Okay,here I go.....

[Allie]

Okay,here I go.....

You're right -- it will never be the same. But that doesnt mean it will always be this hard or this bad. You will bear the scars for the rest of your life, but scars dont hurt years later to touch them. But they still show. I was still in horrible pain after one year --- you are NORMAL. I dont think that statistically men or women get over it quicker than the other; I think it totally depends on the individual. I think I grieved and reacted more like how you are. My ex-husband sounds more like your wife. My husband was living with someone else before our divorce was ever final, so the torture in my mind was like a switch I could not shut off. But it did ease with time. I think you are seeing her all happy and moved on, and you are left lifeless and empty and thinking something is wrong with you. Quite the contrary. I seriously doubt she is as happy as she seems on the surface. My ex-husband is now one of the most miserably unhappy people that I know. Depressed to the core, and has never been able to stay in a relationship or remarry after all these years. But yet he was he one who wanted out -- who was so "happy" and moving on those first few years while I on the other hand looked like the picture of despair. The tables have turned. The picture you see now is not how it will always be. Unless you choose to drown in despair and never move on -- I think that can happen to people and I hope that you will do all you can to not open the door to that. Hope you feel a little better tomorrow and dont get lost in the drink and staring at the TV tonight, okay??

Take care,
Alie

[YoungAtHeart]

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It Takes Time

Hi Havoc,

You have reserves of strength that you don't yet know about. I can tell you that because I know. I'm 10 years divorced now, and I didn't want the divorce either. I had a young child and was financially dependent and didn't know how I was going to survive at times.

I know that the holidays are hard, and I really feel for you. At the same time, you don't really know how great a time your ex is having. I don't think my ex is having a better time with his new wife than he is with me. In fact, he's made the same stupid mistakes he made with me.

Just because she "replaced you" so quickly doesn't mean you're off schedule. She has moved awfully quickly. It takes several years to really recover from divorce, so please give yourself some time to heal. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You deserve some TLC. Hopefully, TLC, doesn't have to mean booze.

Take care, and :welcome:

Warm regards,
Kathy

[Allie]

Okay,here I go.....

Bak and I were posting at same time I guess -- ditto what she said!!!

[Lucy Van Pelt]

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PS

HI ALLIE

[havoc]

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thank you....

all of you.......

[Allie]

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23 years is a long time I agree, and no I dont think you or anyone would think you could just walk away from that and go... "Okay, who's next?" I hope I didnt come across that way, because if anyone has been through it, they know it is not the case. I just think it is dangerous (and I say this from experience, so please know I am not talking down to you in any way) when certain people are not in our life anymore, that we have NO life anymore. In other words -- in my case, my happiness was all tied to the relationship -- okay, marriage (there, I said it) that I lost many years ago. When my husband left me, out of the blue, I really thought my world was over. Really. He just walked in the door one day and said... "I dont think I want to be married anymore" just as if he had said, "I dont think I want to go over to the Jones's for dinner next Tuesday." I thought it was a joke. It wasnt. I had no car, no job, was a stay-at-home Mom and he just walked out. We didnt know where he was for months. His own family didnt. The torment I lived with was indescribable. Thats when I started drinking. I never drank before. Anyway -- the answers were not simple, and things did not get better overnight, or the next week or month. It took years, but I vowed early on that I was not going to let it destroy me. That was 14 years ago, and I still go through pain at times with it because we have children together. If someone would have shown me a little video clip of my current life (like a glimpse into the future) back then of my life now, I would have never believed it was possible. I would have said that I could never love again, that my life was over. Just please dont spend all of your time watching for them in the crowd.... but turn off the T.V., and start thinking about where YOU can be in one year, two years, five years from now. You have to start living for YOU and not bury yourself with the death of your marriage. Do you have partial custody of your children? Do you get to be a part of their lives? If so, there is so much you can still impart to them, positive or negative. My heart breaks for you. I hope you can begin a path of healing. Its a journey for sure, but you can do it.

Wishing you all the best.:l
Allie

[havoc]

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The girls called crying..." he was where you used to sit, Daddy".

My God, how can ANYONE deal with this?

I can only take so much....

[YoungAtHeart]

Okay,here I go.....

Well, no one can say they aren't missing you, Havoc! I hate to sound harsh, but I hope you will pull yourself together for those girls. It sounds like they need you.

[NickC]

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Really concerned about you Havoc and your despair. Remember, whilst we all bear some blame, you are also the victim of what is in effect a highly addictive, massively advertised, designer drug. I can only imagine how you must feel, and I know you must think you are at absolute rock bottom but there is only one way to go and that is up. You're still a dad and no-one can take that away. Just take it one step at a time and you'll get there!

[betty boop]

Okay,here I go.....

Hi Havoc,

You sound like a very special person, who deserves good things to happen.

You've made a start by finding this site, well done for sharing with us.

Dig deep, you CAN get through this, we're all here for you and i'm sending you some hugs:l :l :l :l

Take care, Paula