don't know what to

[mondmobil]

Dear all,
first of all I don't write a lot here (mostly reading) partly because my mother tongue is German and it takes me quite a while to write a post here (struggling with finding the right words..) so please excuse me if I don't answer to posts as quickly as it would be polite in my opinion...

But it's the best and most helpful forum dealing with alcoholism (I did not find any forum in Germany or Austria that comes near this one, you all being so understanding and supportive!
Now I need some advise - I browsed here and did not find anything dealing with the challenge I am facing right at the moment (happy about any link that I might have missed)

I heard of the (sound) advice to avoid your drinking buddies, but for me, this is extremely hard if not nearly impossible. I am not socializing a lot and the only friend I meet regularly (once a week) is very dear to my heart. Unfortunately, he likes to party a lot, drinks a lot, needs all kind of action and gets bored quite easily. But he also lightens my day, he is funny and caring - a wonderful person to put ist short.

I succeeded to stay AF for a week now (which for me is a long time and I was sooo proud of myself) but yesterday I met this friend and we had our first drink by noon (!!) and never stopped until we parted in the evening. I feel like I completely destroyed my (small) success in trying to quit.

I really don't know how to deal with this. I would never accuse him of seducing me to drink, he does not try to persuade me or anything like that - it's completely MY fault, I get weak, am so easily persuaded.. Also I fear that he might miss our alcohol-induced "good times" (ha,ha, of course they are not if we drink to much) and get bored with me. You might argue that under these circumstances this is a worthless relationship (and maybe you have a point here) but please believe me: It is more than just alcohol that keeps us together, much much more, he was always there for me when I needed him, what's more: he can't be blamed because I think he has an alcohol problem himself, he has a rough time right now and suffers from depression quite often.

Thank you all for reading this post, which got a bit long and oozes with self-pity, but I needed so badly to spill my heart (feeling a bit better already :-)).

I would be extremely grateful for any advice: What would you do if you were in my shoes? Anyone out there who has/had similar experiences and is willing to share them with me? It would be so comforting to know that there is someone who was/is in a similar situation.

Thanks a lot to all of you!
Love, mondmobil

[Guitarista]

don't know what to

Hi Mondmobil, and a big welcome to you!

Many of us are in this situation, or have been, and it's something i've had to deal with before too. Firstly, don't worry! You don't need to end your friendship with this person. However, when i stopped drinking, for the first weeks and months, i had to avoid my drinking buddies, at least when they were drinking, or at a bar, or a party. I had to hibernate like a bear in winter! Only until i felt strong enough in my sobriety. I had to keep away from drinking friends for a few months, until i was stronger, and sure of my path. Good friend's, real friend's, will understand this. Now, i'm out with my drinking friends at bar's and parties and enjoy myself, and their company, until they all get a bit drunk, at which time i leave, and that's okay. I have still kept the good, true friendship's, and always will. We sometimes may need to leave destructive influences and 'friendships' behind and move on, but for me at least, the real and true friendships have remained.

Get yourself right first. Do what you have to do to heal yourself, and the rest will follow. Check out our https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

Best wishes, and great to see you.

G-bloke.

[mario]

don't know what to

Hi Mondmobil,welcome to mwo,
You have to be truthfull to yourself and truthfull to your friend that your drinking is becoming a problem and you need to stop,for a while at least,If he is a true friend he will understand, But your first priority in this battle has to be you,goodluck with this and keep reading & posting.

[mylife]

don't know what to

Hello Mond and welcome! It is a very positive thing is that you have a desire to stop and you are seeking support! That is a great place to start.

I would have to agree with Guitarista you may have to avoid this friend for awhile until you are comfortable with your sobriety. That doesn't mean forever, but maybe for a short period of time. Also, have you tried telling him what you're trying to do? Maybe if you talk about it together it could be something he might want to try as well.

I wish you luck with your journey. Life is so much better when we're not hungover! You can do it. Congratulations on taking the first step! :welcome:

[RedJib]

don't know what to

Welcome, mondmobil!

