Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

[Sona]

I am a little down today, just thought I'd share and see if anyone has gone through anything similar, if there's light at the end of the tunnel, maybe if some of you have had longer lengths of sober time you have nuggets of wisdom to help me out.

I'm not going to drink today. I am done with that. But this is about dealing with relationships and being scared to face people -- acquaintances or friends -- when you're loaded down with shame and guilt and just don't want to face them.

I love my church. We actually moved to this area specifically for this church years ago. It is not your average Christian church at all. The teaching is phenomenal, willing to admit they don't understand everything, but willing to dig into the context of the old stories and attempt to get at many truths that you just don't hear in other churches. They are especially concerned with those who are hurt, those in search of healing. It is wonderful teaching for those in recovery.

But I didn't go today. My wife/soon ex did take the kids, and I just couldn't go. Has nothing to do with theology or the church itself. It has to do with the fact that I've made such an ass out of myself that I can't face the people we usually go to church with. And I'll bet it is me, more than them -- that is, I know that in their hearts they want to see grace and healing pour over my life. But I just can't face them today.

Maybe it's just too early in my recovery to have to deal with this? Maybe this is something that the process of time will simply help out with?

AA teaches about amends, and perhaps that will need to fit into the picture as well. That I need to, at the very least, go to some of these friends and tell them I'm sorry, that I am aiming to be sober, that I am trying my hardest to be a better human, dad, husband or ex.

But this disease has humiliated me so much already that I just don't think I can handle any more right now. It takes a lot of humility to face the people you've let down. Perhaps this is just a question of Time.

So I'm a little down today. I'm not going to drink. But my wife/soon ex and my kids went without me to a place I love to hear great teaching, and I guess I'm afraid of having to be humbled -- once again -- and face our friends.

I'm looking forward to the journey in recovery, but this is an early aspect that I am really tripping over...

[mylife]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Hello Sona,

I'm fairly new here, too. I have been working on my sobriety since Nov 27, and I have to say in my experience EVERTHING starts to get better when I don't drink Alcohol. If you have spiritual convictions, then you probably know that you need to do everything you can to help yourself (not drink) and have faith that your higher power will resolve the rest.

Please read, post, drink plenty of non-AL fluids and you will start to feel better! Good luck with your journey.

[RudyB]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

i can understand your hesitation about facing people. i was at a family reunion a few days ago. functioned well in spite of lots of alcohol, until the end. i found myself in tears, crying over my nana who died two years ago, crying over my father who is so overweight from drinking day after day (he's so large and bloated it's hard to look at him), crying over the divorce i'm in and how much money it's going to cost me. i know my family -a lot of alcoholics themselves- probably won't judge me too harshly, but that doesn't erase my embarassment. the sad feelings were real, just out of control, liquidified so to speak. and i wouldn't have lost it if i hadn't been so buzzed.

so, i understand your reluctance to face people just yet. i think it's very important to take baby steps, to be kind to yourself. if you're newly sober it's pretty understandable i think to feel fragile and vulnerable. give yourself the time to heal and feel stronger before you put yourself in uncomfortable spaces -even if, like your church, they may be truly comfy places on a regular day. (What is that, though?!) i have some people to talk to about my tears, especially my brother, and i'm scared. i'm giving myself some time to fortify myself before i approach that conversation. i have experienced time to be an incredible healer, especially when lived without booze.

stay strong. keep the faith. we're here for each other so keep reaching out. i get so much out of these posts. i hope you do too. you're not alone.

rudyb

[dancelot]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Sona - It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. Work on getting sober first. You can work on the rest later. It is a process, and can be done in small steps. It will be easier with some sober time. Know too that in our sobriety, we can start doing more right things, rather than wrongs. We are human, we will still make mistakes, but they won't be so major once alcohol is out of the picture.

The AA amends are way down the line in the 12 steps (#9). There are 8 more before that, for a reason. It is a process (I do go to AA in addition to MWO, nutritional support, and have used also used the hypnosis CDs. AA is another tool in my tool box is all - whether anyone else does or doesn't is not of concern to me. I'm just familiar with it is all ). The amends in particular scared me - enough I wasn't sure I wanted to get a sponsor and go through this. Shame, embarrassment, fear played into it. I discussed this with the woman who is now my sponsor, and what she said was, by the time I get to that point, I will be in a much different place, and it will not be such an issue to deal with. I trust that when I get there, that will be the case. Meanwhile, I find the saying "do the next right thing" helpful. To me that means, maybe I can't fix every past error right at this moment (or maybe ever), but I can gradually change the current me into something positive. Positive baby steps are still walking forward. We sometimes forget our lives didn't get to this point overnight, nor will they magically be 100% better overnight. But they can be better, and they will be, if we do the work.

Trust that it is doable. I have 16 months sober, and starting out I could not imagine even a few days, and 30 seemed unfathomable. Baby steps work here too. One day at a time (or one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time). Getting the alcohol out of our lives is the first step. In other areas, I'm still a work in progress, but that's OK. Sometimes the progress is fast, though often it's gradual, often unnoticed except in hindsight. What I can tell you is, my life is immensely improved, as are my relationships with others.

