New BF and still drinking

[Jewels83]

I'm back for those that remember me. Was in chat more then I posted. Well anyway, I'm pretty much in the same place. I manage 2-3 days AF here and there and then feel great! Then temptation hits and I'm back to drinking a large bottle of white zin a night. I finally broke free of the bad relationship I was in and have met a wonderful, new man. He doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. I'm hiding this from him. We plan to move in together within a couple of months. I need to stop this drinking before then. The stress of all of it, gets to me, and guess what my alcoholic mind tells me? Just pick up a bottle of wine on the way home so you can relax. I'm sick of this. If I don't stop, I might lose this wonderful guy, that I adore. Help me.

[Shanny5]

New BF and still drinking

Welcome back Jewels.
Yes! you just might lose him if you don't do somethng about it now. I know because It happened to me. I lost the love of my life because I couldn't stop drinking and I will never stop kicking myself:boohoo:
I suppose we could go down the track of saying that if he cared enough about you, he'd be supportive and help you find your way out of this but cmon...do you really want to take that chance? People who are not addicted to Al, rarely truely understand what you're up against and so for that reason, lack the patience, empathy and level of support it takes to stick by an alcoholic. Why not use this as the motivation you need to give abstinance (or moderation) a red hot go.
Just to clarify, it was the loss of this man in my life that led me to find counselling and appropriate medication to deal with my addiction. I'm doing fine these days but i sure do wish i'd taken decisive action before i lost him rather than after.

[Kimberley]

New BF and still drinking

Hi Jewels,
I remember you and all the stuff you were going through with your ex. Welcome back!

I have to be honest and say that your post sends up a lot of red flags. It's great that you have met someone new and want to sort out your drinking but there are a few things that bother me here.

1, You should always sort out your drinking completely and utterly for YOU. If others benefit or it improves your relationships then thats great, but make sure you know what your focus is. Otherwise, if you did split up, its so easy to just go back to drinking becasue your reason is gone for being sober. So keep your eyes on yourself rather than the prize if you know what I mean.

2, No relationship will ever work in the long-term if you are hiding things and being dishonest. I'm not saying you fess up and tell him all your drinking past if you don't want to (I do tend to do this though, for my own reasons), but you have to be honest with him in the here and now.

3, I can't recall exactly when it was that you split up with your ex, but it wasn't that long ago I don't think. So you can't have known this guy for that long? And you're already planning on moving in together? How well do you really know each other? It can't be that well surely if he hasn't cottoned on to your drinking problem - especially if you're having issues every 2-3 days. I'm just urging a bit of caution here. My pattern in relationships has been to go from one ending to running headlong straight into another and that is no way to approach it, especially when you're not 'sorted out'.

I'm not trying to put you on a downer, but you do need to seriously consider some of these things - otherwise you're headed for trouble - and your drinking might get even worse again if this relationship doesn't work out the way you want.

OK down to dealing with the drinking itself, what have you already tried that works and doesn't work? What are you willing to try now? Do you want to be AF or to moderate (though most can't mod, some can)? If stress is a trigger, what else could you do to cope instead of drinking? I hope we can all support you on here.

K x

[hillsidetime]

New BF and still drinking

Hi Jewels, and welcome back. It is great to hear you have a new boyfriend, who sounds great. I do think that Kimberley has some honest things listed in her post, that are important and well said.

You need to build on you, to make a relationship work. He likes you. I agree that no one else can make us stop drinking, but perhaps this relationship can be the trigger that starts you once and for all to start working on your sobriety for good. At some point, if you start adding days together sober, and the relationship continues, you most likely will need to talk with him about the fact that you don't drink anymore, because you used to over do it sometimes etc etc. I don't think you would want to work around this for the rest of your relationship. He might become a wonderful support for you in this regard, as you will support him when he needs it.

You can do it, write your goals down, let us know what you are planning. Fight.
Hill

[rebirth]

New BF and still drinking

Hey jewels,

Good to hear that you got rid of that idiot! Have you tried all your options to stop drinking? Your new guy will definitely give you the peace you need to resolving your drinking. Everyone is giving you very sound advice so i dont know what else to add.

