That's exactly how I feel.
I came to this site for the first time 3 years ago. I'm still drinking but now on anti-depressants, left my relationship, moved to a new country, started studying Chinese Medicine (miserable that I can't in all honesty be able to practice this when I have such a terrible addiction).
My drinking has got completely out of control in the last year or so. I quit for 10 weeks last August and then got back on it and since then have been getting through immense amounts. I hide bottles around the house, I had to dispose of them in bins in town so my roommate didn't know, now I live by myself so no limits to what I can and can't consume. Had a boyfriend earlier this year who has been unbelievably supportive but doesn't know how to help me.
Actually, I don't know how to help myself. Over the years I've tried moderation, abstinence, hypnosis, counselling, AA, self help books, MWO, Allen Carr, nutritional therapy....the list goes on and on. I'm afraid I will kill myself through drinking.
I used to be very vibrant and happy. Everything has been grey for such a long time. I fear never being able to recapture a feeling of purpose and happiness. I'm really frightened by what I'm doing to myself. I've pretty much stopped doing everything that I used to enjoy. Had some hard conversations with my parents recently. They know what I am up to and have confronted me about it. I resented that because I knew they were right and I was scared that I couldn't meet their expectations. I said I was going to quit before Christmas. They were supposed to visit me but got stuck with all the Heathrow problems. So here I am, still drinking and wondering how long this narrow version of life can continue. I was supposed to go to a party tonight but threw up about an hour beforehand having slept most of the day. Could it be anything to do with getting wrecked last night?
Urgh. I don't know why I'm posting this. I have a load of wine in the house which I will probably drink so apologies to all those of you who are making headway. Also very shocked to read about some of the members who have passed away since I joined the site. Makes me very sad. I don't want to do that to myself.
Anyway, just wanted to 'voice' some stuff. I can't see myself quitting right now so am sorry for posting here where people are trying to quit. Good Luck all!
Wishing everyone a happy Christmas and all the best for 2011
Bean
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