Never Drinking Again...

[rejc]

I'm sober.

7 Days.

I'm achieving.

I'm nervous.

I feel successful.

I can't function.

I've never done this before.

No one understands.

I'm panicking.

I just want to be happy.

Everyone else is drinking.

Why can't I drink?

Am I an idiot?

Everyone else is relaxed.

I'm shaking.

I just want to be normal.

Friend buys me a drink.

How can i refuse??

One can't hurt.

Can It?

....

I've drunk 12.

How could that happen?


Not again..

[madmans]

Never Drinking Again...

Hi Rejc, here everone understands. one is never enough for most people here . keep reading and posting lots of people here ready to help, understand.

[JackieClaire]

Never Drinking Again...

:welcome: rejc,

Just saying hello. Not going to overload you with advice at the moment. But you've come to a place where everyone understands. Glad to have you here. Keep posting and let us get to know you.

J x
:l

[kelvie]

Never Drinking Again...

Hi Rejc,
I'm new here too, stick around, read, post, whetever, there is a lot to be found here and some really decent human beings to support you. Be proud of your 7 days sober, you can start again from now. How did it happen ? Because that's how it is with alcohol for most of us here, we don't have an off switch once we start... How to stop it happening again ? Well, being here is a good start. Btw, if you were an idiot you wouldn't have tried to stop drinking or have posted here. Best wishes & welcome

[SoFlo1]

Never Drinking Again...

rejc;1025828 wrote:
I just want to be happy.

Everyone else is drinking.

Why can't I drink?

Am I an idiot?

Everyone else is relaxed.

I'm shaking.

I just want to be normal.

Wow, you captured those feelings perfectly - I know exactly where you're coming from. It's taken me a while to realized that in fact everyone else is not as relaxed as I think, not as happy as I think and drink in social situations for the same reasons I would.

Look closer at the lives of those around you and how alcohol touches them. You may find, as I did, many cracks in the facade even for "normal" people. Just last night a buddy stopped by with some beers after drinking all afternoon. He was in better form that I might have been but still really lit. Come to find out today that his wife had dinner alone because of it, was expecting the kids to be home for some Christmas stuff and is understandably pissed off today. OK, as a one-off, maybe just a stupid "guy mistake", but I've seen this kind of thing happen with him more than once.

OK, so my point - this is a guy I really like, someone who is a natural life of the party, has tons of friends, lots going on, etc. I don't know if he's an alcoholic or not, and that's not really the point. The point is he's apparently not as confident and comfortable around people as I thought and his reliance on alcohol (never seen him without a drink) is starting to take it's toll.

So, don't take it for granted that everyone else is comfortable and relaxed in these settings. It does get a lot better, though, and I'm able to navigate Christmas parties and the like pretty OK now. And I don't pay the price the next day. Not a bad trade - a little uncomfortable that night but pure joy the next day... not to mention the personality growth that happens when you confront scary social situations without a crutch.

[Dewdrop]

Never Drinking Again...

Hi recj

:welcome: and a big hello, keep checking in and read as many threads as you can, you can do this.

Dewdrop :h

[Sunnyvalenting]

Never Drinking Again...

I like how you put it out there like a poem. Sort of makes me think more about what is happening "between the lines".
How are you doing today?
BTW, you are not an idiot, you are addicted to alcohol. It happens. That's why were here. Addiction is virtually defined by acting against our better judgment.
Best of luck.
Sunny

[Pride before Fall]

Never Drinking Again...

Below is a loooong excerpt, Rej, but one of the clearest explanations I've seen of the brain changes caused by alcohol, and why 'willpower' just doesn't cut it after a point. Getting help (medication, therapy, support groups, whatever it takes) is a vital component of successful sobriety, I think. Going it alone did nothing for me--failure, over and over again as you describe. You've taken the first step by reaching out. Glad you're here!

xoxo Pride
______________________

From Why People Use Drugs and Some Cannot Stop (Anton R. Law, Medicine, and Ethics, December 2010)

There have been an abundance of theories over the years as to why people use substances that in the short or long run are not good for them or the people around Brains of alcohol-addicted individuals respond strongly to the rewarding/reinforcing effects of alcohol and that, similar to animals, there is likely to be a different chemistry in the brain in those brain areas with the prime suspect being dopamine activation.

