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Day One of my new life

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    Day One of my new life

    hello all!

    i'm glad to be here, again, years later. today i am sober and relieved and scared and sad about all those hours and moments i've missed because i wasn't present, i was buzzed or stone cold drunk. for twenty years i have been a problem drinker, but was getting away with it because huge consequences didn't slam me in the face. (boy was i lucky! or not?)

    but my soul has suffered tremendously. my self esteem has been shot, flatlined. it's gone right now but i'm building it back up each moment i stay sober. i'm doing it for me, and for my four year old son who needs a full-time mommy. oh i feel so sad that he has smelled booze on my breath since he was 8 months old. not every day, but too often. my excuses for drinking: i'm getting divorced; i'm hungry; i'm lonely; it does'nt hurt anyone but me (bullshit!). the price i've paid: pallor in my face; red in my face; GUILT; more loneliness; isolation; heartache; dehydration; self-loathing. jeez, why would i ask for all of that??!! here i am choosing a better life. right now.

    i shall keep my vibrations high, and my belly full enough to resist the quick sugar to my blood and warm gooey feeling i got from vodka and beer. i hate those words. i hate those liquids that could ruin my life. i love life, i mean i want to love life again. i want to love myself again. why i traded it: this stinking disease, that's why. but i can beat it. i WILL beat it. i will get back to a feeling of innocence and dignity and self-love that i miss so much. starting right now.

    thank you for reading, for being there, for being on this journey with me. bless you all and bless me. this year will be so much happier with me fully in it, sober. right? Right!
    give thanks.
    RudyB

    #2
    Day One of my new life

    It will be!!! Wow, your story really touches my heart and make me feel for you. I too was drunk from when my little girl was about 3 months old and she's now 3. I would get a few odd weeks AF under my belt then make an excuse to drink, stupid excuses. The only real sober time i had was when i fell pregnant with my son. 9 months AF, no cravings nothing. Then i had him and BANG, excuses, excuses. I realised that i was missing so much and that i had the will power to stop otherwise i would have drunk when i was pregnant. SO here i am 60 days sober and it's fantastic. Just the fact that i'm a good mum now is worth it.
    If I can do it, you can do it!
    Stay close!!!! We're all here for you!

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      #3
      Day One of my new life

      Hi & welcome back rudyb, stay close to the boards as we can all help one another.


      :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

      Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
      I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

      This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

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        #4
        Day One of my new life

        thanks so much for your replies
        lil michelle, thank you especially for sharing that you drank too with a little one. that is the hardest for me to accept about myself. all those not-present moments... argh but god spirit higher power call it what you will - no higher being wants me to gnaw on the crust of the past. i resolutely put from me my past failures. today holds great possibility for hope and joy. i'm thinking about your 60 days, adn know that in 59 i will have them too. I WILL.
        thanks again for rooting for me, for rooting for us
        rudyb

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          #5
          Day One of my new life

          I'm rooting for you too, RubyB. The first few days are hard but it sounds like you've made your decision and are prepared to do what needs to be done. Wishing you the best.
          Alcohol Free since 11/29/10!

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            #6
            Day One of my new life

            Rudy - I feel the pain in your post but also the determination, to be a good and present mum to a 4 year old is the biggest reason in the world and so is doing it for yourself because AF life is wonderful!

            Your self worth will return so will the dignity and confidence. These are just a few of the many things AL robs us of. Waking up AF and seeing the hydration quickly returning to your body as the bloating disappears are all incentives to keep going. It's going to be great.....
            "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
            AF - JAN 1st 2010
            NF - May 1996

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              #7
              Day One of my new life

              i love this place, you gals and guys and thank you so much. your words are balm for my weepin' soul. and thank you for reminding me about the bloating. i'm so psyched to fit into my jeans again, not to have to wiggle so much to get them on! here comes hydration!

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                #8
                Day One of my new life

                Hi RudyB, and welcome. Your post was very honest and open, and it really reminded me of exactly why I am fighting the battle against alcohol every day. My kids were 5 and 6 when I went sober; like you, I just didn't want my kids associating me and booze all the time (I used to have a beer glued to my hand). Like you, I am working on rebuilding me, trying to "find" me again. One day at a time. You can do it, hold fast. If you have any questions let us know.
                Hill
                Sober since Feb 7, 2010.

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