In Chains' plan and blog thread

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 8

So I found somethign last night I wanted to chare today, something important to me. For a few days over christmas I kept a journal, I was drinking probably the most i ever have then, and I was very drunk when I wrote what i'm about to post. To me it is an important reminder of where I'm coming from, the issues I have and the reason i never want to go back to that place so here we are, a blast from the past on day 8:

December 25th, 2010.
So I've finally given in to writing all this down, even though i knwo she'll read it. I dunno why, maybe I hope some day it'll help me figure things out. So I'm drunk. Is that a suprise? I don't enjoy it, haven't for a while, but this has been my mission. i didn't feel happy today, Christmas... I couldn't tell [my boyfriend] even. Maybe thats when I know things are goign wrong so I'm drunk and it's boring, want something harder. Don't want to be a pothead. Want to be a smackhead, crackhead, cokehead. I hate this. Earlier I felt good, music you see - but I'm not playing music I'm drinking I'm going the wrong way, perhaps that explains it. For all that I could do anything I'd rather do this. I get the same pride from playing a new riff as I do from uni. So what can I do? leave? no hopes, can't go - no dreams. I've come to admire someone I hate, maybe thats the cause of this.

December 27th 2010.
Can't let myself read over whats been said. had a conversation with [my boyfriend] today, f*cks me off with his 'I'm an alkie' boasting bullsh*t. He fell into it, I want this. How f*cked is that? I'd do heroin every day for a month even if I hated it just to lose myself. I'm not an alcoholic though, I can stop. But I won't. How many people have been that determiend to do something so wrong? Even if he hacks me off sometimes though, still miss him. Love, sex, pain, confusion, suffering.

December 28th 2010.
Need to sort my f*cking life out. Woke up feeling fine, the longer I was sober the sicker I felt. Was it a hangover? somethign worse? I had a dream last night I was pregnant and I didn't know what to do coz that meant I couldn't get pissed. Bad huh? Maybe I focus too much on this sh*t. Maybe I'm fine?

December 30th, 2010.
Big Day tomorrow. End of the year and i can't help but feel I'm back where I started. How do I say to the man I love I'm scared if the party because I don't know if I can stop. I wonder whether maybe I'll be old before my time. Maybe I'll just sleep.

So, thats my past. Thats why I'm here now. Thats why I'm not going back.
xIC

[vintage girl]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Wow Inchy. Your Christmas Day post almost made me cry...thank you for being brave enough to share. I think that shows you have really turned a corner, don't you? Here you are on 8 days AL free, it sure must have taken a lot of guts to read your diary and then post it here.

Well done on your commitment and your courage. :l

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Hear hear, well said Vintage Girl.
Keep going Inchy you are doing great.

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 9

I feel like such a f*cking loser being here, coming to a group of people I don't even know every day to whine about how hard things are because I can't drink something, jesus. Starts me wondering where the hell did my life go wrong that I actually think that this, 9 days, this is an achievment? This is not me, this sober clean living... nobody is not me. I'm becoming boring, happy, simple - what is the point of that life? I don't mean this agaisnt anybody who chooses an AF lifestyle, I support you, I know its right for you but this is not my choice, I do this until my skin is better, whilst i must but when tis over... I don't think I'll stay. If I wanted to stay it wouldn't be me. I'm sorry.

[Doggygirl]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Hi Inchy. We all have something in common here - I guess that's what binds us. I know I feel connected to this sometimes crazy bunch. Having lived a lot of years on the other side, and now a few years on the boring, happy and simple side, I'll take boring, happy and simple. I wish I would have chosen it many years ago. I hope you will reconsider.

Alcohol will not ease your pain - that's for sure. It might keep you stuck in it though.

:l

DG

[sunshinetoday]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

IC,

I hope the best for you no matter what decisions you make. Whether you drink or not. I hope you find what it is that your looking for. My OH is on a specific sports teams website everyday talking to like minded fans. He has built a friendship with many of the people there, even though they have not met. They have common interests and have bonded over that, to realize they have other common interests. I never got it, until I found this site. Anyhoo, just spouting. Good luck IC.

