In Chains' plan and blog thread

[Doggygirl]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Glad to see you having an OK day Inchy!

DG

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 16

I've been thinking alot today, about my life, drinking and otherwise. I love this place because I can write exactly what it is thats been in my head, and nobody can see the bad parts and be angry or look at me with pity, I can speak how I want to about what I want to. So I guess here goes nothing...

So alot of people around here been recommending I go to some sort of therapist, alot of people reckoning I have issues that need sorting out. Well I might as well come out and say that hell yeah I have issues, I've seen, heard and understood things no child should, I've done things that I don't understand and I never breathed a word about some of it to anybody. Doesn't make me any different than anybody else, I had a rough childhood, happens all the time. Thing is a childhood like that has made me need to feel strong and appear strong and in control, I don't talk to people about emotions, I consider others strogner than I am for gettign help when they need it but if I did that, well I'd be a failure. I guess I don't want to be diagnosed with something, I don't want somebody to tell me what i already know - that what i am now, the drinking, the strange moods, it's probably all because how I grew up. I'm not ready to admit theres something not right with me because then I won't be forcing myself into this. Unfortunately I know in my heart of hearts if I don't deal with this, well a relapse is on the cards for any time in the next six months.

so thinking about family, started thinking about my dad again too. Waiting for a reply from the service trying to find him, dunno if they'll take the case, if they do well, thats something I've only just started thinking about. What if he's dead and I have to be the one to tell me family? But then I think I could cope with that, what i cannot face is the idea that they might find him, he might be told that me, my brother and sister want to find him and he might say no. we might be rejected all over again and I don't know how i'd cope with that, as a child i didn't understand what it meant to have a father ebcause he was away so often and wasn't the nicest of guys when he was around. Now I'm old enough, and I don't know how i'll feel if i find that after everything that has happened he doesn't want to know us. I think about killing him sometimes, seeing him in the street and beating the life out of him - I'm tiny but I know I could do it if I saw his face again. My mums forgotten what he was like, my brother was too young to see, I remember and everytime I do somethign inside me twists a little tighter.

I think alot about givign all this up, the work, the friends, the family, the AF time. I want to break apart everything people expect of me, go out into the world and become whatever kind fo waster I can, self destruct at a moments notice just because I can and because I am so sick of people expecting big things of me. I want to f*ck up every day on drugs and alcohol and -life-.

But who cares about that right? here I am, day 16, still AF, doin' fine.

xIC

[Doggygirl]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

This is probably going to sound really stupid. Sometimes I struggle with the right words to say. I just want to tell you that I wish I could take all that pain away. No child deserves to be abandoned and made to feel like you do.

You deserve to seek and to find healing. I hope you don't lose hope about that.

:l

DG

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 17

Hey all, day 17! bloody hell how did I get here right? So I'm not at halfway yet even and all I get in my head to describe how I'm feeling today is 'sobriety blows'. I dunno if its AL or if its me (if i'm honest i think its just me) but I am not getting thsi sober lifestyle, I want to go out and drink and take drugs and do alot of other very stupid things right now. I am on my own personal self destruct mission and this 45 day stint I'm runnign with now? well thats just a really long, hard detour.

Except that if I don't stay sober things with my fiance are going down hill. And the onyl reasons I'm sober are for him and for my skin and that really, who on earth is gonna make a lifetime commitment based on that? I love him to death, truly, my fiance is my world but the point is that he is that for -me- and I am the person who gets drunk and wants to screw up and waste their life and thats that. For me to do this, something fundamental about me has got to change, and I want that to happen, except to do that I'll need help and thats what I don't want.

Stuck in a rut much?

xIC

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 18

I feel like I'm dying. I feel so low its actually like a physical pain in my skull dragging the flesh and bone inwards, crushing me from the inside. I feel sick, I feel tired, I can't sleep, can't think, can't exist outside of myself. I can't post much aroudn forums because I think people have started to hate me, I can't face people, can't look them in the eye. I feel like theres something crawlign under my skin and I want to CUT IT OUT. I'm 18 days totally AF and my God I feel like the world is coming to an end, black hole my chest sucking in every last ray of light from my life. I can't focus, can hardly breate. i wake up thinking about alcohol, I never used to drink in the day, didn't get especially drunk now I want to obliterate myself totally. I would take anything, do anything, I have got to get out of my head before my world crashes down around me. I pray to a god i don't even believe in every day that this will end, that this hurt will stop. I've been thinking about grabbing a razor blade and dragging it across my skin, I haven't done that in years, I need help. Please, somebody? Please somebody be there, talk to me. Don't leave me alone with myself.

xIC

[one2many]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

I am here Inchy, I don't know if I can help but I am here and I care xx

[vintage girl]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Inchy I posted in the nest to you, please don't take it in the wrong way, but you do need to get some perspective and you do maybe need to see a professional.

I don't think what you are going through is AL related at all, I think you need help dealing with other issues. Please, don't even think about hurting yourself any more, and drink is a depressant which is the last thing you need. Please take care of yourself.