Hang in there, and I wish you the very best. Take care. :l :h - Dance

P.S. Maybe when you feel a little better you can talk to your pastor? I think they are trained in counseling as well as spiritual matters.

[Chillgirl]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Sona - I can't add to the fantastic advice already given other than to reiterate the importance of allowing yourself time. When it feels right nothing will be able to stop you facing the world.

When I quit not only did it have a detoxing affect on my body but also on my mind and Rudy this might be what's going on with you. Loads of emotions came up to the surface for me which had been supressed by the booze. Numbing our feelings with AL does not make them go away it just buries them in our subconscious. I also had a lot of memories surface of terrible drunken episodes in my life that id tried to block out.

This fear, shame and guilt will soon disappear and you will start to feel better about yourself each and every day.

[Rusty]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Sona,:l

I went through the same thing you did...but it was with my family and my closest friends. If you can't face them right now, why not write letters to them....and before you mail them....wait a day or two, just to be sure you weren't writing when you were so vulnerable and emotional. Once I realized that my drinking was so out of control (pointed out to me by my family), I wrote them letters....apologizing and saying that I had made a commitment to address my AL issue. It was soooo cathartic for me, and you know what? When they got my letters, they were all moved to tears because I didn't realize how MUCH they loved me and they could feel my anguish and all they wanted to do was give me their unconditional support. They forgave me right away, and have never mentioned it again. You might consider writing one to your wife, too. Just my thoughts...and I'll be thinking of you today. I bet your church friends are more forgiving than you think. I know my friends were. We're still friends today, and our relationships are better than ever!

[Sona]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

I really appreciate the responses. They've been great reminders to me, mostly about what I need to do right now, and about Time, which does heal a lot of wounds on its own -- sometimes with a nudge from a simple contrite apology.

mylife;1033420 wrote: EVERTHING starts to get better when I don't drink Alcohol. Thanks for that awesome reminder, mylife.

RudyB;1033426 wrote: i think it's very important to take baby steps... give yourself the time to heal and feel stronger before you put yourself in uncomfortable spaces...
Great advice for today, RudyB. Baby steps are good, and being less than a week back in sobriety, I still need to only focus on the sobriety. "Just For Today."

Sheri;1033484 wrote: The best thing you can do for yourself right now is be your own best friend and remember that it's a process. There is going to be plenty of time to make amends but for now your most important job is staying sober without any additional pressure. It takes time for us to regain our self-esteem, but it does get stronger each and every day that we remain sober, I promise.

And that is a promise I will hold onto.

It is a process, another great reminder, and to worry about this too much today is getting ahead of myself in the process. Thank you.

dancelot;1033525 wrote: The AA amends are way down the line in the 12 steps (#9). There are 8 more before that, for a reason. It is a process (I do go to AA in addition to MWO, nutritional support, and have used also used the hypnosis CDs. AA is another tool in my tool box is all - whether anyone else does or doesn't is not of concern to me. I'm just familiar with it is all ). The amends in particular scared me - enough I wasn't sure I wanted to get a sponsor and go through this. Shame, embarrassment, fear played into it. I discussed this with the woman who is now my sponsor, and what she said was, by the time I get to that point, I will be in a much different place, and it will not be such an issue to deal with. I trust that when I get there, that will be the case. Meanwhile, I find the saying "do the next right thing" helpful. To me that means, maybe I can't fix every past error right at this moment (or maybe ever), but I can gradually change the current me into something positive. Positive baby steps are still walking forward. We sometimes forget our lives didn't get to this point overnight, nor will they magically be 100% better overnight. But they can be better, and they will be, if we do the work.

Awesome, awesome words here. Thank you dancelot. I will continue to come back and read this, especially when my mind is getting ahead of my sobriety.

I did the first eight steps, one at a time, with my sponsor, when I had eight months sobriety in AA last year. I guess that's one reason why I'm hung up on the amends -- I made my list (Step 8) but never showed up on a doorstep or wrote a letter. I did send mass emails to let people know how I was doing, and many were very happy for me. But I know it needs to be more personalized, and will take a bit of footwork.

The recent problem and need for an amend is that on my last drunk, one of my wife's friends spent several hours with us (my wife needed someone to be there) and I said so many stupid things, I can't even believe what came out of my mouth. Look, I'm normally a very loving guy in search of peace, willing to not talk over people, to be a good listener and take interest -- to aim to love people. But on my last drunk, I was downright offensive and vulgar. I feel so stupid, to the point where I'm avoiding this woman. I sent her an email of apology sometime last week, but I never heard back from her. I think I am scared that she's written me off -- and I don't want to use important church time to have some kind of weird moment where I apologize and she feels she has to forgive because so many others will see us. In other words, I don't want to manipulate forgiveness out of her, I want it to be real. So I guess that's why I avoided her today, and that's what I'll be dealing with in that particular amend.

