I am an alcoholic

[Jennifer]

I have been coming here for a few years now off and on. I have never really posted much, simply sat back and read what others were going through. When I first found this site I was looking into ?How to determine if I have a drinking problem?? I was just ?curious? right? After all, I didn?t really have a problem or anything like that, I was just making sure. There are so many people that come here and pour their heart out because they have reached that final point where they recognize that they do indeed need help. They are tired of drinking, they are tired of being ashamed, hiding their alcohol, self loathing, etc. I am here today because I am an alcoholic and I do need and want help. I have been drinking since I was in my early 20?s and I am now 44 years old. I look back and can?t recall one single time that alcohol has ever worked in my favor. Every single bad thing or decision that I have done or made has been directly related to the consumption of alcohol. I have a grown son, and I feel I was a good mother. But honestly I could have been a great mother if I wasn?t drinking all the time. I have a wonderful husband who has asked me so many times to please just quit drinking. And I do? for a day or two and then I?m going to just have one to relax and because I have done such a good job of not drinking for the last two days. I deserve it right? I now know that moderation of any kind, at least for me will put me right back where I was in short order. I have had times of alcohol free periods but not for quite some time. I fear for my health. I fear for my marriage and my family. I can?t remember when the last time was that I didn?t have a drink. It began as a weekend routine, followed by a nightly routine and now sometimes an all day routine. After yet another night of fighting with my husband for absolutely no reason other than something I made up in my head out of paranoia, mean things said, and the eventual passing out on the couch and waking up full of shame and regret, I have vowed once again that this time I will make it. I have cleared all traces of alcohol from my home, which puts in a state of panic, thrown away my trusty old friend of ?my favorite coffee cup? which has not had any coffee in it for years and am determined not to ruin the rest of my life or that of those I love so dearly. I read the heart breaking stories on this site and I am terrified I am going to be there soon if I?m not already. I can relate to so many people, because we all have the same story we are just in different chapters. Each of us has an end to our own story and I pray mine will be sobriety and success at beating this horrible addiction. I am scared and I do not want to feel alone with this beast anymore. I don?t want to feel paranoid because I can?t remember what I said or did or the eventual shame that always follows when I do. So today is day one. I am thirsty, I am tired and I am terrified of not succeeding and eventual outcome if I do not. I am an alcoholic and I do need help!

[allswell]

I am an alcoholic

Jennifer,

Thanks for sharing your story. Like you said, most all of us have the same story we're just at different chapters. Sounds like you know what needs to be done and that's the start. Sending nothing but positives your way.

[myhappyplace]

I am an alcoholic

Hi Jen

I wouldnt normally post on a new thread like this so quickly coz I feel I am so early days myself and no expert. But your right in that we all share the same story, intelligent people who deserve happiness and shouldnt go seeking it with AL, but do only to end in another pointless exercise of shame and guilt. You do have the chance to re write your story now and go on to have a different life. Support is here, just stay put and read and learn. Its working for me so far and my story is very similar to yours. Here for you, happy.

[sunshinedaisies]

I am an alcoholic

Oh Jennifer - your post really touched me - it is ALL of us here! If you have been around the site, then you do know your options. So - do you have a plan? You know that you need one. are you going to try and go AF with or without meds to help? You know about the toolbox. I feel your pain but only you can make the final choice. It is SO hard as we all know. Tell us all what your plan is and then we can be here to cheer you on.

Hugs to you, Sunshinedaisies x

[damo180]

I am an alcoholic

Welcome back Jennifer.
You made a huge step just by admitting you have a problem with alcohol.
This site is working for me and its amazing members are of great help with advice and encouragement.

I am sure you know it CAN be tough but you CAN beat this.
Please stick with it, take it one day at a time. Then maybe make it your goal to abstain for a week, then 30 days.
I am finding the cravings lessening each day, and am now almost 60 days AF.
I try log on at least once a day , reading the tool thread, and everyones stories and advice.

The very best of luck with staying sober, the benefits of being AF far outweigh the depression after a binge or a hangover from hell.

All the very best.

Damo

[EnglishWriter77]

I am an alcoholic

HI Jennifer,

I am on day 1 again myself after managing about 60 days alcohol free, so I feel your thirst! Well done on coming back and I hope together we can beat this curse!

