Another newcomer...

[lolab]

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[vintage girl]

Another newcomer...

lolab;1063267 wrote: Hello everyone - I've been lurking for a few weeks and today is actually day 7 AF for me! That's astounding actually - it's been many years since I've gone that long without a drink.

I'm a 46 yr old wife and mother of one. I drank beer in my teens and 20's, wine in my thirties and in my 40's it's been easier to hide it by drinking watered down vodka - (but LOTS of it). I'd advanced to downing a 1.75 L bottle in 3-4 days.... But no one knows the extent of it. I've been hiding bottles in the laundry sorting area, recycling bins and in my closet for a couple of years, now. filling Sigg bottles and adding vodka to plastic water bottles. It's pathetic and last week I was so full of self hatred, I couldn't imagine ever admitting that even here....

I've said out loud soooo many times "I just can't have it in the house" on the morning after or those middle of the night wide awake screaming at myself in my head moments...Until the past month or so I've realized that not only am I not "here" for my family, but it will become permanent if I don't stop. I was killing myself.

My family is around this weekend and they don't know any of this - so it's hard for me to get on here - there is so much that I have to admit to someone...I will keep sorting my thoughts and return Tues AM. I'm a very private person and I live in a small town - I just can't go to AA - it would be the scandal of the century...

It's funny, I look around me and have always felt so alone - that everyone else goes about their lives functioning perfectly fine - why do I need alcohol to do this? Not getting physically close enough to people for them to smell it on my breath....wondering if the teachers at the school dance that I am chaperoning can smell it...the kids that come over to play with my pride and joy. How could I do this to him??? aaaaargggh...I am working through it but I am sick to death of the way I was living. I have so much to be thankful for and am throwing it away if I can't stay AF.

I gotta run, but want you all to know that I think as I work through this, having someone to confide in is going to be crucial for me...I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for you lack of judgement and your understanding and compassion...

First of all, well done on your 7 days! :goodjob: I can identify with your secretiveness and sense of isolation and loneliness. I don't show or share my 'weakness' with anyone.

This place will be an excellent way of getting things off your chest, sharing what works and what doesn't, and as you say, just having other people to confide in can make all the difference.

It sounds as though you are well motivated and recognise the need for change; hopefully that will make it so much easier for you. Check in to the Newbies Nest, the toolbox, and let us know how you are getting on oh, and :welcome:

[LadyLush]

Another newcomer...

lolab,

You are in the right place! I was cleaning the house last week and found some bottles of wine I must have hid when I was drunk :-) I, at that time chose to dump them before trying to siphon them out of the sink. Some if not all of us have been where you are.."do they notice?"...
You have made your first step in acknowledging the problem and going forward. Whenever I get the urge to tie one on I come on here. It was great to know for once I am not alone in this addiction. Hang with us and you won't regret it. Though my membership shows January, I have been lurking for months too. I think becoming a member means we mean business now!

Best of luck, I will be on here too so just find me! :l

Lady

[Softy]

Another newcomer...

Hiding bottles

Something I found myself doing in Nov/Dec last year. That was what convinced me to seek help. The self loathing brought on a deep depression which I am just seeing a glimmer of hope of emerging from three months later. I empathize wholeheartedly with the " just can't have it in the house" experience. That is me all over. Well done on reaching 7. Keep on keeping on!:h

[dancingon]

Another newcomer...

Hi there
You are definitely not alone. Many of us have been quite creative about hiding the evidence. And many of us have children, partners and good jobs that should give us enough reason to stop. However, if it was that simple we wouldn't be here.
AA is not for everyone. In my small town people seem to think they know where the meetings are held and who regularly attends, so there is no way I'd go there. Besides which I have some problems with their philosophy, although I don't wish to criticise an organisation that helps a lot of people. This site is great for talking things out and getting advice and encouragement. Read the book and other information on the site and check out the toolbox, if you haven't already. :welcome:

[LadyLush]

Another newcomer...

Dancingon,

Yes, anonymous is a misnomer to me. I have never been anywhere safer than here.
Some day we should start a thread entitled "and where did you hide it?" LOL

Lady

[lil.michelle]

Another newcomer...