Chillgirl;1033532 wrote: This fear, shame and guilt will soon disappear and you will start to feel better about yourself each and every day.
Thank you, Chillgirl, I'm holding onto these words with hope.

Rusty;1033547 wrote: Sona,:lI wrote them letters....apologizing and saying that I had made a commitment to address my AL issue. It was soooo cathartic for me, and you know what? When they got my letters, they were all moved to tears because I didn't realize how MUCH they loved me and they could feel my anguish and all they wanted to do was give me their unconditional support. They forgave me right away, and have never mentioned it again. You might consider writing one to your wife, too. Just my thoughts...and I'll be thinking of you today.

Brilliant. I am going to write one to my wife this week. It can do NO harm, but maybe potential good. I won't look for an end result though, I will write it to continue an establishing of peace that we've been laying down pretty well right now. The rest of the folks can wait for now.

Again, thanks all for your support. This site has been very meaningful to me this week. You are truly wonderful.

[Bean]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Hey Sona

Sorry to hear you're having a tough day. Not sure what help or advice I can offer in addition to the previous replies, specially since we started this journey (again) at the same time. One thing that clearly stands out in your post are your feelings of shame, guilt and remorse. We have all experienced these and sometimes it's appropriate to have those feelings. However....I continue to discover that I am my own harshest critic and can give myself the worst verbal beating over things I have said and done, even when no-one else seems to think it's a problem.

One example is a Halloween party I went to last year. I had not drunk for 10 weeks beforehand so fell off the wagon in spectacular style and had no recollection of events. I was so toe curlingly embarrassed about what I might have said or done I went down about 2 shoe sizes and just cringed when I went to school on the Monday. In fact my whole class went on about what fun I had been (not trying to promote getting hammered here) but just making the point that no-one but me had any issue with my drinking that night. And I don't think I actually did do anything too awful though I could have.

There are also a number of reasons why the woman you want to make amends to has not got back to you. Possibly she never got the email. Maybe she has had some troubles of her own to sort out this week and thinking about you is not on her priorities. Maybe she has had computer problems and hasn't been able to reply. Maybe she was hoping to see you at church to respond to your apology face to face. The scenarios are endless but it is human nature in the absence of information to assume the worst. Try not to let your mind conjure worst case scenarios until you have seen or spoken with her again. Her actual response may be very different from the one you fear.

Hang in there friend. You don't have to be Superman and fix every single thing today!!
Thinking of you
Bean

[Sona]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Thanks, Bean.

I really appreciate the last paragraph. Truth is, she had a miscarriage in early December. Perhaps I'm not at the top of her list. We forget we're not the center of the Universe, though our guilt wants us to think we are.

Your outside perspective is a great help. It means a lot to me, thank you.

[dancelot]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

But on my last drunk, I was downright offensive and vulgar. I feel so stupid, to the point where I'm avoiding this woman. I sent her an email of apology sometime last week, but I never heard back from her. I think I am scared that she's written me off -- and I don't want to use important church time to have some kind of weird moment where I apologize and she feels she has to forgive because so many others will see us. In other words, I don't want to manipulate forgiveness out of her, I want it to be real. So I guess that's why I avoided her today, and that's what I'll be dealing with in that particular amend.

Remember we can't control what others do or how they feel. You sent her an e-mail apology - good for you for taking responsibility. Give it time. She may be uncomfortable, angry, or whatever. She may not be able to accept it, or not at this time. It's possible she hasn't read it, or didn't want to. Maybe you could approach her after church? Ask if she received your e-mail. If she hasn't, use the opportunity to apologize, and ask that she read it. If she is not in a forgiving mood, or does not want to talk, be willing to accept that too.

Speaking as a woman, I will add, it might be a good idea to have your wife or trusted other with you. Your pastor maybe, if you've discussed any of this with him first. I say this because a woman might feel threatened or very uncomfortable because of the context and what was said, and having a trusted, neutral (to everyone) party present would make it less so. Just a thought.

[ I just read your response to Bean, after already writing the previous paragraphs, and I agree this probably isn't the main concern on her mind. ]

I do like what you said about taking Rusty's advice, and writing a letter to your wife for starters, and seeing it as just that.

You'll get it figured out in time. It always helps to talk, doesn't it? Also, feel free to drop in on the Weekly AA thread in Monthly Abs if you feel inclined. Everyone is welcome, and welcome to contribute, whether you attend or not. Anyway, glad you found MWO and hope you stick around - it's been a life saver for many of us.

[Lavande]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Sona,

I found forgiving myself to be difficult, most of us do! But once you do you'll likely find it easier to move on. Here's something that may help you on your journey:

Forgiveness at Radical Forgiveness.com

[Sona]

Church, Friends, Amends and Depression

Thanks for the contributions, Dancelot and Lavande. Not much internet time tonight, but I'll read more tomorrow! All I know is that I'm not drinking tonight, and life feels so good -- just to be able to say that!

Peace.