this all on the table. And you all mean so much to me, you truly are my friends. I really, really need to just be honest with you guys when I do! I like to think that this is not "normal" for me and that I will receive help, and not criticism....which is exactly what happened. I am so thankful for all of you. I can stop this insanity. I've done it before and I WILL do it again. I am starting to feel better, both mentally and physically. Just getting it all out there really helps. Thank you all for being my friends. :h

K9Lover;1011191 wrote: Thanks Doggy, it's really true that the only one we need to think about is the "first" one. Gosh, I was so happy and content when I wasn't drinking, why would I intentionally do that to myself....start the misery all over again?
Something is apparently missing that I'm trying to cover up with alcohol, I just need to figure out what it is. If only it were that easy. I tried therapy when I first quit, but the truth is that I just didn't have that much to talk about. Weird.

K9Lover;1011389 wrote: Well I just took 2 Antabuse pills, a little later than planned because I had a nice long nap. I have tried it both ways, first thing in the morning, and early afternoon. I just feel it works better for me in the afternoon...dont know why, but I never went off it on that schedule. So for the next 7 days I will take 2 pills a day, then down to one. I'm so thankful I have it available. Actually, I'm thankful for a lot of things today. Last night could have been disastrous, and although I'm upset about giving away some money, that's nothing compared to what a DUI would have cost...in so many ways.

I don't want to come across as being harsh and unfeeling or sarcastic. I simply want you to remember your own words.
Unfortunately, we all struggle at times. But saying that life without alcohol is nothing wonderful and if you want to drink, do so, IMHO has no place on this forum. Yes it is your own opinion and you are entitled to post it but I really wish you had thought over what the results of those two posts could be. If I was someone who had just found MWO or a Newbie trying to get a few AF days under my belt, I would be completely put off by your words. This is a time of year when many people are struggling to get through parties and family gatherings where AL is flowing freely and they're trying to get through it and stay sober. I do hope your words won't affect their efforts to stay AF.
I hope you can get back on track and that this is just a "bump in the road" or something. A small buzz from AL can be an enjoyable thing if we can stop at that small buzz. Unfortunately for most of us, yourself included it seems, we can't. We just spiral out of control. THAT "buzz" I don't miss not one little bit.

P.S. Ditto what Madmans said. Well put.

[Popeye]

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Hi K9,
Sobriety is the normal state for us human beings. There's nothing magical about it. I spent so long drunk that I came to see that as normal for me and it's not. Sometimes life seems like shit and at others it's wonderful, in the simplest sense of the word.
We all know why we're here. Because we drink too much. We do this for many reasons. Often we feel our lives are dull and unfulfilled or we have self-esteem issues or problems with relationships, or maybe we just like the buzz and go too far in social surroundings and make fools of ourselves. Whatever the reason, it will always be there if we keep drinking too much. We want someone to take away the pain that it causes, but there's nobody that can do that except ourselves.
When you have a really bad toothache, it seems like that's all there is and you feel like sawing your head off just to make it go away. When you go to the dentist and the pain goes it's such a relief and everything is so much better...for a while, and then you forget about how bad your toothache was and how good it was to have it taken away. You remember feeling something good, but not the overwhelming gratitude and joy of being free from pain.
If we do manage to get a grip of our behaviour and contol our drinking, the rest of life dosn't automatically improve. We have to work at it. We have to find our role and live it. Ultimately, we are all on our own. How we live is decided by us and us alone, and if it isn't, it should be. We all live our lives gaining experience along the way and learning what's right, for us. We can stick with it, or we can choose another way, gaining more self-knowledge, but it takes strength and fortitude to buck the trend and stick to what you find to be good and right, for you.
I honestly believe that everything we need for happiness is already inside us. We don't need other people to tell us what that is, we just need to realise it and utilise it.
I really hope you can find the courage to be yourself; to be that lovely person I've come to respect and admire as a fighter. It takes a while, but you can be who you want to be.

[hillsidetime]

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Hi K9, life, be it sober or not, is different for everyone. I have been sober for 10 months, and I have to say that my experience has been different than yours. Since that time here are improvements in my life that are directly related to being sober: better relationship with my wife, more engaged meaningful parenting of my children, more self esteem, re-gaining slowly some of the dignity I lossed due to drinking and bad decisions, better performance at work, my memory is returning to me, my lexicon and use of words is returning, no poison in my body, I have hit the gym 5 times a week, healthy nutrition daily (because I am not hungover), thanks from my loved ones, $ 2000 in saved money, red flushed lines in my cheeks and noes are gone, shaky hands gone, no more pain in my stomach, no more heart burn, no more sneaking around feeling guilty hiding booze breath, no more wasted late nights drinking by myself, - and I could go on.

No this is not a miracle, but it is wonderful. It is not easy, and it is not for everyone.

Hill

[gyco]

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k-9,i cant preach to you about sobriety my best attempt was 2 years,i had 16 years sobriety b4 i had my 1st drink,that was as a kid,did i have sobriety,i remember saying to people here it is not easy,forever is a long time.specially when many friends indulge,or at every occassion everyones drinking or drugging.we live in a not so perfect world,the key word is CHOICE my dear,choice not to ,choice to moderate,or lets face it there is also a choice to get DRUNK,th old saying you are your own liqoir control board,no matter which way you go,will be here gyco think about the merry christmas you want

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

The Truth

Wow I am blown away by the excellent replies here. K9 I really do hope it clicks into place for you.
Be kind to yourself.
KTAB

[Brigitte Bardot]

The Truth

Hi there K9.
Becoming sober is not a magic pill as you well know. Things don't heal over night, you don't suddenly become happier, your problems don't fix themselves and sometimes life still does suck. There is no changing the harsh truth of reality.

But wouldn't it be nice to experience life the way it's supposed to be felt, instead of in an alcohol induced state? Don't you want to love again the thrill of life the way you used to instead of jonesing for the next drink? Sure, it will numb the pain...for a while. But it will come back and with a vengence because this time you'll have the guilt, the remorse, the shame and all the bad moments that come with it from drinking. The apologizing for causing all the fights, the driving while under the influence, the sick mornings and lost days, the blackouts..sounds like fun doesn't it? Pretty glamourious...the dried out skin and hair, poor complexion and prounced lines, bad breath and heartburn, the shaky hands and not being able to eat properly, the glassy blood shot eyes and the inability to not be accounted for if god forbid something were to happen and you couldn't react. That...that, scares me the most.

I hope you rethink, everyone here has such a great input and really cares about you. Stirly's post is brilliant, maybe read that over a couple of times.

I wish you peace today and clarity,

[caysea]

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Hi All
K9 sorry your experiencing a bad day in your battle.Just an observation of what happened to me at one of my attempts to get sober. From what I have read on the boards you are using antabuse. It is an aid to helping you to stop drinking. It will do that because of the outcome of what will happen to you if you drink while taking it. I was sober for 6 months while I was on antabuse. In that time period I didn't do the work required to live a sober life. I relied on the pill. I hadn't grown I hadn't changed my relationship with al. I had just stopped drinking. I wound up drinking again because the sober life "my sober life" sucked. Stopping drinking is but one aspect of getting sober. It is a change in lifestyle that is required. A change in perspective on life. That doesn't come from a pill that comes from hard work. This can be harder than just the aspect of stopping drinking. It has to be done. Use the pill at first if you have to but work on the changes that have to occur in your life to live a sober life.
I put this out their to the others using antabuse. It is a tool but learn from my mistake and do the work needed to live a sober life.

Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
AF 5-16-08

[FancyC]

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K-9, Just wanted to tell you that I'll be thinking of you! Lots of people on your side here.