The two most cogent modern biological theories based on hard science are the reward/reinforcement theory14 and the stress-reduction theory.15 The former posits that all substances of abuse share several things in common: they make people feel good (perhaps some more than others), and susceptible individuals want more (i.e., drugs are reinforcing, a behavioral term that essentially means that an environmental event, or drug in this case, is so favorably perceived that there is a motivation by the individual to seek it out again and again). The stress-reduction theory posits that the normal stress of every day life (job, marriage, money) as well as abnormal stress of severe events (rape, assault, war, accidents) can be relieved by the use of a substance, and that this relief in and of itself is rewarding, causing the individual to seek out the substance again and again to provide relief of the stress.

Modern neuroscience has studied abused substances in animals (that easily learn to drink alcohol or to self-administer opiates and other stimulants) finding that all abused substances elevate a brain neurotransmitter called dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, a dime-sized area of the brain dubbed the ?pleasure-center.? It is also known that after repeated use of these substances, not only the substance itself but also the environmental ?cues? associated with the substance (sight and smell of alcohol or needles, etc.), will also increase dopamine in the nucleus accumbens. There have been many experiments done in various animal species that support these findings. In essence, the animal and by extension the human, with continued use of reinforcing substances will ?sensitize? to the rewarding/ reinforcing effects of these substances quite out of their conscious or willful awareness that this is happening. This pure biological phenomenon might be prevented initially through various external means, but once far enough along, it is hard to reverse. In fact, in animals there appears to be a long-term memory of the reinforcing nature of rewarding substances. This means, once this sensitization occurs, the brain might be changed for life.

The clinical meaning of this phenomenon is that a person could never go back to controlled use of the substance, and perhaps related substances. A prime example of this is a smoker (nicotine powerfully increases dopamine in the nucleus accumbens) who quits, only to relapse many years later without any conscious thought of doing so. In the human, this phenomenon has been studied using modern brain imaging technology.

For instance, we have used functional brain imaging, a technique that can measure second by second changes in nerve cell activation in small brain regions using magnetic resonance imaging techniques (fMRI). This is a well-accepted technique for evaluating how the brain is functioning in fully awake and conscious humans. We have utilized this in alcoholics and many others have done similar studies in cocaine, methamphetamine, nicotine, and opiate addicts.16 In our studies, we give social drinkers and mildly alcohol dependent individuals a taste of alcohol and then show them pictures of alcoholic beverages or non-alcoholic beverages and compare the differences in brain nerve cell activation. We found that alcoholics show an increased brain activity in the nucleus accumbens (the pleasure center) when viewing alcohol pictures but not when viewing non-alcoholic beverage pictures.17 Social drinkers do not show any differential activation when viewing alcoholic beverages or non-alcoholic beverages (see Figure 1).

We also showed that the urge to drink reported after viewing the pictures was related to the magnitude of the activation in the nucleus accumbens and several other areas of the brain that remember the past experiences of alcohol use. The interpretation of this work is that brains of alcohol-addicted individuals respond strongly to the rewarding/reinforcing effects of alcohol and that, similar to animals, there is likely to be a different chemistry in the brain in those brain areas with the prime suspect being dopamine activation. Others have postulated that chronic and excessive use of substances that elevate dopamine in pleasure centers will leave this important neurotransmitter deficient when the substance use is stopped (e.g., during attempts at abstinence), and that deficiency might underlie the craving to use the substance once again ? i.e., to feel ?normal.?

Work done utilizing a second powerful brain imaging tool called Positron Emission Tomography (PET scanning), which measures the binding of a dopamine-like drug to its receptors, has shown differences in the dopamine system between non-drug abusing volunteers compared to those who chronically used cocaine, methamphetamine, heroin, or alcohol.18 It has been hypothesized based on this work and other experiments done with humans and animals,19 that these changes in the dopamine system lead to changes in other areas of the brain dealing with evaluation of saliency and motivation that in turn lead to craving and a loss of control over the use of substances, while substituting the reward of substances for the natural rewards of daily living (love, food, sex, money, etc.).

The net result of this brain pathology is a ?hijacking? by alcohol and drugs of the normal hedonic (pleasure generating) response to life, leading to a compulsive desire to use alcohol or drugs. Since much of this ?addiction pathology? occurs in more primitive areas of the brain out of conscious awareness (which is normally centered in higher brain regions of the cortex), it is generally accepted that much of this compulsive urge/craving to use drugs is out of conscious awareness. It is the goal of treatment to either suppress this compulsive urge/craving to use a substance with a medication, that is not itself addictive, and/or to bring this compulsive urge into conscious awareness so modifications can be made.20

