:h hi everybody........just read on a member's thread that usually alcoholics are drawn to drinking by bad feelings, like depression, sadness or any other negative state of mind there is the world.........and at first I thought - Man, that's right! that's me... - but 5 seconds later I realized it IS true I drink when I am very upset or sad or deeply depressed or all the above......but it is also true I very often drink for the very opposite reason: cos I am happy and somehting fantastic happened or I 've just had a very good day or I have just done something I love and it turned out perfect and so on and so on.......so...what is the pattern.....IS THERE ACTUALLY A PATTERN???
......you know, the last week end I went out with my husband and friends - very good friends - and of course they know I like drinking and every once in a while they do drink a bit more too - my hubby does drink a lot too when he decides he wants to, but can really control himself very very VERY well , he CAN STOP- so we were out, like many times before.......but.....last time......I did not really do anything terrible or unforgivable or anything.....but, this time I remember very well the senseless speech, very senseless speech, and my girlfriends staring at each other for a split second trying to figure out what I just said, and I remember coming back from the restroom and not finding the table and them all - ALL, 6 OF THEM - looking at me thinking what is she doing, and also remember having a very quick and stupid argument with my husband and walking off and every single friend was staring at me, puzzeld........the previous times I knew I had done something stupid but I did not remember, and I knew it had not been a big deal - ........but this time, THIS TIME I remember their faces, their looks, my feelings at the very moment, their looking at me, me being not able to speak a proper sentence, not even to explain myself, cos I couldn't......and they are people I often hang out with, they do know I like drinking, but.....seeing their faces watching me and remebering them, knowing that they knew I was FRICKIN' DRUNK when I usually could be tipsy and too happy but in control, IN CONTROL..... - and the worst thing is there were my friends' brother and his wife......we had enjoyed drinks before, they knew I liked dirnking but had always been in control even if VERY happy cos of alcohol....but this time........this time they saw I was wasted and did not know what I was doing.....did not know what Iwas saying........of course this has happened before with collegues and not-so-close friends, but it was allright, everything ended in a joke.......but this time it ain't a joke, they - my friends and their relatives - saw I was drunk, this time it was with the peolple I hang out with trying to be normal......... this time I DO REMEMBER I WAS WASTED AND I WAS WITH THEM, and their faces, their looks.... nothing judging or disgusted of course, and thank god....but still, they knew, the F***CK they did, and evreytime I think about it - 300 times a day - it is so ashaming and horrible and impossible to get over with I sometimes think I don't wanna see them again for 10 years.......but then again I love them deeply, really deeply......and will see them probably next week-end........, SO, my fellow desperate alcohol dependant friends: I am sorry I bored you with this stupid nonsense, but i just wanted to share this feeling with somebody, and who on earth better than you guys........don't forget my first question.......sorry again, next time I'll try to be more interesting......
by the way, I started the night forcing myself to have a beer, just to relax - been taking kudzu and glutam, thought they were doing magic, real magic - ........and little by little had a bottle of wine and 4 beers, just because I wanted to feel better, a lot better than I was feeling, even if it was good enough without alcohol...... but Ineeded somethinfg more, better........I was totally ok..........but wanted more, did not feel like dirnking at all, but ended up drinking cos it was the only thing to feel better, totally better, even without a major reason.......I know tomorrow I 'll want to kill myself.......what a torture... .hugs:sorry:
......you know, the last week end I went out with my husband and friends - very good friends - and of course they know I like drinking and every once in a while they do drink a bit more too - my hubby does drink a lot too when he decides he wants to, but can really control himself very very VERY well , he CAN STOP- so we were out, like many times before.......but.....last time......I did not really do anything terrible or unforgivable or anything.....but, this time I remember very well the senseless speech, very senseless speech, and my girlfriends staring at each other for a split second trying to figure out what I just said, and I remember coming back from the restroom and not finding the table and them all - ALL, 6 OF THEM - looking at me thinking what is she doing, and also remember having a very quick and stupid argument with my husband and walking off and every single friend was staring at me, puzzeld........the previous times I knew I had done something stupid but I did not remember, and I knew it had not been a big deal - ........but this time, THIS TIME I remember their faces, their looks, my feelings at the very moment, their looking at me, me being not able to speak a proper sentence, not even to explain myself, cos I couldn't......and they are people I often hang out with, they do know I like drinking, but.....seeing their faces watching me and remebering them, knowing that they knew I was FRICKIN' DRUNK when I usually could be tipsy and too happy but in control, IN CONTROL..... - and the worst thing is there were my friends' brother and his wife......we had enjoyed drinks before, they knew I liked dirnking but had always been in control even if VERY happy cos of alcohol....but this time........this time they saw I was wasted and did not know what I was doing.....did not know what Iwas saying........of course this has happened before with collegues and not-so-close friends, but it was allright, everything ended in a joke.......but this time it ain't a joke, they - my friends and their relatives - saw I was drunk, this time it was with the peolple I hang out with trying to be normal......... this time I DO REMEMBER I WAS WASTED AND I WAS WITH THEM, and their faces, their looks.... nothing judging or disgusted of course, and thank god....but still, they knew, the F***CK they did, and evreytime I think about it - 300 times a day - it is so ashaming and horrible and impossible to get over with I sometimes think I don't wanna see them again for 10 years.......but then again I love them deeply, really deeply......and will see them probably next week-end........, SO, my fellow desperate alcohol dependant friends: I am sorry I bored you with this stupid nonsense, but i just wanted to share this feeling with somebody, and who on earth better than you guys........don't forget my first question.......sorry again, next time I'll try to be more interesting......
by the way, I started the night forcing myself to have a beer, just to relax - been taking kudzu and glutam, thought they were doing magic, real magic - ........and little by little had a bottle of wine and 4 beers, just because I wanted to feel better, a lot better than I was feeling, even if it was good enough without alcohol...... but Ineeded somethinfg more, better........I was totally ok..........but wanted more, did not feel like dirnking at all, but ended up drinking cos it was the only thing to feel better, totally better, even without a major reason.......I know tomorrow I 'll want to kill myself.......what a torture... .hugs:sorry:
Comment