There is always AA that you could try out. It's not everyone's cup of tea but who knows...it may be perfect for you. x

[OverIt2007]

New BF and still drinking

Hi Jewels.... Hi Rebirth too!

I second what Rebirth said. So glad you got rid of that other Asshole. Im sure he is making some other person miserable about now. Dont ever let some guy treat you like that again please.

You in the right place to make changes. Best thing I can say is just never give up... Giving up!! Just keep trying and Fight! Sounds like you have a nice new guy so that is definately a reason to get monkey off the back. It would be a good idea to get this under control before the big move in together takes place. Im so glad he does not drink or smoke. Why dont you let your new mans healthy choices inspire you to do the same???? See, not everyone drinks. How about developing some new healthy habits with your new man? Take up running or something.... anything. Just enjoy a sober life together??

Best of luck to you Jewels!! Im here in the fight with you too. Just starting day 4 for me, but its a start.

[rebirth]

New BF and still drinking

Over! How nice to see you again! xxx

Way to go on day four! I love how you always fight and never give up.

[Lavande]

New BF and still drinking

Hi Jewels,

Welcome back! This is a great place but you already know that

Give yourself the best fighting chance possible to beat AL & secure the best possible future for yourself & your new relationship.
Make a solid commitment to quit now & a solid plan. Use the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html for good ideas.

Wishing you the very best!
Lav

[Guest]

New BF and still drinking

I agree with Kimberley's post and couldn't put it better myself. For years I went into relationships thinking "This is the one, I'll be ok now", all that happened was that my drinking got worse there'd be a break up and I'd drink even more. I might have a sober spell and meet someone new, then it'd start all over again.

You need to get sober for you. I also believe alcoholics rush into relationships, possibly because of the excitement only for it to blow up in their face. If you are to live together he needs to know of your problem, then you need to make it your priority to get AF.

[greeneyes]

New BF and still drinking

WB jewels! I'm of the mindset that you have to do it for you, not because you might loose this wonderful guy. You damn well might loose yourself if you don't. You already know that though, don't you. The toolbox is a good idea and so is a good solid plan. Got one? Maybe refreshing yourself with a reread of the MWO book would be helpful?

[fennel]

New BF and still drinking

Kimberley;1044410 wrote: Hi Jewels,
I remember you and all the stuff you were going through with your ex. Welcome back!

I have to be honest and say that your post sends up a lot of red flags. It's great that you have met someone new and want to sort out your drinking but there are a few things that bother me here.

1, You should always sort out your drinking completely and utterly for YOU. If others benefit or it improves your relationships then thats great, but make sure you know what your focus is. Otherwise, if you did split up, its so easy to just go back to drinking becasue your reason is gone for being sober. So keep your eyes on yourself rather than the prize if you know what I mean.

2, No relationship will ever work in the long-term if you are hiding things and being dishonest. I'm not saying you fess up and tell him all your drinking past if you don't want to (I do tend to do this though, for my own reasons), but you have to be honest with him in the here and now.

3, I can't recall exactly when it was that you split up with your ex, but it wasn't that long ago I don't think. So you can't have known this guy for that long? And you're already planning on moving in together? How well do you really know each other? It can't be that well surely if he hasn't cottoned on to your drinking problem - especially if you're having issues every 2-3 days. I'm just urging a bit of caution here. My pattern in relationships has been to go from one ending to running headlong straight into another and that is no way to approach it, especially when you're not 'sorted out'.

I'm not trying to put you on a downer, but you do need to seriously consider some of these things - otherwise you're headed for trouble - and your drinking might get even worse again if this relationship doesn't work out the way you want.

OK down to dealing with the drinking itself, what have you already tried that works and doesn't work? What are you willing to try now? Do you want to be AF or to moderate (though most can't mod, some can)? If stress is a trigger, what else could you do to cope instead of drinking? I hope we can all support you on here.