It's awkward and difficult when you quit AL, then have to decide what to do about a close friend who drinks. I haven't figured this one out yet either. Right now, 3 months sober, I'm doing 'avoidance.' One friend of more than 25 years is someone that I'd see at least once or twice a month, often at couples' nights/get-togethers, and we usually had a good time. I've noticed over the past couple of years that he's drinking a great deal; whenever the wine is poured he's downing it twice as fast as everybody else, and if hosts don't top him up, he helps himself. Last year we had a big barbecue and he was so [quietly] drunk that he spent the last part of the evening in our bathroom, then vomited all over the driveway as they left. (Wife didn't seem to have clued in that he was already high when they arrived, and then later she was annoyed at us, like it was our fault for making him get drunk!)

Since then, and especially since I stopped drinking, we haven't done much socializing at all, and they're miffed at us. I know it would be pointless to bring up drinking in a conversation with this couple (they're both in way more denial than I ever was, and totally don't think it's an issue), and really, their drinking isn't any of my business. My own sobriety is more important than keeping close contact with people who drink to get drunk everyday. How they choose to live their lives is up to them, and though I sometimes miss my buddy, I also know that he really hasn't been 'present' for the past couple of years (I think AL is doing something bad to his brain, too. Impaired memory, no motivation, negative attitude about life...)

It sounds like your friendship is much closer than mine has been with this buddy, but I think you still may need to make the same decision to separate yourself for awhile from a relationship that nearly always involved drinking together. You're still in the early stages of a brand new relationship with your sober self, and you may discover that the needs which were met by that other friendship aren't there or aren't the same anymore, either. Whatever happens, care for your self first--your sober self! Good luck.

Jib

[mondmobil]

don't know what to

thanks so much to all of you who shared your thoughts with me! :l You are right, I should have told him way earlier about my worries concerning our excessive drinking - but I was ashamed, I did not want him to know how addicted I already was..
But he has to know and so I sent him a long email today, I'll wait and see how he is going to react...

I believe my reluctance to pour my heart out to him (normally, I am a very straightforward person) is my fear of the changes this will inevitably bring to our relationship, we will need to find new activities that won't trigger our destructive drinking, now that will be a challenge any ideas..?

I am afraid I won't be able to stop seeing him for the next few months (even tough it would be better I know) but he has a lot of worries of his own right now and after all he has done for me in the past I just can't run out on him. But I think of maybe taking antabuse before meeting him, what would you say? I have not the best experiences with this med (by the way, I am also taking baclofen), but I would do nearly anything to quit drinking

I read the tool box, it helped a lot, I know now where I have my weak spots - one of them is that I find it very difficult to put myself first (you have a point here, Mario, speaking about priorities..) For me, this will certainly be one of the most difficult lessons to learn..

Thanks again for helping!! Have a wonderful day (and weekend)! mondmobil

[ATLThrash]

don't know what to

It sounds like you all have way more of a bond than booze though-- so I think that things could be fine. I bet when he gets the email he will reach out to you and just want you to feel better. When I was cutting down on the drinking and stopping alot of it I asked my husband not to drink-- he may not have loved doing it but he did stop it until I felt better-- I am having abig bump with it all now but it certainly was not his fault. I had to ask him to stop in front of me also recently. I hope it goes well!

[coalfire]

don't know what to

You are a good friend that much is obvious. I think it is about boundaries. Lets turn this round.

You have a friend who has missed a mortgage repayment just so he could meet you for dinner. How would you feel? Horrified probably.

You have a friend who ended up in hospital because even though she is allergic to shellfish she ate the dish you had prepared because she did not want to offend you. How would you feel ? Horrified probably.

You have a friend who left her 6 month baby alone in the house because she knew you needed some company. How would you feel? Horrified probably.

You are dealing with the absolute killer disease of alcoholism(I presume)
How would your friend feel if he knew you were risking your life and your health just because you felt obliged to meet him in a bar?

HORRIFIED PROBABLY.

I am glad you sent the email. If he is a good friend he will rush to suggest other things that you can do together. If he doesn't then he does not care about you...or not enough anyway. It seems to be normal for recovering alcoholics to lose a few fairweathered friends. It hurts for a while but life seems to go on for them. I hope your friend does not disappoint you but if he does it is HIS problem not yours.Just say goodbye and keep going.It is good that you care about your friend but it would be foolish to place your friendship above your own health.

This is a good article I think. Personality Advice: Tips On Becoming Assertive

[Doggygirl]

don't know what to

Hi Mondmobil and welcome. How wonderful you have joined us and are going through the extra effort to communicate in a second language!!

I initially resisted telling people that I could no longer drink. I think there were two factors at play, if I am completely honest with myself.

