Yet another attempt

[stepintime]

I am on board with all of you, having been trying to recover from this hideous illness for over 10 years. I am a daily 'binge' drinker - with only the odd 1 or 2 days off in all that time. I am an active AA member, and whilst I admit, I do struggle with the God thing, I realise I have to do whatever it takes, to get well and if that means believing in a power greater than me, then that's what I have to do. Like many of you here, my drinking gets worse everytime I pick up.
The humiliation, shame, guilt, remorse, paranoia and resentments magnify and crucify me from the minute I open my eyes. I dont want to spend the rest of my life with all that on my small shoulders.
I realise now, that I have an illness that wants me dead. An illness, that tells me I haven't got it.
The insanity, of continuing to do something that is killing me, that causes me so much pain and heartache - not to mention what it does to those who love me (as this is a family illness, affecting everyone around me), is - well, absolute insanity.
I'm on my fourth day today AF, and it's tough. ...mentally, and physically tough, but I know if I carry on drinking the way I am, then I really will die from this.
Ive been a member here for a few years now, and sometimes feel no further forward than when I came here, I know tho, that reading and sticking with the possitive messages - here, and in my AA meetings, that maybe there is a chance I can do this. After all, what choices do I have left now ? Death ?? And what havoc would that cause to the people that I leave behind ?
Good luck to all of us. We need it.
Godbless
Max. :l

[vintage girl]

Yet another attempt

Hi step, sorry you are feeling so low. Every journey begins with a single step, maybe treat yourself to a sober day and a bit of pampering and really just take that first step? Don't think long term...just for today. You can do it, and when you wake up sober tomorrow things will feel a lot better. Sending you strength and hugs. :l

[Stargazerlily]

Yet another attempt

Stepintime,
Just wanted to post to encourage you. I have struggled for a long time myself and this time around it seems to be different. I want to be free of this burden, I want to be healthy, I want to have fun, have peace, respect myself. I know you want that too. You have the power, please believe this.

Sending you hope and strength.

[DSLR]

Yet another attempt

Hi max, nice to meet you. I have only been here a while but the benefits I have gained from it have been without bounds. I had no expectations that this time of trying to stop, (or at least stopping long enough for me to sort my head out to find out what is going on) was going to be any better than all the other hundreds (well lots!) of time I have tried to do the same thing before, but it is different this time and I think a great deal of that is because of the people here.

I don't know if I am allergic to alcohol, a depressive who uses alcohol for self-medicaiton or just an alcoholic, and to a certain degree, for me at the moment, it doesn't really matter. I just know that I have drawn an immense amount of strength from this community and I have achieved longer AF than I have for many many years

So I will happily take that and use this clear headed time to work on my 'other' possible problems like depresson and rebuilding my self esteem and confidence and go with it from there.

You have already made a massive step being 4 days AF, that is amazing :goodjob:, so you are strong enough to go to day 5, 6, 7, .....for good, if that is right for you. Come join us in the Newbies Nest where it is nice and warm and perhaps also join us on the 'Aiming high in April' thread to, we would love to have another friend for support.

Take care max and looking forward to hearing how you are going from strength to strength.

[mondmobil]

Yet another attempt

Hi Max
I do sooo feel with you! For me, it was yesterday that I was as despaired as you seem to be today, full of remorse, shame, self-hatred, you name it........
I had some AL days just like you, and then, the day before yesterday, screwed up completely. Again! Sometimes it feels like it's one step forward and two steps back.

On days like this, I also forget that there have been sober days aswell, that I am trying hard, and that I should not see things all black and white. I made a list, writing down on which days I was AF, and when I am feeling like a complete failure I force myself to look at the list just to remind me that there were also days for me when I was a winner

Keep posting! Maybe some day we will take two steps forward and only one step back...

I hope you get better soon! :l

[hillsidetime]

Yet another attempt

Hi Step, you can do this. You are fighting a real difficult part of the battle right now, the early days. Keep adding them together. The urges will come, surf them, they will pass. We are here for you Step.
Hill

[Wagoneer]

Yet another attempt

Hi Max - so glad to see you here. I too have been a member for a few years on and off and it wasn't until Nov 1 last year that I finally "got it". Reading, interacting with people here and really taking a long hard look at myself and family members who have ruined their lives was the kick in the butt I needed. Not that sometimes I think about haveing a small glass of wine, but I don't do it. For me it is a slippery slope...or more like a landslide. Can't moderate and don't think I will ever ever be able to. You are doing great - you have to start somewhere right? We are all one drink away from day one. It is up to us personnally to make that decision, but you are on the right path. We are here for you. You know what you need to do, it's convincing the Beast that you are stronger than it that is the hard part. And you are strong. You will be surprised how strong you are. We are here for you friend. Keep going - it's hard, but really worth it.

[stepintime]

Yet another attempt

Thank you for all your positive, and encouraging words. It's just I've failed so many times, and it's soul destroying. I know I have to give this a chance. I've got through the weekend, so that's a massive acheivement. I Just have to keep it up.

[mylife]

Yet another attempt

Hello Step,

Like many others here I have been trying at this for some time -- on my own, with AA and with MWO. I have noticed that many here who just kept trying finally made it. You can do it too.

I am finishing my 2nd weekend AF and feel good. I know I still have a tough few months ahead of me, but I'm ready for them. I just want to be rid of this burden! You can do this too.

[Beachbump]

Yet another attempt

Hi Step - everyday AF will be one closer to beat this animal that is ruining our lifes and wants us to die.
PLEASE stay wilt MWO- Write threads on good and bad days. Share youre feelings, and emotions - all the support you need are here for you! 4 days are already better than 1 or 2 or 3...5 is better than 4 - let this time be the difference between life and death!

Best of luck!

[Meech]

Yet another attempt

Stay strong Step! I too am on day 4 AF and feel the darkness of shame and depressing lifting. Look at the life you can give yourself! :goodjob:

[mario]

Yet another attempt

Stepintime you can do this keep posting & reading we have all been there, you to meech give yourself a chance.

[noodle]

Yet another attempt

Hi x

Hi Step,
Well done on your AF weekend :goodjob: Grab the bull by the horns and go for it, there are lots of great people here to hold your hand every step of the way :h
Keep trying and keep strong, as Hillside says, expect the urges, surf them and they will pass. Knowing that a cravings not going to stick around for long helps me through the worst of them.
xxx:l

[Audrey14]

Yet another attempt

Hi Step!!

I'm here on this site for more than 1 year but really i started to fight AL problem from this year February..Had 11 AF days, than sliipped but didn't give up..No my AL and AF days are mixed what means that i have 5-6 sober days than 2-3 drinking days but i want to break this regime and stay AL free 30..

After a long and very cold winter here is spring again and i have hope again to win

In this months i read a lot about AL issues, recovering and learned my habits and feelings about AL...so became more "professional" and skilled for hard job..it's very hard job to deal with AL but reading stories of success and happiness here in MWO i believe that one day i'll succeed too

On my Day 2.
Best wishes for you Step!!!

Audrey

[mumofsix]

Yet another attempt

Day five for me here - I can do this and so can you!! The emotional and physical roller coaster I feel at the moment is actually so much better than the guilt I feel when I get pissed. I would rather go through hell getting rid of this addiction for what will end up a short amount of time compared to the long amount of time I could end up dead or with liver disease