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

right so before i post for day 9 i feel i kind of offer anybody who still reads this an explanation - For a long time the reason I drink has been quite simply that I do not cope well with normality. Its fine for me in the first week because it's not normal, I'm a bit of a mess, I like that. I get to the stage where it's easier, and then it just becomes ordinary - and I can't deal with that. The battle for is rarely about actually drinking, it's about trying to find a way to be happy in life when for whatever reason beign happy, sober, productive or relaxed annoys me and makes my life feel meangingless. I am aware that this isn't exactly good, and that there is probably some force at work within my head that makes me see the world that way even though it's bad for me and potentially dangerous. But thats who I am - it's not about image its about trying to make the world how I see it and find my place there, unfortuantely that results in nights like last night whcih was not meant ot be insulting to anybody on here who is AF, but was created by alot of frustration and confusion. Anyway, I'll be back for day 9 later, I hope some of you still come back and read this and post your thoughts, I really enjoy hearing from you

xIC

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 10

so, i've been thinking. I think my last post shows that, I have had alot to think about. Fact is I realised something today: I am 20 years old, I have a self-destructive streak a mile wide and something inside me that means I would rather lose myself to drugs and alcohol than live a normal life. I am engaged but I don't envision a future, I'm young and I don't see myself living past 30. It's not a choice, I don't want to die, i don't want to lose everything, I'm scared of the end but not of the path that'll take me there. I don't know who I am or why my mind works like this, I don't know if I'm completely mad or the only person sane enough to see their life for what it is. Today is day 10. I don't know what happens next.

xIC

[Cassia]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Hey inchy,

I went through a similar issue when I was about your age although my drinking hadn't fully manifested itself. I couldnt see myself livid past 40. I surrounded myself with live for the moment people and didn't have any real friendships. I felt really alone. I am self destructive to a fault although I have tempered that a bit. I just didnt think I deserved to be happy. It wasn't a conscious thought but it was clear by my actions. I realise now I was suffering from depression. It took me years to finally seek help.

Anyway, jiat thought I would share.

X

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 11

Well, this is going well.

http://youtu.be/ud9gVs-H9d8[/video]]This song explains everything

make of that what you will, if you will

xIC

[anon]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Just watched it x

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 14

2 weeks today! My god how did I get to two weeks, times flown I swear.Can probably tell by the state of the last posts I put on here and my absence I've been a bit of a mess the last couple of days. Basically having some pretty awful mood swings between 'I never want to drink again except socially, I want to be AF, my life is amazing now I can do anything' and 'I hate the world, I hate myself, I need a drink, I'm gonna die and F*ck the consequences'. I do still think I'm going to die young, I don't think I can survive with the way my mind works, things are weird for me. I'm havign weird dreams too, thinking about things I ahven't thought about in years.Cravings are gettign progressively worse, life is just getting harder right about now. I thought by day 14 I'd be over the worst. Sucks.

xIC

[vintage girl]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Inchy, you are on a journey hun, the longer an AL free run you get, the clearer your thought processes become. It isn't easy, but it is worthwhile. Give yourself that chance, at least.

I worry about your references to dying young, where does that come from do you think?

I am a lot older than you, and I don't want to die till I have no choice in the matter. You only get one, and yours is new and precious, please, look after it, treasure it. It's not something to be given away lightly.

Take care of yourself. :l

[dancingon]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

You probably have depression and I find it takes about days AF for that to start to lift at which point I realised I was thinking more posititvely about the future and even caught myself walking down the street smiling. I hope you will start to feel better soon.
I'm reading a book called Drink Me, written by Skye Rodgers who was a long time partner of someone who became an alcoholic. She was a party girl herself, but as she watched his destruction she started to drink less and realised that she craved a normal and more wholesome life, but her alcoholic boyfriend saw it all as too "pollyanna" for him. I think the company you keep does make a difference. If all your friends like to do is drink and take drugs that atmosphere will pull you down again. I'm not suggesting you join the church youth group, but you may need to surround yourself with people who will help you get a life. You don't have to die at 30.

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 15

A much brigther day today, still feelign lazy and a bit alien. Not nearly as morbid as I was though, just sticking to thoughts of festivals and my own little world, keeps me safe for now. Haven't actually thought about alcohol until now, least not in a usual sense. Just realised i'm at the half way point and I seem to ahve less and less to say haha.

VG: I'm ok, really, I don't find it upsetting that I don't think I'm going to live a long life, I just realise that the way I act, the things thats happen to me and my own mindset don't generally result in a long, healthy life.

Dancing: Thanks for the information - I haven't actually seen my friends for a while, I'm antisocial and we see each other about once a month. Yes we all do enjoy a drink and do a bit of pot together, we're young, bored and thats jusy really part of our culture. It suits us, there's no pressure on me to live that way, I lived that way before I met the people I'm friends with now, only difference is I have people who understand my way of life now.

anyway, short check in for day 15, tired and up early for college tomorrow. Will try and work more tomorrow, before I go:

Setlist: Give Me Novacaine, Heartshaped Box, Whiskey in the Jar (Metallica version), Rooster, Californication and Everlong

xIC