Venting some 'daddy issues'

[InChains]

just need to vent about somethign going on in my life right now and felt like this was the best place to do it.

The last couple of days I've started procedings with the salvation army in the UK to try and find my father who I haven't seen since I was 10. I just got the information from my mother I needed and now I am at the point where I can send off our details and start hoping. Except I don't know what I'm hoping for. I am trying to find a man who ruined huge sections of my childhood, either by absence or by the constant emotional abuse he subjected my mother too. This is a man who walked out on my family on christmas eve, who tried to sell the house in which my fmaily lived from under us, who told my mother she deserved to be raped. And today i was thinkign well, least between me and my siblings we can show him we turned out great without him, isn't that proper revenge. Except we didn't really, did we? my sister has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and is a habitual liar and thief, my brother is an ex-drug addict, current drug dealer and has a pretty huge criminal record - aged 16. And me? well I'm here. I can't figure out whether ti was him who f*cked us all up or my mtoehrs illness or both. So what can I get out of it? what if he's dead? I used to say I'd kill him if I saw him, I hoped he'd suffer for what he's done to us. I don't even know how I feel anymore, it's been so long...

[hart]

Venting some 'daddy issues'

Okay Inchains, so if it's not to tell ur dad how well you all did without him and I'm not saying any of you did bad or good and I think the future is fluid so you might all end up being very productive, giving, important people in this world. What do you think you want from seeing your dad again?

[InChains]

Venting some 'daddy issues'

My brother's been having nightmares about him, I'm trying to find him because my brother needs to see him. I just want to know if he's alive or not, and I'd like to know that I'll be told when he dies. Not much to ask, really

[DSLR]

Venting some 'daddy issues'

HI inchains, your post made me sad as I too have a well, shall we just say, disappointment of a Father. I won't go into details but I am an only child, so at least he only f'd up mine and my Mother's life.

Some years ago I felt simiarly to you now. I didn't know if he was alive or dead and I had SO many things I wanted to say; shout; scream at him but then something happened at work that made me re-evaluate it.

After this I looked at it that I did care whether he was alive or dead but not enough to put myself through even more pain. If he is dead, then how would I deal with the anger and pain? My Mum got very upset said when I mentioned trying to find him and for me that was the last straw, he had caused enough pain, and finally enough was enough.

He is/was an adult, if he had wanted to know about me/us he was perfectly able to find us, but he chose not to, that is his choice. He walked out of my first wedding in 1983 (I have been married three times, I wonder why!!) and I haven't seen him since, and that is probably for a reason.

But 'I' still needed to get all those things out of my head, so I wrote him a letter, and poured out all the pain and to be honest hatred I felt. I don't hate him, but that was how bad it had got to. I then burnt the letter as I didn't know where to send it to anyway. And although I wouldn't say I don't think about him any more, as I do sometimes, I can say that it with some level of peace now, the anger has gone and I no longer feel responsible for his actions i.e. he didn't come to see us because I didn't love him enough etc.

I know my situation is different to your inchains, as I don't have any sibblings to care about, but perhaps it is worth exploring 'other' ways of helping your brother, your Mum sister and yourself comes to terms with how he is, rather than going down a road where at the end, there still might not any answers.

Anyway, I do sincerely wish you love and strength to do what you feel is right for you and your family. But don't let this push you into AL, stay AF and strong and dealing with it all won't be as bad, I promise.

[Doggygirl]

Venting some 'daddy issues'

TG, are you able to talk to a counselor of some kind to help you sort out the best possible path to deal with your emotions related to your Dad?

DG

[BrandiGirl]

Venting some 'daddy issues'

Hi InChains....... I read your story and it is similar to mine. My father (or Sperm Doner as I call him) gave me up when I was 2 for $7.00 a week! I was finally introduced to him when I was 14. At first I felt wonderful...... a 14 year old girl with her daddy! WRONG.... I'm now 49 and wish I could turn back the hands of time so I would never meet him. He has been thru 4 wives and countless relationships. He's an Ex-Hells Angel, has served time in jail and has done years of drugs. This man has done nothing but caused grief in my life. He's self centered and cares only about his feelings and needs. Finally, last summer after he really put the screws to me, I said enough! I have written him out of my life and can care less if I ever see him again. Needless to say, if your life is fine without your father, let it be. If it would help your brother, tell him he's dead and thats why he wasn't around for him...... get help for both of you. Having an alcohol problem, the last thing you need is another negative trigger in your life. Take care of you, love yourself and be kind to your heart.

[InChains]

Venting some 'daddy issues'

thanks guys for the advice everybody, end of the day I feel this is something I need to do, maybe it'll hurt in the short term but long term it will get rid of a huge amount of uncertainty that has been plagueing me for half of my life now. I know my father is not a nice man, but the fact he hasn't got into contact tells me there is something wrong - not because I think he cares, but because I know he couldn't leave my mother to live a happy life without wanting to interfere somehow. At the end of the day, if my father is dead or alive the release of knowing at least some small piece of information about my own family and having a chance to say goodbye that i didn't really get when i was younger is enough for me.

As for counselling, I'm not ready to try that yet, I don't know if I ever will be. Like most people I hold myself to higher standards than i would ever hold others to - I will not see a counsellor because to me that would be admitting weakness. Thats not how I see it in others, but for myself it's just not an option.

[Doggygirl]

Venting some 'daddy issues'

I can understand how you feel about not wanting to admit weakness. I don't like admitting weakness either.

I'm sure you will not find it shocking when I say that being honest with myself and others about my weaknesses has been an important step in my recovery. Putting on a dishonest front ("I'm perfect!! I never make mistakes!!") contributed to my misery.

Just sayin'.... you will figure all this out for yourself in time if you keep exploring I think.

DG