Opposite of suicidal

[Bean]

I saw a great thing on Post Secret last year (PostSecret) - the author said they felt the opposite of suicidal; that they felt so dead inside and they wanted to be alive.
That's exactly how I feel.

I came to this site for the first time 3 years ago. I'm still drinking but now on anti-depressants, left my relationship, moved to a new country, started studying Chinese Medicine (miserable that I can't in all honesty be able to practice this when I have such a terrible addiction).

My drinking has got completely out of control in the last year or so. I quit for 10 weeks last August and then got back on it and since then have been getting through immense amounts. I hide bottles around the house, I had to dispose of them in bins in town so my roommate didn't know, now I live by myself so no limits to what I can and can't consume. Had a boyfriend earlier this year who has been unbelievably supportive but doesn't know how to help me.

Actually, I don't know how to help myself. Over the years I've tried moderation, abstinence, hypnosis, counselling, AA, self help books, MWO, Allen Carr, nutritional therapy....the list goes on and on. I'm afraid I will kill myself through drinking.

I used to be very vibrant and happy. Everything has been grey for such a long time. I fear never being able to recapture a feeling of purpose and happiness. I'm really frightened by what I'm doing to myself. I've pretty much stopped doing everything that I used to enjoy. Had some hard conversations with my parents recently. They know what I am up to and have confronted me about it. I resented that because I knew they were right and I was scared that I couldn't meet their expectations. I said I was going to quit before Christmas. They were supposed to visit me but got stuck with all the Heathrow problems. So here I am, still drinking and wondering how long this narrow version of life can continue. I was supposed to go to a party tonight but threw up about an hour beforehand having slept most of the day. Could it be anything to do with getting wrecked last night?

Urgh. I don't know why I'm posting this. I have a load of wine in the house which I will probably drink so apologies to all those of you who are making headway. Also very shocked to read about some of the members who have passed away since I joined the site. Makes me very sad. I don't want to do that to myself.

Anyway, just wanted to 'voice' some stuff. I can't see myself quitting right now so am sorry for posting here where people are trying to quit. Good Luck all!
Wishing everyone a happy Christmas and all the best for 2011
Bean

[lil.michelle]

Opposite of suicidal

First, i wish you a merry christmas.
You need to stop now. You need to get rid of all the AL in the house. You've got to chase what you want and you need to do it yourself. There is NO mirricle cure. Only people on this site that has had enough of what this liquid has done and have gotton off there asses to get sober. It's bloody hard, most likely the hardest thing most people have ever had to confront, realise, acklowdge and treat. It isa life battle but it CAN be won. You just need to want to it, to stop feeling sorry for yourself ( AL has a good way of doing this) realising that you are an amazing strong person who has LOADS going for them but the next few months will be hard as yolu stop AL for life.
you can do it but only if you really want to. STOP making accuses why you drink or buy the drink. Be sober this christams!
Have you tried antabuse?

[Seethepony]

Opposite of suicidal

Baclofen, baclofen, baclofen.

[Brigitte Bardot]

Opposite of suicidal

Hi Bean, it's scary reaching a point where you think you just don't feel anything anymore. You don't find joy in the simple things, even larger suprises or hard earned just don't seem to do it for you anymore..you just feel numb. Have you talked to a doctor about how you're feeling? I don't know what else to say since you've said you've tried everything else. All I can say is that I'm here if you ever want to talk, or someone just to listen to you. I know you know that the Alcohol will just sink you deeper into the void, have you considered removing it from your house? That would be a first good step since the access wouldn't be so easy. Wishing you all the best..

[Doggygirl]

Opposite of suicidal

Hi Bean. There was a time when I too could have written your post. I know that feeling your describe of life being narrow and "dead" feeling - where there is just no "life" to life any more. I hope you find your way out. Sounds like you have tried many approaches - have you tried Bac?

I hope you find your way out. The alternative is grim.

DG

[Popeye]

Opposite of suicidal

Hello Bean,
That feeling of 'Grey' you mentioned...
I can relate to that so well.
For a long time, all the colour and sparkle left my life and it seemed that it wouldn't come back. Even after I stopped getting drunk every night trying to colour myself happy, there was still...a lacking. It's coming back now, but I've had to work at motivating myself; at finding that feeling again, the one I got as a kid during the summer holidays, when nothing could dampen my spirits and everything was an adventure. That spirit's still there, lurking behind the shadows of mundane, adult living, and I can let it loose whenever I feel like it. I have found that sitting around and just expecting things to get brighter didn't work, so I actively seek that feeling and often find it.
There are no good times to be found in a bottle for me. Just a route back to Greyness.
Keep looking.
Make your flesh strong and I'm sure you'll find your spirit willing.
Merry Christmas.

[Rocky]

Opposite of suicidal

I am like you....

Bean;1027174 wrote: I saw a great thing on Post Secret last year (PostSecret) - the author said they felt the opposite of suicidal; that they felt so dead inside and they wanted to be alive.
That's exactly how I feel.

I came to this site for the first time 3 years ago. I'm still drinking but now on anti-depressants, left my relationship, moved to a new country, started studying Chinese Medicine (miserable that I can't in all honesty be able to practice this when I have such a terrible addiction).

My drinking has got completely out of control in the last year or so. I quit for 10 weeks last August and then got back on it and since then have been getting through immense amounts. I hide bottles around the house, I had to dispose of them in bins in town so my roommate didn't know, now I live by myself so no limits to what I can and can't consume. Had a boyfriend earlier this year who has been unbelievably supportive but doesn't know how to help me.

Actually, I don't know how to help myself. Over the years I've tried moderation, abstinence, hypnosis, counselling, AA, self help books, MWO, Allen Carr, nutritional therapy....the list goes on and on. I'm afraid I will kill myself through drinking.

I used to be very vibrant and happy. Everything has been grey for such a long time. I fear never being able to recapture a feeling of purpose and happiness. I'm really frightened by what I'm doing to myself. I've pretty much stopped doing everything that I used to enjoy. Had some hard conversations with my parents recently. They know what I am up to and have confronted me about it. I resented that because I knew they were right and I was scared that I couldn't meet their expectations. I said I was going to quit before Christmas. They were supposed to visit me but got stuck with all the Heathrow problems. So here I am, still drinking and wondering how long this narrow version of life can continue. I was supposed to go to a party tonight but threw up about an hour beforehand having slept most of the day. Could it be anything to do with getting wrecked last night?

Urgh. I don't know why I'm posting this. I have a load of wine in the house which I will probably drink so apologies to all those of you who are making headway. Also very shocked to read about some of the members who have passed away since I joined the site. Makes me very sad. I don't want to do that to myself.

Anyway, just wanted to 'voice' some stuff. I can't see myself quitting right now so am sorry for posting here where people are trying to quit. Good Luck all!
Wishing everyone a happy Christmas and all the best for 2011
Bean

[hillsidetime]

Opposite of suicidal

Hi Bean, your post is very honest and very open. You appear to have a good understanding of what your situation is, and that at some point, sooner rather than later, you will need to stop (if you wish to have the type of life that you want to have).

Victor Frankl wrote that as long as we have hope, we can survive, we can find meaning in life and battle through tremendous tough times. Keep your hope Bean. We are here to help you when you are ready. If ever you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me if you like. Merry Christmas,
Hill