hello all!
i'm glad to be here, again, years later. today i am sober and relieved and scared and sad about all those hours and moments i've missed because i wasn't present, i was buzzed or stone cold drunk. for twenty years i have been a problem drinker, but was getting away with it because huge consequences didn't slam me in the face. (boy was i lucky! or not?)
but my soul has suffered tremendously. my self esteem has been shot, flatlined. it's gone right now but i'm building it back up each moment i stay sober. i'm doing it for me, and for my four year old son who needs a full-time mommy. oh i feel so sad that he has smelled booze on my breath since he was 8 months old. not every day, but too often. my excuses for drinking: i'm getting divorced; i'm hungry; i'm lonely; it does'nt hurt anyone but me (bullshit!). the price i've paid: pallor in my face; red in my face; GUILT; more loneliness; isolation; heartache; dehydration; self-loathing. jeez, why would i ask for all of that??!! here i am choosing a better life. right now.
i shall keep my vibrations high, and my belly full enough to resist the quick sugar to my blood and warm gooey feeling i got from vodka and beer. i hate those words. i hate those liquids that could ruin my life. i love life, i mean i want to love life again. i want to love myself again. why i traded it: this stinking disease, that's why. but i can beat it. i WILL beat it. i will get back to a feeling of innocence and dignity and self-love that i miss so much. starting right now.
thank you for reading, for being there, for being on this journey with me. bless you all and bless me. this year will be so much happier with me fully in it, sober. right? Right!
give thanks.
RudyB
i'm glad to be here, again, years later. today i am sober and relieved and scared and sad about all those hours and moments i've missed because i wasn't present, i was buzzed or stone cold drunk. for twenty years i have been a problem drinker, but was getting away with it because huge consequences didn't slam me in the face. (boy was i lucky! or not?)
but my soul has suffered tremendously. my self esteem has been shot, flatlined. it's gone right now but i'm building it back up each moment i stay sober. i'm doing it for me, and for my four year old son who needs a full-time mommy. oh i feel so sad that he has smelled booze on my breath since he was 8 months old. not every day, but too often. my excuses for drinking: i'm getting divorced; i'm hungry; i'm lonely; it does'nt hurt anyone but me (bullshit!). the price i've paid: pallor in my face; red in my face; GUILT; more loneliness; isolation; heartache; dehydration; self-loathing. jeez, why would i ask for all of that??!! here i am choosing a better life. right now.
i shall keep my vibrations high, and my belly full enough to resist the quick sugar to my blood and warm gooey feeling i got from vodka and beer. i hate those words. i hate those liquids that could ruin my life. i love life, i mean i want to love life again. i want to love myself again. why i traded it: this stinking disease, that's why. but i can beat it. i WILL beat it. i will get back to a feeling of innocence and dignity and self-love that i miss so much. starting right now.
thank you for reading, for being there, for being on this journey with me. bless you all and bless me. this year will be so much happier with me fully in it, sober. right? Right!
give thanks.
RudyB
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