Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

[Jolie]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Jackie - wow - we cross-posted. I have been thinking the same exact thing! Sometimes I'd like to connect with someone who has had a few unsuccessful tries but seems to be drawn back to this site. To take it one step further, I'd like to connect with someone who is experiencing the same type situation as me - no problem drinking socially - drink by myself and hide it from my hubby/kids. Guess this is maybe what the private messaging is all about. Anyway, great post - think you nailed it.

[choice]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Well, I think everyone should feel comfortable posting even if they are still drinking or not. I think the point is to just come to ones own terms about what to do in their own situation. And one of the best ways to do that is by posting as much as possible. I guess I'm confused and would love for someone to clear this up.. because I feel supportive of AF or moderation.

But I don't understand, if your goal is to be AF for a month and then half way through you change your mind and decide moderation is your path... then how is deciding to drink a a slip? I'm not trying to sound dumb here but I honestly don't know what kind of support to give. I guess what I want to say is that I don't want anyone to beat themselves up for any reason regarding alcohol- ever... we all know how sad we can feel after drinking and the worst feeling in the world is judgment.

I guess what I'm struggling with is if a person wants to mod then what's the problem with having a drink then? I think that's why I don't feel comfortable here because I'm a totally confused about moderation, and what support to give for it. All I know is it didn't help me at all when I was trying to moderate (in the real world) and my friends kept telling me "you were fine.. don't worry about it.. don't beat yourself up... we all do it..." I mean I guess it made me feel better for a day I was hungover and I'm glad they made me feel better but in the long run it didn't solve any issues I was having. Maybe if I'd come to MWO sooner I could have successfully figured out a way to mod with support of like minded folks here. It's just too late for me to try and it scares the crap out of me. (for myself) Because I had lost most of my will power and just would end up drunk.

In saying that I realize everyone is different and I don't have strong feelings about AF being the only way to be. I feel for people when they slip and are sad. I read the moderation section all the time and it just looks really complicated. (for me) I see wonderful support over there and great success with it. I guess I just feel inadequate in giving moderation advice because I am a failure at it.

I am sorry for my confusion, and don't mean any disrespect to anyone.

[mollyka]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

I pretty much echo everything Choice says - and put much more succinctly than me!! I hope I haven't upset anyone or tried to imply that AF is the only way, of course it isn't if it works for you. But like Jolie says - everyone, including most of the successful moderators will agree that a fairly lengthy time initially AF is essential to 'unmuddle' the alkie drinking from what's to come. That is what I feel 'just starting out' should be about. Jenny, I am not getting at you in anyway, fair dues to you if you can make it work - I will be the first to cheer you on.

Jackser, re. long term - I remember waking up mornings and if there was a drink beside the bed from the night before I would drink it --that was short term. If there wasn't a drink from the night before I often made it to lunchtime ----Mollys long term back in the day
Maybe that explains why I can't moderate!
Molly

[Judestir]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

This is a very interesting converstion and I dont' think anyones feeling are getting hurt. You guys are just too nice for that. So what about a person like me?? My plan is to go 12 weeks AF and then Mod. I am a Newbie and felt like the Starting Out board was the right place for me. I started AF Jan 4th and my twelve weeks will be up March 29th. Because I knew that I would not be drinking in the month of Feb I thought this would be a good place to post.

There are obviously two different mind sets with being AF and with modding and I can see where they would clash even with the kindest of people and intentions. If I were abstaining for life I probably would not even read the modding threads as I can see where that may lead my thinking. So I do understand.

I think everyone here wants the best for everyone. And I have no problem moving to the modding threads even if I am doing AF for 3 months. There definatley is a a grey area here where you belong, but you don't belong....hmmmmm. The last thing I would ever want is my thinking or words to get in the way of someones sobriety. That would be terrible.

