Why do I feel like I have lost something?

[mauritiusdodo]

If giving up alcohol is what I want to do then why do I feel like I am going to be missing out? I feel so sad like this is the end of any fun I am going to have even though I know it is ridiculous, I loved drinking (sad though it sounds) and I feel like I am going to be deprived of something that makes me happy, please someone tell me this is my addiction making me feel like this and that I WILL be happy without alcohol eventually? I feel so pathetic that alcohol is so important to me, I know it isn't normal!

[one2many]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

hey Mauritius!

I know this helped me change my thinking in the early days. The member is not on the site anymore but really had fantastic insight.


Do You "Deserve" a Drink, Today?

I can't count the number of times I have seen someone come here and write a post in which s/he says that s/he has relapsed, or "slipped," because s/he had been doing well for a while, and decided that s/he "deserved" a drink.

And our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

I wrote a post a few days ago, about this way of thinking, but it was kind of buried in another thread. And I saw people talking about "deserving a drink," again today. What I wrote about was about changing our way of thinking from this self-destructive "Deprivation Mode" to a winning, successful, positive "Gratitude Mode." Here it is:

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

wip

[fixitguy]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

easy there Dodo..dont beat yourself up that just makes the battle harder.and thats what the enemy is banking on....peace in your house and your heart.

[Brigitte Bardot]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

O2M..good post to dig up from wip, very well put.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

Totally agree with Oneys post Maurit, it really is about perception and after years of abuse, which most of us have done, our addiction is not going to allow a flick over of mind set instantly, it takes time. Welcome to MWO, glad you found us.
Keep safe
KTAB

[Judestir]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

I understand what you are saying completely as does most everyone on this site. It is very hard to visulalize life without achohol when it is such a part of our lifestyles. It is so ingrained into our society and into who we think we are. We feel we will not complete without it....like something is missing. And I too associate having fun with drinking, fun and wine are buddies, becasue that is what my history has told me. Honestly, I think it is all a lie. We just need to give the sober side a chance to show it self and then we will truely be able to judge. So give sobriety a go, see if you can have fun wihile being sober. See who you are when you are not under the influence. BE REAL!! and then decide what is the better choice.

I loved your post One.......thanks so much for sharing. Our thinking patterns are so important in this process. If we can reprogram what we think, I believe we will have much of the problem solved.

[mauritiusdodo]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

Thank you everyone (there aren't any thank you buttons on here? )

One too many, what you have said really makes sense, I only hope that I can get into gratitude mode, I know that it is going to be hard to change my way of life, man I feel like I am going to be a nightmare to everyone on here :H sorry in advance for the squillions of stupid questions and rants I am going to have !

[Popeye]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

Hi mauritiusdodo,

One2many's post is spot on.

The feeling of losing out or depriving yourself is very common, if not universal. I went through it many times and it was the main cause of my many failures to get control of myself.
There comes a time though, when a realisation sets in and I discovered that I wasn't punishing myself or missing out. I was making a change of lifestyle, and a good one at that.
There are a few changes that happen as we get deeper into the process of getting our brains and bodies back but the mental ones are sometimes difficult to understand and need a little thought. For example, being the odd-one-out at parties isn't odd at all. Putting stuff inside you that makes you act strangely and feel sick is a far more weird thing to be doing IMHO. Just because other people do it doesn't mean we all should. I find this way of thinking spreads to other areas of life aswell. I would have laughed a couple of years ago if someone would have said I would be going to yoga class and meditating the quandaries of life, but the lack of this poison in my system has allowed a certain flourishing of other, less obvious aspects of my personality, and I like it.

[mauritiusdodo]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

Thanks popeye

[fennel]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

I felt like a neutered cat for the first week ...like I was definitely missing something! The truth is that I was completely miserable by the time I stopped drinking. The "fun" part was some distant memory I wouldn't let go of.

[mauritiusdodo]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

fennel;1047586 wrote: I felt like a neutered cat for the first week ...like I was definitely missing something! The truth is that I was completely miserable by the time I stopped drinking. The "fun" part was some distant memory I wouldn't let go of.

That is just how I feel, I wasn't even enjoying drinking any more really, had heartburn and indigestion half the time and didn't even get a 'buzz' out of it, just drank it all as quickly as possible and then fell asleep mostly why on earth did i feel the need?

[dancingon]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

Same here. I long since stopped enjoying anything but the first glass. Sometimes if I picked a cheap and nasty wine it didn't even taste good, but I drank it anyway and woke up feeling guilty and rotten inside every morning. So what is it that tells us we are still missing out?
I don't know your background or how young you started drinking, but one thing that works for me is to remember that I used to be able to go into a social situation, a demanding work situation or an emotionally demanding situation without giving a thought to having a drink in order to cope. I want that strong person back. Alcohol keeps you weak and there is nothing at the bottom of a bottle.

[Cassia]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

Hey md,

I felt exactly how u did when I gave up and I cried. I felt like my life was over, I was going to turn into a bore and I would have no life. And at such a young age. I was genuinely gutted. But I persevered. I would be lying if I said I accepted it but I just thought that I had to get up and get on with it.

I am just over a month af and I still miss the social side. It was really soul destroying when all
My colleagues went to the pub on fri and I didn't. But I had come thru so much and I didn't want to threaten my sobriety. I know that one day, in the not too distant future, I will be able to go out with them and just drink sorties and feel fine.

What I can tell u is how muchy life has changed for the better in a short period of time. I have my motivation back. I am rediscovering all the things I loved doing that I couldn't do effectively when I was drinking. I got on top of things that I had been putting off which will help me achieve my goal of moving back to the states. But most importantly, I put myself first. I am the positive person I remember from way back. I am a better friend. And that's where you will get to...one day at a time.

So of course mourn the loss of your friend wine. But look forward to all the other great things that will come your way if you don't drink.

You can do this!!!

X

[mauritiusdodo]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

I first started drinking when I was about 14 (!) all my social activities with friends revolved around drinking and continued to do so as I got older (I am now 41)

I too have drunk revolting wine just for the absolute sake of it how ridiculous is that I mean I wouldn't eat something that tasted awful!!

I am looking forward to enjoying new hobbies and I am going to try and focus on the positives instead of being my usual (drink induced) negative self!

[Lavande]

Why do I feel like I have lost something?

Take a look at:
The ToDo Institute: Mindfulness, Procrastination, and Gratitude using Morita and Naikan Therapies