1) By trying to keep my AL problem and non-drinking status a secret, I keep the door open to drink again without any feelings of embarrassment for going back on my word.

2) I am prideful and don't like to admit to anyone that I have problems.

I was not able to involve myself in drinking situations for quite some time after I first got sober. By telling your friend the truth, you leave the door open for selecting non-drinking activities and maintaining your friendship in the near term without AL in the picture.

The bottom line is that I had to put my sobriety first in order to get sober. Putting other people first and other things first kept me drinking.

All the best to you on your journey!

DG

[coalfire]

don't know what to

Doggygirl;1094911 wrote:

1) By trying to keep my AL problem and non-drinking status a secret, I keep the door open to drink again without any feelings of embarrassment for going back on my word.

2) I am prideful and don't like to admit to anyone that I have problems.

DG

Its interesting reading that after Emilys "The word thread in the GD section.

Hmmmm followed by hmmmm followed by hmmmm:H

I hear you DG i hear you!

Number 1 is making me squirm and I really don't want to think about why.
No-the Scarlett OHara approach remains..for today anyway.:lalala:

For anyone reading this wondering what the heck I am on about see Emilys thread

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9/word-49291.html

[mondmobil]

don't know what to

wow.......

:thanks: coalfire for posting the article, i ve just finished reading it, it's very helpful and just hits the mark.......... what you wrote really put my problems into perspective. Of course it won't help anyone if I harm myself just to be "nice" or to please others.

Normally (with people around me I don't know well like co-workers etc) I can be quite assertive, but when it comes to my loved ones (which are not that much because it takes veery long until I confide in others) I am melting away instantly and forget about caring for myself (not always, but quite too often.)

And Jib, the things you wrote made me sad, it must be hard to lose a friend of 25years, that's a long time! I feel sorry for him but I think you did the right thing even though it can't have been easy for you.. (maybe he also envys you your success in kicking the habit?) I just cannot believe that he does not know it is an issue, but then again, I was never very good at denial so who knows...

as I notice my english worsens (always the case when I am getting tired) I will stop for now (it's already bedtime in Vienna

I want you all to know that you really helped me through the day!! :h

[Lavande]

don't know what to

Hi mondmobil!

Your communication in English is excelllent

I think the general message here is about taking care of yourself first so you can be prepared to take care of someone else! You sound like a very good friend & that is commendable. But really - you don't have to drink on the level of your friend (or drink at all) to be present for him. Sometimes telling little 'white lies' just to get through those early days of sobriety is perfectly OK.

Or tell him that you will talk to him, listen to him but do it without a drink in your hand. Tell him the truth is that you feel better not drinking these days! He should not be offended by a simple statement like that.

I hope you can find a good way to deal with your situation.
Wishing you the best

Lav

[noodle]

don't know what to

Hi x

Hi Mondmobil,
:welcome:
You've got some great advice here, but just wanted to chip in and say that I'm also facing this problem, nearly all my friends are BIG drinkers, but I'm starting to realise thats probably why we are such good friends to be honest. I've decided to give this my best shot possible, no half measures, and in doing that I've told EVERYBODY that I've stopped drinking. I've not gone into the gory reasons why with most people, and all of my nearest and dearest have been very supportive. I must admit I've been in hibernation for most of it (14 days today) but thats mainly to try and get a good rest as my sugar levels are all over the place and so feel a bit shakey and tired.
I think this is one of those occassions where being up-front and honest is the only way forward, which takes guts!
Good luck xxxx :h

[coalfire]

don't know what to

I am glad it helped. Think of the advice the crew give you in aeroplanes during the safety demo.
Put on your own oxygen mask first!

[Wagoneer]

don't know what to

Hi Mondmobil

I too had to do get away from my drinking friend. She was my neighbor/friend/wine drinking buddy. Everytime she came over she brought a big bottle. Having her around certainly escalated my drinking, but it was ME that put the glass to my lips, not her. After I got sober, she kind of disappeared. I found out that without the alcohol blurring our minds, she was kind of annoying and a huge drama queen. I love her but through sober eyes have finally seen that her drinking ruined her life and her kids. I caught mine in time (hopefully). I miss her, but not enough to hang out wth her again. I am so much happier and healthier now thanks to sobriety. It is really hard to cut someone off. But maybe this will be a wake up call for him too - maybe he will realize that life still can be good wthout the booze. Best of luck to you.