Today is quit day
Kundalini- A past counsellor suggested some very basic meditation techniques. I've been trying to use them when zomg PANIC! sets in.. which is amazingly often. I'm not technically sober yet, but I'm sober long enough in between binges to sort of get the sense that wow, I'm a REALLY anxious person. I panic the fuck OUT all the time. (And I never knew this.. weird.)
It's just focusing on your breathing, but I might try more techniques... and hell, yoga would probably help too, my mom has taken years of yoga and would probably show me some basic poses no problem.
So, good suggestions!
Lav- Thanx for the welcome.
I love new herb suggestions! I'll have to research that one, I've never heard of it before. The name makes it sound like it's an amino acid derivation of some kind... VERY curious now, I'll have to google it.
So, now, how did today go?
WELL NOT VERY WELL, lol!
But I feel like I am making progress. I want to quit... but my efforts to quit just aren't progressing, so I'm compromising on my harm reduction plan. The problem is that I tend to fly into this panic of all or nothing thinking. I go 'OKAY SELF, QUIT NOW! NOW! PANIC!' and that turns into 'OMG BINGE!' and then 'OMG SPEND $$$ BECAUSE ITS THE LAST TIME!'
and... YEAH. That isn't helping me.
To quit I'm going to need to learn new habits, a new routine, a new way of getting through the day... it's become really clear to me that it's my THINKING that keeps me 'drinking' (b/p is totally my booze)... it's that I get all tangled up in perfectionism and anxiety and this whole mess of THOUGHTS in my head.
My actual FOOD is freaking fine. My body would probably be okay if I'd just leave it the fuck alone for about 48-72hrs. I have a THINKING problem. Not a food problem.
I feel like a parrot pulling it's feathers out. It's ultimately just a nervous anxiety habit. My blood sugar is fine (really.) My brain chemistry is also fine. It's that I psyche myself up into a panic.
Anyway.
I was reading Portia de Rossi's book on googlebooks today. She was anorexic and bulimic just like moi, so I could really relate. She talks about all the feelings that lead her to become tangled up in her ED.. and it made me wonder, why did I start getting so destructive? What was the big trigger? I'm a bit of an anomoly in EDdom in that I've not being raped or molested. (I know some alcoholics are, but not all and not NEARLY as many as ED sufferers). I just.. I don't know... felt really lost and alone and inferior all my life. And I've just kind of ignored these feelings. Or just bottled them up and numbed myself out with sugar.
LOTS and LOTS of emotional eating and drinking in my family.
So, today, I also had the intake interview for the ED clinic. And I totally cried, which is starting to be a cliche with me, lol. It's just not a REAL therapy appointment unless I CRY, right? lol. It was by phone at least, so I could bawl in the privacy of my own home. But soon I'll be going into the city to go to the appointments. I'll have to go by car rather than bus so I can CRY at the appointment, right? And not have to be on the.. well, the BUS after. xD That would be kind of embarrassing.
I also cry at Intervention now. ALL the time.
I can't wait until I start crying at Celebrity Rehab, lol! It'll happen. Just wait!
Kundalini- A past counsellor suggested some very basic meditation techniques. I've been trying to use them when zomg PANIC! sets in.. which is amazingly often. I'm not technically sober yet, but I'm sober long enough in between binges to sort of get the sense that wow, I'm a REALLY anxious person. I panic the fuck OUT all the time. (And I never knew this.. weird.)
It's just focusing on your breathing, but I might try more techniques... and hell, yoga would probably help too, my mom has taken years of yoga and would probably show me some basic poses no problem.
So, good suggestions!
Lav- Thanx for the welcome.
I love new herb suggestions! I'll have to research that one, I've never heard of it before. The name makes it sound like it's an amino acid derivation of some kind... VERY curious now, I'll have to google it.
So, now, how did today go?
WELL NOT VERY WELL, lol!
But I feel like I am making progress. I want to quit... but my efforts to quit just aren't progressing, so I'm compromising on my harm reduction plan. The problem is that I tend to fly into this panic of all or nothing thinking. I go 'OKAY SELF, QUIT NOW! NOW! PANIC!' and that turns into 'OMG BINGE!' and then 'OMG SPEND $$$ BECAUSE ITS THE LAST TIME!'
and... YEAH. That isn't helping me.
To quit I'm going to need to learn new habits, a new routine, a new way of getting through the day... it's become really clear to me that it's my THINKING that keeps me 'drinking' (b/p is totally my booze)... it's that I get all tangled up in perfectionism and anxiety and this whole mess of THOUGHTS in my head.
My actual FOOD is freaking fine. My body would probably be okay if I'd just leave it the fuck alone for about 48-72hrs. I have a THINKING problem. Not a food problem.
I feel like a parrot pulling it's feathers out. It's ultimately just a nervous anxiety habit. My blood sugar is fine (really.) My brain chemistry is also fine. It's that I psyche myself up into a panic.
Anyway.
I was reading Portia de Rossi's book on googlebooks today. She was anorexic and bulimic just like moi, so I could really relate. She talks about all the feelings that lead her to become tangled up in her ED.. and it made me wonder, why did I start getting so destructive? What was the big trigger? I'm a bit of an anomoly in EDdom in that I've not being raped or molested. (I know some alcoholics are, but not all and not NEARLY as many as ED sufferers). I just.. I don't know... felt really lost and alone and inferior all my life. And I've just kind of ignored these feelings. Or just bottled them up and numbed myself out with sugar.
LOTS and LOTS of emotional eating and drinking in my family.
So, today, I also had the intake interview for the ED clinic. And I totally cried, which is starting to be a cliche with me, lol. It's just not a REAL therapy appointment unless I CRY, right? lol. It was by phone at least, so I could bawl in the privacy of my own home. But soon I'll be going into the city to go to the appointments. I'll have to go by car rather than bus so I can CRY at the appointment, right? And not have to be on the.. well, the BUS after. xD That would be kind of embarrassing.
I also cry at Intervention now. ALL the time.
I can't wait until I start crying at Celebrity Rehab, lol! It'll happen. Just wait!
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