Oh hunni *hugs* It's like looking in a mirror.. the hiding of the bottles, the sleepless nights, the screaming in the head, the self hate... not getting close to people, putting AL before the childrens wellbeing and safety...You are far from alone. One thing that struck me is what you said about your community... Just remind yourself that you don't know what goes on behine closed doors and i bet there are LOTS of AL abusers out there who feel the same way as you do and they don't look at you as having any issues.
Well done of your 7 days AF and i hope you continue. It's really hard but well worth it. I'm neary 4 months in( i think) i've lost count now and all though i do miss drinking (i don't but my mind plays tricks with me) and i crave and have those weak moments... i look at my children and i could never pick that bottle up and put a liquid before my babies any more. You've done the best thing, you're a great mum and person for doing this!
Don't keep things to yourself. remember we're all here and we've all done been there done it.. some worse then others but we all want the same thing.. to better our lives sober. We never judge but we always comfort each other no matter what!
All my love XXX Stay strong and give you little one a HUGE SOBER HUG XX

[lolab]

Another newcomer...

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[lolab]

Another newcomer...

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[Judestir]

Another newcomer...

Welcome Lolab. You have come to a safe place. Congrats on your first week! Stay strong, you can do this!

[papmom3]

Another newcomer...

Welcome LolaB! You've made the first step towards reclaiming your life-congratulations!! My first week was such a great milestone for me-I couldn't believe it!! Reading the book, taking the supps and coming on here for hours at a time were my lifesavers. I also picked up some great advice on the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html thread so take some time to visit there if you haven't already. I spent the first 4 months of my journey in the Newbies Nest-safe warm, velcro suits and pillows and lots of Diet Coke !! Now I spend most of my time on 2 of the Monthly Abstainers threads and have made some great friends there as well.
AA isn't for everyone but don't discount it totally. You can read the Big Book online for instance and there are online AA meetings as well. They don't take the place of that 3D connection but not everyone needs that. There may also be a Women in Sobriety group near you but not necessarily in your town. Just some options. I've been to one AA meeting and I've read some of the Big Book. I say the Serenity Prayer everynite before I close my eyes because I have to remind myself that I don't have total control over anyone or anything but myself and that was a tough one to acknowledge.

The AF life is not only possible but wonderful if you just give it a chance. It's a lot of hard work and self discovery but it's worth every minute and every mile you log.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to.

:l

[myhappyplace]

Another newcomer...

Hi Lolab, speaking as an ex - i hope forever - fully functioning alcohol driven soccer mum, this is the best place i could ever think of to start. You've managed one week and you will be supported here to do more. And remember what lil michelle said about other people, you would probably find if you met mostly anyone on this site in person you would never know the truth either, same goes for your friends and neighbors. You had the courage to start dealing with your problem, and thats great, all the best to keep strong.

[damo180]

Another newcomer...

Well done Lolab, You are doing great. You have so much to live for and you are on the right track.
I think now that you are over your first week, things will really start looking up for you.
Be ready and aware for the sneaky cravings that creep up on you, they wont last, and for me , they are lessening each day.

All the best

Damo

[hillsidetime]

Another newcomer...

Hi Lolab and welcome. Congratulations on your 7 days, you should be proud of yourself. You have made it throug your first weekend, that can be tough. Keep adding those days of sobriety together, one at a time, you can do it.

This is a great place to read and write lots. Like you, this forum, is the only place that I have truly expressed all my feelings and issues involved with alcohol. There are many kinds and caring people here who can help.

It is excellent that you realise that you have a problem with alcohol, and that you have lost your power over it. You can win the battle. I have two young children, and I did not want their memory of me to be holding a beer, always. Your son wants you to live a long healthy life with him. You have so many reasons to fight this battle. Hang in there.
Hill

[Jolie]

Another newcomer...

Lolab - :welcome: We could seriously be twins. Hiding the bottles, not wanting to get to close to family in case they smell it on my breath, being totally alone with this demon. MWO has truly saved me. This is my third attempt to quit and I am currently at day 48 - the longest I have been in probably 8 years! Never felt better in my life. I'm not going to say it has been a piece of cake, because it hasn't but I can definitely tell you that it does get easier. One of things that has helped me the most is coming here and sharing everything with my "new" family. Never in my life have I witnessed the caring and support that my MWO family gives me and I've never met a one of them in person!

I truly see each day now as a blessing - I can actually remember conversations with my family and can even venture out by myself after dark (my normal drinkning hours).

Stay close and reach out for help when you need it. We are all here for you want to welcome you with open arms!