Out of the blue

[vintage girl]

Yesterday, on my 18th day I really struggled. Struggled with the urge to drink, but managed to overcome it.

Today, even though I managed to overcome the urge to drink yesterday I feel sort of overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness and regret. Not all the time, but the tears aren't far from the surface. What on earth have I done to myself?

I haven't lost anything through AL, not lost my job, my driving licence or my relationship with my DH or family, but still. It makes me so sad to think of all the times I was selfish and told lies to hide what was really going on. I feel as though I have wasted valuable time and not given 100% for so long, when others around me have put their heart and soul into it. I guess it's called regret.

Is this normal? Is it AL trying to make me chuck in my efforts to be free of it? Will it last?

Any help appreciated. I know I really don't want to drink, but how to cope with these feelings of being a fraud for so long?

Any thoughts or input from you good people would be greatly appreciated. I feel that the people here are the only people who can truly understand.

[dancingon]

Out of the blue

It's normal to have regrets. I wish I could turn the clock back.
However, today is what's important and where you go from here. Don't let your regret over your yesterdays spoil your tomorrows.

I guess you can't get away with abusing your body without some fallout. I get exasperated that I still have the occasional strong urge to drink, even though a lot of the reason I started to drink excessively has gone, and I'm feeling good. It takes at least 3 weeks to break a bad habit and 6 weeks to form new ones, and on this journey we're trying to do both. So give yourself a break.

Some people are helped by counselling to work out why they drink to excess. I haven't chosen that route, but I kind of try to step back and observe my recovery now. Why did I want a drink then? What brought that on? If I did how would I feel tomorrow. I believe I am getting stronger and gaining control. I recognise that I'm still vulnerable on occasions, but past experience now tells me that I can resist and will feel happier if I do. I'm hoping that as time goes on the process will become more natural and take up less of our thoughts, as seems to be the case with some of those who have quit long term and say they hardly give it a thought now. But that might be a way off.

[Lavande]

Out of the blue

Knowing your triggers to drink is half the battle, I think!
In my case it was unresolved long standing depression & the nasty habit of negative thinking I had picked up along the way. I wasn't always like that. I found success rather easily once I addressed those two things.

Try to remember that the early cravings turn into mere thoughts after a while. And a thought is just a thought......you don't need to act on it
Keep your commitment to remain AF first & formost in your life. You won't be sorry

Lav

[mollyka]

Out of the blue

Vintage Girl, I think the way you feel is very normal in early sobriety. Booze has such a strong control over us it can still horrify me. As a person I am (not boasting just fact) extremely honest. I hate lies and liars. I despise them.
Booze turned me into the most devious lying cunning (I thought I was cunning - yeah right!) person on earth. I unashamedly lied and connived about my drinking - and with one drink now I'd be exactly the same. I despise the person I was when drinking and with that comes regrets and guilt. The past is the past, at this stage try just to concentrate on what you are becoming - not what you were and did, time enough for that.
Molly

[Kimberley]

Out of the blue

What Sheri said.

Well done on your 18 days so far. Yes it is normal, and these regretful, guilty feelings can leave you, but it means you have to let them go, by forgiving yourself. I once asked my counsellor how I could ever forgive myself - even though loads of other people had forgiven me, I was my own worst critic. She just said it would take time. Well I waited and waited and I relapsed.

I now believe it is somethig you have to work on. By making amends and wiping the slate clean and improving yourself as a person every day. Then the 'new improved you' can look back on the old you and her behaviour with kindness and pity (the good kind, like sympathy), knowing that she was only doing what she could at the time - and the new you can forgive this other part of you, as you would another person close to you.

I hope that makes some sense!
K x

[vintage girl]

Out of the blue

Thank you all for your replies. I have read each and every one and they all make so much sense.

I think I do need to give myself a break. This morning I am telling myself that there's nothing I can do to change the past but only I can change the future. I can't allow myself the 'pity party' feelings at this stage of the game, and you are so right about where my focus needs to be.

Dancing, Lav, sheri, molly and Kimberley, thank you for taking the time to read and respond, you have no idea how much you have helped. :thanks:

[lolab]

Out of the blue

good morning vintage girl. I'm in no position to offer advice only starting day 9 on my first "real" attempt at quitting, but I can identify with you and will hopefully learn from you as I can see myself getting there...I still feel a little in a "fog" and know that I have a long road of ups and downs ahead of me.

I thank my lucky stars every day that I still have my family and haven't had to face any public ridicule due to my addiction - like so many here have had to endure....I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to quit and I truly admire those who have had to face these hardships and can turn it around and come out on top.

Just yesterday when I was driving to the grocery store, I thought, yet again - that I have spent the majority of my son's life drunk. It makes me want to throw up. I love him more than life itself and we have an incredible bond...so what made me do this? And my husband wants nothing more than to make me happy...so I repay him by "falling asleep" most nights before my head hits the pillow and not wanting to even kiss him for fear he'll smell that I've been drinking before noon...

Regrets, regrets....some days they're going to get me worse than others, but I keep trying to tell myself that it's not too late and that all has to be motivation to not relapse....that the future can be brighter, I've turned the corner and I can NOT make a U-turn. I'm amazed in 8 days how much more on top of things I am....keeping on top of homework, school projects, nice dinners, the house is clean, I've been working out....all those things that used to put a weight on my shoulders because they weren't done....just kept piling up....but now the laundry is done and put away and I spent some quality time with my family over the past weekend. :-)

Hang in there....I think we're going to have days like that - let's prop each other up when we do, OK?

[vintage girl]

Out of the blue

Thanks lolab, I am happy to report that today I feel much better and stronger, beginning to realise that EVERYTHING passes eventually, so please, don't let yourself get too down. You have done so well in getting to your eight days, it's a huge achievement, dwell on that if you can, and not the negatives.

I'll be happy to prop each other up when needed

[hillsidetime]

Out of the blue

Hi Vintage, first of all, you should be proud that you did not give in to those strong urges. It is tough. They can strike at a moment, when you least expect them. Surf them like waves. Take power in knowing that regardless of their size or duration, like a wave, they will pass. Others will come along, but that is OK.

I too, suffer from regret, and days when I am so dissapointed with myself. I would bet, most people do. One of the things that alcohol robbed me of, was a lot of my dignity. This is something that I am slowly putting back together, like a puzzle, - piece by piece, day by day, month by month. As this progresses, my feelings of regret don't seem to burn with the same heat. So perhaps, in time, this will help to decrease the intensity of your feelings of regret too.

We all did so many things, while drinking, that we wish we could erase - but we can't. We can work every day on being better people. We can work on being healthy, living healthy, and developing our love of ourselves once again. This is turn, helps all of the ones that we love. You can do it, keep fighting.
Hill