About to give up?

[phoenix11]

Alcohol and drugs have wrecked not just my life but the lives of people who loved me and wanted only the best for me. It's amazing many of them are still rooting for me. I loved them too and tried to do the best for them, to show them what an upstanding person I am. Many times I succeeded and I could see the glow in their eyes as I soared like an eagle only to coming crashing down with a force so violent it destroyed me and them. A few months ago I read Dr Ameisen's book about the freedom he gained through baclofen. I managed to find a psychiatrist who prescribed initially 30mg a day then 60mg/day. I was alcohol free for about 3 weeks then drank. The difference was after coming out of my stupor I thought - normal pattern - get another drink. But instead I took 2 baclofens. It was about an hour later I noticed I was not thinking of alcohol at all and the bottle at my bedside was unopened. I took 5 baclofens about an hour later and then a few hours later another 5. I emailed the psychiatrist and he told me baclofen was certainly accounting for this change - normally when I take a drink, all bets off, see you later in a few months if not in a hospital bed then in someone else's home or another part of the country. My pills were running out so the doc sent me another script, but again with 2 tabs 3 times a day i.e. 60mg/day so I stuck with that and then last week drank again. Again the baclofen seems to have played a role (a) because I didn't get into that insane pattern of driving round town in the early hours of the morning in search of more booze and all sorts of associated pleasures as I would think of them at the time and invariably getting myself into all sorts of trouble, and (b) because again I went to the off licence for another bottle, opened it, took a few sips and suddenly lost the desire to drink any more. I'm 5 days alcohol free today and yesterday I read something online that said with baclofen paradoxically it gets worse before it gets better and that the body - and obviously it's an individual thing - needs to get the right level for "the switch" as I've seen it called here to happen. I emailed the psychiatrist about drinking again but how I could not take more than a sip of the second bottle and mentioned the article about high doses of baclofen. He said he'd send a script for a higher dose but it's just 10mg higher i.e. 90mg a day! I'm to see him again and he said we'd talk more and also mentioned naltrexone, i haven't read much about that but what I have seem to recall something about the liver. I don't want to give up on baclofen yet I felt definite changes from the start and once I get over my oh my god the worst has happened again I realise this time has been by no means as bad as previous occasions where the first drink invariably in the acute unit at my local hospital. I went to an AA meeting some weeks back and genuinely loved it and planned to go back. But something in me kicks against AA I don't know what it is, I've been going for the best part of 25 years and I wonder what's the point of doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result. People in AA - I've been privileged to meet many genuinely lovely souls - tell me I haven't got step 1 and should get to more meetings. But in rehabs I actually studied the steps, we had to write essays on them and present to our peers and get feedback. So maybe it's just me. I don't know. I feel confused.

[Doggygirl]

About to give up?

Hi Phoenix. I'm not sure I understand exactly what you are looking for with your post. But I wanted to congratulate you on your progress with bac, and how you are working with your doctor to get what you need. It sounds like you are making really good progress with it.

As far as the AA part, I will just suggest that AA is filled with regular people just like you and me. Some are doctors or addiction specialists (since a real cross section of humanity is represented there), but most are not. This disease (or whatever you like to call it) can really be baffling. I am relatively new to AA and yet I have already been asked many times by friends and strangers alike "why did I relapse?" I think it's human for us to want to know the answer to that. "Because we're alkies, and drinking is what we do" is one answer I hear a lot, and I suppose is closest to reality of anything I ever hear. But it's not really what we WANT to hear I don't think.

Anyway..."you haven't really taken step 1" is another answer I hear a lot. I can honestly say that when I was busy relapsing, acceptance of the fact that I can never control my drinking was part of the problem. But I don't know that is the case for everyone, or for you. I'm just not smart enough to know that (or read minds). I think lots of people in AA are not mind readers either. Just a bunch of regular folks trying our best to help each other.

Anyway...when you titled the thread about "giving up" I'm not clear on what you are thinking of giving up. I hope it's not bac - sounds like that is helping you a great deal. And if AA is something you feel is helpful for you (and maybe you will get more out of it now that bac is helping on the sobriety side???) then I encourage you to just go. I try not to let the comments of one person or a minority cause me to walk away from something I have found very useful in my recovery.

Anyway...not sure if I'm guessing what you are asking correctly or not, but I wish you well no matter what!

DG

[phoenix11]

About to give up?

Definitely not giving up!

DG thanks so much for writing. I'm just back from an AA meeting and have just read your thread and everything you wrote was as if you were speaking to me before going to the meeting, even though obviously that wasn't the case. I was confused when I wrote earlier. I was thinking of stopping baclofen. I was wanting to know how others have done this. My psychiatrist told me at the beginning baclofen of itself isn't a magic bullet and when I emailed him about the AA meeting I'd gone to there was a real positivity in his response, he was more alive than normal if I can put it that way,and he has suggested I go to as many different kinds of meetings as possible. The meeting tonight, I can only describe it by saying I felt love, truth and reality and that this is where I belong. People just like me, each with our own stuff, just trying to get through this and doing it together. And just listening to what people had to say, there was honest emotion that in my heart I could feel and say yes I know that. I decided to go to the meeting because after posting my first thread earlier today I sensed I wasn't in a good place and I wanted to be around people. I texted a friend beforehand, she knows me well, and she said just take what you need and leave the rest. You know what, I didn't leave much behind and I felt that I was part of, as opposed to being stuck in my house with my thoughts. And to be able to help in small ways, helping clear the mugs and stack the chairs, talk to and listen to people, listening to and even having a laugh with the guy who had been drinking and not like before judging instead thinking this is exactly where I was a few days ago difference is he had the courage to come here and tell it like it is. This is good stuff. Thanks again and I wish you the very best.
Phoenix

[Doggygirl]

About to give up?

Phoenix, I totally know what you mean about sitting home alone with my own thoughts not being a good place. At least it wasn't in early sobriety (or late drunkeness) for me. Glad you got out of the house and what a bonus to have such a good experience! I too feel good being around people "just like me." Knowing I'm not alone is really helpful. Seeing others living sober gives me hope that I can too.

DG

[sunshinetoday]

About to give up?

Phoenix, I hope it works out well with the meds. I am not a meds girl in the AL department, but if it works then stick with it. Good luck!