As always your words ring sadly so true to me as I know every bad thing I have done in my life has been caused by alcohol and I have neglected my friends and family many times over which saddens me.

However, we must try not to worry too much about who we are, or were, but who we WILL be.

All the best,

EW

[Jennifer]

I am an alcoholic

I am going to try AF with no meds. I have owned the book for a few years and have read it several times. I am familiar with the tools that are provided here and all of the wonderful support. I was not ready in the past to admit that I had a problem to myself or others. I have come clean at home with family and with friends and now here. I have admitted that I am indeed an alcoholic. That moderation is not possible for me and that I am seeking help. I going to try therapy as well. So, in the meantime I will be here, reading and learning. Thank you for your support. Chapter one......Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I will make one whole day with no alcohol! Today is that day.

[Doggygirl]

I am an alcoholic

Hi Jennifer. My name is DG and I'm an alcoholic too. WHEW. What a relief just to say it, eh? Good for you coming clean with the people closest to you. I have found honesty to be such a wonderful asset in my own journey. My loved ones WANT to see me happy and sober and by being honest with them, I can also let them know exactly what they can do to help me. I am blessed that they (especially my husband) WANTS to help me. Instead of dancing around the elephant in the middle of the room, without discussing it (aka me being in denial), we have grown closer in mutual respect and support. I know it doesn't always work out that way, but honesty at least makes it possible.

TODAY is what matters. Who are we going to be TODAY? For me that's the only day worth focusing on.

Strength and hope to you. If I can do it, and all these other people here can do it, I know you can do it too.

DG

[mollyka]

I am an alcoholic

Welcome Jennifer, yes we've all been there to lesser or greater degrees! If you mean everything and you have admitted to yourself that yes you have an alcohol problem and yes you cannot moderate and yes today is the day - you WILL succeed. No half arsed attempt will work- believe you me I know that! 100% commitment is needed and it sounds like you have that, and yes, it can be hard - but the rewards are amazing. I actually cannot identify with the woman I was a year ago, my life is just so different. I've had my moments, and have cocked up a couple of times, but I kept coming back - and I just feel this time I've 'got it' - please read back on your last post if you feel weak - that's what you want - that's what you can have.
Best of luck and keep posting, this place is life saving - truly
Molly

[KundaliniGirl]

I am an alcoholic

:welcome:Hi Jennifer, just wanted to welcome you. Sounds like you know what you need to do. This is a wonderful place -- amazing, really.

Sending you peace and strength,

KG

[prancy]

I am an alcoholic

Welcome Jennifer. We have all experienced what you scribe or we wouldn't be here. Share your challenges and successes and we will all be here, supporting each other.

[Ravenscallingme]

I am an alcoholic

Hugs and welcome, Jennifer. I'm new but not-really new myself. I can really relate to where you are right now... I've read that it's the hardest step of all to just admit that you DO have a problem.

It's hard, but it's a relief too. Naming a problem is the first step to solving it, right?

Good luck on your journey to sobriety, we are indeed all on this path together.

[papmom3]

I am an alcoholic

Hi Jennifer and welcome! You have taken such a huge step and I hope you feel some relief among the other feelings that are completely normal. You have been very brave-remember that when you feel weak. ODAT-it works.
Please post regularly now-it was a primary tool in my toolbox to keep a journal nightly in the General section. I like to go back every once in a while and reread it so I never forget.
Please feel free to PM me if you ever need some extra support.
On to day 2 girl!!

:l :h

[Lavande]

I am an alcoholic

Hi Jennifer,
Welcome, you know MWO is a good place!
I came here two years ago hoping to get control & drink like a normal person. Well, while I was doing the first 30 AF days I suddenly & profoundly came to the realization that I can never be a moderate drinker, don't even want to try. I'm perfectly happy being AF, healthier & enjoying life much more than I ever have. I owe it all to MWO & the wonderful people here who have supported me.

Wishing you the very best on your journey - there is a better life out there without AL

Lav

[Jennifer]

I am an alcoholic

Thank you all so much for your support. I am feeling a little shaky tonight but I know this will pass. I am going to take an Advil PM and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and and will have one day under my belt. I look forward to a clear head, no more untruths, a clean conscience. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Thank you again so much for your kindness.