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Oney: Thanks for being there, I vanished to clear my head but it's nice to know I couldn've talked

VG: I replied in the nest

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 19

not going to say much today, have my fiance coming over and ?20 worth of pot to smoke, nice break from all this. Might be on tomorrow, might not, definitely back by Sunday. Have good weekends anybody who reads this.

xIC

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 21

3 weeks. F*ck me. still nearly a month until i can drink again, if i make it that far. I doubt I will. After the 45 days I know i'm going to start drinking again. Except it could mess with my skin, and that makes me depressed. I've been thinking today, I dunno when I've actually been happy, wasn't happy drunk, even less happy sober. I'm confused. What do I need to do? I didn't even want to write this today, don't really care anymore, this isn't a plan or an aspiration its some kind of grim punishment for something I'm not sure I've even done yet. I am counting down the minutes til I can drink again, and it's tiem I slept - seconds move faster then.

xIC

[dancingon]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Sorry Inch if I sounded preachy in that last post. I guess it's just that sitting round drinking and smoking pot is not just a youth culture thing. My ex is 50 and still sits around with friends smoking pot and drinking. I don't smoke, but every time I went with him I'd feel so depressed and bored in that setting. I've had to remove myself from that kind of scene while trying to stay AF, but that's me. Weird that drinking at home alone doesn't seem sad at the time, when it should probably be more. A lot of people have found changing their routine helps and maybe taking up something or going somewhere new that you'd be unlikely to do while drinking.

You're doing so well AF. Even if you're not enjoying it, you seem determined to stick out the 45 day plan. Is there a drug and alcohol counsellor you could see, or an alcohol helpline? I agree, that you have a lot of other issues underlying your drinking (as most of us do).

A read of your initial reasons to stop drinking and plan of action shows some good ideas, but I know that you can get into a mindset where you don't want to read your reasons to stop. You just want to drink. That's where having a counsellor could help.

[InChains]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Day 22

So another rough one down right? I spent tonight tlaking to my fiance about things, yesterday I told him I planned to start drinking again soon to aleviate how I've been feeling lately. He didn't like that. So today we talked about it, about how I've been feeling, about his depression. Its been tough. He wants me to seek help, alot of people tell me I should seek help. I tried to explain to him all i want is for somebody to realise somethings troubling me, I can't bring myself to tell anybody even though its killing me. I'm starting to frighten myself, the way I'm thinking and feeling. I feel so alone, but as soon as I see somebody I know its all smiles and waves and jokes. This blog was supposed to be something happy, I'd look back on 45 days and smile, I'd feel I'd achieved something and see how much better I felt, instead I'm wondering what I'm gonna do in that time, whether its worth the risk of doign 45 days when I feel so low...

xIC

[4MyHealth]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Hi IC,

So when you read this it'll be day 23. That is great! I'm sorry you're feeling low. I was thinking about what you said - you can't bring yourself to tell anybody. I don't like talking to therapists either. It feels strange opening yourself up to someone face to face who you don't even know. I looked at a few things online. Maybe you'd consider these? Online Therapy | CBT Online | Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Online | CBT Therapy
I think you should try something, you sound so sad. Maybe this is a brain chemistry thing - because of the withdrawal? Are you taking any of the MWO supplements? What about Amoryn? Lav likes that & I just started taking it. What about exercise? That is so important too - even just a walk outside to clear your head.
I hope you wake up feeling better.

[Doggygirl]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Hi Inchy. Boy I really like the suggestions 4My Health is making. AL is NOT the answer to the way you are feeling. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is ask for help and reveal that we don't feel on top of our games. I hope you will consider alternatives to drinking (which doesn't help anything anyway).

:l

DG

[Guest]

In Chains' plan and blog thread

Since when did alcohol ever make any situation better, well perhaps for that moment - but generally the sh1tty feeling almost always returns.

Inchy the way you described counting the seconds until you can drink again, well that has scared me completely for you. Already AL has that grip on you, so much that you are thinking about it daily. That in itself is a sign you have a problem with alcohol.

Have you come across One Day At A Time?(ODAT). It can be incredibly useful for all sorts of things not least dealing with alcohol. The way it goes is something like this, "I am going to concentrate on what is going on right now, good or bad and give it my whole attention. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow, or next week because they haven't arrived yet and I'm here right now." The other bit about ODAT is that saying you aren't going to drink for x amount of time can be pretty daunting, as you have found out - yet if you just think only about now all those seconds, minutes and days don't exist yet. Saying you will be sober for just now, is a lot more manageable than thinking about days and weeks.

I spent 3 years in and out of treatment/AA etc hearing ODAT being referred to until I finally understood it. You can make it even simpler by just saying "I'm here, I'm alive, I'm breathing, safe, warm, ok". It's helped me through quite a few situations.

Alcohol is a very convenient cover-all and when you take it away life is scary, but it is also manageable. You just have to learn to live it, and you only do that by practising.

You might also be mourning alcohol too, alcoholics (or those with drinking problems) have an incredibly close relationship with alcohol. It becomes your friend, and a constant. Take it away and you miss it terribly. It can get easier though.