[mollyka]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Hey Jude, I have to stress that this is just my opinion - there are no rules to where anyone could or should post, and if any thread stops someone from taking one drink one day - to me that's success!! My reply to you can only be what I would do in those circumstances. I would of course stay in 'just starting out' for the period of time that I was planning on staying AF - in your case up to March 29th, but personally after that I would feel uncomfortable posting here and modding. If I then went to the moderation threads and found it wasn't for me, I would be back here like a light!
Maybe when I was starting out I was a dreadful lightweight, so therefore I am not speaking on behalf of newbies - but back then all I had to see was an ad on tele or a scene in a movie depicting the lovely chilled glass of chardonnay or whatever and it set off something in my head. This was my oasis, my escape from drink and the place I could come where we were all in the same boat.
Molly

[prancy]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

I totally agree with Choice and Mollyka. Having tried AF and failed on several occasions, it can be my fervent hope to Never Repeat the experience of a binge, but it doesn't take much to get that voice in my head thinking I can just have one. The last time i was here, I set 100 days as a goal and I achieved it. I should have set another 100 days but I didn't because I think hearing so many others say they were molding, I had already allowed the thought of moderating in my head. Predictable results. but to each his own.

Jude, I think your idea of trying 3 months here just going AF and then making the decision and if your decision is to mod, perhaps change threads is brilliant. After all, as we all know, just getting 3 months can be challenging for those of us who drink too much.

[Ringing Cedars]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Ok, my two cents(or million if that’s your take on it).

I came to this site because alcohol had become an acute “problem” for me. It was not a long term problem. UK made the comment once, and I won’t say it’s a quote but is the jist. I along with others have repeated her take on alcohol consumption. She said that alcohol is a problem if an individual experiences problems due to alcohol use in their life. I like that.

Now, imo, problems are viewed problems in varying degrees and in view of personal assessment. A person can have a long term acute problem; a moderate problem; an occasional problem, a rare incidence and then the degree of the problem is individual. One person may be helplessly without control, another may lose control frequently, on occasion, etc, etc.

I read this in Sheri’s Meditation thread this morning and it helped me to formulate my response to this recurring debate in many threads across the board:

THE FREEDOM TO NOT BE SHAMED, CAJOLED, OR CONTROLLED by what anyone else is doing or saying, is one of the gifts I most treasure these days. I didn’t know, for most of my life, that I could live relatively unaffected by what other people were thinking or doing. On the contrary, nearly every word spoken or movement made by anyone within proximity to me tended to decide my fate for the brief few minutes. Who you were and what you said or did defined me!

I’m going to chop it first to say this:

I DESIRE THE FREEDOM TO NOT BE SHAMED OR CONTROLLED BY ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION IN MY LIFE.

Isn’t that the collective goal for everyone here? How we achieve it, is an individual process with individual time lines. As with any goal we set criteria and deadlines and as with many goals it is a living document. We achieve steps and reassess and redefine the goals and subsets of goals.

Now I repeat for the bigger picture:
THE FREEDOM TO NOT BE SHAMED, CAJOLED, OR CONTROLLED by what anyone else is doing or saying, is one of the gifts I most treasure these days. I didn’t know, for most of my life, that I could live relatively unaffected by what other people were thinking or doing. On the contrary, nearly every word spoken or movement made by anyone within proximity to me tended to decide my fate for the brief few minutes. Who you were and what you said or did defined me!

I did 28 af days upon entering this forum in a newly started challenge in the Just Starting Section. It wasn’t 30 days as intended but I figured close enough. Many started out and many didn’t complete the goal. I have always supported them as they found their way. That is why I am here to get support and to support others to achieve their goals. It is not my place to decide what their goal should be, how, where, why or when they should attain a goal.

On the topic of triggering, I will admit that others posts have sometimes triggered feelings that I responded to(my feelings)by pushing what is known as the “f*ck it button”. I must also admit that I was probably looking for fuel to an already ignited thought process. I MUST ADMIT THAT TAKING THAT DRINK WAS NO ONES FAULT BUT MY OWN.

