Back at the bottom of the barrel!

[mollyka]

Back at the bottom of the barrel!

Hey Hips, these timezones are a pain in the butt aren't they!! Yep the horseriding sounds great - we get loads of groups of disabled kids in where I work and they are so rewarding to work with, they absorb so much and have no cynicism about them. I would love what you're doing, used to exercise horses when I was a teenager for a riding school, but like you had a fright and only got back to it a few years ago. My daughter and I went to a place near us, and I was given this huge old carthorse, needed I s'pose cos I was so big and fat, and I used to feel like an elephant on him - also stomach churning the whole time from the previous nights drinking:upset:
Fast forward to the weekend before last, hubs and I went to a lovely hotel and went horseriding - he was given the carthorse and I got this jiggy little white mare and I felt like a million dollars! I truly truly hate the person mad drinking turned me into!
Keep up the good fight girl:goodjob:
Molly

[Wagoneer]

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Hey Hip - so nice to see you back and you are on the right path! You should be proud of yourself. That wine takes a while to leach out of your system - I know that! Best of luck friend - you can do this! We are here for you

K

[Hippy Chick]

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Thanks Molly and Wagoneer. Woke up this morning feeling so much better. Just laid there for a minute enjoying the fact that I didnt feel like shit for a change. And it was purely because I did get drunk last night! YAY! I was looking forward to getting that feeling back. Day 4 and a Friday which is usually my drinks after work day..... One day/hour/minute at a time!
Have a good day.
Thanks for your support
Hip

[mollyka]

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Hey Hips, not sure if I'm readin your post right - are you ok? Keep on here won't you?
Thinkin of you
Molly

[Hippy Chick]

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Hi Molly,

I am fine. (my husband says F.I.N.E. stands for F*@ked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional all of which I am LOL)

Thanks for your concern. Fridays have traditionally been my hard day when not drinking as I feel I deserve a drink after working so hard (NOT) all week. Any excuse. But I had a plan in place and stuck to it. I am ensuring I keep logging on here as when I become complacent I get into trouble.

Hope your week went well. Come join the party in the nest.... Lav is two years sober today!

Take care and talk to you soon.

J

[Guitarista]

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Yo HC!

Congratulation's on day 5!

The truth is, that many of us cannot stop at 1 or 2 drink's like other's can. This is a pain in the a@#, but once we recognise this, we just then have to work on accepting it. It's a hard reality to accept, and i don't know exactly why i'm this way too, (family history, body chemistry, poor self image in the past) but i just know it is how i am, and that's okay. So, i just get on with my life. It's sort of a bit like some folk are allergic to peanut's, dairy product's, etc, well, i'm allergic to booze! And even if i didn't have a drinking (thinking) problem, i'd still be much better off, and have a much richer life being AF. I have a couple of friends who don't have a drinking problem at all, but they simply choose not to drink, as it spoils their quality of life at that moment.

Anyway, i'm babbling on again. Good to see you.

The decision to take back our lives by giving up the grog, is heroic.

[mollyka]

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Ah good to hear you're ok - think I just misread your post! All good here, I know after the times I drank after being sober, I found it took a while to lose the 'stinkin thinkin'. And yes Guit. it is hard to accept, but accept it we must! Yesterday a work colleague who's goin to weightwatchers was telling me bout all the boozy nights she has planned for the weekend and then asked me how I 'stayed' thin - she didn't know me 2 years ago! I just said I gave up drink and lost heaps. She went off thinkin bout it - she's a lovely girl, she's only 28, but I can see where she's headed, she drinks mindblowing amounts when she's on the tear, I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her - but like the rest of us she has to go through the black times I s'pose to get to that place in her head!
Nice mild day here so off out to the garden. Heading to the nest shortly to visit Lav - I am so happy for her with 2 years - she kept me on the straight and narrow more than once!!
Molly

[Hippy Chick]

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Hi Guitarista and Molly.

Nice to see again Guitarista. I would have thought I would have just accepted by now that I cant drink.... Has taken me 30 years and still havent learn! Oh well keep plodding along, one day at a time.
Take care both of you
Hip

[Mazzie]

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I have to remind myself every day that I cannot drink. I have proved this to myself over and over but after my last episode 6 weeks ago I feel such fear and disgust of ever drinking again that it has finally sunk in and I have acceptance. I remind myself of that episode every time I feel even the slightest 'fancy'. If I have to remind myself every minute for the rest of my life then so be it. That will be so much better than repeating that episode or even worse. My eldest daughter is getting married in December and my al brain is already telling me that at such an occasion I could surely just have one glass to celebrate, in fact I should because it would be expected!!!

