Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

[RudyB]

Hi All You Good People,

I disappeared two months ago as I fell off the wagon and decided that, though not okay, I was going to drink. I didn't want to come here and remember why sobriety is so great. I wanted to drink as I pleased.

I had achieved fifty one days of sobriety, a time in which I was happier than ever, felt so very good, and good about myself for a change. I didn't plan on giving that up. Then, after a road trip home from visiting family, a very peaceful affair, really, I succumbed to the usual trigger of having been cooped up in a car, not eating, and wanting some kind of instant high to help me switch gears, relax, bla bla. Well, as I said, that began two months of drinking as I pleased.

Yuck. I'm sick of it!

I have been getting away with my bingeing these past sixty days, being a little more careful, usually not getting totally blasted, and not getting into the car after drinking, though sometimes sipping something when almost home. DURRR! Regardless, it's too much, too often, and way too "important". The booze has once again become a preoccupation.

Today, first official day of spring break (I'm a teacher), I had planned on the routine of getting to the afternoon and then rewarding myself with the high achieved w a pint of vodka, drunk on an empty stomach, of course. Instead, I noticed that i was very hungry and happily found myself eating a big lunch in a diner. Amazing! Once again I discovered that food was my friend. My compulsion to stop at the liquor store disappeared.

Things could go on as before, managing my life around -in spite of- my drinking. But I think I'm ready to make the switch, again. Pray for me, please. I'd like to see me return to that happy sober self. I'd like to stop living in the closet, in the shame of someone who can't stand too close for fear of being found out by the smell on her breath. I'd like to rave again in my posts on this awesome site about how much happier I am, how free I feel. I feel better already, having read some of the newbies nest posts. I shall be around here often again. Thanks for having me. Please send me your powerful good vibrations that all will be well again. :thanks:

In Solidarity against AL,
RudyB

[nicelife]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Hi RudyB - welcome back!! I too am back after 6 years sober and just completed my first week AF after a relapse at the end of last year. You know, life with AL is sooo much more problematic, difficult and just plain hard work, I don't know why we decide to go back there - but some of use do. So, here's to both of us sticking with being AF and feeling good about ourselves and sharing that feel good stuff with those we love and those who love us!!! Ultimately we make our own choices, so let's make good ones!

[tlrgs]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

welcome back and now just keep doing your best but one day at a time thats all we can do and make the best of today and go from there .. stay strong and keep the fairh and believe in yourself you can do what ever you want in life ..

[RudyB]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

thanks for your replies, nice life and tlrgs.
i'm ready to go! tomorrow i visit my mother, who will help with my son, so i will have some time to pursue the baclofen option, which i am seriously considering. somehow, i doubt the cravings will ever leave me alone for good without serious help, which does appear to be available. i'm starting to think of sobriety as not-optional. sort of a new take on it for me. i can't deny that this disease progresses, nor that it has done so in my life. lately, an occasional morning buzz seems necessary. eeek.
onward and upward.

[Lavande]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Welcome back RudyB,

You know this is a good place!
Rudy, I successfully changed my thinking about AL using the Hypo CDs not meds. Have you tried them? The early cravings turned into mere thoughts & the thoughts became less frequent using the CDs.

Think about giving the CDs a try. Wishing you the best

Lav

[DSLR]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Hi ruby and nicelife, it's nice to meet you. I wish you all the very best and know I am in good company with my own battle with AL.

[Doggygirl]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

RudyB, I can surely relate to your descriptions of how AL takes over our thinking and subsequently our lives. For many years, my drinking plans dominated my thoughts on a daily basis - even while I managed to hold my career and my life together. I am so very grateful to be free of that!!

I don't think there is any magical, easy way out of this. As I'm sure you have read, baclofen comes with it's share of challanges too, for many people.

Like Lav, I am another who has gotten free without meds. (I am not opposed to meds, and would consider them myself if I absolutely could not do this without!!) Just pointing out there are many ways to go about this, and the important thing is that you tough it out and find what works.

I do not crave alcohol at all now, and haven't in quite a very long time. And I was a daily drunk for many years.

All the best to you...

DG

[mylife]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Welcome Back RudyB!

Thanks for the reminder that drinking is NOT something that we want to go back to. Really, life is so much better when it doesn't revolve around AL. Just keep that in mind and you will succeed with this battle!

Good luck with your journey!

[RudyB]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

thanks all. i think i could do more without heading straight to meds, but i'm also feeling little faith in myself to do that work. i am under much stress right now, summer is approaching which can be a dangerous, unstructured time, and i'm just so eager to succeed in booting this demon from my life. 20 yrs is long enough!. i'll keep doing research on the bac, and weigh my options.