K x

Excellent post!

[fennel]

New BF and still drinking

Other people can't fix us. Why not be honest with the guy, especially if your love is so strong? The LAST thing you want to do is go through your detoxing time immediately upon moving in together. I can't imagine how hairy that would be!

[Bean]

New BF and still drinking

Uh-oh

Hi Jewels

I completely agree with Kim's post. I don't want to offend you but to be blunt, I think you are kidding yourself if you think you can sort out your drinking in the next month or so and move in with this guy and everything will be hunky dory. I spent the last 18 months in exactly that thought pattern. Started internet dating...met someone I quite liked (interestingly his dad was an alcoholic and he was VERY angry with him over how he'd treated the family over the years). I kept thinking I was going to get on top of the drinking and would never have to confess to him but I couldn't. I knew the relationship was on borrowed time.

Then I met my boyfriend (now an ex but still a very close friend). We drank together and I managed to hide my problem pretty successfully until one night I got smashed on vodka, called him at 1am and asked him to come over. He had to leave for work at 6am in the morning. When I woke up I wasn't even sure if he had been there or not. I had an absolute feeling of dread all day wondering what I had said or done and so mad at myself for probably messing it all up. So I came clean and amazingly he didn't dump or reject me, just offered to help and support me however he could.

This was a truly incredible gift that he gave me. I automatically assumed that anyone finding out about my shameful secret wouldn't want to know me any more, so it really helped my confidence and self esteem that he still liked me in spite of it. There followed 6 months of me trying different ways to moderate - all of which failed - and more deceit as I was always sneaking extra drinks around him. In October I fell into a deep depression and everything got pretty bleak. We broke up around then but he STILL continued to show up and be there for me. I don't really know why but he did and I feel like he was sent into my life for that purpose. He really wanted to 'make' me better and I wanted him to too as that let me put the responsibility on him for sorting out my life, rather than taking on that responsibility myself.

Around the same time (just before Christmas) we both realised that that wasn't working either. I got really serious with myself, accepted that the buck rests with me and that I am the only person who can do this, by myself, FOR myself.

My message to you is that your guy sounds great - a non drinker/smoker/drugger - you're off to a head start already. He may or may not want to continue with you when he finds out about your drink problem. As others have said on here, physically giving up the AL is just the first step. The key to long term sobriety is changing your lifestyle and thinking patterns. I think (just my opinion) that even if you do manage to quit and present as the 'sorted' AF girlfriend, you will struggle internally when things get difficult. And they will at times. It's just how it is. It will be extra difficult not being able to share with him when you are having a craving or get triggered by something.

Anyway, I hope I haven't been out of line in anything I've said. I completely understand where you're coming from as I was in the same place too. All I remember about it is a feeling of dread, anxiety and despair that it was only a matter of time before I got caught or screwed up and then I'd be single again and the whole cycle would begin again.

Best of luck - I hope you can draw on all the resources and support here to step into an AF life.
Bean

[choice]

New BF and still drinking

Hi Jewels,
I remember you :l I'm glad you've moved on from your past relationship because I remember you were really unhappy. It's exciting to meet someone new, and I'm glad to hear he doesn't have issues with substances. I think if this new relationship inspires you to sober up then that's a good motivator. It does seam as though things might be moving pretty fast and I echo what the others with their concerns. What's the rush? He sounds cool so I hope this works out for you. I'm in the middle of taking a break in my current engagement. It has been a very good decision. I was finding in my recovery that I needed to devote 110 % if I wanted it to work. My fiance is a wonderful person, but there are just some paths we need to walk alone in this battle. I trust the relationship enough to take this time. Your a dear person who deserves love, and the best place to start is by loving yourself.
take care, choice

[Jewels83]

New BF and still drinking

Thank you all for comments and support. I totally understand the tough love, and I appreciate it. I need to hear it. You have all given me alot to think about. Thank you all so much for that. I needed it. oxox