The second major theory is the stress-reduction theory of substance abuse. This is similar to the colloquial idea that ?people use drugs to escape from their problems.? It is becoming increasingly clear that some individuals are genetically and developmentally more sensitive and prone to ?stress.? Recent evidence suggests that childhood trauma (physical/sexual abuse, accidents, war, and perhaps poverty in general) makes people less resilient to stress and more prone to stressful reactions as adults.21 These individuals and other adults who did not experience stressful events as children but who have significant and or repeated stress as adults are at higher risk for substance abuse.22 A recent, stark example of this is the increased rates of binge drinking and alcohol problems in those soldiers with the greatest combat exposure in Iraq.23 In these individuals, brain active substances might be experienced as being more pleasurable against a background of ?emotional pain,? or in the case of sedatives or alcohol might actually cause acute lifting of depression, reduction of anxiety and intrusive memories, and initial improvement of sleep. However, these initial reactions are just a sirens-song since, upon continued use, the substances are likely to increase stress and to cause the exact symptoms that they are initially meant to reduce. Consequently, under this scenario the brain is abnormal to begin with (either through genetics or experience), and substance use is an attempt at normalization but can lead to increasing cycles of use, dysphoria, social stress, more use, and ultimately physical and psychological dependence.

Alcohol, possibly more than any other substance, causes brain toxicity at a much more gross/non-specific level. Possibly because alcohol disrupts brain cell membranes and growth, and possibly because it causes liver toxicity leading to a buildup of toxic chemicals in the brain as well as a reduction in essential vitamins and minerals, there is measurable brain tissue loss with chronic alcohol use. It has been shown that chronic alcoholics have a loss of grey matter (neuronal cell loss) in many areas of the brain that are associated with abnormalities observed in memory, special function, and judgment.24 What this means clinically is that alcoholics drinking at a certain level may not think clearly, and deficits in the frontal lobe area of the brain might lead to the inability to recognize the effect that drinking is having on their lives (often referred to clinically as ?denial?).

Historically and to some extent currently, ?denial? is viewed by some as a willful or semiconscious attempt to avoid abstinence, social stigma, and economic and social consequences. However, a more enlightened view might include the actual brain damage caused by alcohol (as detailed above) as being one factor underlying the inability to judge the seriousness of alcohol consequences on one?s life and functioning. Additionally, these individuals may lack the motivation and/ or will to stop drinking. This is why for some severe or susceptible alcohol dependent individuals, the only way the brain can recover enough function to fight the disease is to be free of alcohol for a protracted period of time, sometimes requiring a long hospitalization/ rehab stay. In an eye-opening development, recent evidence also suggests that the adolescent brain, one that is continuously maturing and molding at the cellular level, might be even more sensitive to the ?toxic effects? of alcohol.25

The bottom line for alcohol is that it can cause a number of brain abnormalities. As discussed above, it can ?hijack? the normal motivational system,26 cause poor judgment and reduce inhibition of response in the normal ?watch dog? areas of the brain,27 and lead to addiction through attempts at stress reduction.28 The net result is a loss of control over substance use and a need, in more severe cases, for external intervention. Of course, individuals that use both alcohol and other substances, such as cocaine or heroin, are even more vulnerable to these effects.29 Also, the use of alcohol by individuals with other psychiatric conditions that affect the brain, such as schizophrenia and bipolar illness, can lead to the need for more clinical services and complicate the treatment of both illnesses.30

[kelvie]

Never Drinking Again...

Hows it going Rejc ?

Pride - Oufffffffffffff !!! Thank you, that ties up with so much i've been trying to make sense of !!
Btw have you looked into the relationship between alcohol and smoking, (says she rolling another cigarette having kicked the habit... til i started drinking again :$)

Investigating separate and joint effects of alcohol and tobacco on the nucleus accumbens

if my brain cell ever wakes up again i'd really like to make better sense of all this...

[kelvie]

Never Drinking Again...

Hows it going Rejc ?

Sunnyvalenting - agree with what you said

Pride - ouffffffffffffff, THANK YOU !! that ties up with so much i've been trying to wrap my head around, thank you. Btw have you looked into the relationship between Al & nicotene ?

Investigating separate and joint effects of alcohol and tobacco on the nucleus accumbens

if my brain cell ever wakes up, i'd really like to make better sense of all this !!

[Pride before Fall]

Never Drinking Again...

That's interesting, Kelv! Even our drugs of abuse are co-dependent. ; ) I read another study recently that found people who quit smoking were more likely to be abstinent from alcohol (following an AL treatment program) than those who continued smoking. If I can find it, I'll send you the link.

Kev, some MWO links here that help me a lot when my brain starts to spin its sticky little addict web:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ing-22609.html
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ndi-22388.html