[noodle]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Hi RubyB, I've not met you before, just wanted to say Hi and I'm sending good vibes your way! XXX

[Teapot]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Ruby B, I logged in today first time in months, and your post is ME. I wasn't free for 51 days, but for 30 and thought yea, I am cool. I suppose I should reconise my triggers, but they seem to be everything,. I can't seem to go anywhere without haveing a beer, coctail, wine. I suppose I am afraid it is my crutch. I Think of future holidays, dinner out with family etc, and fear not haveing a drink. Yes some times I am the designated driver and I can do that no problem, so why can I not go sober for more than a few weeks? . If I limited it at a glass or two I wouldn't worry, I just don't know how to stop. I end up drunk, and hungover and the cycle begins. I want to stop this. Sorry for derailing your thread, but I didn't know where to start posting again, ( and I was a newbie) so thought here was as good as any.

[Bean]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

RudyB - Glad to see you back! I was wondering what had happened to you.

You CAN do this and I think you can probably do it without meds too, but as you said, it comes down to whether you are prepared to do the work... (not knocking the meds but if you can possibly do it without, that must be the preferred option?)

51 days is amazing and you can do that again and more. You and I started out around the same time I think. Happy to say I am still going strong and loving it. You know that it's worth it but do you, deep down, believe YOU'RE worth it?

There is still a part of me that wants to drink but these days, a bigger part doesn't want to suffer all the consequences of it. I feel about a million times better about myself since going AF, I look better, am fitter and more healthy and happy and other people continuously remark on it too. That's a great motivator.

Good Luck!
Bean

[Doggygirl]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Teapot;1101996 wrote: Ruby B, I logged in today first time in months, and your post is ME. I wasn't free for 51 days, but for 30 and thought yea, I am cool. I suppose I should reconise my triggers, but they seem to be everything,. I can't seem to go anywhere without haveing a beer, coctail, wine. I suppose I am afraid it is my crutch. I Think of future holidays, dinner out with family etc, and fear not haveing a drink. Yes some times I am the designated driver and I can do that no problem, so why can I not go sober for more than a few weeks? . If I limited it at a glass or two I wouldn't worry, I just don't know how to stop. I end up drunk, and hungover and the cycle begins. I want to stop this. Sorry for derailing your thread, but I didn't know where to start posting again, ( and I was a newbie) so thought here was as good as any.

I can so relate to your post Tea. My triggers were "everything" too. I was a daily drinker and just couldn't imagine doing much of anything without a drink in hand. I managed to stop here on the My Way Out program for 60 days in 2007. That was a miracle!! Then I thought I could drink and control it. WRONG. I was right back where I started in no time. Then it was a horrible struggle to get back on the wagon again.

I would try not to think too far ahead about holidays, etc. One day at a time works for me. Now I can't imagine wanting to drink poison and go back to that self imposed prison of alcohol. If I can do it (AF) so can you!

DG

[RudyB]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Hi all, so nice to read your replies.

BEAN! i'm touched that you've wondered about me. your words inspire me to get back on track.

i just ordered some baclofen, and have a consult w the famous doc L in several days. (i read like crazy on the meds forum.) i do feel a bit like i'm seeking that notorious magic bullett, and a bit sheepish about that i suppose. in part. but mostly, i feel terrified that if i don't get my act together NOW, i could stand to lose so much. sounds like excuses, but i haven't time -as much as it would benefit me- for regular mediation, and i don't think it'd be enough. ok, i know, that IS an excuse, cause i could make the time, but... back to the point that's germaine: i have to stop NOW, and i want the added, chemical support.

...see, my divorce is getting surprisingly ugly, and i don't want my drinking to become part of the picture. looks like we will probably go into litigation, and i don't want to be one of those telling the horror story of losing my child to alcohol-related behaviors. that happened to a friend - what a tragedy.

when i showed up at my son's school after having a glass of wine, i was horrified when a friend asked if i'd had a drink. OW! for a non-problem drinker, no big deal. for me: ominous.

don't mean to sound like i'm making excuses. and i do love all the support. it's so good to be back here with you incredible, supportive people. i shall do my best to be a regular here again, as it's so helpful. thank you.

love,
rudyb

[RudyB]

Here Again, Hoping for Sobriety Again

Teapot! somehow it's comforting when someone tells me they relate to what i say, that it IS them. Welcome aboard, and no worries about derailing my post, you didn't. i wish you strength and courage.

Doggygirl, good to see your familiar tag again, to read your words. like coming home.