:new: OK - here goes! I got all my stuff in the mail (I think I ordered one of everything in the store). I'm still waiting on the Campral which I ordered online.
I have been drinking for 20 years. It has gotten progressively worse (no shock there huh?). Now I drink (and blackout) almost daily. I am also starting to isolate. I KNOW this is a really bad sign. The isolation makes me depressed, the depression makes me isolate......both of these things make me bored and boredom makes me want to drink. :boohoo:
I have been lucky in such that I am a very funcational drinker. I have never lost a job, or a friend or a husband. I have never had an accident or DWI. I'm a pretty good mom (when I'm not drinking) and things on the surface still look OK. But the warning signs are everywhere and I know this won't last much longer. I'm also really worried that I am literally KILLING myself and I have a 12 year old son. I can't do that to him.
Three years ago I checked myself into an intensive outpatient program. I was in group meetings with people who were MUCH younger than me....there were anorexics, abuse victims, drug addicts, and kids who probably weren't addicts but had gotten in trouble with drugs so their desperate parents checked them in as patients. I couldn't relate to ANY of it. At one point they made this girl pile a bunch of pillows on the floor and hit them with a bat. She DID NOT want to do this and got nothing but embarrassment out of it. That was it for me... all I was doing was wasting my time.
I also found a great AA group of women who are VERY much like me. But as I sat in those AA meetings listening to everyone talk about their week and all that AA speak......it felt to me like something out of Stepford Wives. I just kept thinking it HAS to be a physical thing.....it can't ALL be because I had a bad childhood (which I didn't) or because I am trying to repress something and self medicate. I've never really been a real group sharer anyway.
I went to a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. He gave me a one week supply of Campral but said he wouldn't give me any more unless I checked into a different outpatient program and attended AA again. I tried to explain to him that those things just don't work for EVERYONE. He said - "either you will do those things and come back here or you will continue drinking ...whatever". He was very closed minded and flippant.:durn: I can not for the life of me figure out why trained clinicians aren't willing to try something....anything...to help someone. It wasn't that I didn't want counseling. I was THERE for goodness sake. I just knew that group counseling hadn't worked for me before. Quite frankly, I think it's downright unethical.
ANYWAY....I was desperately searching for any alternative treatments. I am SO GLAD to have found MWO. It makes sense to me.....although I am having a lot of trouble with those ES-KE-LA-TORS and EL-E-VA-TORS and, quite frankly, I'm not too good at floating in the clouds either but I will try again today! I know it is going to be HARD WORK. Actually I can't imagine a life with no alcohol. I've had alcohol my whole adult life. It blows me away that there are people who never even think about it. But then again I never ever think about cocaine or cigarettes or eating too much chocolate cake.......so I know it all has to do with the way we are wired.
The difference this time is I don't feel sorry for myself for HAVING to quit. I used to say that I wanted to quit but that I wish I didn't HAVE TO quit. This time, I really don't care. Again, it's a little scary because I have no idea what's ahead. I don't know about those cravings. Although in the past I have stopped for awhile and when those cravings hit....if I would just wait them out....they would eventually pass.
I'm not sure if I'm writing all this to tell you all about myself or to just get it OUT of ME! Over the years my self esteem has crumbled and I have had enough. I just want myself back.
Anyway....wish me luck! I'm very scared....but I'm not sure why.
I'll try to not write a novel everytime! :thanks:
I have been drinking for 20 years. It has gotten progressively worse (no shock there huh?). Now I drink (and blackout) almost daily. I am also starting to isolate. I KNOW this is a really bad sign. The isolation makes me depressed, the depression makes me isolate......both of these things make me bored and boredom makes me want to drink. :boohoo:
I have been lucky in such that I am a very funcational drinker. I have never lost a job, or a friend or a husband. I have never had an accident or DWI. I'm a pretty good mom (when I'm not drinking) and things on the surface still look OK. But the warning signs are everywhere and I know this won't last much longer. I'm also really worried that I am literally KILLING myself and I have a 12 year old son. I can't do that to him.
Three years ago I checked myself into an intensive outpatient program. I was in group meetings with people who were MUCH younger than me....there were anorexics, abuse victims, drug addicts, and kids who probably weren't addicts but had gotten in trouble with drugs so their desperate parents checked them in as patients. I couldn't relate to ANY of it. At one point they made this girl pile a bunch of pillows on the floor and hit them with a bat. She DID NOT want to do this and got nothing but embarrassment out of it. That was it for me... all I was doing was wasting my time.
I also found a great AA group of women who are VERY much like me. But as I sat in those AA meetings listening to everyone talk about their week and all that AA speak......it felt to me like something out of Stepford Wives. I just kept thinking it HAS to be a physical thing.....it can't ALL be because I had a bad childhood (which I didn't) or because I am trying to repress something and self medicate. I've never really been a real group sharer anyway.
I went to a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. He gave me a one week supply of Campral but said he wouldn't give me any more unless I checked into a different outpatient program and attended AA again. I tried to explain to him that those things just don't work for EVERYONE. He said - "either you will do those things and come back here or you will continue drinking ...whatever". He was very closed minded and flippant.:durn: I can not for the life of me figure out why trained clinicians aren't willing to try something....anything...to help someone. It wasn't that I didn't want counseling. I was THERE for goodness sake. I just knew that group counseling hadn't worked for me before. Quite frankly, I think it's downright unethical.
ANYWAY....I was desperately searching for any alternative treatments. I am SO GLAD to have found MWO. It makes sense to me.....although I am having a lot of trouble with those ES-KE-LA-TORS and EL-E-VA-TORS and, quite frankly, I'm not too good at floating in the clouds either but I will try again today! I know it is going to be HARD WORK. Actually I can't imagine a life with no alcohol. I've had alcohol my whole adult life. It blows me away that there are people who never even think about it. But then again I never ever think about cocaine or cigarettes or eating too much chocolate cake.......so I know it all has to do with the way we are wired.
The difference this time is I don't feel sorry for myself for HAVING to quit. I used to say that I wanted to quit but that I wish I didn't HAVE TO quit. This time, I really don't care. Again, it's a little scary because I have no idea what's ahead. I don't know about those cravings. Although in the past I have stopped for awhile and when those cravings hit....if I would just wait them out....they would eventually pass.
I'm not sure if I'm writing all this to tell you all about myself or to just get it OUT of ME! Over the years my self esteem has crumbled and I have had enough. I just want myself back.
Anyway....wish me luck! I'm very scared....but I'm not sure why.
I'll try to not write a novel everytime! :thanks:
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