To think that someone should restrict their postings to a few threads based on their goals or because they have unclear goals or are refining their goals is not supportive imo. Would it be appropriate to say that AF’rs should stick to af threads only? Of course not. An individual should feel free to post wherever they feel they may find support or give support.

I thought this thread was started with just that intention as a goal and therefore joined in knowing realistically I may “cave” but that I could still finish the flight to the best of my ability without shame or judgement.

I’m not sure if I will continue to post here but do wish everyone success in meeting their goals and hope they never give up trying!

[mollyka]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Fair enough RC, post away, I'm away
Molly

[Ringing Cedars]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Molly I'm really sorry to hear that. Are you going to stick to threads where people are only af and successful? What if someone slips-do you remove yourself from that thread? I'm not trying to be trite just trying to sincerely understand.

[dancingon]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Hi there, back again from conference and what an interesting experience that was AF.
I went to my first dinner and dance AF. It didn't bother me that other people were drinking - in fact it was rather amusing observing as the night went on. At my table there were 3 other people not drinking, and as everyone knew I was doing Feb fast noone bothered me about it. The first time I felt sorry for myself was when the dancing started. The person on my left was a non dancer and involved in a serious conversation with the person on her left. The teetotaller on my right was on the dance floor as soon as the music started and I was left sitting there wishing I could have a glass of wine "to loosen up". However, after a few minutes I remembered that for much of my teens and twenties I danced without drinking first and thought "What the hell!" So I got up on the floor and had a blast. After the first few minutes the body chemicals that enhance enjoyment took over and I didn't need a drink - dancingon danced the night away AF.
Flying home presented another challenge, as I would normally head to the supermarket straight from the plane and stock up. For the first hour driving home I wished I could just relax with a wine or two (ha!,) at home that evening, but honestly by the time I got home it was 9.15pm and I was over that need. If I'd bought it I would've drunk it anyway, but I didn't need it.
Reading back over the discussions, I find myself unsure about my feelings on sharing modding vs AF experiences. This thread started for those trying to go AF, but I'd hate to exclude people, and if you get a few days under your belt for February but fail, in a sense you have moderated. On the other hand, if I found after a while that I could successfully moderate I would probably share that in the modders section rather than here, because a large hurdle for people starting out is often that they want to go on believing that they can mod when they can't.
Anyway, if you have succeeded in drinking less this month than last - well done, and lets top it next month.

[JackieClaire]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Ringing Cedars;1058965 wrote: Molly I'm really sorry to hear that. Are you going to stick to threads where people are only af and successful? What if someone slips-do you remove yourself from that thread? I'm not trying to be trite just trying to sincerely understand.

I'm sorry that this modding/AF discussion has got to the point of who's staying and who's leaving.

RC, you could ask the same question of me, Choice or any of the other AFers. We come here each day to offer support and hopefully when or if the time comes we need it we'll get help too. Shall we all bugger off because sometimes our views differ. Far as I can see there's no wrong way or right way to do it.

[JackieClaire]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Dancing on, hun.
I have to say that is a fantastic achievement by the way. A dinner dance and then a flight home. Crickey good job doesn't seem enough, but have one any way.:goodjob:

[Ringing Cedars]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

Jackie that was not my points intended at all. I will remove myself from the just starting out. I'm sorry if I've "triggered" ANYONE. Sincerely RC

[Ringing Cedars]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

JackieClaire;1059064 wrote: I'm sorry that this modding/AF discussion has got to the point of who's staying and who's leaving.

RC, you could ask the same question of me, Choice or any of the other AFers. We come here each day to offer support and hopefully when or if the time comes we need it we'll get help too. Shall we all bugger off because sometimes our views differ. Far as I can see there's no wrong way or right way to do it.

I show up most days for the same purpose. My post was not meant to dissect but to find common ground and propogate.(sp)

[Ringing Cedars]

Flying Through February AF. . . who's in?!

I have the utmost respect for you Jackie and so many here. We are all on our personal journeys. I learn to love you all!