Hip, hang in there mate. ODAT is good. I have to make myself go do other things at witching hour and the time passes and I realise that I have done it again and am al free, I feel peaceful calm and have a smile on my face.

Lets just keep going ODAT

Maz

[Hippy Chick]

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Hi Mazzie,

You sound like you really have got it now. I am so pleased for you. I need to concentrate on the bad things that happened during the last binge rather than making it something it wasnt. I would love to have acceptance that I cant drink EVER again. Good on you.

Isnt it funny how the we think about having a drink at a celebration/holiday/whatever, yet we dont think the people we will talk to or if we will have a dance or what we will wear, etc. Last night a friend told me about a cruise that she is going on next year. As much as I love cruises I immediately dismissed going with her because I dont want to have to deal with not drinking on holiday. I would rather not go on a fantastic holiday than have to not drink! That astounds even me....

I certainly have a long way to go, but I am doing it ODAT and today I will not drink.

Take care Maz.
Hip

[dancingon]

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Hi Hippy
Sounds like you're doing well. I think that's the problem - you're view of things shifts.
Although I have been able to drink moderately a few times this month, it hasn't been that enjoyable. I drink differently now. It feels confusing when I do it, rather than enjoyable. Success in moderation to me would be to be able to drink 1 or 3 and not have to count or worry. Success would be to enjoy the taste and not monitor the level in the bottle. I have learned through the hypno CD's to sip not guzzle, but it still doesn't feel free. I felt free after 30 days AF. In my 20s I drank about 4/5 times a year, and I may be returning to that default setting. Unfotunately, it's a bit like giving birth - you forget why you never want to go there again. That's why quite a few fall off the wagon after quite long time.

[mollyka]

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It would be lovely to be able to re-train the brain alright Dance! And Hips, I fully understand what you say about the cruise, even now it wouldn't appeal to me - all that drinking and me stuck on a boat - I'd feel like someone asked me to go to the pub and stay there for a week!
Mazzie, my daughter was 21 bout 2 years ago, was tinkering in my head about truly 'realizing' there was a big prob, hadn't done much about it tho - but I did decide not to drink that day - I knew I had the potential to spoil the party by falling asleep or forgettin peoples names or something - I've been very glad ever since that I didn't!

[dancingon]

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Good moment Molly. You won't regret that one.
Hippy, I'm not in Christchurch, but it's the next big city up the road - about 2 hours drive. I still can't get my head around the fact that it will never be the same again.
Life is too short to waste

[mollyka]

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How bloody right you are Dancing, I know it sounds like cliches - but we really only do live once, and we have to make it as good as possible - sometimes with compromises - not a bad thing really - constantly seeking gratification is ok for momentary pleasure, but I find in the long run, when I feel good about myself and the people I care about round me are happier, life just seems - better!
I was reading Hipster how your hubs likes when you're drinking??? My oul lad hates me drinking, with a vengeance, and to be honest if he was encouraging me to drink I'd find it very difficult, cos silly and juvenile as it may seem, sometimes just the thought of his puss face if I went on a tear is enough to put me off. I do know that he misses a drinking buddy alright, but on balance I reckon that's not me:H
Hope you all have/are having a lovely lazy sober Sunday!
Molly

[Hippy Chick]

Back at the bottom of the barrel!

Hi Dancing and Moll and everyone else who pops by.

Woke up again with no hangover - what a great feeling. Actually quite enjoyed the weekend. Was able to spend some time in my lovely garden and caught up with alot of old friends. Am learning how to contribute to a conversation without AL's help. Isnt it strange that I am learning how to socialise without being pissed at the ripe old age of 46! Isnt that something I should have learn in my early years.
I have been thinking alot about growing up and I realise now that I have always had issues with anxiety and panic attacks when dealing with people just didnt have a name for it then. I think that is why when I discovered AL at 14 and realised how much easier communicating was with AL in my system, being immature I didnt know that I needed to learn how to do it without a chemical helper. And it has taken 30 + years to start to fix it!

Oh well at least I am finally doing it.....

Dancing - I went to NZ in January. What a lovely place! We went on a cruise from Melbourne to Milford Sound, Dunedin, Christchurch, Wellington (was supposed to go to Napier but couldnt get it as it was too rough), Tauranga and Auckland. I loved every minute of it. It is soooooo pretty and the people were just fantastic. What I loved most (apart from the scenery) was the way the (white) people treated the Maori's. It was so refreshing to see how the Maori traditions and history was repected. Alot of the white people (I hate saying white but you know what I mean) even spoke the language and knew the folklore and history. We cant say that in Australia. The indigenous are treated so badly and I certainly wouldnt know any words or stories. Would love to go back in the winter.

Anyway, am feeling strong and alive thanks to all of you and this wonderful site. Talk to you later.

Hip